[INTP] Forgiveness


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This is a discussion on Forgiveness within the INTP Forum - The Thinkers forums, part of the NT's Temperament Forum- The Intellects category; How do you deal with someone that messed up with you? I noticed that depending on the situation I can ...

  1. #1


    How do you deal with someone that messed up with you?

    I noticed that depending on the situation I can instantly forgive people for being assholes. There was a guy who fucked up the entire team in my work. Everyone hates him, yesterday I talked to him like he was my best friend lol. In fact, he ended up messing with me because he wanted to get a co-worker triggered, but even with him messing with me and a good friend of mine I just didn't care enough to be bad with him.

    I noticed that for me to really hate someone the person needs to 1) Attack me directly. I don't take other's fights (not even from my mom) 2) Be unuseful to me, someone that I can't see as a possible opportunity in the future.

  2. #2

    It takes a lot for me to feel like I can't forgive someone. So much so that it hasn't actually happened yet.

    I'm thinking of this one guy who screwed with me and other people who I care about. If he came to me and asked for forgiveness I don't see myself hesitating.

    I don't see the use in people feeling guilty for things that they have done if they regret what they did. You can learn from your mistakes without the guilt element of it lasting for years.

    I think everyone has those out of the blue moments where they remember a time when they did something wrong and feel terrible, but it's a useless feeling to go through and if I can help people avoid it by letting them know that they don't need to feel guilty about whatever they did then I will.

    I have always related to the INFJ door slam idea. I do the same kind of thing, but it's not a door slam.
    It's more like I close the door over, but leave it cracked open a little bit so they can open it again if they decide that they want to try to continue the friendship.

  3. #3

    I don't do forgiveness. The concept has never made sense to me. Either people's words/actions bother me enough that I stop dealing with those people or their words/actions don't bother me that much.

    Maybe forgiveness doesn't make sense to me because I tend to be concerned about being in unpleasant situations and how much power I have to seek or avoid situations rather than getting angry at the people involved in those situations.
    Morpheu, spylass and t4u6 thanked this post.

  4. #4

    I'm with you about not hating the 'bad guy'. In order to forgive, there's gotta be something to forgive (and it's actually not that easy to get mad).

    What I do find very difficult to swallow are things to do with dishonesty, or the deliberate holding back of information.
    For example: Back in my late teens, friend X started seeing the person I myself had just stopped seeing. Behind my back, of course. And when I found out... Well, I was upset; not because of what happened (friend X breaking the 'bro code'), but because I never knew, and of course wasn't ever supposed to know. That made the entire thing terribly treacherous. I did end up 'forgiving' friend X; we are still good friends to this day --but not without the permanent flick of a switch in the trust department. So I guess I never really did.
    Morpheu and s2theizay thanked this post.

  5. #5

    I forgive so well and so easily that I almost think its a flaw of mine but at the same time a strength. For example, in the past, it has gotten me in trouble because my current husband and ex have both done some completely unforgivable things. My ex verbally abused me. Thats why I divorced him but I have no ill feelings toward him. I forgave him too many times, thats before I knew about thw cylce of abuse. When I learned more about why he made me feel so shitty, I immediately knew what I had to do and divirced him. That doesnt mean I didnt forgive him. I felt really sorry for him. He had a shitty family and didnt know any better. But I wouldnt let him do that to me.
    My current husband seemed like a saint. Until I found the skeletons in his closet. He cheated on me . . . Too many tines to count. When I figures it out, I thought it was just the one. He told me the whole story. It took a while to figure out what to do. And a lot of work on myself and him. But I eventually forgave him. And we didnt get divorced. But I told him what will happen if he does that again. The stakes are too high for him. Now that doesnt mean I forgot. It doesnt mean I let someone abuse me. Forgiving is letting the hurt go. Not feeling like they owe you something. Not feeling like you want to harm them (sometimes that ones hard). They dont have to apologize in order for you to forgive. You just let go of the hurt. Its for you not them.
    I was very forgiving before I knew what real hurt felt like. After I was wounded beyond what words can describe, it took me over a year to forgive.
    I think the reason why people may think we forgive easily is because it really takes a whole lot to get us INTPs angry. Like repetitive treating us like shit. So if someone is a little rude or is a jerk a few times, we really brush it off because it doesnt bother us much. Honestly, I forget about it most times and the other person brings it up.
    It is better to forgive for your own sake. So that you dont harbor negative feelings that can eat you up inside. I have seen this happen to other people with their family and its like a cancer. It keeps growing. This happened with my dads siblings and my moms sister. It took my moms sister 50 someting years to finally let it go and forgive!
    Morpheu thanked this post.

  6. #6

    Could be lower feeling and, specifically Fi in the 8th position. With Fe as an inferior, I would imagine that when INTP's do lean into Fe for decision making, it is very anchored in real-time and dependent on those around, harmonizing with the external.
    Morpheu thanked this post.

  7. #7

    Anyone who violates my core principles is removed from my life forever, no forgiveness for the wicked. Mistakes can be forgiven, but some thing's, like adultery, aren't mistakes, they are choices.

    Sent from my RS988 using Tapatalk
    Morpheu thanked this post.

  8. #8

    I explored this topic here before so I'll stick to cliff notes.

    Forgiveness is a non issue, as I operate a bit differently: Transgressions make me update my mental model of the person and re-evaluate if contact is worth sustaining. I don't just take the transgression into account, I take the motivation as well.

    Deliberate malice is an automatic writeoff. Once that boundary is crossed it's never uncrossed as there's always the possibility it's in every future interaction. If I can't trust you to act in good faith, I'd rather not deal with you.
    Morpheu and spylass thanked this post.

  9. #9

    Quote Originally Posted by Necrofantasia View Post
    I explored this topic here before so I'll stick to cliff notes.

    Forgiveness is a non issue, as I operate a bit differently: Transgressions make me update my mental model of the person and re-evaluate if contact is worth sustaining.
    I am exactly the same. I don't do "forgiveness" in a traditional sense. If someone has done something intentionally negative towards me, they become lower in my eyes. I don't see why them saying a magic word should make me deny their actions and pretend it didn't happen. Basically if someone reveals themselves to be an asshole I think "oh this person is an asshole." Saying sorry does not mean I will forget that they are an asshole.
    Webbedlaker thanked this post.

  10. #10

    depends on the situation- people make mistakes and not all are done with malicious intent...so I do forgive- but I never forget.

    Sometimes I give people second chances, but mess with me again and you're out forever.

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