[INTJ] How do you get over friend break-ups?

How do you get over friend break-ups?

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This is a discussion on How do you get over friend break-ups? within the INTJ Forum - The Scientists forums, part of the NT's Temperament Forum- The Intellects category; I had a friend that I thought I'd someday be sharing a retirement home with completely, irreparably cut me out ...

  1. #1
    INTJ - The Scientists

    How do you get over friend break-ups?

    I had a friend that I thought I'd someday be sharing a retirement home with completely, irreparably cut me out of her life. I thought I'd eventually get over it, but it's been 5 years now, and I still can't let my guard down enough to make more friends. Getting hit right in the INTJ loyalty is hard to handle.

    Anything would help. All the advice that other, non NT's have given me has been utterly useless.
    Veraine thanked this post.



  2. #2
    INTJ

    Hi,

    I think you can't get over it until you know the reasons of this break up.

    Can you in some way contact her? (Friends in common, Social Networks, Places she usually used to be)
    What happened between you two?

  3. #3
    INTJ - The Scientists

    Quote Originally Posted by HalfBloodDragon View Post
    I had a friend that I thought I'd someday be sharing a retirement home with completely, irreparably cut me out of her life. I thought I'd eventually get over it, but it's been 5 years now, and I still can't let my guard down enough to make more friends. Getting hit right in the INTJ loyalty is hard to handle.

    Anything would help. All the advice that other, non NT's have given me has been utterly useless.
    Hello HFD. I don't think I can give you any intelligent advice on this, but I thought I'd remind you of what you may already know: that sometimes people cut off friendships due to problems that they themselves face. Problems that have nothing to do with their friend. I know I have done it, sometimes out of shame for my problems, sometimes out of a desire to protect my friends from my struggles, even if that meant severing the relationship without even being able to tell them why, perhaps making some of them wonder if it was something they did wrong. We are all humans and we are twisted and warped in bizarre and sometimes cruel ways. What helped me a bit was to consciously cherish the memories of friendships past and to express gratitude (to Life, to God, to Fate, take your pick) for giving me those friendships
    WickerDeer, EyesOpen, Dove and 1 others thanked this post.

  4. #4

    You can't trust. People are going to do what they're going to do. Be open to meeting new people but don't depend on them for anything. That should fix disappointments heading your way, because there are always disappointments and betrayals. Don't cling to an ideal in a person. We all fuck up.
    _Observer_ thanked this post.

  5. #5
    ENTP - The Visionaries

    er uh, why did she dump you?

  6. #6

    Probably when you meet another special person, all the scars will start to heal. And good friends are rare I think, so just keep a lookout, but let it happen naturally. Don't need to force yourself to make more friends or open up to people so easily. I don't mind anymore keeping my guard up. The people we let in our lives makes a significant impact after-all, so let them be the right people for you
    another number and HalfBloodDragon thanked this post.

  7. #7
    Unknown

    I think that friend has been giving you something you are missing right now. Acceptance, self-worth or something like that. Perhaps by removing dependency you will achieve some peace.

    Also, take your current situation into consideration. Maybe you don't have time for new friendship.
    HalfBloodDragon thanked this post.

  8. #8

    I'm kind of in the same place as you, and kind of on the opposite side. I had a best friend for the last 7-8 years, but the relationship became really unhealthy and was making us both miserable, but she was VERY attached, and in the last year I had to be the one to cut things off. I tried to send her a long explanation of what was going wrong, and hoping we could both become healthier and talk again once things were better, but I think she took it as me being a total bitch and betraying her, and there's not much I can do about that. So..while I wasn't the one being cut off, so I can't speak for how that feels, I do know it's hard to trust again once you've lost that connection with someone after investing for so long.

    I can't say things have been easy, mostly because I'm still kind of selfishly worried about her, so I anonymously check in on her social media to make sure she is doing okay, or ask a mutual friend (I avoid doing this if I can, though. I don't want to make things more awkward). But for the most part, I just keep second-guessing myself as to whether there was anything else I could have done. Even if I know, logically, I should just let go and move on, it's easier said than done. I'm still hoping that someday I can reach out to her again, when things aren't so raw, and we can be friends again, even if it is utterly different than before.

    As for trusting in other people again, I was already wary of that, and now I'm even moreso, so...I don't think that's something that will change for a long time, even if I am trying. :P The best advice I can give you is to give people a chance. Even if we aren't able to comprehend trusting again on that level, I don't think it's something that happens suddenly for INTJs anyways - I know I trust slowly, over time. So I hope that it happens when I'm not thinking about it too hard. :P And statistically speaking, we are bound to have at least a few people in our lives worth the amount of time and effort it takes to gain trust...right? :) As hard as my brain fights against that possibility right now, it's what I'm trying my hardest to believe.
    HalfBloodDragon thanked this post.

  9. #9

    The problem is that you're taking relationships too seriously. No one owes you anything, and if the relationship is no longer win-win, then it's natural to just dissolve it. Why must people be loyal to you? or vice versa? What does loyalty even mean? It certainly implies an irrational attachment, like an iphone user who might be loyal to Apple products. It also implies a strong collective identity, which is insane as demonstrated by the Nazis.

    What is the thing that you are trying to protect? Your feeling? Why are you taking your own feelings so seriously? Have you tried allowing others to hurt your feelings? If you allow yourself to be hurt, ironically, you will no longer hurt.

  10. #10
    INTJ - The Scientists

    How old were you? Our approach to friendships changes as we age, I think. There are very few adults with BFFs, despite what movies and sitcoms tell us. Many children and adolescents have tight, deep, sincere friendships, some of which last for their whole lives. But most end or wither away as we mature and life pulls us in different directions.

    When I was fourteen I was rejected by a group of friends that I had been close to since I was seven. They were my only friends, and we did everything together. It was incredibly painful. I was devastated, and it took me years to recover. I gradually learned to redefine friendship as a more casual relationship - one step up from acquaintances. I had to learn to enjoy being with people, while knowing that this is probably short-term, and will only last while our paths intersect. I still care about my friends, but I accept that the relationship has natural limits.
    HalfBloodDragon, WickerDeer, EyesOpen and 3 others thanked this post.


     
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