[INTP] Confessions of an INTP - Page 892

Confessions of an INTP

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This is a discussion on Confessions of an INTP within the INTP Forum - The Thinkers forums, part of the NT's Temperament Forum- The Intellects category; I impulsively took all the painkillers I had left because, idk, I deserve to hurt physically on the inside as ...

  1. #8911
    INTP - The Thinkers

    I impulsively took all the painkillers I had left because, idk, I deserve to hurt physically on the inside as much as I do emotionally? I don't know, I'm stupid, haha. Going to call the ER soon, it'll be okay. I'm worried they'll tell my parents though but I don't really have a choice, my parents will get to know somehow anyway so whateverrrrrr
    I feel much better now though, ironically, so it sucks that I'll have to spend so much time there when I kinda just want to chill and watch a movie haha

  2. #8912
    INTP

    It's been a while since my last confession


    • Just watched the confessional scene in Fleabag which explained a lot of my childhood thirst for Catholicism, as well as the residue of said thirst in my now adult life.

    • Why does my safe space have to be my bed? It's very unfortunate. I can't get any work done and I also get very particular about having people in it, which is not ideal.

    • I was talking with a friend about how most people I know will, inbetween the ups and downs of life, will have one or two years where everything is just sort of "going". Things are alright, there is work and leisure and some routine and some outings and just enough sense of what you're about until the next shift up. I can't say I've had that. I'm starting to really want it. My friend argued I wouldn't be me, I'd be some boring person. I really want to be that other, boring person. I have the wildest fantasies about it. I will move in with this friend who is in love with me, take his life and his house and have his stepson, be in that tiny white village community writing knock-off Dickinson poems for open mic night at the pub and working some finance secretary job to pass the bare minimum of expectations.

      I'm starting to wonder if that really is giving up. Maybe trying so hard came from the wrong place to start with.

      I know my grit is what I've got. I can tough out any situation. I just don't know where to take it next.

    • In better news I've managed to circle my way back to therapy. I conveniently forgot the actual experience of what building trust is like. He pisses me off. I hadn't fear-cried in a good while and he got me there in less than half a session. I told him his questions annoyed me and he said he was well-known amongst colleagues for being especially confrontational. Finely adding: "I guess you didn't know that" right as I was internally going "Fuck.".

    • I now want to fight my therapist. Previously I put a lot of stock in being a good patient ("client") but he deserves the mess of me.

    • I've cultivated a talent for maintaining appearances, rather than maintaining myself. It's really hard to not let that shine. I think this is what con artists feel like when they pull off something tricky. Minus the existential agony.

    • I somehow took this standstill in life as an opportune moment to figure out some body stuff, the most momentous of which has been figuring out my actual cupsize. I thought I couldn't be far off if it somewhat fit and just postponed getting measured until I could afford a nice, department store one. Turns out I have a tiny ribcage. I went down two bandsizes and correspondingly up two cupsizes. I have since been telling this story to every close female friend who has cared to hear, which is by far not as many times as I want to.

    • Actual confession: I have thrown out my supermarket panties for real, nice ones. I amassed supermarket panties by never bothering with the laundry so this is a serious commitment.

    • Bonus actual confession: I find professional, platonic touch so soothing. I love getting patted down at airports. I will 'forget' my metal hairpin. Unfortunately my white privilege has ruined this the last couple times.

  3. #8913
    INTP

    Quote Originally Posted by School View Post
    I impulsively took all the painkillers I had left because, idk, I deserve to hurt physically on the inside as much as I do emotionally? I don't know, I'm stupid, haha. Going to call the ER soon, it'll be okay. I'm worried they'll tell my parents though but I don't really have a choice, my parents will get to know somehow anyway so whateverrrrrr
    I feel much better now though, ironically, so it sucks that I'll have to spend so much time there when I kinda just want to chill and watch a movie haha
    This is fucking stupid and humble-bragging about it to the internet is going to get you nowhere.

    Tell your parents immediately.
    DoIHavetohaveaUserName thanked this post.

  4. #8914
    INTP - The Thinkers

    Quote Originally Posted by HAL View Post
    This is fucking stupid and humble-bragging about it to the internet is going to get you nowhere.

    Tell your parents immediately.
    Lol, chill. It went alright. I wasn't "humble-bragging", I was confessing... in the confessions thread... where people confess stuff...

  5. #8915
    INTP

    Quote Originally Posted by School View Post
    Lol, chill. It went alright. I wasn't "humble-bragging", I was confessing... in the confessions thread... where people confess stuff...
    There's nothing 'chill' or 'alright' about munching a ton of pills and getting yourself to ER for it.

    I'm only saying what everyone else is thinking..!

  6. #8916
    INTP - The Thinkers

    Quote Originally Posted by HAL View Post
    There's nothing 'chill' or 'alright' about munching a ton of pills and getting yourself to ER for it.

    I'm only saying what everyone else is thinking..!
    I guess not, but I don't really care that much about my own safety anymore, and to my standards it didn't really hurt 'enough'. It doesn't matter. My psychologist knows about all this, by the way, but there's not much he can do about it either.

  7. #8917

    Quote Originally Posted by School View Post
    I guess not, but I don't really care that much about my own safety anymore, and to my standards it didn't really hurt 'enough'. It doesn't matter. My psychologist knows about all this, by the way, but there's not much he can do about it either.
    What about hurting the people around you?

    I don't know what your relationship with your parents is but I'm sure someone would care if you accidentally (or not) offed yourself.

    Hope you're feeling better.
    School thanked this post.

  8. #8918
    INTP - The Thinkers

    Quote Originally Posted by Aridela View Post
    What about hurting the people around you?

    I don't know what your relationship with your parents is but I'm sure someone would care if you accidentally (or not) offed yourself.

    Hope you're feeling better.
    I've been staying alive / limiting my self-harm because I don't want to hurt other people, but it's just too much. Right now I have a friend staying with me, and though it's very nice, part of me wishes he would leave so I could hurt myself again. I don't know, I have this constant feeling. It's like this: I don't want to kill myself, but I want to hurt myself so much that I die 'by accident' anyway. I wish I hadn't gone to the ER after taking the pills, I could've just waited until the next day or something and then have died a painful and probably slow-ish death instead. I don't know. There's so much I should've done different in my life. Honestly, it would've been better if I had just died when I was a kid, you know? Sorry, I didn't mean to go on a rant or whatever, I've just been thinking a lot about all this for a long time haha
    Aridela and L P thanked this post.

  9. #8919

    Quote Originally Posted by School View Post
    I've been staying alive / limiting my self-harm because I don't want to hurt other people, but it's just too much. Right now I have a friend staying with me, and though it's very nice, part of me wishes he would leave so I could hurt myself again. I don't know, I have this constant feeling. It's like this: I don't want to kill myself, but I want to hurt myself so much that I die 'by accident' anyway. I wish I hadn't gone to the ER after taking the pills, I could've just waited until the next day or something and then have died a painful and probably slow-ish death instead. I don't know. There's so much I should've done different in my life. Honestly, it would've been better if I had just died when I was a kid, you know? Sorry, I didn't mean to go on a rant or whatever, I've just been thinking a lot about all this for a long time haha
    Wouldn't it be better to simply take steps to mitigate the suffering, since you've got reasons not to fully close the book, instead of risking "accidentally" hurting other people, needlessly taking up resources in an ER that people who actually want to live could really use, and wasting your own time?

    I am speaking from a position roughly similar to yours. I also have started cutting in the last five months, and have essentially wanted to be done with life for a couple of years now, only being stopped by loyalty to my mom who is already in need of being taken care of, and by the uncertainty that what expects me if a) I fail, and b) If I succeed.

    So if we're stuck, why not make the most of it?
    Aridela thanked this post.

  10. #8920
    INTP - The Thinkers

    Quote Originally Posted by Necrofantasia View Post
    Wouldn't it be better to simply take steps to mitigate the suffering, since you've got reasons not to fully close the book, instead of risking "accidentally" hurting other people, needlessly taking up resources in an ER that people who actually want to live could really use, and wasting your own time?

    I am speaking from a position roughly similar to yours. I also have started cutting in the last five months, and have essentially wanted to be done with life for a couple of years now, only being stopped by loyalty to my mom who is already in need of being taken care of, and by the uncertainty that what expects me if a) I fail, and b) If I succeed.

    So if we're stuck, why not make the most of it?
    I've had these problems for nearly a decade now, and I've tried to make the best of it - I still study, I still hang out with friends, I still try to do nice things for myself and others. I'm really trying, even though I know it probably doesn't look like it based on what I'm sharing online. Yet it feels like I'm losing control and the stuff that would normally stop me from doing stuff is just vanishing, like I don't have the same limits anymore. If someone had told me that I was going to take an overdose on painkillers just a few weeks ago, I wouldn't have believed them. But now it feels like, if I was alone for too long again, I would probably do something similar or far more extreme.

    I could have kept it secret from everyone around me, including the psychologist. But I actually asked for help before the overdose, I was inpatient for a while. I genuinely want help and I want to make it easier for them to help me (I've become far more open and honest with them lately), but at the same time I feel so done with life and I don't have the same limits anymore.

    Also, the ER is for everyone. Doesn't matter if it's self-inflicted or not. It's literally their job to help with this kind of stuff, and on top of that I'm always (at least trying to be) calm and polite.
    Err thanked this post.


     
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