[INTP] Male ESFJ - Female INTP

Male ESFJ - Female INTP

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This is a discussion on Male ESFJ - Female INTP within the INTP Forum - The Thinkers forums, part of the NT's Temperament Forum- The Intellects category; Hello everyone, My girlfriend of 2 plus years is an INTP and I, the ESFJ. We have had our ups ...

  1. #1
    INTP - The Thinkers

    Male ESFJ - Female INTP

    Hello everyone,

    My girlfriend of 2 plus years is an INTP and I, the ESFJ.
    We have had our ups and downs lately, mostly she has been saying that I am not connected to her and not in tune. It is highly important to me that I am indeed connected and in tune with her because, well, she's the love of my life.

    I need some insight on what makes a female INTP, or simply INTP in general, tick.
    We discuss ideas and concepts a lot and I love that. I personally love some of our differences and believe that they add some great things as to compared if I were with someone who was exactly like me. I don't want a relationship with "me". So, any clues?

    If this helps, we are both homebodies, love conversation on ideas and concepts, as mentioned above.
    It's just that I want to give her what she needs and yet not feel shortchanged at the same time nor be selfish about my own needs.

    Any help would be greatly appreciated.

    Thanks,
    SJ (Those are my initials, not anything to do with my type but I get the comedy of it)



  2. #2
    INTP - The Thinkers

    just speaking for myself, if I thought that someone (doesn't have to be a significant other but a friend) wasn't connected to or in tune with me, it would mean a fundamental thing. it's not something that can (or should) be put on, and it can't be learned. I would mean that we don't see the world the same way, we don't speak the same language, we don't value the same things, at least, not in the same way. hearing something like "but I love/enjoy/value our differences" would just result in me feeling even more alienated. I would be looking to feel some degree of commonality. I don't want to be some novel creature that is liked/loved because it is so different.

    (I should probably say that when I saw the title of this thread, my reaction was "NO WAY IN HELL.")

    (sorry to be so unhelpful. I seem to be addicted to posting unhelpful things in "ask the INTPs for relationship advice" threads. I think an intervention may be needed...)

  3. #3
    INTP - The Thinkers

    Well we don't see each other a lot and there isn't much communication between the times that we do spend together.
    I wasn't saying that I love being totally different. There are more commonalities than differences, trust me on that.
    Thank for the "help" anyways.

  4. #4
    INTP - The Thinkers

    Quote Originally Posted by SJ1974 View Post
    If this helps, we are both homebodies, love conversation on ideas and concepts, as mentioned above.
    It's just that I want to give her what she needs and yet not feel shortchanged at the same time nor be selfish about my own needs.
    Are you sure you are ESFJ?
    Sela, Ashitaria, Thrifty Walrus and 1 others thanked this post.

  5. #5
    INTP - The Thinkers

    Everytime I do the tests, the results are ESFJ but I'm pretty sure I was once an ISFJ. After two years of being with an INTP though, I have learned a lot, lol, and she we do influence each other. I seriously could not want a better partner in terms of her personality.

    I do like going out and I do have that "seller" quality but I think it's something I can switch on and off. the selling part I do for work but I do like to go out and socialize now and then.
    I also quite enjoy staying home too. I don't know if that is typical ESFJ stuff. I do get annoyed by people sometimes and I am the "quiet" one in my family. They are all extroverts and have asked for me years to get out of my shell. When I'm with my GF, I'm the talkative one. I'm not crazy about labels too though, they kind of put limits on what you can and can't be, in a way.

    See? Now I'm talking too much.

  6. #6
    INTP - The Thinkers

    (I already get the sense that we're not communicating very well! I will stop "helping"! )
    Dupree and Thrifty Walrus thanked this post.

  7. #7
    ISFP - The Artists

    I know some ESFJs and INTPs. It sounds like a difficult match, made possible through lots of compromise and openness. But I do know that ESFJs are no doubt homebodies. :) Congrats, you must be very balanced.

    I'm not an INTP, but my two cents is... the main contributor to the "disconnect" is the P/J difference. You're probably more traditional, and you probably have strong etiquette values and a long list of should/shouldn'ts. You're more people oriented. You're probably more opinionated on things that she doesn't have a strong opinion on. She probably values time alone to learn to understand whatever complex systems and the analyses of them -- which is something you might be interested in, but might find pointless. You like being productive, getting things done, being practical. She probably likes feeding her inner cravings to analyze and think, but actively does less.

    The way you organize and structure things might be challenging for her to slip into, making it more difficult for her to be completely herself when spending daily life with you. My advice is to just be completely accepting and to not push your own "should/should not" beliefs on her (or others even) too hard, because if there is one little fundamental difference in intrinsic viewpoints, she might want to drop the whole thing... Give her lots of space, and try not to be too demanding. You sound like an understanding guy, so shouldn't be too hard.

    The ESFJs I know were enneagram 2s though. If you're a diff enneagram, everything I said might be less relevant, dunno.
    Sela and Zinette thanked this post.

  8. #8
    INTP - The Thinkers

    Quote Originally Posted by pie View Post
    just speaking for myself, if I thought that someone (doesn't have to be a significant other but a friend) wasn't connected to or in tune with me, it would mean a fundamental thing. it's not something that can (or should) be put on, and it can't be learned. I would mean that we don't see the world the same way, we don't speak the same language, we don't value the same things, at least, not in the same way. hearing something like "but I love/enjoy/value our differences" would just result in me feeling even more alienated. I would be looking to feel some degree of commonality. I don't want to be some novel creature that is liked/loved because it is so different.

    (I should probably say that when I saw the title of this thread, my reaction was "NO WAY IN HELL.")

    (sorry to be so unhelpful. I seem to be addicted to posting unhelpful things in "ask the INTPs for relationship advice" threads. I think an intervention may be needed...)
    I think I kinda agree with this - idk if it can be helped. The ones I can say I feel connected to... I can really talk to them telepatically sometimes, to the point of mixing my emotions and theirs, or having to ask "were you thinking this at that time this morning?". With others, I just don't get that type of relationship... if that is what she is talking about, I really don't think it can be helped, since I've tried and failed.

    Since you say you two have compatibility in terms of speech, talking, ideas, mind, I believe she might be refering to something either spiritual like that, or physical, who knows? I guess you can evaluate that better than us.

  9. #9
    INTP - The Thinkers

    What the above said. That said, you are probably the most healthiest ESFJ I have ever met. All other ESFJs that I have met in RL and on the internet have installed in me a great sense of contempt against them. In fact, 99% of ESFJs I have met have one way or another broke my day. And to top it off, my mother is an ISFJ who has the most ignorant and traditional world-view on Earth. I know that it's a big bias, but this is a bias that has been reinforced again and again and again. After all, ESFJs are the most common type out there.

    I mean, are you really sure you are an ESFJ? You certainly don't seem like it, or perhaps you are unconsciously following the examples of tonnes of ESFJs out there in the world without truly reflecting on the relationship with your INTP- and believe me, such derision is common in INTP-ESFJ relationships.

    I might seem really mean, but I'm pretty sure I'm just stating what all the other INTPs are thinking.

    ESFJ-INTP...oh the horror!
    cam3llia thanked this post.

  10. #10
    INTP - The Thinkers

    <delete this please>
    Last edited by Ashitaria; 10-22-2010 at 11:21 PM. Reason: Double post...sorry.


     
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