It’s an odd sort of duality, I do my best to arm myself yet at the back of my mind I feel as if I’ve already lost. Like a zombie, I go through the motions and even when I succeed, it does not feel as if the victory was mine. Too many parameters outside of my control, if I succeeded the winds must have been blowing in my favour.
I have tried to escape this defeatist attitude, but my desire to grasp the entirety of the system in which I am playing always forces me to admit defeat. I can’t be rid of this pointless dance.
Oh and I don’t personally end up blaming others(although I can certainly see how it might look that way given my previous description), I blame my own inadequacy in strategising my success.
I accept human nature for what it is, and thus what it gives birth to, I just reject myself for not being able to exploit the fact that I’m aware of its existence. I would still say I have an external locus of control, but fart into the thunderstorm to pass the time.