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This is a discussion on Q&A about dating INTPs, and INTP dating: within the INTP Forum - The Thinkers forums, part of the NT's Temperament Forum- The Intellects category; Originally Posted by merlin89 I visited a chat connected to a dating site and only thing I get from that ...

  1. #1521
    INTP - The Thinkers

    Quote Originally Posted by merlin89 View Post
    I visited a chat connected to a dating site and only thing I get from that is anxiety from the way of getting to know someone, from the people that actually were there, the way they expressed themselves, I dont belong to this world o.o
    Yeah, I have an account on OkCupid, and then only messages I've gotten so far are: "Hey, you look nice in your picture." Or: "Hi, you're cute, want to meet?" Or: "The weather was nice today." What am I supposed to say to that? "Thanks, you too."?

    To be fair, I can't write an introductory message worth shit either, so I can't really be too hard on these girls. I just don't know how they expect me to have a conversation with them if they don't give me anything to work off of.

    I guess I'll just have to find a girl somewhere out in the real world. It might help if I actually went there sometimes, though.

  2. #1522
    INTP - The Thinkers

    Quote Originally Posted by that View Post
    Yeah, I have an account on OkCupid, and then only messages I've gotten so far are: "Hey, you look nice in your picture." Or: "Hi, you're cute, want to meet?" Or: "The weather was nice today." What am I supposed to say to that? "Thanks, you too."?

    To be fair, I can't write an introductory message worth shit either, so I can't really be too hard on these girls. I just don't know how they expect me to have a conversation with them if they don't give me anything to work off of.

    I guess I'll just have to find a girl somewhere out in the real world. It might help if I actually went there sometimes, though.
    Does not really help, idk

    If they get over my picture to a stage we are chatting on skype it goes like this: I ask something, she answers, I try to develop a convo based on that, if it doesnt help I just ask more and more and try to make her ask me too..... But no, they have never asked so far..... Like seriously is this supposed to be one way relationship? Looks like I am not the only one weird missing socializing skills.... Actually I do pretty well in 1 on 1 conversations, I tend to be interesting for the people... What the fuck all those extroverts talking about for their entire life? Weather, TV program, how was your work, whats for dinner? .....

  3. #1523
    INTP - The Thinkers

    Quote Originally Posted by merlin89 View Post
    If they get over my picture to a stage we are chatting on skype it goes like this: I ask something, she answers, I try to develop a convo based on that, if it doesnt help I just ask more and more and try to make her ask me too..... But no, they have never asked so far..... Like seriously is this supposed to be one way relationship? Looks like I am not the only one weird missing socializing skills.... Actually I do pretty well in 1 on 1 conversations, I tend to be interesting for the people... What the fuck all those extroverts talking about for their entire life? Weather, TV program, how was your work, whats for dinner? .....
    I've been there. I ask all the questions. I get direct answers. No questions, elaboration, or apparent interest back. But, they're sitting there. They got into this conversation with me for a reason, right? So I do get the feeling like, "Er, do you not know how a conversation works?"

    So sometimes I let the gap in and, eventually, maybe, I might get a response back after 10 minutes like, "So... what's up?"

    I find it tends to be that people think they're pro multi-taskers these days and don't realize that, no, your brain can't handle three things at once. (There are tests to back this up.)

    I find extroverts, as people that love people, make conversation easy even though it's primarily small talk. They want to engage, therefore they will find something to talk about. This is assuming it's face-to-face, their forté of engagement. Get them behind a computer then they're a "pro multi-tasker."

    /random observations
    rakstamgalds, eks, that and 1 others thanked this post.

  4. #1524
    INTP - The Thinkers

    I've only chatted a few times on OK Cupid. I prefer doing 2 or 3 email exchanges and then just asking them out for drinks.
    I kind of assume if they respond they're most likely interested.
    Chatting kind of puts people on the spot.
    Though, the most fun I had chatting was with an ENTP who went all over the place and was very entertaining. Sadly she lived two hours away.

  5. #1525
    INTP - The Thinkers

    Now I've been staring at this thread for a week now trying to think of what to share about this INTP x INTP pairing I have going on that's turning out to be the best-thing-ever-oh-dear and I realise I have no idea where to start.

    Context: Belgian travels to the Yu and Ehs of Ey to meet internet boyfran to see if this entire IRL thing works out at all.

    ((Lemme try and trivia my way out of this.))

    - On the trip there I had two layovers. In JFK I missed my next flight and it became a huge mess, ended up staying over at a hotel to get there the next day. Apparently showed up with a wide smile on my face (how would I not be smiling, I AM FUCKING THERE WHOOHOO I DID IT YAYYYYY), mega-impressed his mother who'd co-piloted him through LA.

    - Man is he ever tall. I'm off to scout for my luggage, suddenly guy on my right, have to crane my neck up with a dumb stare before going o: oh HEYYYYYYYY there.
    He'd brought me a small bouquet of huge ass lilies. I just eee.
    Being tall as hell comes in handy when you're looking over everyone else peering for your stuff on the band. He's six foot six. I'm five foor four.

    - Yay for length differences, I fit under his chin quite comfortably like that. Best ratio for spooning, too, turns out. Cuddling with someone your own size just doesn't work out as well?

    - Awkwardness? Below zero. Talk the talk, walk the walk, unrestrained, all me, all him. Getting to know someone online and having discussed pretty much every aspect of you both over the last three years sure does make it easy to know 'it's okay' and that if you do something unwanted they'd just let you know, no biggie.

    - Fuck we're both asexual as a plum (case in point: no awkward boners ever, even if we cuddled up plenty and had a shower together). I can't say I mind. Way too much cool stuff to do that the entire 'maybe we should hump'ness gets in the way of.

    ((Seems like the trivia gambit is working.))

    - Things we did: category 1: (the classics)
    Huntingon museum and gardens (zomfg hummingbirds! carpenter bees! scarabs! oh yeah and pictures too I guess ehhhhh, we poked a millipede for five minutes off the beaten path and snuck out a dragonfruity thing), Reagan library (well well well), Santa Barbara zoo (foxes, holy shit, we both love foxes, spent twenty minutes oogling their darling Island fox, came back for the little fella before going home), Hollywood boulevard for the Jimmy Kimmel Live show (fuckyea epicest old lady in the audience, got more of an applause than the guests she did) (WE GUD TEAM MAEK finding the way in and out of the parking garage. Though he did think up was down and we ended up finding the very deepest dead end before getting the way out right.), Queen tribute concert, miscelaneous rock concert (His mom's a huge fan), bleh bluh stuff...

    - Things we did: category 2: (the cosy) Shaved ice what (flavoursssss), Mess with the cats (got his shy one to let me pet'm, HAHAH I win), walk the dogs, watch the snake eat a dead mouse, had a Rockband party night with his friends (much gratitude to his mom for raising him to actually have a social circle, dude, AND I CAN PLAY GUITAR ON EASY MODE sort of.). Made him breakfast and lunch every day because he spends more time in the shower than I do and my mom raised (read as: bullied) me into being organised, kept having to remind him to eat the damn bagel already. Exchanged candies (taffy's weird. Rootbeer's weird. Murrikah what.). Went shopping at the 99 cent store, got gas, had a late night hamburger, went to an actual restaurant (holy hell that's a lotta iced tea), managed to not look like derps I think. Spent at least one whole day in pyjamas. Finish each other's sentences and tell the exact same jokes at the exact same time. Check my tumblr while he's learning how to pick locks beside me for three hours.

    - Things we did: category 3: (the geeky) Go to soda shop, get all kinds of stuff, make mixtures, compare taste of energy drinks. Watched the entirety of Tengen Toppa: Gurren Lagann. Played Okage Shadow King from start to end once we rescued the disc from dust and scratches (playtime: 29 hours, solo managed to find my way through the last dungeon where he got stuck playing it as a kid, whoop whoop!). Talk about our roleplay plots way past the wee hours, sleep until noon. Joined four labdays, learned to run a three-trap Rotavap unsupervised in one (god he looks nice in a labcoat) (did better than all but one of his assistants) (He's not even a garduated bachelor but yes he does labwork with assistants under him in a biochem lab) (his professor-supervisor is a 'fun guy' with the communicative skills of a brick). Went through our youtube favourites and watched vids for a long time. Forced his mom to watch Barking Cat. Let him listen to some weird-ass Belgian music. Taking a breather outside the Huntington's played with the ants in the parking lot for an hour. Fondle each other for a few hours on the second day taking things from 'he's never kissed a girl' to 'and then he had his fingers in my private parts and I noticed dicks feel a lot like snakes' until you're nice and fluffed-looking, discuss how smoothly that went the next day and analyse what you both noticed. Don't actually do anything much aside from that during the whole stay except kisses and backscratchies because neither of you's bothered to.

    Verdict:
    Leaving him behind at the airport to go through customs felt like I was being punched in the heart, like an actual physical ache. If I hadn't choked it down I would've bawled. Hadn't expected that. Still happened.

    He's miiiiine mine mine mine I'll have to look up if it's economically viable to get married but otherwise OH GOD YES WHY DOUBT. I still need to work on cutting out the snark and the ha ha ha lulz when in fact I'm trying to be emotionally genuine and it's all just a teeeetch too much to let out, but we communicate so well, everything is comfortable and safe and fun, we're *scarily* alike and yet not, it's just all the bliss of being able to say 'hey so eh that obscure reasoning and feeling here and so do yo-' 'yep, sure do get that', and how it just works out quite nicely that he can be hilariously scatterbrained but relaxed and gentle and personable, and I'm more 'grounded' and a little more forceful/able to just make a decision. I like to fuss about him a little and pick up his slack, and he likes to just be nice to me and make me feel like I'm about to just turn into goop. I haven't felt that relaxed and calm in years.

    AND HE DOESN'T FEEL THE NEED TO KISS ME FOR TEN FUCKING MINUTES EACH TIME holy shit yes dear a little chu~ will do yes yes very good ahhhh how is that difficult.

    This year's going to be torturous. Fuck you timezones, fuck you. I've been home for a week and I still sleep all day. Fuck you jetlag. If I don't I'd barely have time to talk to him.
    AUUUGHHHHHH.

    Tl;dr mindmate connection get, what is this perfection???
    Nordom, eks, bioshell and 5 others thanked this post.

  6. #1526
    Unknown Personality

    People who mentioned OKCupid: @Iamtp @that @merlin89
    I've met plenty of friends through OKCupid, met them out in the real world too. Only ever kissed one, the rest I didn't have chemistry with. It's impossible for me to just meet new people, for some reason sending a few messages online before hand makes me a little less anxious.

  7. #1527
    INTP - The Thinkers

    Quote Originally Posted by error View Post
    People who mentioned OKCupid: @Iamtp @that @merlin89
    I've met plenty of friends through OKCupid, met them out in the real world too. Only ever kissed one, the rest I didn't have chemistry with. It's impossible for me to just meet new people, for some reason sending a few messages online before hand makes me a little less anxious.
    It's been observed plenty of times that online contact takes away the entire physical dimension of interacting. Eye contact, how am I dressed, did I brush my teeth this morning, I hope I'm not sweaty, where do my hands go, how meet up, where meet up, how get there, do wat?

    For INTPs and other types, the ability to have a meaningful conversation is often the first line of selection. IRL, getting to that part can be very, very muddled.

    Online contacts are like getting a backstage pass to talk to the brain driver, instead of having to sit through the stage performance first, and then having to impress the bodyguards to give you a chance. Once you're 'there' and you've found out that critical baseline has been hit, it in turn becomes easier to 'play the game' knowing the appearances bit isn't really what it's all about, and you can more easily do that 'being yourself' thing, trusting that they'll at least somewhat understand, and having the security of having a little spare points of mutual goodwill you can fumble away being awkward before they might decide to give you the boot.

    I suppose it really is that simple. We're interested in the people beyond the façade, and we want them to see us beyond ours, too. Where to better openly be the secret you that your colleagues rarely if ever get to see than online? It's cheap, it's private, it's relatively secure, and low-effort compared to going out and trying to have any sort of indepth discussion when the music's blaring and you're distracted with who gets to pay the drinks and dammit-I-should-have-worn-a-different-shirt.

    In a way you could say it's just an adaptive strategy. Our best, most impressive suit is our minds, why not seek connections where it's your most important calling card, rather than how you physically comport yourself, stick to the trodden path of dating rules, and how good you are at guessing someone's preferences in real-time.
    error, Nordom, that and 3 others thanked this post.

  8. #1528

    Excellent analysis. The two best in-person relationships I ever had started as long-distance online relationships. One of the men died after 1 year, and the other relationship had to end after 3 years because being-from-different-countries issues made continuing unfeasible. This was more than 10 years ago; I think the online dating scene has changed a lot since then. It was great getting to know someone without all that stuff you described. It never occurred to me that preferring to get to know someone without all the confusing (ha--irrelevant) body language was an INTP thing, but I guess you're right! Thanks for the lovely love story, and good luck!
    Graficcha thanked this post.

  9. #1529
    INTP - The Thinkers

    @Graficcha I'm glad that you've found you soul mate. I could feel the waves of Fe coming off your post, it nearly knocked me off my chair.
    Graficcha thanked this post.

  10. #1530
    ESFJ - The Caregivers

    Hey all you sexy INTPs, I recently rekindled my crush on a tall dark handsome INTP acquaintance at concert last weekend. I told him I liked him and asked if it were okay to get to know him better. He gave me a nod of approval. I proceeded to snuggle him which he was kind of squeamish about. Now I'm at a loss of how to proceed since I'm a girl and I'm usually the one pursued.


    What would an ideal first date be for an INTP? I want to make sure he is comfortable and isn't pressured to say or do anything.

    I don't mind being persistent, I do mind being too invasive and obnoxious. Im just truly afraid he'll flake on me or change his mind about me. Suggestions?


     

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