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This is a discussion on Q&A about dating INTPs, and INTP dating: within the INTP Forum - The Thinkers forums, part of the NT's Temperament Forum- The Intellects category; Originally Posted by Juggernaut I'm wondering if any INTP "rationalizes" relationships and friendships as I do. You're definitely not alone ...

  1. #1001
    INTP - The Thinkers

    Quote Originally Posted by Juggernaut View Post
    I'm wondering if any INTP "rationalizes" relationships and friendships as I do.
    You're definitely not alone in doing things that way, and the strategy isn't incompatible with forming meaningful close bonds, luckily~
    Juggernaut thanked this post.

  2. #1002
    INFP - The Idealists

    Quote Originally Posted by Boowells View Post
    To be honest, I think he probably wanted to try dating you, but he couldn't do it for a variety of reasons, whether it be just for the preservation of the friendship, which he might've believed could be ruined (and trust me, it does happen, from my experience), just plain fear, maybe he tried hinting at it futilely in a poor attempt to gauge your response, or some other reason. He definitely cannot just instantly turn his feelings off like a light switch, because it takes time to get over everything. Few human beings can, although INTPs definitely have an advantage in this field, in my opinion. You probably didn't even realize something was bothering him over the course of getting over his feelings.

    Now onto the solution: I honestly don't think that leaving the friendship outside of maybe a week or two to cool off and get your head straight is the best idea. He will be hurt when you leave his company, whether he turned off his romantic feelings for you or not. Unless you've gotten on his blacklist, he still has friendly feelings toward you, certainly (hopefully?). That said, staying away from him for about a week to a month will do you good. For me, actual crying does a lot of good, and while I don't cry in public, it does retain some chemical benefits.

    For future prevention: Graficcha's advice will become more pertinent when you actually try to date more people. Whenever you ask someone out and are rejected, it becomes that much easier to get over. Since it is a sociological phenomenon that women are usually approached by men, it might be a bit harder on you for some time when rejected, possibly a bit uncomfortable just approaching people. It differs for everybody, but usually it becomes much easier to get over rejection with the more rejection you have. I don't know how many people you've asked out/been rejected by before, but I'd suggest trying to date and approach other people more.



    Also, this feels like a threat. Definitely a no. This raises all my hackles. All of them.

    ALTHOUGH, of course, he could be just an asshole/I-could-be-wrong/something something something else. Still, my future prevention method stands. Soon, you, too, can flick your emotions on and off like a light bulb (I guess. I still don't believe that really anyone can to a great extent.)
    Update: I apologized to him and said I couldn't hold it against him. I kind of continue to use him as a sounding board for my thoughts per our usual relationship but nothing else has changed. I have no fantasies about me and him. I'm just trying to move forward and am getting to know new people. I feel better having him in my life even just as a friend. Not sure how healthy that is :-/

  3. #1003
    INTP - The Thinkers

    Ok so I'm having a trouble over here.

    First off I go to an all boys school. Yeah, I know there are some major cons from that. >_>
    I realize the importance of having many female friends, or at least getting to know females. I'm aiming at getting used to it because I've been in in a boys school right from grade 6 all the way till... well grade 11's almost over, so yeah. There ARE times when I get nervous but I realize I could probably make small talk if they were interested in talking. I can talk with my sister's friends since I've known them since childhood but someone new is a tough one.

    So today as I was waiting to pick up my sister from school(she comes out of school 45 min after I do) I just kept looking at the girls of my age coming out of school and I was thinking to myself "I need to get over this sometime but how am I supposed to strike a convo just like that? I don't want to come across as flirt/creep but I still need to initiate a convo. Somehow."

    So any other ways I could get over this? This isn't really about dating but more about getting used to talking to the opposite sex.

    EDIT: And ftr I do know that girls are humans too I hope I don't get any comment like that. I mostly view things equally so no worries. Just you know, worried in case my post gives some sort of sexist vibe O_O

  4. #1004
    INTP - The Thinkers

    Quote Originally Posted by bluedoom View Post
    Ok so I'm having a trouble over here.

    First off I go to an all boys school. Yeah, I know there are some major cons from that. >_>
    I realize the importance of having many female friends, or at least getting to know females. I'm aiming at getting used to it because I've been in in a boys school right from grade 6 all the way till... well grade 11's almost over, so yeah. There ARE times when I get nervous but I realize I could probably make small talk if they were interested in talking. I can talk with my sister's friends since I've known them since childhood but someone new is a tough one.

    So today as I was waiting to pick up my sister from school(she comes out of school 45 min after I do) I just kept looking at the girls of my age coming out of school and I was thinking to myself "I need to get over this sometime but how am I supposed to strike a convo just like that? I don't want to come across as flirt/creep but I still need to initiate a convo. Somehow."

    So any other ways I could get over this? This isn't really about dating but more about getting used to talking to the opposite sex.

    EDIT: And ftr I do know that girls are humans too I hope I don't get any comment like that. I mostly view things equally so no worries. Just you know, worried in case my post gives some sort of sexist vibe O_O
    I was indeed going to say 'girls are just people, too', just to point out there's really not much to worry about, but don't worry, you just sound awkward with a lack of direct personal experience, not sexist.

    Have you talked to 'female specimens' online? If you want to experience for yourself what at least *some* girls are like, why not dump yourself into a conversation and just talk, do whatever. Ask them for advice, get second, third, fourth opinion, you might quickly figure out there's really not that many rules besides 'don't be an asshole' xD

    If you can talk to guyfriends, you can talk to females as well. The only difference is that you'll have an increased chance that at some point you might want to make a few things a little more explicit, such as when you end up interested in someone or if you want to point out you're really just wanting to talk. Usually people appreciate open, honest communication, don't be afraid to just say things as they are xD

    Though if you go ahead and tell them you're looking for a bit of exercise with social skills - the ladies chapter because you come from an all-dudes school, I wager you might get a few giggles or awwwws, and a whole lot of feedback xD
    There are worse things, I guess?

  5. #1005

    Quote Originally Posted by bluedoom View Post
    Ok so I'm having a trouble over here.

    First off I go to an all boys school. Yeah, I know there are some major cons from that. >_>
    I realize the importance of having many female friends, or at least getting to know females. I'm aiming at getting used to it because I've been in in a boys school right from grade 6 all the way till... well grade 11's almost over, so yeah. There ARE times when I get nervous but I realize I could probably make small talk if they were interested in talking. I can talk with my sister's friends since I've known them since childhood but someone new is a tough one.

    So today as I was waiting to pick up my sister from school(she comes out of school 45 min after I do) I just kept looking at the girls of my age coming out of school and I was thinking to myself "I need to get over this sometime but how am I supposed to strike a convo just like that? I don't want to come across as flirt/creep but I still need to initiate a convo. Somehow."

    So any other ways I could get over this? This isn't really about dating but more about getting used to talking to the opposite sex.

    EDIT: And ftr I do know that girls are humans too I hope I don't get any comment like that. I mostly view things equally so no worries. Just you know, worried in case my post gives some sort of sexist vibe O_O
    If I was in an all boys school I think I'd have dropped out of HS.
    Seriously, seeing girls were the only reason I got motivated to go to school somedays.
    Aside from feeling bad for your position I guess I'll offer some advice.

    Talk to them like you know them well, be comfortable. Greet them like you've met a long lost friend.
    Smile and repeat what they say to show you're listening to them. "Oh medicine? That's a pretty interesting field - how did you become interested in that?"
    Ask them questions about themselves, since you're in high school college questions/how's high school is a good place to start.
    When you say bye, say something like well it was nice to talk to you - I hope -> (something related to what they talked about) works out for you. And hey let me give you my number so you can give me a call sometime.

    I just simply tell girls: Hey let me get your number. If I want to get a girl's number who I've had a nice conversation with it works all the time. I mean why wouldn't it? You thought they were cool you'll likely never see them again if you have no place you'd see them again. It's just logical they'd give you their number.

    Seriously works pretty well. Notice the language is pretty confident and that's the way you have to approach it. Non-nonchalant, expected, not worried about the response. You have to imagine it'd be weird to get turned down...because it would be right?

    Oh yeah I just realized that when I ask girls for their number I'll start looking for my phone or already have my phone out showing them. I've done that automatically but I assume it's associated with my high success rate. I really don't get why they'd say no if I decide to ask for it, because of the vibe that we got along well.

    Oh yeah and in case you were wondering, just text them the next day with something related to what you talked about the day before. Don't delay texting them lol. I don't usually call cause I'm not a big phone guy. If you're a phone guy I'd still text them and ask when they're free to chat. Or better yet you can be like "I'm kinda busy but I am free (day or two later) we should chat if you have some time".

    My tone of voice is the same sort of tone I'd have with a good friend or family member.
    If you have a questioning tone you'll get rejected, you seem nervous and unconfident and perhaps they question your motives as a result. After all if you just want to continue the conversation what's the big deal?

    I think it helped me at first to imagine I was just talking about something we were getting tested on in school. Just conversational, slightly excitable: Ex - Ugh I can't believe they're going to test us on the entire chapter.

    Notice my use of "us", "we", "you", "your", etc. That's friendly language ;)
    Ista thanked this post.

  6. #1006
    INTP - The Thinkers

    (she said it made her look fat, and I said something like "Well, don't wear it, then.")
    Fucking YES! Brightened my day.

  7. #1007
    INTP - The Thinkers

    @Graficcha :

    Well I you know, lurked on the Sex and Relationship forums so I guess I'm wary after looking into the "I'm sick of people putting women on pedestals" thread? Dunno I don't try to portray anything like that. xD

    Yeah I have talked to 'female specimens' online(haha yeah its fun to call it that) and I don't consider it practice although I guess insight is always nice to have? I'm generally paranoid about coming off as a creep or a flirt really. And kinda paranoid about developing feelings later on if I DO make female friends. xD Its cool though, I'm a straightforward person in any case.

    And yeah, there are worse things lol. ^_^
    @NT the DC :

    Asking questions about themselves is a no-brainer for me- I do that with anyone I talk ftr. More like "I need to know said person better before talking about other topics." I'm not sure if that's a questioning tone or anything, I just can't get convos started otherwise. I'm also not much of a phone guy but I guess having something to do with a phone for the change is worth a shot. xD

    Well I've had a friend who I never spoke to for a long time so when we did talk on phone she said I'm not as 'nervous as I was when we were in the same school' and that was a long time ago(7 yrs or something). So apparently I'm more confident now? Maybe its my paranoia more than anything?

  8. #1008

    Quote Originally Posted by bluedoom View Post
    @NT the DC:

    Asking questions about themselves is a no-brainer for me- I do that with anyone I talk ftr. More like "I need to know said person better before talking about other topics." I'm not sure if that's a questioning tone or anything, I just can't get convos started otherwise. I'm also not much of a phone guy but I guess having something to do with a phone for the change is worth a shot. xD

    Well I've had a friend who I never spoke to for a long time so when we did talk on phone she said I'm not as 'nervous as I was when we were in the same school' and that was a long time ago(7 yrs or something). So apparently I'm more confident now? Maybe its my paranoia more than anything?
    Well that's the thing.. you talk to the people that you actually talk to by asking them questions. But you don't talk to people you don't know, hence you don't ask them about themselves because you don't talk to them lol.

    Your question seemed to be how do you ask people questions about themselves if you don't know them.
    Be interested in them, ask them questions about themselves. The same sort of thing you do with friends or friends of friends. If you have problems approaching them find something you like about them and compliment them on it. Think about someone who displays something you resonate with - for example they have a shirt from your favorite cartoon. And you instantly think they're pretty cool cause you like the same obscure cartoon.

    You may even make a compliment like: hey that's a pretty sweet shirt, I love that show. - conversation starts..."How long have you watched it? I like so and so in the show, etc." the ice is broken you can flow from there.

    Look for aspects of clothing that say something about the person.
    Basketball shoes? Minimus trail shoes? Dress shoes? Each says a different thing about them.
    For example: Oh I dig your minimus shoes I have some myself, do you know of any great hiking trails in the area? - ice breaker. They're so comfortable I like wearing them everywhere if I can get away with it. Etc.

    Also if you can't find an easy thing to bring up about their presentation look at the environment. If you're at school that's why I said it's easy to say something like "So how is so and so school? I have a sister that goes there and she said it sucks".. ask your sister things about the school that makes it seem like you're somewhat familiar with it. I know so and so (your sisters friends) do you know them?

    Chicks always say stuff like you're not as nervous as you were before, I've found it's because they liked you.
    But really it's because they want you to make comments about them. In that situation she probably wanted you to say, "Oh well yeah I was more nervous then, but you're a lot different now you were so and so in school. How do you think you've changed since 7 years ago?"

    That's how you avoid talking about yourself.
    Oh yeah and make jokes at your expense, people like that because it seems like you're confident if done right.

    Ex: Minimus trail shoe person: Yeah you look like you can handle that kind of trail that sounds level 10 of 10 to me. I'd probably have to start rolling halfway through while you were still running like a gazelle. (Note I am in shape so it's obvious I can hang, yet they dig that I compliment them and I am not afraid to laugh at myself)

  9. #1009
    INTP - The Thinkers

    Quote Originally Posted by Du_bist_ein_knoedel_brot View Post
    Well, I can say from an INFPs standpoint (I'm dating an INTP). We fall deeply in love when we do. We have the tendancy to put our partners on a pedastool and would do just about anything for them. Sometimes this happens rather quickly, and may seem a bit odd to the other person.
    Thanks! He's said some rather similar things about himself, so I think I'm on the right track with my INFP assumptions. Well...even more than I did before, because he's pretty overwhelmingly INFP-ish.

    To be perfectly honest, I'm terrified of the "putting someone on a pedestal" kind of love. I experienced this in a long (and, to be fair, lovely) relationship with an ENFJ. He thought I was absolutely perfect to the point where I ended up feeling pressured and restricted and...like he didn't really know me. His perfect vision of me was so far from the truth that I thought our relationship couldn't help but snap when the truth inevitably cut in. (And so I distanced myself and ran away, which is another story, but hey I was 17 and I know not to treat people that way anymore. I hope.)

    I hope this question doesn't sound disrespectful...but do you find that this deep love lasts at all? Do you find it blinds you to the other person's faults for a while, but then things change?

    For the record, my INFP doesn't make me feel as overwhelmed as my ex did. He readily acknowledges that I have flaws and that there are some things I do that he doesn't like (being too worried about stepping on other people's toes to make decisions is number one), but he says he wouldn't change anything about me. So it's easier to believe that he "knows" me in a way that will last. But sometimes it seems impossible that one could direct such intense emotion toward the same person for very long. Which I suppose is a hypocritical thing for me to say, since I have intense feelings for him and the sense that I will for a very long time.

    I'm not sure my INTP boyfriend understands why I love him, or even how much I do. I sometimes wonder why he likes me as well. I think both types (since they are very similar) understand eachothers quirks and special traits, the traits we don't think much of because they usually go unnoticed by others.
    I think you're right about that! He mentioned to me that some people find him off-putting because he's...well, introverted and can't always find ways to make conversation, but I'm so astronomically bad at social interaction that I never noticed that he was a lesser degree of "socially awkward" until he pointed it out. Honestly, people shouldn't even complain about being awkward in front of me; it's practically my middle name. But anyway, since I don't pick up on things like that, I always saw him as incredibly charming. And I love the way his mind works. It's a lot like mine.
    Graficcha thanked this post.

  10. #1010
    INTP - The Thinkers

    Nearly every girl I've pursued has been ESFJ or ESTJ. Weird?


     
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