This is a discussion on Confessions of an INTP within the INTP Forum - The Thinkers forums, part of the NT's Temperament Forum- The Intellects category; @ HAL @ Venoshock Everybody just calm down. Thanks....
I'm procrastinating a lot.
So, my mother passed away a few weeks ago. It was so different than when my father passed away over two decades ago. That was unexpected and he was not that old. My mom was in her 80s. I was a complete destroyed mess when my father died. When I got the phone call about my mother I was saddened but my outlook on life and death has developed. My mother and I over the years have had our discussions about our faith(which developed separately when in less contact) and I know what she believed, and I'm not sad for her, just those of us who will miss her. For a brief moment I felt guilty for not mourning stronger, but really I'm happy for her. I've missed our phone talks the last few weeks, but this is part of living. I'm just really glad I became deliberate about keeping in better contact with her and building a stronger relationship several years ago.
I really want to leave China now. The only thing stopping me is that my main friend circle (a small one) and my 'settled life' are over here.
My reasons for wanting to leave are two-fold (or at least, they're best summed up into two separate categories).
1. I'm sick of China.
2. I miss home
1. I don't know about other western nations, but sometimes in the UK recently there's talk of immigrants wanting to leave because they feel unwelcome after the Brexit vote. Personally, I'm getting the same feelings in China. Not relating to Brexit though.... The problem over here is one of generic nationalism. Chinese people on the whole are taught that they are simply better than all other races. It doesn't matter where you're from, if you're a foreigner you're never going to be considered "one of us". A viral video on social media today depicted two Indian guys dropping litter on the floor, and a Chinese hero saving the day, winning a fight against them and saying some spiel about how China is a great clean country and visitors need to respect that. The thing is, the video was staged, it was all theatrics, and worst of all, China is not especially clean, I mean... parents let their kids shit on the fucking street! Yet the constant underlying belief is that the Chinese way is the best, most righteous and most civil way. There's a deep nationalism here that I respect in many ways, but I simply can't stand how insular and uninformed a lot of people are. People say Americans are pretty bad when it comes to having no global outlook, well I'm telling you right now, Chinese folk are exactly the same. I'm just not happy being part of this any more. I know the west isn't a perfect example of diversity and multiculturalism, but at least there's a much greater effort (and discussion) on the issue. Or maybe I'm as bad as the rest and just want to live with 'my people' again? I don't know, but I feel bad in some way, and that's pretty much the bottom of it.
2. This sort of relates to the above post, about parents passing away and all that. My parents at 60 are still 'young' enough to do typical family things with them, have meals together, spend festive events together and enjoy it as we did when I was just a kid. But not for much longer. Ten years from now, frailty and aging will have started to really show their effects, and the fun times will slowly diminish. I feel more and more like an actual traitor to my family for being so far away. My three brothers are still living near my parents (okay, one is going to the Netherlands soon to study, but that's only a short flight from home), while I'm on the other side of the world. What's worse is I'm not here for any good reason any more. At first it was a mixture of adventure and finding my feet on a new career path. But I've done both of those things now, and I can't really say I'm staying here for money or for 'building my future' because I'd now be able to do way better for myself if I headed back to the UK (or perhaps I could go to look for higher work in Beijing or Shanghai, but that's a different matter...). Either way, I feel like I don't have any compelling reasons for staying away from my parents and brothers any more. I liked things better when I was based near to them, then went on the odd long term trip elsewhere, e.g. studying 1 year in London, living 10 months in Australia, or even when I did my first year in China. For all of those things, it wasn't ever a permanent move. But now I'm back in China and it's been about 3 years, with just a few visits back home. It doesn't feel right. I feel more and more distant from my home life, while my parents and brothers continue on without me.
So that's that.
I can't just get up and leave because I'm settled here with my girlfriend (I'd have to split up with her - I don't get a feeling like things are 'forever' with her anyway, but splitting up would be a big thing in itself...), my friends are all here, and I'm working at a start-up where I feel pretty confident in how rapidly things are growing, with myself providing all of the technical/programming aspects, so I have a lot of input and responsibility which is pretty cool to be part of. It doesn't feel like enough to make me want to stay though. Perhaps if I was paid more... but I'm not, so there's no motivation there either. I'm not even earning enough to put aside any savings. It's madness really, when I think about it.
Bleurgh, dunno what I'm doing with myself at the moment.
I'm being a complete and total braggart about my first book review. Complimentary, and specifically aimed at the largest potential buyers. I'm gonna have trouble coming down to day job for a few minutes.
Today the there was a training session where the software that I made (me me me!) was on a gigantic screen, so employees could be quickly trained on how to use it.
Felt pretty cool!
What's your book about?