[INTP] Confessions of an INTP - Page 895

Confessions of an INTP

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This is a discussion on Confessions of an INTP within the INTP Forum - The Thinkers forums, part of the NT's Temperament Forum- The Intellects category; Originally Posted by BigApplePi Oh maybe I'm in a mood, but isolation yes. I seem to often think of things ...

  1. #8941
    Unknown

    Quote Originally Posted by BigApplePi View Post
    Oh maybe I'm in a mood, but isolation yes. I seem to often think of things no one else has. I'm working on two essays to publish right here on PerC and don't keep at it because I don't have a close friend to talk to about it. I'm so isolated I can't tell if I really have a new point-of-view that is worthy.

    That's what struck me about what you said. Is your poetry unique and therefore worth something or does it merely fail at what the magazine wants for its readers. Maybe another publisher?
    It's both unique and it fails at what most magazines want for readers. And yeah, I will keep trying and keep writing when I can.

    So should you. Other people don't decide the worth of your viewpoint. Even if they don't pay attention to it or react badly, that's no reason not to write your essays. Believing your own point of view is worthy and writing because you have something to say ought to be enough, and in some cases, that belief itself will make others take it more seriously. And no thought is ever truly new. The most you can do to create original content is express your point of view unabashedly as you see it, because perceptions are what's actually original. No one else is you and no else will ever be able to be you, and that's something that can never be taken away via social isolation. There is inherent worth in that, in your expression, in the way one person is able to say the same thing differently than someone else, focusing on different aspects, having different valuations, understanding differently simply because they are the only one of them who exists.

    I hope you do publish your essays here.
    Dalien, BigApplePi and secondpassing thanked this post.

  2. #8942
    INTP

    Y'know how sometimes people will do that annoying thing where they ignore a problem because they're scared to face it? Then the problem comes anyway and they have to face it, and it's so much worse because they ignored it for so long.

    I'm doing that now.

    I've said before on here about my plans to leave China, and how it'll mean leaving my girlfriend, breaking her heart, etc etc. Well now I'm 99% certain I'm going to leave. My visa ends in less than 3 months, and my brother is visiting here in December so I've decided it'll be easiest to just leave with him on the same flight. It's the 'perfect ending' - my brother visits, we have fun, my visa is pretty much over anyway, and then I leave China to begin a new and almost certainly better life back in the UK.

    It's pretty much all decided in my mind already.

    The problem is, I do not have the courage AT ALL to tell my girlfriend about this. Just yesterday she was jokingly commenting (again) about how she would never cope if I were to leave her.... Ugh, the torment is unreal. The one and only reason I'm not acting or implementing the steps required to actually begin leaving China, is because I'm genuinely afraid of how badly it's going to affect her.

    I already feel like a cunt because the thought of leaving doesn't upset me that much at all. Like it'll be sad, but not devastating. Clearly our relationship should never have been a thing in the first place - but how was I supposed to know that when things were just starting between us? We probably went into things too fast (this is an extremely common problem in Chinese relationships...).

    Also - some of you on here may remember - a couple of years ago I went through an extreme heart break. I'm now fearful of inflicting similar on someone else. So I'm being complacent about everything, even though I know I need to do something.

    So much stuff is weighing on my mind, and it's making me just want to completely ignore it in the hope that some miracle will solve things for me. But that's just childish fantasy.

    Well anyway, I know what I need to do. I need to tell her. This was just a rant into the void of the INTP Confessions thread.

  3. #8943
    INTP


    Quote Originally Posted by HAL View Post
    It's pretty much all decided in my mind already.

    The problem is, I do not have the courage AT ALL to tell my girlfriend about this.
    Yep. Tell her immediately. You know how you'd feel if you were all into someone and they were holding that back from you. Even if it was to spare you, it's being deceitful and you know it.

    But it sounds like you were just getting your head around the need to do this here, and muster that needed courage, so carry on. Here's one way: better to be an honest bastard than a shady nice guy. Every time. Maybe the fear of being that shady nice guy will override the fear of being the honest bastard. Especially since you've been on the receiving end of that. (Wasn't the past thing something shady?) Anyway, that's how it would work for me...good luck and safe travels.
    Convex, Marvin the Dendroid and HAL thanked this post.

  4. #8944
    INTP

    Quote Originally Posted by Eryngo View Post
    Yep. Tell her immediately. You know how you'd feel if you were all into someone and they were holding that back from you. Even if it was to spare you, it's being deceitful and you know it.

    But it sounds like you were just getting your head around the need to do this here, and muster that needed courage, so carry on. Here's one way: better to be an honest bastard than a shady nice guy. Every time. Maybe the fear of being that shady nice guy will override the fear of being the honest bastard. Especially since you've been on the receiving end of that. (Wasn't the past thing something shady?) Anyway, that's how it would work for me...good luck and safe travels.
    Yeah that past thing was definitely a case of shady nice girl.

    In my defence, I'm not doing anything as sinister as secretly seeing other people, and my mindset is still very 'monogamous' even while I have a part of me saying "leave". I have nothing against our relationship or the way things are between us as people. It just isn't right for a whole plethora of reasons.

    Anyway, I could waffle on forever about the situation. I need to act....
    Eryngo thanked this post.

  5. #8945

    Quote Originally Posted by HAL View Post
    Y'know how sometimes people will do that annoying thing where they ignore a problem because they're scared to face it? Then the problem comes anyway and they have to face it, and it's so much worse because they ignored it for so long.

    I'm doing that now.

    I've said before on here about my plans to leave China, and how it'll mean leaving my girlfriend, breaking her heart, etc etc. Well now I'm 99% certain I'm going to leave. My visa ends in less than 3 months, and my brother is visiting here in December so I've decided it'll be easiest to just leave with him on the same flight. It's the 'perfect ending' - my brother visits, we have fun, my visa is pretty much over anyway, and then I leave China to begin a new and almost certainly better life back in the UK.

    It's pretty much all decided in my mind already.

    The problem is, I do not have the courage AT ALL to tell my girlfriend about this. Just yesterday she was jokingly commenting (again) about how she would never cope if I were to leave her.... Ugh, the torment is unreal. The one and only reason I'm not acting or implementing the steps required to actually begin leaving China, is because I'm genuinely afraid of how badly it's going to affect her.

    I already feel like a cunt because the thought of leaving doesn't upset me that much at all. Like it'll be sad, but not devastating. Clearly our relationship should never have been a thing in the first place - but how was I supposed to know that when things were just starting between us? We probably went into things too fast (this is an extremely common problem in Chinese relationships...).

    Also - some of you on here may remember - a couple of years ago I went through an extreme heart break. I'm now fearful of inflicting similar on someone else. So I'm being complacent about everything, even though I know I need to do something.

    So much stuff is weighing on my mind, and it's making me just want to completely ignore it in the hope that some miracle will solve things for me. But that's just childish fantasy.

    Well anyway, I know what I need to do. I need to tell her. This was just a rant into the void of the INTP Confessions thread.
    I do that with every problem, in socionics I think it might correspond with weak Se. The difficulty with dealing with things in the moment and the expectation that it will resolve itself over time (strong Ni)

    But yeah getting it out of the way might be a good idea.
    HAL thanked this post.

  6. #8946

    Seriously, fuck people with avoidant attachment styles.
    You're not stronger for "not needing" people, you're emotionally stunted and force others to essentially walk on eggshells/keep themselves in metaphorical straight jackets to avoid triggering your flight response.

    You're like the Zubats of the interpersonal relationship world, draining without giving anything back and dime a dozen to boot.
    Convex and HAL thanked this post.

  7. #8947
    INTP

    Quote Originally Posted by Necrofantasia View Post
    Seriously, fuck people with avoidant attachment styles.
    You're not stronger for "not needing" people, you're emotionally stunted and force others to essentially walk on eggshells/keep themselves in metaphorical straight jackets to avoid triggering your flight response.

    You're like the Zubats of the interpersonal relationship world, draining without giving anything back and dime a dozen to boot.
    I can't stand the "I don't need nobody" mentality.

    Those types of people tend to be the biggest abusers of human emotion. Their attitudes range from "I didn't choose to be born, I don't need to be grateful to anybody", to "If I hurt your feelings, that's your fault for not understanding what I did".

  8. #8948

    Quote Originally Posted by HAL View Post
    "If I hurt your feelings, that's your fault for not understanding what I did".
    ....followed by stonewalling when trying to further discuss it.

    I had this done to me, with a side of "You are responsible for your own feelings" and a mulish refusal to apologize. I can't help laughing when I remember how much it hurt because it really, really reeks of playground power games when you take the whole situation apart and look carefully. Took me like a year to figure it out.

    Another variant is essentially dudes that are scared of anything beyond casual flings and keep themselves busy with work/empty hedonism to smother out their own needs. They play it as them not needing people, I play it as them selling themselves short... If I wanted a sex toy , I could get a custom shaped, 3 speed vibrator without the psychological baggage for $30.

    It's all so fucking obvious now, I can't believe I once wished I was an avoidant.
    Err and HAL thanked this post.

  9. #8949

    I am not intp. I am not a crook.

  10. #8950
    INTP

    So I finally acted.

    Almost two weeks later than intended, I finally told my girlfriend that I intend to leave China.

    I tried building up the courage on so many occasions, but would always bottle it and tell myself, "It'll be easier to do it tomorrow".

    Then finally today I decided to send her a message about it on the way home from work. Yeah, I bottled it and couldn't say it to her face, so what. I genuinely think she might be an INTP too (one of the many reasons for me thinking things between us just aren't 'right'), so she was fine to deal with the whole thing by messages.

    I experienced a weird emotional unloading after I told her. I didn't even realise I was that sad about things. I couldn't even bare to look at my phone on the subway home because my eyes kept welling up with tears. I thought I'd be a lot more cold about things when the time came.

    Then I walked home and sat in a small park outside our apartment, chain smoked about 5 cigarettes and cried on and off, sometimes like a total child. Good thing it was dark.

    I still can't decide what I was most sad about. The end of a perfectly nice relationship with an excellent girlfriend which just didn't feel 'right' in some way? The fact that my entire China thing is coming to an end? The fact that I'm 31 and am the most broke, lowest paid and least successful out of everyone I know? Was I crying about all those things? Or something else? At the very least, all those things entered my thoughts while I was wallowing on that bench.

    It was like some kind of huge release of sadness in a whole lot of areas all at once. I didn't even realise I was sad! When I hinted to my friends about leaving China, it was said in good spirit and optimism, not sadness! I mean I wasn't truly happy about things, but I thought it was just one of those niggly "well this is a bit shit" situations where I'd find a way out and be hunky dory in a heartbeat. I guess I'd been letting everything fester for too long.

    I got home and we spoke marginally and awkwardly, but mostly just sat on the sofa with the TV on. I had silent tears rolling down my cheeks, and every time she talked it sounded like she might cry at any moment. She has now decided to sleep in the spare room; however we continued talking things through via messaging.

    She wants me to stay, but I told her I just can't. It isn't even just a relationship problem, it's a life problem, my life problem. I just can't stay here.

    It sucks, anyway, but at least the ball is now rolling.

    I always thought adults learned to cope better with these sorts of events as they repeat themselves in life, but I cried my fucking eyes out! I'm almost impressed with how much heart I still must have... even if it is an entirely selfish one, in the current circumstances.

    Ugh.
    GusWriter, Convex, NipNip and 2 others thanked this post.


     

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