[INTP] Dating for the INTP

Dating for the INTP

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This is a discussion on Dating for the INTP within the INTP Forum - The Thinkers forums, part of the NT's Temperament Forum- The Intellects category; I'm 21 years old and have never had a girlfriend. The whole dating world is both confusing and scary to ...

  1. #1
    INTP - The Thinkers

    Dating for the INTP

    I'm 21 years old and have never had a girlfriend. The whole dating world is both confusing and scary to me. I just don't know how to get started, to be honest. I have absolutely no 'romantic' experience, which I'm now finding is quite common among INTPs, so it's nice to know I'm not exactly alone. I don't really know the "stages" of dating or anything like that. Maybe I'm just over rationalizing everything.

    I live in a rural area, and it takes 30+ minutes to get into "town," so I rarely leave the house unless I have something to accomplish or an activity already planned. Because of that, I decided to give online dating a try. I try to strike up a conversation but usually I don't get a response back, or they quit replying, so I don't know if I'm doing something wrong or what. I am always courteous and tactful.

    The usual "Dating advice" columns with their "alpha-male" advice is asinine drivel sold to typical jerks looking to get some action instead of a relationship. So, I'd like to hear some of your good advice on dating, relationships, and all that good stuff.
    darude11, Minerva1, Psychophlegmatic and 2 others thanked this post.



  2. #2
    INTP - The Thinkers

    I am the very last person to offer advice on this topic, but I can offer membership to the lonely male INTP club. You can help out with choosing a better name for the group, and if you enjoy building things we could make it a hackerspace. Stay in touch.

  3. #3

    Well, I'm 19 and I have my first boyfriend and my relationship really isnt what most would call "typical" so dont worry. As for advice, it varies from person to person. I'm not quite sure if advice for female INTPs would be the same as male INTPs either.

    The biggest thing is to be yourself though. This is probably the most fundamental part of every relationship and it is overly-advised beyond belief, but to be honest, it is the most valuable piece of advice you'll ever get - in both romance and life in general. If you're looking for advice in finding someone as opposed to staying in a relationship, for starters, you need someone that you can feel comfortable talking to; my boyfriend isn't the most attractive fellow, but I'm willing to sacrifice looks for a good head and a big heart.

    If youre looking to meet people, I'd say that unless you've been gaga over someone for a while, let people come to you. Try not to fret about it too much and dont come off too earnest. Just try to relax and put on a smile and eventually everyone will warm up to someone who has a decent disposition. Even if you have to fake it for a little while (seems contrary, I know, but you wanna give off the vibe that youre a pleasant person)

    Dunno if I helped much but... yeah
    Night & Day and Aquamarine thanked this post.

  4. #4
    INTJ - The Scientists

    I advise to quit online dating. Unfortunately, it is usually being used as sexual emergency or the last resort for desperate people. Not everyone there is like that, but definitely the majority, from what I've seen. Not a good idea.

    You INTP guys should get outside more and be less shy I'm searching for someone Your type but Your kind is nowhere to be found. The same goes for INTJs but I'll go and find an opportunity to rant about them in the INTJ subforum
    BenJammin thanked this post.

  5. #5
    INTP - The Thinkers



    I like this picture, it says that:
    1. You have to make yourself available. People have to be able to see you and get the opportunity to know you. Internet dating is one way. Going to parties and talking to people etc is another.
    2. Chemistry is the most important thing. By making yourself available, people will come into your life, but only the one's you have good chemistry with will feel like a potentially worthwhile project. In a way, dating "happens" on its own naturally if there's good chemistry.

    I've also found that it's very true what people sometimes say: when you least expect it, someone special will come into your life as if by magic. Or, you can walk by someone at work and say "hi" courteously to one another for months, and then somehow end up dating.
    Promethea, Night & Day, tiptaptoe and 2 others thanked this post.

  6. #6
    INFP - The Idealists

    Quote Originally Posted by Technik View Post

    I live in a rural area, and it takes 30+ minutes to get into "town,".
    It's official. We live in the same place.

    Apart from that, I've found that an INTP personality works in my favour in recent weeks (although the fact I'm a female INTP may be a difference, as it's a less expected personality type of females).
    When I'm talking to someone I like, I switch on the Ne, and pretend to pretend to myself I'm an ENTP. Simple things like that give me a bit of a confidence boost. If your mind starts analysing too much, stop it from doing so at all costs.
    It's all a state of mind.
    Empecinado, Epimer, Curiously and 17 others thanked this post.

  7. #7
    ENTP - The Visionaries

    You'll probably be disappointed with online dating because the algorhythms may make it difficult to find someone in a reasonable distance, especially if you start having particular desires ( be it nonsmoker, wants children, willing to put out after three dates...), but I say it's worth a try because you at least know that the other person wants a date, which gets you over the whole asking out/will she be annoyed if I ask thing.

    As to online homework on the topic, I recommend OK Trends. There's a lot of data there to go over, and it's not particularly judgmental.

    As to the dating itself, since you mentioned the stages, I think I should give a partial defense to "the rules" as they call them. On one hand, the idea that when who calls who, or when you're supposed to initiate each physically intimate act is completely arbitrary and kind of stupid; on the other hand, it provides certain guidelines of expected behavior, and can help a person get over themselves by rationalizing 'this is an acceptable and expected thing.'

  8. #8
    INTP - The Thinkers

    Find yourself a real life girl to obsess over and you'll have done better than half the boys in here! Meeting girls and dating should develop in your life at the pace you feel comfortable with, which goes hand in hand with self-confidence - just make the effort to get out there are make some friends. Friends are a great way to meet nice girls.
    nadjasix thanked this post.

  9. #9
    INTP - The Thinkers

    Quote Originally Posted by TrailMix View Post
    The biggest thing is to be yourself though.
    +
    Quote Originally Posted by Zorgh View Post
    Chemistry is the most important thing. By making yourself available, people will come into your life, but only the one's you have good chemistry with will feel like a potentially worthwhile project. In a way, dating "happens" on its own naturally if there's good chemistry.
    =
    my IRL experience with more-than-platonic relationships.

    Fun fact? I never got into either (yes, just two - but the first ended on a good note and the newer one is still going strong) by "dating" in the traditional sense, i.e. interacting with the express intent of determining romantic compatibility. Chalk it up to inferior Fe, but as soon as I so much as imagine myself on a date, I instantly go into "how i social norms???" analysis-paralysis (that whole pondering-the-"stages"-of-dating and over-rationalizing thing you were talking about, OP? been there done that) and desperately try to be everything EXCEPT myself. I can only be myself when my guard is down, and my guard is only down around good friends. I just got lucky in that a few of these good friends ended up developing not-so-platonic feelings for me, and I for them. The nice thing about this whole natural-chemistry-when-you're-being-yourself thing is that you can be sure they like you even when you're not bending over backwards to match their personal preferences - and INTPs are definitely not the sort to enjoy going out of their way to please other people at the expense of their own natural idiosyncrasies.

    The whole friends-first thing may not be how it plays out for you, and I definitely wouldn't advise you to try only that route, but I'm so wholeheartedly in agreement with the above-quoted advice from TrailMix and Zorgh that I couldn't resist supplying some admittedly anecdotal evidence to back up their suggestions.

  10. #10
    ENTP - The Visionaries

    I'm 18 and I can completely relate. I have been in some dating scenarios...but I bombed it. My advice: For all that is good and holy, do not try to force it with a girl. No amount of textbooks, materials, or psychology can help you. Let relationships happen, do not be looking for them too hard, and take an active role as the man. Be more aggressive. For some reason, that helps.


     
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