Thank you so much Himitsu. I guess I'll just have to accept that INTPs and aren't compatible in relationships.
This is a discussion on Q&A about dating INTPs, and INTP dating: within the INTP Forum - The Thinkers forums, part of the NT's Temperament Forum- The Intellects category; Thank you so much Himitsu. I guess I'll just have to accept that INTPs and aren't compatible in relationships....
Thank you so much Himitsu. I guess I'll just have to accept that INTPs and aren't compatible in relationships.
Ok so i have another "example/question"
Me and my INTP talked about spending more time together. During the week he asked "what was I doing on the weekend". So I said I didn't have plans yet, we should see each other . He said ok. The weekend comes and we texted for a little while. Then he asked "what where my plans for the day?". I answered "well finish with work and then to see you" and then he said "well I'm heading out to hang out with some friends,(a spree of the moment kind of thing) what are you doing later tonight?" and I said "well that is cool, I still have to finish with work. what time do you think you'll be done? Because I would like is to go and check this one place out" he answered "I don't know. I have a tendency of not planning things out"
Well, so that made me think that he is not really wanting to spend time with me and/or that I should be available for whenever he feels like it. So, I answered back " ok well don't worry about me I have plans to go check the place out with a friend. We can hangout tomorrow if you want. Let me know ;)"
I'm not a clingy person at all and I don't want to bother him... I'm actually very cool and laid back... But I thought it was a douchy move to be like that with me. Don't get me wrong I went out and had a good fun night with my friend but I was expecting to be able to hang out with him instead. Now on the other hand I don't think is fair that he feels like it's fine to be like that with me. Any thoughts?
It sounds like your INTP isn't very good at setting priorities or managing is time. I would just be direct and tell him how you really feel. The thing is though, he still might not change, because if he is anything like me, flexibility and spontaneity are important. I feel confined and anxious when not given enough time and or space to do whatever I want on the spur of a moment.
Hello, I normally don't ask much questions here. I hope this is not TLDR.
I notice some of whom I suspect to be INTP females because of our nearly identical behaviors. One I know I've been hanging almost monthly or more, she seems to act as if nothing happened after our long amount of time being distant. However I do see that she feels she needs her own space, but her friend says otherwise that she is rather interacting with other people most of the time than being alone. Her friend seemed frustrated because she is doing it in a way where she is private and categorizing all the different friends she is interacting with, leaving them disconnected from each other. She somewhat gains this control over all the people she interacts with without ever having to have them conflict with each other. I wonder if INTP have chameleon like tendencies, or if it's something to do with Ti/Fe issue. Then it seems she gets burned out, and at times as if her brain is fried from all this stimulation.
Anyway, it is quite difficult to read whether she is interested in me or not, whether she is but is holding back or not. We find we have a lot of things in common, even our bad habits. She seems to get excited at times around me and when she found it is past her schedule time, she seems to forget. The last time we hung out we went to the movies, we originally planned to watch a drama, but found it was too late. We then spontaneously watched a scary movie. As we are sitting together she casually whispers into my ear, this time however it was different it seemed our arms were touching, but none of us moved away.
There were some frightening scenes, but it seemed she was a bit anxious to hold on to something or me. Her hands in fist formation, knees pointed towards me in a curled frightened position as they are lightly pressed onto my arms as if she was eager to hold on to my arm yet keeping a distance. I don't know really there's so much body language to read and some completely obvious. We then watched a second movie because the first one was terrible, our arms were touched again first lightly brushed against each other and next pressed. Throughout the whole movie it seemed she moved away and for a long time she had the arms touching for quite a while. It seemed to be getting late, we went to go eat dinner.
She would mentioned stories about stumbling onto internet porn openly by accident when she was younger and some other pornographic related things, and some other things about the internet. Some debates, somewhat, it seemed to be getting late and her schedule was out of place. She had homework due, and had a hard time leaving. I finally dropped her off, she seemed to have second thoughts by her body language as she was leaving the car as if she was about to get out and get back in.
Sure I am over analyzing quite a lot, but I sometimes wonder if these things are super obvious. Like when she might gently touch me, or if I throw a hug she may accept. Sometimes though I wonder if she could also be not emotionally matured enough to understand a relationship. Perhaps she could have a preexisting notion of me or maybe not, or some conflict in her mind. It seems she behaves a bit more animate than I do, as if I engage a lot with Ti/Ne, and sometimes Fe. Whereas her it seems she is having a conflicting issue with Ti/Fe loop or Ti/Si loop. Interestingly she seems to describe nostalgia a lot going back to her old behaviors. I also read that somewhere male INTPs tend to use Ti/Ne more and females would have tendency to be Ti/Fe, possible because of social norms.
It feels like our relation is growing at a very gradual pace.
Not sure what I should do next time...
I wonder if she finds this post somehow, if she spends a lot of time on the internet there could be a possibility?
I wish I could just know... I feel this sense of closeness coming between us..
lulu.sagredo--that's why P's in general can drive me up the wall sometimes. I like plans in advance so that I don't get into that situation. And if a dude doesn't plan with me in advance, I typically make other plans.
Phillipb, I think I'd need more context. I don't necessarily view someone bringing up pornography as suggestive--sure, some women may have been taught that's the way to get a man. Others, we might be speaking out about trauma--in my case, that would be the issue. I would be looking to see whether I was safe with a man.
That is for these reasons:
and this https://www.youtube.com/user/slubben (She's histrionic and religious, but that's the problem with getting testimony from people who have been abused--the abuse messes with them.)
But even if that's the case, the fact that this woman is bringing it up might mean that she is turning to you to find your thoughts on it and discover whether she is safe with you.
It does sound like she's into you in some ways and having hesitancy for the same reasons that you express. I think growing at a gradual pace might be a good thing. I think your analyzing of the issues could also be a good thing. Here's a thought--why not float some of these ideas towards her in a positive way?
Are any INTPs currently dating ESTJs? What problems are you facing and what do you like about the relationship? I'd be more interested in problems faced other than the obvious ones that would arise if you're living together.
Is there a reason why you emphasized so much on that one sentence as if I crossed some kind of red zone? Giving me links to all these serious talks about pornography? I mean to be more specific, if my mistake for not extending that one sentence, it's not that she seemed suggestive or the possibility discovering whether she is testing me to see she is safe. However who knows, but my thoughts alternatively could be that, she mentioned it in a humorous way, like how people tell sexual jokes casually. Like her time stumbling onto gay porn because she intended to read fan fictions from her favorite show. Also INTPs tend to delve into odd humor and sometimes it seems like if it goes deeper it can mix with sexual humor. Then again a lot of people can be perverse surprisingly...
It could be also be so many various reasons, maybe she is because somewhat attracted and wanted to push the relationship further out of the sacred comfort zone. It seems like some people talk about sexual things to see how far they can poke at a person and sooner or later they will seem more open at revealing themselves. Because the fact that sex is embedded in all human beings it and also being the most basic of needs in the Maslow hierarchy. It could be that she is wanting to be more open? There could be various reasons, but how could I assume these things I really don't know. The idea that women are taught to believe it attracts men that it's the way to get them is sort of I dunno, because I'm pretty sure some women can be as perverse as men. I morally do decide things, but I don't necessarily see females as sexually as often, it kind of bores me, there has to be more mental stimulation for me though. So I'm not like going to go ew yucky, I sometimes find sexual humor kind of a cheap alternative for humor. I try to be in a neutral position rather than condemning people, I do try to float people in a positive way, but at the same time I try to be in their shoes too though.
Well, I think you hit on some of the reasons yourself. You seemed to give it some meaning in the OP and in the second post. So I was tossing around the meaning.
Sometimes a single word can be emotionally loaded and can trigger a reaction. Sometimes the word is universally so; other times it is individually so. So for instance, the term "her first period" is likely to be an emotionally loaded term for most women and is going to evoke a reaction. "Genocide" is probably widely loaded throughout society. "Step-sister" could be an emotionally loaded term for some people. But maybe "kitten" is a loaded term for one individual based on the torture he endured as a POW.
"Pornography" is a loaded term for many of the reasons you describe above. Someone mentions pornography. Although it might seem like a common-place word due to its daily prevalence in our world, it raises so many issues for the average person and particularly the average women. Sex, sexual attraction, awkwardness, humor, power disparity, humiliation, objectification, attractiveness, money, obsession, coercion, body image, and so on. . . It can invoke all of these ideas.
For someone like me, it might be an even more loaded term based on my experiences. I've been through sexual trauma. I also spent four years working for child protective services. Daily I was confronted with the details of sexual abuse, the dynamics of power disparities, and the acting out that sexual abuse survivors engage in, which looks a lot like the life of someone in pornography. Then I actually wound up in relationships with more than one pornography addict and had to put up with all of the erectile dysfunction issues that Gary Wilson discusses--which of course left me feeling no so attractive. I experienced coercion, empathy dampening, and all kinds of unpleasant requests--particularly in the abusive relationship I recently left. So, yes, I reacted.
And at the same time, I think you reacted to it too--there are a number of things in your interaction with her that seem quizzical to you, and you seem to be asking what does it all mean? I was speculating on the meaning myself. Sure, it is even possible that she is into it--in the same way that my exes were--which raises a bunch of issues as well.
Anyway, it definitely seems that she is interested on some level. And I think the fact that you are exploring the meaning of the things that she says and does is a good thing.
I hope that the whole experience winds up being rewarding and wish you hugs and love.
This is mainly directed to the INTPs who have expressed they wanted to meet more people and needed help to build their social circle, but I suppose it applies to everyone. Plus it seems you get to walk a lot.
Meeting strangers in the street Â« It's a Tarp
It is about ingress augmented reality game, which could be a good way to learn your city, or anywhere you travel to, and meet new people of diverse ages and interests at your own "pace" (pun intended, you will understand if you read on).
I guess it will royally suck if you are not in a big urban or touristical city or stuck inside endless american suburbs though. I do not vouch for the game, I just found the link to the article a few days ago.