INTPs and initiating/driving friendships/relationships

INTPs and initiating/driving friendships/relationships

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This is a discussion on INTPs and initiating/driving friendships/relationships within the INTP Forum - The Thinkers forums, part of the NT's Temperament Forum- The Intellects category; Hi there, I am an INFJ breaking into INTP territory ;-) and I feel a little pathetic doing this...maybe my ...

  1. #1
    INFJ - The Protectors

    INTPs and initiating/driving friendships/relationships

    Hi there,

    I am an INFJ breaking into INTP territory ;-) and I feel a little pathetic doing this...maybe my introversion function likes trying to work these things out independently, but no matter.

    Here's the story:

    I noticed this guy at a Quaker meeting and was intrigued by him. But, obviuosly that is not the time to meditate on potentially interesting people, so I kept my focus. Then, after it had ended, I was talking to some other people and he came up and sat with us. I looked at him as he joined in the conversation, and there was just some extraordinary intuitive spark that felt very mutual.

    So we got talkiing and he asked if I fancied going for a drink, and it was really wonderful. he was totally random and off the wall, and I completely was on the same wavelength and vice versa. The conversation flowed very freely cosidering how shy I normally am around new people; we seem to be totally on the same wavelength re spirituality and philosphy and exploring those ideas, and it was amazing not to have to do the boring small talk stuff. I felt kind of inspired by him, and that felt mutual. And he paid me a few compliments, which with an S-type I would be kinda suspicious of, but they seemed to come out more as observations. I felt like he was kind of detatched and observing, and my hunch is definitely INTP. I have a few INTP (married) guys friends who I have the same sort of connection in conversation that we had. At the end of the evening, he didn't ask for my number - I guess maybe that's cos I hold back a lot until I really get to know anyone - but he said he might see me at the next weeks meeting.

    I didn't actually see him there, however, by chance we bumped into each other at his univesity. I was sitting eating lunch alone, and he was just about to, so we went outside and ate together. Again, the ideas and conversation was really exciting and flowing, and he observed that I was cold and gave me his jacket, which I thought was kinda nice. Appeals to my romantic sentiments!! ;-) He had to go to a class, but before going, we exchanged numbers.

    After a few days, I texted him about something we'd been discussing, and he was interested in the idea, added something and asked me my opinion. I replied, but I never got a response back. Then, a week later- and much against my usual style, I have never ever intiated with a guy and don't enjoy doing it at all - I asked him if he fancied meeting up. His response was very enthusiastic and cordial, however he has exams so asked if he can take a raincheck.

    Its been a fortnight now since that last communication, and I'm not at all clingy and totally understand the need for space etc, however I don't want him to get away, even if just for friendship, there was something there that was just too exciting to leave unexplored.

    So my question is about INTP's and initiation. I do feel that there is something mutual, but since we first met, I appear to be driving it, which makes me feel a little vulnerable... and of course, certain types do just play you along, though my instinct is that he isn't. Do INTP's not generally initiate? Would it be viewed negatively if I were to drive (at least) a friendship? Or would it be seen as needy and clingy, which is far from what I'm like!

    Well, sorry for the essay, it is very ESFX to talk about every detail like this, but I just can't stop thinking about him. (roll of eyes)

  2. #2
    INTP - The Thinkers

    intp´s rarely initiate. we do flirt though. you should go after him untill you get him. he won´t mind

  3. #3
    INTP - The Thinkers

    Ventricity made the most pertinent point already. INTPs rarely initiate anything, and your approach appears to be more than welcome. I doubt he'd be so happy and cordial if he's actually an INTP and didn't enjoy your company a great deal. We're not so great at being polite, nice, or enthusiastic for its own sake. Enthusiasm is especially difficult to fake.

    Another thing is that you'll have to spell things out for him sometimes. Seriously. While I can appreciate the "You should just know," mentality, we're terrible at reading between certain lines even though we're great with others. If it's emotionally based and something he doesn't have previous context for, there's almost no chance he'll know what response you want from him but if you give him a chance he'll likely prove to be a quick study.
    Morpheus83, LadyJava, thehigher and 2 others thanked this post.

  4. #4
    INTP - The Thinkers

    I have nothing to add, only to stress how much I agree with what Ventricity and Trope said.

    Especially this:
    I doubt he'd be so happy and cordial if he's actually an INTP and didn't enjoy your company a great deal. We're not so great at being polite, nice, or enthusiastic for its own sake.
    angelictroublemaker thanked this post.

  5. #5
    INFJ - The Protectors

    Thanks guys, that's really helpful...although i'm really gonna have to get out of my comfort zone. i guess it'llbe worth it for an INTP though ;-) they're so rare, you can't just let them get away!! lol ;-)

  6. #6
    ENFP - The Inspirers

    This thread made me smile and you weren't ESFX-ish at all - it was totally cute and appealing to my romantic side <3
    I doubt I can add any advice of value, but wishes of luck <3

  7. #7
    INFJ - The Protectors

    thank you :-) (blushing)

    fingers and toes crossed!

  8. #8

    You might try sharing your cheese with him!

  9. #9
    Unknown Personality

    Aaah, INTPs. One of my favorite subjects lately. *grin*
    Let me tell you something. *sits down and get her story book out* *lol*

    So first of all, you will have to be very initiative yourself and go after him. Him not answering for a long time is very normal. INTPs can be quite flaky. They can easily forget something (they don't even do it on purpose) and get stuck with doing something else. They don't even mean harm with that, it's just how they are. So if he just randomly disappears for a time, don't you ever think it has something to do with you; especially if he responds so well to your meetings. (I know, their flakiness can be a bit weird for us Js sometimes)

    The discussions. Aaah, welcome to the world of Mind Melds. INTPs are kickass at that. I am not sure how exactly they do it yet, but they can connect your and their minds in a way that can make you get the chills. They can make you feel so very safe and inspired during a discussion. Gotta love it.
    I guess one of the easiest ways to an INTPs soul is to have nice, interesting, deep conversations. The cool thing is, you can talk about quite anything. INTPs seem to be creeped out very seldom.

    What I also found out is, that many INTPs kinda do like a challenge and like to explore. So you might want to make sure you do not just spit out your life in front of them. Make it a bit fun for them to get to know you.
    I noticed that INTPs are also big on being playful. Maybe it was just coincidences for me so far, but you might wanna keep it in mind.

    In any case, it CAN take quite a while until you get where you want to. Best thing is to not be pushy and let him decide when he is ready for what. You can find out about the *status* by talking about it in a conversation. But don't go all superdirect like "I want you to be my boyfriend" or so. You kinda have to work it into your discussions and only in small doses. You could start by saying stuff like "I like to talk to you". Then you slooooowly raise that. Seriously, let them have some time, unless he mentions anything randomly before you.
    Relationships of any sorts tend to grow slowly but steadily with INTPs. But it's a good thing. Gives you MUCH time to get to know him better. Same for him.
    Oh and YES, it is totally worth it to get over yourself and be a bit more initiative. So I do wish you a lot of luck. ^^

  10. #10
    INFP - The Idealists

    Well, it seems from your description that he is interested in you. but, you have to bare in mind that INTPs seem to have almost no concept of time and to them two weeks is no different from a day, they may be distant for a long time and then pick up where they left. My advice would be to be patient and try to divert your attention from the whole matter for a while, coz comming from a fellow INFX we tend to "worry", it's just inevitable.

    I guess the INTP effect on NF type is more like a cold bucket of water that puts out our enthusiasm, to us they seem aloof and cold even if they are interested. Another thing to watch out for is "mind games" which INTPs might engage in, not for the enjoyment of messing with our heads but something about "being a worthy oponent" or someone they think deserves their effort.

    My final advice would be, don't jump in too fast with your feeling and try to stay calm...
    LadyJava thanked this post.

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