[INTP] Relationship Anxiety and INTPs

Relationship Anxiety and INTPs

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This is a discussion on Relationship Anxiety and INTPs within the INTP Forum - The Thinkers forums, part of the NT's Temperament Forum- The Intellects category; Shit I need help. I'm new to relationships because I only really became open to the possibility this year. But ...

  1. #1

    Relationship Anxiety and INTPs

    Shit I need help. I'm new to relationships because I only really became open to the possibility this year. But do any other INTPs have relationship issues. As in whenever you see the person or going to see the person youre in a relationship with, you get anxiety?

    I'm not good at any part of the relationship. I got anxiety so bad that I ended up having health problems because of my anxiety and stress levels reached a new high.

    Don't get me wrong- you like the person you're seeing. But something in you ends up thinking that relationships don't feel realistic. They feel like they don't belong with other forms of interaction and because of this sporadic variable, you don't feel in control. Do you guys have this?

    Also, do you worry about wasting your time if it doesn't go right?

    I don't know how to control it. I feel fine when I'm with them, but I can feel the anxiety rising as time goes on. Especially after leaving them.

    But I know this is something I've got to get used to. I don't talk to many people at all. I don't have friends so this is a big step for me. Especially because the guy im seeing is an extrovert.

    If you INTPs have in fact experienced this, can you let me know how you got over it? Please not just time. It can be some sort of thought psychology that you had, some mentality. It can be actual physical methods. I don't care. Just anything.
    marybluesky thanked this post.



  2. #2
    Unknown

    You're outside of your comfort zone. Think of it as the growth zone.

  3. #3

    Quote Originally Posted by WintersFlame View Post
    Shit I need help. I'm new to relationships because I only really became open to the possibility this year. But do any other INTPs have relationship issues. As in whenever you see the person or going to see the person youre in a relationship with, you get anxiety?

    I'm not good at any part of the relationship. I got anxiety so bad that I ended up having health problems because of my anxiety and stress levels reached a new high.

    Don't get me wrong- you like the person you're seeing. But something in you ends up thinking that relationships don't feel realistic. They feel like they don't belong with other forms of interaction and because of this sporadic variable, you don't feel in control. Do you guys have this?

    Also, do you worry about wasting your time if it doesn't go right?

    I don't know how to control it. I feel fine when I'm with them, but I can feel the anxiety rising as time goes on. Especially after leaving them.

    But I know this is something I've got to get used to. I don't talk to many people at all. I don't have friends so this is a big step for me. Especially because the guy im seeing is an extrovert.

    If you INTPs have in fact experienced this, can you let me know how you got over it? Please not just time. It can be some sort of thought psychology that you had, some mentality. It can be actual physical methods. I don't care. Just anything.
    1) If you really think about it, in any given situation you're usually in control of less than 10% of the variables. If you avoided everything you couldn't control you'd only be able to live in a sensory deprivation tank.
    2) You won't git gud or patch up your psychological blind spots by running away.
    3) It'd be a waste of time if you truly got nothing out of it. Relationships often are sonar blips that allow you to echolocate your own psychology. There's lessons in all of them,
    4) The overthinking goes away as you go through enough relationships, because you will become desensitized.
    Inmate5446 thanked this post.

  4. #4

    How comfortable are you with the guy himself?

    Are you being your true self with him, or are you putting a front?

    1) If that's the case, no wonder you've anxiety.

    We are weird, people either like us or hate us and very few are in between. Be true to yourself, if he doesn't like what he sees his loss, and you can move on with your life.

    2) If you are being yourself and this is indeed social anxiety, try to spend more time with the guy doing casual/friendly stuff. The more you get to know each other, the more you are going to feel comfortable around him.

    You mentioned he's an extrovert, so chances are you may be meeting/or you may be asked to meet his (many) friends. Don't be afraid to set boundaries if you feel uncomfortable being around too many people at first. Explain you're not used to it, and that it may be better if you meet 1-2 people at a time, so you don't feel overwhelmed.

  5. #5

    Quote Originally Posted by WintersFlame View Post
    Also, do you worry about wasting your time if it doesn't go right?
    The opposite actually, as if it comforts me to know that it wouldn't last forever with that person.

    An 'option', isn't that sad. Probably because I don't feel ready to settle yet, and that novelty is just too much fun. It will come with age, I am sure; the need for commitment will replace it eventually.

  6. #6

    I'm by no means an expert. In fact I'm pretty ignorant, so take my words with a grain of salt.
    But I'm not sure if it was from years of being a loner type, or if I was just so used to being disappointed in love - but the first time somebody actually reciprocated feelings towards me, I panicked. It was almost like I had like a mental breakdown.


  7. #7
    INTP

    Do something simple: quit meeting people who want to use you as a weapon (intelligence) and start pursuing the people who want to defend your personality!

    Our minds take action after all perspectives lead to one reason:
    Its not what we don't know that we are scared of.
    It is the things that we do know that we are scared of.

    Our divorces and breakups are conceivably unreal to the normative. Its a Pyrrhic Victory.
    INTP--Worse than Women.

    Fe: the full spectrum of living, we push that... we can get hurt badly!

    A good 'J' type can sooth you right end--they will show you something :). Remind you of grace (with your analytic mind) and it feels like a ton of affection. They will also show you that they aren't interested in using you as a weapon. It feels like security from the self... or the inner pheonix.

    Live Hard
    Love Hard
    Die Hard

    Your fear is rational. Look for good judgement to offset good perception!
    Last edited by kbhtech; 06-27-2019 at 10:35 PM.

  8. #8

    All I know is that I had that feeling. The major difference was I felt compelled to see the person not anxious. Over time, I became anxious and out of control.

    The last time I had it tore me to shreds. This was pre-mbti stage for me. It sparked a whole transformation. Apparently there ended up being something fundamentally wrong about the whole relationship.

    How I transformed:
    More physically attractive
    More aware of intelligence
    Picked up mbti
    Picked up health sciences
    Started learning another language
    Aware of weaknesses

    That is just the beginning of the list.


    As for now,
    I'm a physically attractive male (I'd rate myself 7/10). It is quite common for me to see someone interested in me.
    I tried talking to some, but ended up nowhere.

    Now I get the feeling of ending up nowhere when picturing the conversation.



    As for the tips, I'd take a look as into why the person isn't a fit. What's the first thing that pops into mind and why?

  9. #9

    Quote Originally Posted by WintersFlame View Post
    Shit I need help. I'm new to relationships because I only really became open to the possibility this year. But do any other INTPs have relationship issues. As in whenever you see the person or going to see the person youre in a relationship with, you get anxiety?

    I'm not good at any part of the relationship. I got anxiety so bad that I ended up having health problems because of my anxiety and stress levels reached a new high.

    Don't get me wrong- you like the person you're seeing. But something in you ends up thinking that relationships don't feel realistic. They feel like they don't belong with other forms of interaction and because of this sporadic variable, you don't feel in control. Do you guys have this?

    Also, do you worry about wasting your time if it doesn't go right?

    I don't know how to control it. I feel fine when I'm with them, but I can feel the anxiety rising as time goes on. Especially after leaving them.

    But I know this is something I've got to get used to. I don't talk to many people at all. I don't have friends so this is a big step for me. Especially because the guy im seeing is an extrovert.

    If you INTPs have in fact experienced this, can you let me know how you got over it? Please not just time. It can be some sort of thought psychology that you had, some mentality. It can be actual physical methods. I don't care. Just anything.
    Hi. Much of what you're saying very much rings true for me. I'm sorry you're having a rough time. :(

    It seems like with most healthy relationships, control has to be at least partly relinquished. I definitely know how it can feel thoroughly unpleasant to an INTP to do so, because it can feel like you're leaving yourself vulnerable in multiple ways. I also absolutely get the "wasting time" feeling . We're keyed towards seeking out the optimal, ideal versions of everything, especially in something as precious as an intimate relationship, so if things stumble, if a date or a night together or a weekend with them doesn't go great, it can feel like a bigger defeat than it is. You've probably had the experience of wondering if your date is enjoying himself while you're in the middle of the date, or replaying bits of it afterward and wishing you'd said/acted differently.

    In general, all I can really say (and I know it's somewhat generic advice) is: give yourself permission to take your hand off the wheel a little bit. It's nerve-wracking, especially for folks like us. In some situations, the ideal can be reached (or approximated); in relationships it's almost impossible to get even close to the ideal, because no matter how on point you are, you are also dealing with a wholly unpredictable set of variables in the form of your partner. Even when you've been seeing them a while, they'll still surprise you (hopefully mostly in the good way, but not always). Hurt and misunderstandings are inevitable, even in the best relationships, and it'll feel like your heart's being gouged out, but you can survive it.

    Communication is crucial. And I also know how tough this part is, too. The extrovert will observe and intuit and hopefully know something's up, but you still have to let them inside your head. As they come to understand you, they'll either learn to appreciate you, or not. And if they don't, they may not be a good match.

    Above all, don't give up. Love is tough for us to find, but it's worth it when we do, even if it's only fleeting. Good luck and take care.
    Aletheia, Hurricane Matthew and WintersFlame thanked this post.

  10. #10

    Quote Originally Posted by WintersFlame View Post
    But do any other INTPs have relationship issues.
    I do. All its steps are energy consuming and tiresome for me.
    Quote Originally Posted by WintersFlame View Post
    As in whenever you see the person or going to see the person you're in a relationship with, you get anxiety?
    Not that much in their presence; rather in their absence.
    Quote Originally Posted by WintersFlame View Post
    I'm not good at any part of the relationship.
    Neither am I.
    Quote Originally Posted by WintersFlame View Post
    I got anxiety so bad that I ended up having health problems because of my anxiety and stress levels reached a new high.
    Spot on! That stress seems like coming directly from the hell. It inflames you in the bad sense. Nothing, NOTHING else in the world causes me stress that much. I have a considerably lower than average stress level in general
    Quote Originally Posted by WintersFlame View Post
    Don't get me wrong- you like the person you're seeing.
    I even didn't enjoy their company.
    Quote Originally Posted by WintersFlame View Post
    But something in you ends up thinking that relationships don't feel realistic.
    THIS! Romantic relationships don't feel natural to me, although I'm not aromantic nor asexual. Something feels wrong...
    Quote Originally Posted by WintersFlame View Post
    They feel like they don't belong with other forms of interaction and because of this sporadic variable, you don't feel in control. Do you guys have this?
    They're like a convention I never understand; like an area I'll never belong to.
    Quote Originally Posted by WintersFlame View Post
    Also, do you worry about wasting your time if it doesn't go right?
    No because I've been single almost all my life. What have I to lose?
    Quote Originally Posted by WintersFlame View Post
    I don't know how to control it. I feel fine when I'm with them, but I can feel the anxiety rising as time goes on. Especially after leaving them.
    I totally understand.
    Quote Originally Posted by WintersFlame View Post
    But I know this is something I've got to get used to.
    Don't know. I tried to endure all that shit and nothing precious came out of it.
    Quote Originally Posted by WintersFlame View Post
    If you INTPs have in fact experienced this, can you let me know how you got over it?
    I never got over it despite being a reasonably extroverted INTP with several friends and acquaintances.


     
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