[INTP] New roommate issues - am I being unreasonable?

New roommate issues - am I being unreasonable?

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This is a discussion on New roommate issues - am I being unreasonable? within the INTP Forum - The Thinkers forums, part of the NT's Temperament Forum- The Intellects category; I'll try to list as much information as I feel is necessary, but I'm kind of disappointed in the situation ...

  1. #1

    New roommate issues - am I being unreasonable?

    I'll try to list as much information as I feel is necessary, but I'm kind of disappointed in the situation I'm in for a few reasons, mostly because I feel like I made the wrong choice. There were a few red flags I didn't care about, and it's seemingly biting me right now.

    To start, I am the the "new" roomie in this story as I recently moved out of my family home and into a room situation closer to work. The place I ended up picking was 1 of 4 places I was juggling between the closer it came to the move date. I knew it wasn't the most ideal, but I felt like the lister was very straight forward and easy to talk to without giving me the creeps (relatively speaking). The apartment was well laid out for my ideal level of privacy and it didn't seem like a total mess from first observation.

    Red flags -
    The post was listed by the roomie moving out and she made some good talk about how the person I'd be staying with is sweet and cool, all that is fine and as it turns out she is. But this girl does not have mannerisms that make me feel comfortable at all. (more on this later)

    -I initially was not looking for someone in a relationship and would have people over often. Nor did these people mention it, and I overlooked to ask, even though I made it a topic of conversation with almost every other listing I checked before. Turns out the girl I'm staying with does have a boyfriend and he often stays every weekend supposedly (wtf!!!)...

    -As I've come to find out, all of these people involved are not from the Country and have strict work and school provisions to be here. All fine and dandy, but this is something I was not told before hand and is something I don't want to deal with! The girl I'm staying with is from Hong Kong (not Asian!.?) and her BF is from Mexico... And the roomie moving out is from Spain.... So this is just a weird concoction of international living styles I was not ready for. This doesn't really bother me at all, it's just their living history is completely elusive to me and makes me a bit nervous.

    -This is completely trivial, but the girl has a cat of unknown origins to me and seems to be a bit traumatized. It's missing its Tail and gets easily spooked.. Oddly enough we both have the same name...But he doesn't seemed to be abused by the girl. Although she does feed him cheap trash food (I'm a bit anal about feeding animals crap) and he doesn't get out much, if at all.

    Other than this, things I've learned over the last week since I've been here is that, the girl is not very communicative about who she's bringing over nor does she feel the need to keep me up to date on who she brings over and if I have anyone over. This is just not how I was raised and it's kind of pissing me off that she doesn't know these basic household rules.

    She's younger than me, finishing up college and working, so her day schedule is a bit of a cluster fck. Just the other night she brought some girl over (I'm assuming a work colleague) and didn't bother to let me know she was staying over. And as mentioned before, she didn't have the courtesy to mention she had a boyfriend that is over all the time before I moved in.

    Now I'm trying to be reasonable and not throw a fkn curve ball into their living situation that they've had in motion well before I got here. But my problem stems from the fact that the other options I had lined up made it kind of clear that they lived a quiet lifestyle and did not have any S.O that would disturb us. Something that is pretty important to me as I just don't like extra people roaming around. I also just find it disrespectful that I'm the one paying rent here and she is just letting people stay here with out letting me know. If her boyfriend is going to be staying here like he lives here? What is he doing about rent or providing something to the table? The only reason I haven't thrown a fit yet is because he does seem like a nice guy and is working full time. I'm sure I would have told her he would have to go if he was some bum sticking around. But this is still something I wasn't told before me signing my name for this place.

    On the last issue, these roomies just don't seem like they were living a very clean life before I got here. The first day I moved in I had to clean up relatively dirty bathrooms (guest and mine) and a refrigerator full of expired food. Now that I've already invested a fair amount of time cleaning this place up and getting it to an acceptable condition, I would rather stay, but I'm just not fully happy with this girl's living habits all that much. And to be fair, I think most of the cluttered mess was from the girl that left.

    Am I being overly sensitive about this stuff or should I start putting my foot down before things continue in an unfavorable situation? I really don't want to make her life difficult as she seems like a very nice and hard working person, but this is not exactly what I signed up for.
    Last edited by MaysInfectious; 02-08-2019 at 06:32 AM.
    xraydav and DevilSlayerDante thanked this post.

  2. #2

    If you want to control that much your environment, you should have moved to a studio... I don't see any red flags there. Did you explicitly ask her to inform you when she invites her friends?

    If it is always the same people that stay in the flat, you can have some friendly interactions with them and, after knowing them a bit more, you won't be annoyed when you see them. About the rent stuff... it is for your own room and you are legitimate to express your opinion about the common rooms, keeping in mind that you want to have an harmonious relationship with your flatmate (meaning that you have to negotiate wisely). A tip: aim for the minimal change that brings significant improvement and pay attention to your flatmate point of view.

    About your question? Yes, you seem to be unreasonable. I think that you should improve your ability to adapt to new situations if you don't want to have more important issues in the future... and you have a great occasion to improve this ability in a smooth way since your flatmate is not a terrible one.

  3. #3

    Reality check.
    People move out of home to escape their controlling parents and have freedom. Don’t be controlling.
    People need contact time to make relationships work. Minimum weekends and 1 or 2 weekdays. Most people want a relationship, if they are with the one person and are not doing rabbit impersonations all night, every night, then that is reasonable. If that changes from dating behavior to living together behavior then yeah a chat needs to happen. As for friends coming over, they shouldn’t need to ask your permission unless the person is staying over/late. It is ok to expect some peace and quite a few nights a week too. Give and take is required on both sides.
    As for cleaning habits, only clean when you have witnesses, or you wont get credit, plus reasonable people may lack motivation to clean, but will help clean if they see someone else do it. Cleaning rosters are an acceptable conversation to be having, but don’t get to pedantic about timing. People have lives that come before chores, as long as the chores eventually get done.
    GusWriter and Necrofantasia thanked this post.

  4. #4

    Quote Originally Posted by MaysInfectious View Post
    , but this is not exactly what I signed up for.
    Just a question, what do you need to do if something you got into is not what you signed up for?
    What is the most reasonable thing for someone else to do, if they were in your position?

    If you don’t like housemates, my solution was to plan out my next move out to another house. Look at my budget, bond and the price of rent elsewhere.

    Do you really want to try to teach someone, get them angry and then be forced to leave? or would you rather, find better living arrangements with better more well mannered people? (Yes, they do exist)

    You should advise them in a courteous and professional manner of what they are doing wrong when it comes to cleaning their own equipment, or better yet, tell a third person to inform them or text/SMS what you think to them. Make it less aggressive and more commonplace the way you tell them that you are not okay with x y or z behaviours.

    If this still does not work, better finding new housemates, or a single bedroom apartment.

    Bro, you have this under control. We all went through the exact same and worse, and all you need to do is be a bit more communicative and enforce a level of reason yourself, and you will see either good or bad results. If it’s good, then good, you can live with them, if not, then you know what to do.
    Last edited by xraydav; 02-08-2019 at 03:11 AM.
    Necrofantasia thanked this post.

  5. #5

    I sympathize! People have really different lifestyles and different assumptions about manners, housework, and so on. (Especially if they're from different cultures.) Even really nice people can be difficult roommates. And, as you say, the roommates' visitors cause some disruption and don't contribute anything to your life. I know what that's like.

    I think it's a difficult situation and there isn't much you can do about it. They aren't going to give up their boyfriends or friends, or change their lifestyle for you. Learn from the experience, and next time make a list of what is and isn't acceptable to you. If you want a roommate with no S.O. or few visitors, put that on your list. Such people do exist. Or, think about getting your own place.

    But, as has been pointed out to me, every place has problems. Even people who own nice houses have complaints. And for some things (like what people feed their cat) you just have to decide it's none of your business. If you decide to stay, would it be practical to spend most of your time in your room?

    I have housemates and am facing similar dilemmas.

    Good luck!
    GusWriter thanked this post.

  6. #6

    And this is why I live paycheck to paycheck. I know I'm unreasonable about certain lifestyles and I really require my peace and quiet. So I have my own place despite the 400 I would save each month otherwise.

  7. #7

    I gotta say, the influx of friends, or the boyfriend staying over, without notice or consideration for your right to a peaceful home environment, does irk me a bit. I had a similar situation with my last roommate, they had some new friends, a couple, basically move into our apartment. I mostly just kept to myself in my room, but no one asked me if I would have a problem with strangers living there rent free, using the kitchen when I was hungry, or using the bathroom when I needed it.

    I ended up moving out without notifying my roommates, I figured I'd treat them in kind. Overall, the couple that moved in was pleasant and tried not to over stay their welcome, but the lack of courtesy and consideration from my roommates is what really ground my gears.
    Last edited by DevilSlayerDante; 02-08-2019 at 07:32 PM.
    islandlight and MaysInfectious thanked this post.

  8. #8

    Hi MaysInfectious! To be honest, I think you're being a bit unreasonable with your expectations. There's always going to be something annoying when you live with roommates... I think it's pretty normal for people with boyfriends to have them over a few nights a week and I wouldn't ask them to pay rent or help out unless they were there every night and basically moved in. You pay rent for your room so I wouldn't get too much into your roommates business about getting her boyfriend to pay rent. Even in places where people don't have boyfriends there's nothing stopping them from getting into a relationship at some point that you'd have to deal with.

    About the animal food, that's just not for you to decide. Maybe she can't afford quality pet food? About cleaning the mess, we all have different standards of cleanliness and there are some people who never wash their sheets or eat around expired things in the fridge etc. Gross, I know... but that's just life with roommates. In a perfect world they'd all pick up after themselves and let people know about company being over etc. but like someone else mentioned, some people just want to be away from any form of control.

    I do think it's reasonable to ask if you can have a certain section of the fridge and then you just keep your area really clean. It's reasonable to ask about perhaps making a cleaning schedule / rotation with everyone. Hopefully things get better for you otherwise chalk it up to a lesson learned and maybe get your own place next time or only one other roommate if you can afford it.

  9. #9

    Learn how to live with other people or move in a place of your own. There are 0 red flags here (excluding the ones I get about you :) )
    GusWriter thanked this post.

  10. #10

    Quote Originally Posted by SoulScream View Post
    Learn how to live with other people or move in a place of your own. There are 0 red flags here (excluding the ones I get about you :) )
    Care to elaborate on how I'm showing red flags? Or are you just mindlessly talking schit... I spend an entire day cleaning up an unquestionably dirty house for everyone's benefit, yet I can't get common courtesy of someone just giving a forewarning on who is going to staying over for extended periods of time, or just saying "hey my bf is coming over this weekend". I have to babysit a cat that isn't mine because she's literally out all day? (not saying that's much of a chore, if at all).

    I'm not asking them or even instructing anyone to ask Me for permission to do anything, I just want basic lines of communication considering we share this space. If I didn't let her know I wanted a few friends over and she brings a few friends over the same day, now we have a freaking house party. I'm not sure that's fair to anyone if it wasn't DISCUSSED/PLANNED before hand. So that's the dilemma I'm asking. It's not about being a control freak or telling anyone where they can spit and when. Just a line of communication. That's the first point. I get that we have a level of freedom away from parents, but that is not the only reason to move away. And matter of fact, it isn't her reason or most people's reason. Some people move away for school (like she did) or for work. And in some cases the living situations you may move into may even be more restricted on what you can and can not do.

    I'm paying majority rent as of now and replaced the primary lease owner, so technically this is now my place more than it is hers.

    Again, I'm definitely not trying to control anyone or anything, I just like having a clean and relatively orderly living situation. I definitely understand and appreciate you guys opinions.

    Summer roads, I don't really agree with your viewpoint on just allowing someone to be dirty when it's not that hard to make a small effort to clean after yourself. I don't have a problem cleaning up at all so I wasn't making a complaint about not wanting to clean. I was just making a note that it's bad habit. She appreciated the fact that I cleaned so it goes back to fact that it was most likely the roommate I replaced and not her. So now I just want to re-establish some basic living habits so we don't drive each other crazy.i wasn't really given the opportunity to talk to her one on one before I moved in, so that's why all of this is kind of annoying to me right now. I don't want to mess up her way of life, and that's why I came to a place like this first to see how I can approach the situation without going full tilt Hitler. I don't think that is necessary in the least bit. I only signed up for one roommate! That's my point! Not a roommate and all their friends when they feel like staying here. So far she's already had 2 people stay overnight without letting me know. So yea, that was my biggest concern. I don't know how or when I should acknowledge this as a problem, because on one hand I do understand that's it's not fair for me to be a control freak, but on the other hand, I wasn't even told they had this lifestyle "layout" established. I had other options that made it clear, and it's my fault for not picking those options, not my current roommates fault.
    Last edited by MaysInfectious; 02-09-2019 at 03:34 PM.

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