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How do an INFJ get an INTP to be interested again?

6K views 38 replies 11 participants last post by  xraydav 
#1 · (Edited by Moderator)
Hi,

INFJ here. So I made a mess with an INTP, and I have no clue on how to fix it. We had a thing it didn’t work out. I asked to be friends, it was strange. Besides every time I wrote him, it took him forever to answer. I grew tired, I told him goodbye for good. But I regretted it. I haven’t been in touch since, but I want to. It’s just that if I make the wrong move it’s over. Any INTP’s advice?
 
#2 ·
It could be many things.
Although if you have someone, getting someone else to be interested in you is just plain selfish.

Anyways,
1. INTPs tend to be really bad at texting. They can receive a text and think I'll text that person later, and then end up not doing it
2. The relationship between the two of you has taken an emotional toll on him.
3. He realized that you are into someone else. INTPs tend to run from feelings. Best way to not experience a feeling is to avoid the situation altogether
4. He met someone else.

I am only basing it off what you have written, I don't have the full story.
I think the only way to reconcile with him is if you are living in the same city/town. Say what your intentions are and try to stay logical as possible. Saying you did something because you are mad will probably confuse him. (I know it confuses me, even the most basic actions based off of emotions).
If you are still cities apart, I would try to forget about him because it's not worth moving to another city. If you want, you can send him a letter.

Also avoid doing anything that makes something final, like saying goodbye forever.
 
#3 ·
Hi,

INFJ here. So I made a mess with an INTP, and I have no clue on how to fix it. We had a thing it didn’t work out. I asked to be friends, it was strange. Besides every time I wrote him, it took him forever to answer. I grew tired, I told him goodbye for good. But I regretted it. I haven’t been in touch since, but I want to. It’s just that if I make the wrong move it’s checkmate. Any INTP’s advice?
Can't help you without specifics. I advice you give us specifics.
 
#8 ·
I did, it felt weird sharing too much. Anyway, we had a thing many years ago, it went nowhere. He kept appearing and disappearing and then I moved away. He tried to get back in touch a few months later I ignored him. Then He contacted me again a few years back, to apologise, and to asked me out. Then whilst drunk He wrote me he still had feelings for me. We don’t live in the same country, but I had to visit his city for other reasons and we decided to meet. It was great. After a few weeks he writes me he wants to give it a try, for real this time. I tell him he lost his chance, I have someone else, but I too still have feelings for him. He said I shouldn’t because he doesn’t have any for me. I suggest we can be friends. He likes the idea, he writes me, but when I write him, he answers messages after a long time or not at all. I tell him goodbye. But I feel stupid about it, plus I don’t understand, if he just needs time/ he lost interest because I have someone else or he never cared. Anyway i’d like to be friend with him, that is why I want to fix this goodbye forever situation. But maybe it is not such a good idea after all
 
#14 · (Edited)
I did, it felt weird sharing too much. Anyway, we had a thing many years ago, it went nowhere. He kept appearing and disappearing and then I moved away. He tried to get back in touch a few months later I ignored him. Then He contacted me again a few years back, to apologise, and to asked me out. Then whilst drunk He wrote me he still had feelings for me. We don’t live in the same country, but I had to visit his city for other reasons and we decided to meet. It was great. After a few weeks he writes me he wants to give it a try, for real this time. I tell him he lost his chance, I have someone else, but I too still have feelings for him. He said I shouldn’t because he doesn’t have any for me. I suggest we can be friends. He likes the idea, he writes me, but when I write him, he answers messages after a long time or not at all. I tell him goodbye. But I feel stupid about it, plus I don’t understand, if he just needs time/ he lost interest because I have someone else or he never cared. Anyway i’d like to be friend with him, that is why I want to fix this goodbye forever situation. But maybe it is not such a good idea after all
I don't get this.

...I hate when people get all wishy washy and slow fadey... it's childish and tells of someone who doesn't deserve a second thought, let alone a second chance.

Ditto someone who acts like a prick to get you to cut them off so they don't have to do it themselves....grow up and do it yourself?

Regards to your first question
I wouldn't say it's pointless, he will know that you two aren't on bad terms. You have nothing to lose so go for it. If I were you, I would lay the decision in his hands (although INTPs aren't really known for making final decisions). Say something like, ... I would love to hear from sometime.



About the apology,
State your intentions.
I wanted to do x so I did y.
**I wanted to go to the movies with you and make it extra special, so I sent a love letter with a invitation to the movies.**

If you're going to elaborate make sure you say why you did that way.
**I attached roses to the love letter because I thought you'd might like the roses (or I wanted to make the letter unique etc.).**

I went the extra mile b/c I don't really have an example. But the want x done y example is a good start.

You'll be fine as long as you don't name emotions.

All bad examples.
I stomped out of the room because I was mad.
I was mad so I stomped out of the room.
I gave you my heart because I was hopeful.
I ignored him because he ripped my heart out.

Okay/Good examples:
I stomped out of the room because bureaucracy is favouring rabbits over turtles.
She kept picking on me so I stomped out of the room
I sent you a love letter because I was hoping we can take this relationship to the level.
I ignored him because I ended up with a scar in my chest from when he attacked me.

Writing about someone's interests are perfectly fine. INTPs generally understand those.
^ Fuck this shit. Fuck it sideways with a morning star. This sort of person doesn't need to be cottoned to. Just no.
If you need to become this stilted to be friends with someone, why bother?
 
#9 ·
P.S. I didn’t move away because of him. That was in my plans from the beginning. Things between us were only platonic and I want him in my life because, when he is around is when I am at my best. Everyone around me notices it. Plus he really matters to me.
 
#10 ·
I don't believe in being friends with exes. However, I have one ex (from 10+ years ago) who lives far away. He always sends me a birthday email, asks if I'm okay if there is a local earthquake or bad storm, etc., or gives me news about mutual acquaintances. When another friend of mine needed help in his area of expertise, I knew I could ask him.

So you could be like my ex--send seasonal greetings, or send him links to items of interest. Keep it light, and don't say anything emotional.

If you want to apologize, that's fine.

However, no matter what you do, don't expect him to respond enthusiastically. He might not forgive you, or he might not need more friends in his life these days. Or he might not know what to say. We are INTPs, after all.
 
#12 ·
Yeah, but we were never really together, it was a platonic thing, even though we both made it clear that we’re attracted to each other. But we never did small talks, we both hate them. We had meaningful conversations on topics of mutual interest. I’m sure he has enough friends without needing me, but from what I understood, he doesn’t get from others what he gets from me, I am talking about intellectual confrontations, of course I might be wrong. Also how do I apologize. I don’t know how to do it without sounding too emotional
 
#13 ·
Regards to your first question
I wouldn't say it's pointless, he will know that you two aren't on bad terms. You have nothing to lose so go for it. If I were you, I would lay the decision in his hands (although INTPs aren't really known for making final decisions). Say something like, ... I would love to hear from sometime.


Also how do I apologize. I don’t know how to do it without sounding too emotional
About the apology,
State your intentions.
I wanted to do x so I did y.
**I wanted to go to the movies with you and make it extra special, so I sent a love letter with a invitation to the movies.**

If you're going to elaborate make sure you say why you did that way.
**I attached roses to the love letter because I thought you'd might like the roses (or I wanted to make the letter unique etc.).**

I went the extra mile b/c I don't really have an example. But the want x done y example is a good start.

You'll be fine as long as you don't name emotions.
All bad examples.
I stomped out of the room because I was mad.
I was mad so I stomped out of the room.
I gave you my heart because I was hopeful.
I ignored him because he ripped my heart out.

Okay/Good examples:
I stomped out of the room because bureaucracy is favouring rabbits over turtles.
She kept picking on me so I stomped out of the room
I sent you a love letter because I was hoping we can take this relationship to the level.
I ignored him because I ended up with a scar in my chest from when he attacked me.

Writing about someone's interests are perfectly fine. INTPs generally understand those.
 
#16 ·
@Mandy34

I'd actually recommend you ask the other INFJs about this. An INFJ having relationship trouble with an INTP just so happens to be a ridiculously common topic and I'm sure there are INFJs over there that not only have a much better understanding of relationships than a typical INTP, and what your desires are, but have also been in a similar situation before.
 
#17 ·
My good friend, a male INTP. We have one of THE best friendships, that survived a sexual/romance turn. I fell in love with my friend. He loved me, but not 'in love' with me, so it was unrequited. It really hurt for a bit after, but we got past that. It didn't happen over night, but we got through it. A bit of space is good for a period of time. If you want to be friends with someone, try not give them ultimatums of 'it's got to be this way or i'm done.' I needed some space, as i'm sure he did, but we held on to our friendship. We can be silly, joke about things, still be a tad bit flirty. We can discuss who we have crushes on, etc. It's really lovely. We love each other, as we should.

In fact, I brought him over here to PerC, but he's hardly on anymore or else I'd tag him. Well, I guess I still could. I rave on about him. I think I also posted his butt (clothed) in a thread. @SilentM
 
#21 ·
There's a point under the left buttock on INTPs, about ½" left of centre. Gently pressing this point with your left pinkie while whistling "Auld Lang Syne" increases your chances by 30.3%.

Do note that this only applies to INTPs, hence it is vital that you have correctly established his type. Other types have their ALS points in very different locations, some of them not easily reached. INTP ALS points are fortunately quite accessible, save in the most obese cases.
 
#36 ·
It's quite hard to tell.
Although I can say with 75% certainty that he did like you. Time can pass by without the INTP noticing. It might explain the differences in response times.
For an INTP to ask a girl out takes a major stroke of courage (well for me at least). I usually play all the rejection scenarios and pump myself full of emotions. I like to keep emotions to the minimum. Also I like basing my judgments off of logic so when I ask someone out, I am kind of going against myself. (It's a lot more complicated than that but that is the gist of it).
About emotions and keeping them to a minimum, I usually like to not experience them even if it means getting out of the relationship. I'm not saying that one bad thing about a person and bam I'm gone. I'm saying anything that prevents an actual relationship to form (like a person taken, lack of interest etc.).

I don't know what his reaction is, so I'm spit balling here, but it was probably hopelessness that overcame him when things were getting real. (I'm assuming when you told him that you were dating someone else).

But then again, I am using my own experiences to predict his behaviour. Take this with a grain of salt.
 
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