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This is a discussion on Q&A about dating INTPs, and INTP dating: within the INTP Forum - The Thinkers forums, part of the NT's Temperament Forum- The Intellects category; ugh. here again. always in moments of internal crisis. I hate myself already for my rambling. Sorry for the novel ...

  1. #1011
    INTP - The Thinkers


    ugh. here again. always in moments of internal crisis. I hate myself already for my rambling. Sorry for the novel I am about to write all over this thread.

    Not only is my boyfriend an INTP, but he is an upperclass British INTP. The british upperclass alone have their own language, which, from what I have gathered over the years, consists of underestimating everything (when something is absolutley fantastic=not bad. when you're violently sick and vomiting your insides out=feeling a bit under the weather) and generally not showing emotion, save maybe elation, esp for the men. Seeing as he is proud of and adheres to his british background, its a double threat combined with being an INTP. The lack of extroverted feeling/showing emotion.

    And I am sort of an idiot when it comes to relationships myself. Oh, and I am an INFP. That part about approaching everything with Fi first makes me trust NOTHING I think about relationships, because I always doubt how much logic really went into that thought.

    Is there some concrete sign that an INTP loves you? I think in most situations one would say, "If you have to ask, it's probably a no" but for this particular case, aka my boyfriend, I really do. The way he treats all of his relationships, close friends and family, is to expect he can call and hang out when it comes to mind and when he has finished whatever project he's doing. They may go weeks or months without hearing from him, then he'll pick up the phone and say, "hey, lets go to lunch". They go to lunch, its great, then they won't hear again from him until....? Whenever it strikes him to call again or he needs something from them. Text messages have a low chance of being responded to, and definitley not in a timely fashion.

    So, I give him credit for making the effort to call me once a week, pretty regularly. I don't think anyone else, not even his parents, can expect to hear from him that often, and knowing how chaotic he is, it does deserve mention. Ha, though he probably thinks I don't notice he always calls 30 min before dinner or very late at night before bed as a means to easily end the call.

    When I go to visit, he always plans a wonderful stay, takes me to nice places, plans get togethers with friends (yes...planning, I find that also to be mention worthy for someone who's philosophy is if you leave it to the last minute it only takes a minute), and I always have a great time. As soon as I go back to my country however, it's always a question what the time inbetween visits will be like. Sometimes he's in a romantic mood and will call every other day and send me music/sheet music etc. though this is the more rare situation. More often than not it will be 4 weeks of one prescribed 30 min phone call per week, and the couple of txts I send go ignored 50% of the time. It really is as though it is how the moon strikes him that particular week.

    So I am left feeling confused in those intermitant periods of zero affection, then I see him, going in with the expectation he will be somehow distant to me in person as well, but it simply depends. Somedays he is flirtatious and cuddly, others a robot. Makes me think of The Prestige...as though he has an identical twin which sometimes takes his place.

    I don't know if I am being used, which is what I fear, because I am so very leniant to his personality. I think most girls wouldn't put up with it, definitley for not as long as I have. I do it because I love him and he is a fantastic, talented, good hearted person who I love being with. But as I said, this feeling of confusion, not knowing if he truly cares about me or if I am just a girlfriend he has found that he must put minimal effort into and still gets to have sex with, is causing me great anxiety. I think his character is much better than that, I have a hard time believeing he would do that, but, still, nonetheless, the thought crosses my mind, since he is young.

    I have expressed these feelings to him before, he normally panics and says he's an idiot and will try harder, and he does for about a week, then everything goes back to how it is. I don't care really, honestly, how often he calls. I'm just not used to, or rather, this system of compartmentalising love into a certain order, "Ok. Call girlfriend, check. Now do this...." and being able to set it aside completley when involved with something else is....very foreign to me and hard to grasp. So I just need to be reassured it is possible for someone (namely INTP types) to love you and act that way (or... reassured it's not.)
    Graficcha thanked this post.

  2. #1012
    INTP - The Thinkers

    Quote Originally Posted by Du_bist_ein_knoedel_brot View Post
    stuff
    Questions: just how far apart do you live? What's his occupation atm actually? Yours? Do you use IM media to communicate? Does he? Do you both? If no, why not? If no, START DOING IT.

    Talk more, just talk, whenever possible, take it all into writing, when you're apart-together, it *works wonders*. He won't have to emote, he can ponder over his words, he might feel more expressive when he has the time, you can speak freely. I've had little trouble that way speaking about very feelsy issues and topics with my INTP-foxy. We're a longdistance thing (Belgium-California), but we talk every single day pretty much. Little pinches of 'hi hey everthing ok, I did this thing today, found a funny story, been thinking of this and that, have a nice day just pretend I'm in your pocket' that keeps the presence up.

    If he wants to try and communicate more, make it easy for him. If he has access to a computer you can write e-mails, go via gtalk, mobile IM, anything you can think of. Leave him some thoughts, ponderings, things you find funny... Ask him to tell you when the contact becomes too voerwhelming, and if it does you might chunk it up, like these daily/weekly phonecalls where you discuss what's been going on over a longer timespan.

    Give him a hand in 'involving himself' in you, and letting you get involved in his life. Bit by bit. You can even discuss these topics with him in writing/typing. I think he might find it easier to talk about that way.

  3. #1013
    INTP - The Thinkers


    Quote Originally Posted by Graficcha View Post
    Questions: just how far apart do you live? What's his occupation atm actually? Yours? Do you use IM media to communicate? Does he? Do you both? If no, why not? If no, START DOING IT.

    .
    Writing. We used to skype chat a lot, before he entered the army. I used to send him emails. But I have stopped because my feelings were getting far too hurt when he never responded. I think the last email he responded to was a few months ago.

    The army has much to do with it, it has been a busy year for him which is also why I gave him a lot of space. But, at what point should I be disappointed in the lack of communication?

    The distance is UK-Germany, so not so great.

    I just don't know. I agree to communicate more would be best but, I don't handle being ignored too well. It puts me off. So maybe on part its my fault for communicating less. I still do try, but not as often because, as I have said, its more likely I won't be responded to.

  4. #1014
    INTP - The Thinkers

    Quote Originally Posted by Du_bist_ein_knoedel_brot View Post
    Writing. We used to skype chat a lot, before he entered the army. I used to send him emails. But I have stopped because my feelings were getting far too hurt when he never responded. I think the last email he responded to was a few months ago.

    The army has much to do with it, it has been a busy year for him which is also why I gave him a lot of space. But, at what point should I be disappointed in the lack of communication?

    The distance is UK-Germany, so not so great.

    I just don't know. I agree to communicate more would be best but, I don't handle being ignored too well. It puts me off. So maybe on part its my fault for communicating less. I still do try, but not as often because, as I have said, its more likely I won't be responded to.
    I can't say I have experience with army stuff, but I think he's limited because he's really just busy and hasn't much access to the conventional means. I'd perhaps advise to just stick it out until he's back home, yes? I can't imagine it's easy for him to retain a connection like that either, when you need to kickstart it every time all over again.

    Keep communicating, but I'd just be patient and wait until he comes back to see where you stand.

  5. #1015
    INTP - The Thinkers


    Quote Originally Posted by Graficcha View Post
    I can't say I have experience with army stuff, but I think he's limited because he's really just busy and hasn't much access to the conventional means. I'd perhaps advise to just stick it out until he's back home, yes? I can't imagine it's easy for him to retain a connection like that either, when you need to kickstart it every time all over again.

    Keep communicating, but I'd just be patient and wait until he comes back to see where you stand.
    He is moving this weekend actually, and we will only be an hour apart by car, so I am interested to see how that changes things.

    My question though is, as I asked before, as an INTP are you able to have no communication with someone who care for, like an on and off switch, when they are not around? Is this something that sounds peculiar or normal for a young INTP man? Is there any sure"test" to see if he genuinely cares?

  6. #1016
    INTP - The Thinkers

    Quote Originally Posted by Du_bist_ein_knoedel_brot View Post
    He is moving this weekend actually, and we will only be an hour apart by car, so I am interested to see how that changes things.

    My question though is, as I asked before, as an INTP are you able to have no communication with someone who care for, like an on and off switch, when they are not around? Is this something that sounds peculiar or normal for a young INTP man? Is there any sure"test" to see if he genuinely cares?
    See how it develops, I can't say the army sounds like a typical INTP place to hang out in as it is. Personally I like to stay in close contact with my friends, at least online.

    Anyone else any input on this?

  7. #1017

    Quote Originally Posted by Du_bist_ein_knoedel_brot View Post
    My question though is, as I asked before, as an INTP are you able to have no communication with someone who care for, like an on and off switch, when they are not around? Is this something that sounds peculiar or normal for a young INTP man? Is there any sure"test" to see if he genuinely cares?
    There is a cultural difference, with the Brit uppercrust thing you've described, so I can't tell you that for sure.

    I will just tell you that, for me, I can be very fond of someone and care about them, but not talk to them much. They are still often in my mind; I am thinking about them and things we have done together or shared together; but it's really draining to invest in a lot of direct communication without an easily delineated break-off point.

    (You mentioned noticing that he will call where he will have an easy escape within a certain amount of time. I find that even when I really like someone, I will do the same thing; it depletes my energy to talk to them, but I'm bad at saying, "Hey I need to go," and I'm afraid you won't let me go "just because I'm worn out," and so I will strategize the encounter to allow me an excuse. It's not personal, it's honestly me and not you.)

    Anyway, it's still very possible he very much cares. I think the question you need to ask yourself is if what he is giving is what you need and want. Are you cool with things being this way, if this is the way he needs/wants to relate to you? there is no right or wrong, necessarily; and it might just be the way he rolls. Is it good enough? Are you happy? If not, you will need to negotiate or leave. If so, overall, then you are good.

    Don't be afraid to ask an INTP for something, IF you do it in a non-emotional/undemanding way. We're reasonable and adaptable but sometimes clueless. If you present it as you're just asking, since it would mean something to you, and don't pressure us, then we will puzzle through it and adapt if we can in general. Of course, if you want us to resist you with every ounce of our being, then trying to emotionally manipulate or browbeat us... that's going to cause an immediate, "See ya."

  8. #1018
    INTP - The Thinkers


    Quote Originally Posted by Jennywocky View Post
    Anyway, it's still very possible he very much cares. I think the question you need to ask yourself is if what he is giving is what you need and want. Are you cool with things being this way, if this is the way he needs/wants to relate to you? there is no right or wrong, necessarily; and it might just be the way he rolls. Is it good enough? Are you happy? If not, you will need to negotiate or leave. If so, overall, then you are good.
    thanks ladies for your input.

    those questions, "are you cool with things being this way" "is it good enough" "am I happy" I've had a lot of time to think about. Ultimatley the answer is yes, as long as I know for sure he cares for me. Its hard for me to be rational about it all at the moment because, everything else in my life is going so terribly wrong. I know when things are all well, I have a different mindset that copes far far better with the long distance/little communication. I'm a person who appreciates having space too, but all in moderation :)
    Jennywocky and Kizuna thanked this post.

  9. #1019
    Unknown Personality

    @Jennywocky nailed a lot of things. Good post!

    My prevailing thought from your first post was that you are running into hurdles that are inherent to long-distance relationships. Him moving closer will probably help, because I suspect, based on the fears you mentioned, that you'll not get the amount of interaction you are seeking of him unless you can have more regular in-person communication (still the best kind, even with all our modern networking conveniences.)

    I second Graficcha's suggestion of trying instant messaging, though I know it's not for everyone. I'm personally pretty terrible about returning calls or texts on any conventionally acceptable time frame (unless it's work related), and only slightly less bad about emails. With instant messages one can hammer out a few sentences to express oneself (including affections!) immediately as it occurs to them. Being able to express affections spontaneously is important, because without getting that “at the source,” the INTP may never bother to express it. Their mind will already have engaged upon something else. This is where those intermittent periods of zero communication/robot phases come from.

    My question though is, as I asked before, as an INTP are you able to have no communication with someone who care for, like an on and off switch, when they are not around?
    Absolutely. The friends I care deeply for will often be in my thoughts, even if it's been awhile since we last spoke.
    Jennywocky, Kizuna, Graficcha and 1 others thanked this post.

  10. #1020

    I agree with the texting thing. Short, simple, and immediate... it really works well for me in terms of making contact. I also use texting with my kids, since they're older and we spend some time apart; we can just zing each other and feel connected just by an occasional back-and-forth even if the big blocks of time are not available at the time.
    Kizuna and Graficcha thanked this post.


     
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