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This is a discussion on Q&A about dating INTPs, and INTP dating: within the INTP Forum - The Thinkers forums, part of the NT's Temperament Forum- The Intellects category; Originally Posted by nadjasix No woman I can think of would be offended if you asked her "Do you have ...

  1. #121
    Unknown Personality

    Quote Originally Posted by nadjasix View Post
    No woman I can think of would be offended if you asked her "Do you have a boyfriend?" It's not a "line", you're telling her right off the bat that you're interested, and giving her an out if she's not. If she's old enough to be married, she'd be flattered that you thought she was still young enough to be casually dating.

    If you say "family" she's probably going to think you mean siblings/parents and think "why in the world is this guy asking about my family...?"
    I would not mind such a question after a conversation with someone. I would recommend going in with a bit of small talk first and then ask about the boyfriend. If a guy that doesn't know me comes up to me and immediately asks whether I have a boyfriend, I would not take him seriously at all.

  2. #122
    Unknown Personality

    Quote Originally Posted by lastman View Post
    Any of you guys (or gals) done any cold approaches to meet women (or guys for you ladies) at like, say a bookstore? It feels to me like I am bugging someone if I want to go up and say "hi" to an attractive lady or something, or perhaps she may think I am a creep or something. But I guess if there is a "buying" signal, it may be a bit easier. What does a socially inept INTP look for before trying a cold approach?

    I am sure after a few random, Hello's I may be able to squeak in something more eventually.

    This sitting around and waiting for a lady to fall into my lap is not working and honestly, I am starting to feel like a loser. Like I am missing out on life because everyone else around me has a relationship or has kids, or what not. Never mind the fact that I don't drive (pathetic, I know, but I really was never too interested in driving) and live at home mostly because I don't want to be totally alone.
    Start with a general question about whereever you two are meeting. Better yet, ask her for advice. Your goal when you see a hot chick should not be any different from interacting with any other strangers. The goal is to make conversation. The key to this goal is asking questions that invite open-ended responses rather than "yes" or "no." Give her a chance to explain her opinions and ideas about whatever the fuck is relevant. People LOVE to talk about themselves. Without these types of questions, she will simply just say "yes" or "no" and proceed with whatever she is doing and you have made no progress.
    After a little bit of exchange, ask her if she has a boyfriend. I am not saying that you have to talk to the girl for five years before asking the question. Watch her body language, is she comfortable in your presence? Has she shared a little smidgen of semi-private information (such as about her family, her friends, her political views, whatever)? These are indications that she will actually take you seriously when you ask about the bf.
    You could go in with the boyfriend question right off hand but I really can't imagine a girl respecting you much. I mean I get asked that by random strangers and just feel awkward and am less inclined to even continue interaction with them. To me it's dumb to just see an attractive girl and immediately go in for the bait. She's a person first, and a prospective date second.
    Last edited by kikikins; 04-29-2012 at 10:57 PM.

  3. #123
    INTP - The Thinkers

    Quote Originally Posted by Marimeli View Post
    please tell me you didn't.
    It blew the door open wide and hark did the angels sing...

    the lady doth approaches...

    our lad stands, sheepishly looking at the floor and woefully to her face, oh um sorry... I, um, am not that familiar with popular songs and I thought I'd leave it up to the dj to select something that would, uh, speak to a woman such as yourself. Not that your derriere isn't lovely, or oh bloody hell. I just saw you sitting there and I didn't want to intrude... but I knew I'd regret this night if I didn't at least try to make some effort to say something to you. Maybe we could just start this over and I could say hello, if that's alright with you.


    ~~

    chick songs are better at karaoke bars and open mic nights... to work the crowd over a bit. Minnie Driver's Beloved is a good one to go with... a bit more of masculine spin on it though still reaching the targeted demographic.
    kikikins, Marimeli, Maniac Tenshi and 15 others thanked this post.

  4. #124
    INTP - The Thinkers

    All this would be much easier if I had a small social circle, or at least a couple regular friends who could introduce me or at least show me the doors. I don't even really have a social circle at work, just a couple people who will say whats up to me when our paths cross. But it is work after all. Most people are there to make money not friends, but ironically seem to make friends.

    My old store, I actually had at least one person I could call a "friend" we would even call each other and chat even after he transferred out. After a while we just fell out of touch because he has his own life. Same with my other buddy I knew from a while back. Now its like, "what the hell, happened?" Every since I moved, it feels pretty much like no one will even talk to me.

    I guess part of that is me and this INTP (if I can even call it that). Perhaps I really have turned cynical and others pick up on this. Or see me as some snobby jerk who don't have the time to talk to anyone, when all they have to do is engage me. But my blunt answers to their "what's up" may be one issue. I usually just say, Not much, because, well, there is not much!?

    I can kind of force myself to small talk with customers and usually have someone laughing in no time. Its my job to engage customers so I figured I would use this as an excuse to at least practice talking.

  5. #125
    Unknown Personality

    Quote Originally Posted by lastman View Post
    All this would be much easier if I had a small social circle, or at least a couple regular friends who could introduce me or at least show me the doors. I don't even really have a social circle at work, just a couple people who will say whats up to me when our paths cross. But it is work after all. Most people are there to make money not friends, but ironically seem to make friends.

    My old store, I actually had at least one person I could call a "friend" we would even call each other and chat even after he transferred out. After a while we just fell out of touch because he has his own life. Same with my other buddy I knew from a while back. Now its like, "what the hell, happened?" Every since I moved, it feels pretty much like no one will even talk to me.

    I guess part of that is me and this INTP (if I can even call it that). Perhaps I really have turned cynical and others pick up on this. Or see me as some snobby jerk who don't have the time to talk to anyone, when all they have to do is engage me. But my blunt answers to their "what's up" may be one issue. I usually just say, Not much, because, well, there is not much!?

    I can kind of force myself to small talk with customers and usually have someone laughing in no time. Its my job to engage customers so I figured I would use this as an excuse to at least practice talking.
    I absolutely hate it if I have to constantly engage the person in order for them to give me the time of day. Maybe you should work on going out of your way to call people, approach people and ask about their weekend. Try inviting work friends out after work for a drink or something...just a thought. Moving somewhere new can pose new challenges when it comes to socializing but you really just have to throw yourself out there. Sometimes people are going to want to hang out and get to know you, sometimes they wont, no biggie. Also, there's meetup.com if you want to go that route. I know where I live, people use it very often. I personally found it too forced...
    lastman, Maniac Tenshi, Maniac Tenshi and 13 others thanked this post.

  6. #126
    INTP - The Thinkers

    Quote Originally Posted by nadjasix View Post
    "Do you have a boyfriend?" If no: proceed with small talk. If yes: "Sorry, I had to ask!"
    Really? I hate that line. I've also been asked, "Do you have a husband?" I have a really hard time lying on the spot and I loathe the follow-up questions regarding why I happen to be single and I don't engage strangers in my complicated relationship dynamics.

    And of course, then I can expect to get asked out and no matter how many times I say no, they keep pushing so to me asking if I have a boyfriend is akin to cornering me and demanding attention. Do. Not. Like.

    It really depends on the venue for me. Bookstore -- feel free to make a comment about the books I'm looking at, or ask me if I've read your favorite author, or if I'm into a specific genre. Same thing with a music store. On the bus/train, I don't mind if people ask about my school (my bookbag has my school logo on it) or about the books/newspaper I'm reading. I also enjoy it when people strike up conversations about other people they noticed on the train, particularly if some other group is having an interesting or silly conversation.

    But yeah, hate the "do you have a boyfriend?" line. I don't mind it later on, but not as an intro.

  7. #127
    INTP - The Thinkers

    Quote Originally Posted by kikikins View Post
    I absolutely hate it if I have to constantly engage the person in order for them to give me the time of day. Maybe you should work on going out of your way to call people, approach people and ask about their weekend. Try inviting work friends out after work for a drink or something...just a thought. Moving somewhere new can pose new challenges when it comes to socializing but you really just have to throw yourself out there. Sometimes people are going to want to hang out and get to know you, sometimes they wont, no biggie. Also, there's meetup.com if you want to go that route. I know where I live, people use it very often. I personally found it too forced...
    Valid point.

    I have pretty much always lived by, "Don't speak until spoken too" thus always assumed no one wanted to talk to me because they never came up and chatted.

    I have been trying to at least say, hows it going, (persons name) to a few people when I get a chance. A lot of people especially on the front end are really busy, or I am. But usually when I get an answer and question back, I usually get stuck and give a one word response, like, "alright" when there are tons of stuff I could very easily say. Perhaps I am not as socially inept and shy as I thought I was. I just need to force (or at least fake) myself a bit more.

    I am trying something and that is printing off a couple of my photos to see about hanging in the break room and passing out a few prints to a few select closer people there and figure if anyone else wants a copy they can just ask. I guess I am just baiting people but my photography is something I really don't share and real photographers don't see my work as nothing but mere snapshots. But then again, I don't see photography as an art.
    goodgracesbadinfluence thanked this post.

  8. #128
    Unknown Personality

    Quote Originally Posted by lastman View Post
    Valid point.

    I have pretty much always lived by, "Don't speak until spoken too" thus always assumed no one wanted to talk to me because they never came up and chatted.

    I have been trying to at least say, hows it going, (persons name) to a few people when I get a chance. A lot of people especially on the front end are really busy, or I am. But usually when I get an answer and question back, I usually get stuck and give a one word response, like, "alright" when there are tons of stuff I could very easily say. Perhaps I am not as socially inept and shy as I thought I was. I just need to force (or at least fake) myself a bit more.

    I am trying something and that is printing off a couple of my photos to see about hanging in the break room and passing out a few prints to a few select closer people there and figure if anyone else wants a copy they can just ask. I guess I am just baiting people but my photography is something I really don't share and real photographers don't see my work as nothing but mere snapshots. But then again, I don't see photography as an art.
    I think that's a great idea! As far as your first point, just look at it this way...if everyone in the world lived by the philosophy of "don't speak until you're spoken to," nobody would speak...ever. Clearly that's not the case

  9. #129

    Quote Originally Posted by Marimeli View Post
    And really, you're not LOSING anything by approaching someone. If she says no, you're no worse off than now, and at least you tried.
    I actually have figured out that I seem(as of lately) to be more afraid of getting a yes. It's like I am so used to getting rejected that getting a yes catches me off guard and I have no idea what or how to do anything after that. I have gotten a yes and a number last year from one girl and since I am extremely shy when it comes to talking on phones and online/email/text, I was pacing nervously for about five hours before calling her. She never answered or called back so I assumed she completely lost interest.
    Grok, Marimeli, Maniac Tenshi and 15 others thanked this post.

  10. #130
    INTP - The Thinkers

    Quote Originally Posted by lastman View Post
    Any of you guys (or gals) done any cold approaches to meet women (or guys for you ladies) at like, say a bookstore? It feels to me like I am bugging someone if I want to go up and say "hi" to an attractive lady or something, or perhaps she may think I am a creep or something. But I guess if there is a "buying" signal, it may be a bit easier. What does a socially inept INTP look for before trying a cold approach?

    I am sure after a few random, Hello's I may be able to squeak in something more eventually.

    This sitting around and waiting for a lady to fall into my lap is not working and honestly, I am starting to feel like a loser. Like I am missing out on life because everyone else around me has a relationship or has kids, or what not. Never mind the fact that I don't drive (pathetic, I know, but I really was never too interested in driving) and live at home mostly because I don't want to be totally alone.
    Well, at a bookstore in particular, I might be a little annoyed if someone came up and started talking to me if I was trying to read. The person would also have to not come off as too interested. I don't automatically label someone as a creeper just for coming up to me and saying hi. Unless they are like 40 (I'm 20). I wouldn't mind if they immediately launched into a conversation about the atmosphere of the place. I don't like it when people come on too strong, and if there is a blatant "I'm only talking to you because I find you attractive" vibe, it's going to annoy me. Even if that is the case... tone it down.


     
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