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I need help in my relationship with an INTP

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This is a discussion on I need help in my relationship with an INTP within the INTP Forum - The Thinkers forums, part of the NT's Temperament Forum- The Intellects category; Originally Posted by KasKas19 Hello! I've been in a LDR with an INTP for the last almost six months. I'm ...

  1. #11

    Quote Originally Posted by KasKas19 View Post
    Hello!

    I've been in a LDR with an INTP for the last almost six months. I'm an INFP :)

    He likes to argue, well, he used to like to argue for the weirdest things. It was mainly because he was insecure, I guess he bottled it up and it exploded at random times. I ended up getting my feelings hurt because of his actions. But we are past that.

    We argued a lot. But, that's not the only issue.

    I was extremely insecure at the start of the relationship. It seemed like he was more of a therapist than my boyfriend. I worked past it, and I'm much better.

    But, now it seems he is out of that "honeymoon phase", as people like to call it. He isn't as sexually involved anymore, not for the last week or so it seems. He isn't as affectionate.

    If I have any insecurities or something I would like some reassurance on, he gets very irritated and it starts an argument. I think I might have done that to him.

    He seems to be falling out of love, but I am falling more in love with him as the days pass. He never talks to me like he used to. He isn't as loving. It makes me feel awkward when I try to express my love for him since it sorta feels one sided.

    I am not sure how to talk to him about it. I know that if I did, he would get angry. I always "overcomplicate" things. He says I'm constantly trying to analyze him, which is true. I'm constantly trying to find the deeper meaning of his actions for some reason.

    I've also been guilty of bringing up old insecurities somehow, I rarely notice this until he tells me, which explains his frustrations. I think I may have damaged our relationship.

    I'm not sure how else to put this. What should I do? How do I become less affectionate and clingy?

    What can I do to bring the spark back in the relationship? Or, is it gone forever?

    I think it would be best if I got advice from other INTP's :) Thank you in advance!

    Six months is when the honeymoon's done, you are correct. You have a solid idea of what to expect from one another, sex has been explored, and the novelty's done. You also start seeing signs of lack of compatibility: conversation dwindles, friction points are clear and the shortcomings of the pairing become more evident because both people are back in their baseline mode.

    It is also when your relationship actually begins, in my opinion.

    Be careful when you try to "find the deeper meaning of his actions". Sometimes in post honeymoon stage partners subconsciously get in the habit of creating conflict/make-up cycles in the relationship to artificially create intensity when mutual compatibility is not there to produce said intensity on its own. This is pretty common in relationships where one or two partners have scarcity mentality and are afraid of just finding someone else instead of artificially extending the life of something that isn't meant to last on its own.

    There's a lot of context that your post doesn't have, but I can't help noticing you seem to speak in terms of the things he gives you "He isn't as affectionate, isn't as sexual, isn't as loving, gets angry" or how his actions affect you "He likes to argue, and my feelings got hurt as a result of his actions" and there's some fatalistic talk that reflects fear of loss "he's falling out of love" "is the spark lost forever?". But your wording suggests you don't seem particularly mindful of his emotional state, as evidenced by the fact you didn't notice yourself rehashing old insecurities until he was already boiling. Maybe this is worth looking into.

    You say you've both worked past your insecure phases, but it seems the main source of friction is bringing up insecurities. This begs the question: Are you truly past it? Six months is a very short time, far too short for any meaningful change on a personal level.

    I've noticed that if a partner relies on the other too much for reassurance or emotional support on the formative stages of the relationship, they run the risk of having the emotional dependency dynamic either displace or corrupt the romantic/friendship one. i.e. you trade love for co-dependency. In a healthy dynamic there needs to be some degree of emotional self-mastery lest the psychological issues of the partners consistently upstage romance in the relationship. This is super common in online relationships also since text is the main communication medium.

    Rumination isn't exactly an aphrodisiac either. How many people do you know that have sexual fantasies about broken records who endlessly crave reassurance about the same old bunch of insecurities?

    You're not sure how to talk about these things, that's why you gotta ask him, not us. You say he accuses you of overcomplicating matters, and it certainly seems like having an internet forum triangulate this stuff for you is doing just that. Keep it simple and bring up this very uncertainty to him. This is how a relationship is built.

    Also don't forget to listen with an open mind/heart. Not to dissuade, argue or excuse yourself, listen to understand him.
    Last edited by Necrofantasia; 07-14-2018 at 12:49 AM.
    Twichl, stathamspeacoat and KasKas19 thanked this post.

  2. #12
    INTP

    As an INTP, I'm at times oblivious to how I can make others feel with my "insensitive/direct" words, actions, etc. but I am quick to correct myself and apologize for my actions regardless of my intent if I am told that it hurt my loved ones/those I truly care about. Or I at least try to clarify what I meant and that it was probably miscommunication. Sounds like you've already tried to communicate your needs and he'd get irritated, that's not something that I would do to someone I love. I mean.. sometimes I'd withdraw for a bit cuz I need time to think but always find the time to come back... Why would you fall in love more and more when he's being less affectionate and withdrawing? You're not being clingy. You're trying to work on your relationship and communicate your needs to your partner and he should care to do the same. You're only "clingy" if the level of intimacy you wants is different than his.

    Also, uh.. less sexual in 6 months? 6 months isn't a long time... seriously? who says the honey moon phase is over in 6 months?? but at the same time your "less affectionate at least for a week" also alarms me. One week of different vibe and you already feel insecure?

    Be direct and succinct with no accusations but simply state "this is how "I" feel and I want to communicate to you my needs. What do you think?" If he gets irritated, close up, says that you just "overcomplicate things," and doesn't seem to care to work on the relationship, I'd move on, INTP or not, he's not meeting your needs in your relationship. I laugh at people who say "you should never depend on your partner.. blah blah" well, you do. You're companions, you care about each other and should want to meet each other's needs.
    Last edited by grazy; 07-14-2018 at 12:23 AM.

  3. #13

    Quote Originally Posted by Nell View Post
    Six months is when the honeymoon's done, you are correct. You have a solid idea of what to expect from one another, sex has been explored, and the novelty's done. You also start seeing signs of lack of compatibility: conversation dwindles, friction points are clear and the shortcomings of the pairing become more evident because both people are back in their baseline mode.

    It is also when your relationship actually begins, in my opinion.

    Be careful when you try to "find the deeper meaning of his actions". Sometimes in post honeymoon stage partners subconsciously get in the habit of creating conflict/make-up cycles in the relationship to artificially create intensity when mutual compatibility is not there to produce said intensity on its own. This is pretty common in relationships where one or two partners have scarcity mentality and are afraid of just finding someone else instead of artificially extending the life of something that isn't meant to last on its own.

    There's a lot of context that your post doesn't have, but I can't help noticing you seem to speak in terms of the things he gives you "He isn't as affectionate, isn't as sexual, isn't as loving, gets angry" or how his actions affect you "He likes to argue, and my feelings got hurt as a result of his actions" and there's some fatalistic talk that reflects fear of loss "he's falling out of love" "is the spark lost forever?". But your wording suggests you don't seem particularly mindful of his emotional state, as evidenced by the fact you didn't notice yourself rehashing old insecurities until he was already boiling. Maybe this is worth looking into.

    You say you've both worked past your insecure phases, but it seems the main source of friction is bringing up insecurities. This begs the question: Are you truly past it? Six months is a very short time, far too short for any meaningful change on a personal level.

    I've noticed that if a partner relies on the other too much for reassurance or emotional support on the formative stages of the relationship, they run the risk of having the emotional dependency dynamic either displace or corrupt the romantic/friendship one. i.e. you trade love for co-dependency. In a healthy dynamic there needs to be some degree of emotional self-mastery lest the psychological issues of the partners consistently upstage romance in the relationship. This is super common in online relationships also since text is the main communication medium.

    Rumination isn't exactly an aphrodisiac either. How many people do you know that have sexual fantasies about broken records who endlessly crave reassurance about the same old bunch of insecurities?

    You're not sure how to talk about these things, that's why you gotta ask him, not us. You say he accuses you of overcomplicating matters, and it certainly seems like having an internet forum triangulate this stuff for you is doing just that. Keep it simple and bring up this very uncertainty to him. This is how a relationship is built.

    Also don't forget to listen with an open mind/heart. Not to dissuade, argue or excuse yourself, listen to understand him.

    You are exactly right! Thank you so much. :)
    Necrofantasia thanked this post.

  4. #14

    Quote Originally Posted by grazy View Post
    As an INTP, I'm at times oblivious to how I can make others feel with my "insensitive/direct" words, actions, etc. but I am quick to correct myself and apologize for my actions regardless of my intent if I am told that it hurt my loved ones/those I truly care about. Or I at least try to clarify what I meant and that it was probably miscommunication. Sounds like you've already tried to communicate your needs and he'd get irritated, that's not something that I would do to someone I love. I mean.. sometimes I'd withdraw for a bit cuz I need time to think but always find the time to come back... Why would you fall in love more and more when he's being less affectionate and withdrawing? You're not being clingy. You're trying to work on your relationship and communicate your needs to your partner and he should care to do the same. You're only "clingy" if the level of intimacy you wants is different than his.

    Also, uh.. less sexual in 6 months? 6 months isn't a long time... seriously? who says the honey moon phase is over in 6 months?? but at the same time your "less affectionate at least for a week" also alarms me. One week of different vibe and you already feel insecure?

    Be direct and succinct with no accusations but simply state "this is how "I" feel and I want to communicate to you my needs. What do you think?" If he gets irritated, close up, says that you just "overcomplicate things," and doesn't seem to care to work on the relationship, I'd move on, INTP or not, he's not meeting your needs in your relationship. I laugh at people who say "you should never depend on your partner.. blah blah" well, you do. You're companions, you care about each other and should want to meet each other's needs.
    I appreciate your reply a lot. You are correct. I thought that "I laugh at people who say "you should never depend on your partner.. blah blah" well, you do. You're companions, you care about each other and should want to meet each other's needs.", was beautiful. Really.

    Thank you :) I will be working on my insecurities and such.
    DevilSlayerDante thanked this post.


     
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