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This is a discussion on Q&A about dating INTPs, and INTP dating: within the INTP Forum - The Thinkers forums, part of the NT's Temperament Forum- The Intellects category; Originally Posted by Ablysmal I'm not sure many people have the patience to wait until the INTP has reasoned that ...

  1. #491
    INTP - The Thinkers

    Quote Originally Posted by Ablysmal View Post
    I'm not sure many people have the patience to wait until the INTP has reasoned that there might be some compatibility.
    "x3 Yes, well, wouldn't be good for either party involved if there was not enough patience there for both. It's a compatibility test in itself, I think, finding out who has the perseverance to go for it 'in the longterm'. Those looking for a casual fun fling will have better luck elsewhere.

    When being very choosy and uncertain about finding only those few people who will go the mile with you, that attitude does inhibit the 'just go with it for a while and see' behaviour. And even with careful consideration, it can turn out to end up nowhere after all. For some, the idea of comitting deeply and fully and investing time and energy into a relationship that doesn't have a realistic chance of lasting is a very repelling one. Either we're 'just having a bit of fun', no promises, no illusions, or we enter the stage of carefully considering whether or not to take the risk of investment.

    But if you have us, you have us completely, fussiness and doubts and devotion, the whole package. Take it or leave it, heart handed on a platter.
    Zic, kikikins, Ablysmal and 18 others thanked this post.

  2. #492
    ISTJ - The Duty Fulfillers

    Do intps stare/creep on people they like a lot?

  3. #493
    INTP - The Thinkers

    Quote Originally Posted by DaisyChain View Post
    And once s/he has, we still have to keep jumping through hoops to avoid becoming boring in your eyes. You guys are exhausting. ;)
    I try just as hard not to be boring and it is a conscious effort, not just a natural part of my personality As much as I want to appear "multi layered" or "unpredictable," I know I have the same habits or behavior patterns as anyone else. You basically are who you are and eventually that comes out. I don't usually realize the value of consistency and try and avoid it like the plague.
    DaisyChain thanked this post.

  4. #494
    INTP - The Thinkers

    So.

    I jumped from being (somewhat predictively) being dumped by friend A, and within the hour ended up asking friend B if he's have me back.
    In all behavioural definitions, I suppose this would count as a 'rebound'.

    After fretting about this and questioning my own motives, integrity and honesty in doing this, and almost frantically badgering friend B to make sure he wasn't just taking me back because he felt sorry for me or felt pressured, I reached the conclusion that maybe I hadn't done anything wrong by 'going with my impulse'.

    Three weeks later and much chewing through things later, I ended up goggling the exact reason why people say rebounds are a bad idea, noticing that I only thought so because of popular opinion, not because of understanding of the mechanism.
    Conclusions: rebounds are bad when not both parties are able to be completely comitted, as would be the case when party 1 is secretly still hoping to get back with their ex, isn't over them and can't make sound judgements, and party 2 feels pressured or is being opportunistic.


    Scrutinizing myself, I found that I feel like I'm completely over friend A, no regrets, no lasting spite, and no hopes or intents to turn back the clock, not even should friend A miraculously come around again. Also, I feel that I am very much committed to friend B now, and while I've been pretty much bapped on the nose as a reward for my previous open-heartedness with friend A, I'm very much willing to give it my all and to not let myself become fearful of rejection and failure.
    Friend B tells me he feels like this is very much what he wants, even if he's getting scared that this is almost too perfect. We're both acting like starved bunnies being spooked by the sight of a delicious salad, because neither of us wants to be caught off-guard in naivity and irrationality.



    Opinions? Feedback? Tips on how to stop overthinking this?
    rakstamgalds and DaisyChain thanked this post.

  5. #495
    INTP - The Thinkers

    Quote Originally Posted by Graficcha View Post

    because neither of us wants to be caught off-guard in naivity and irrationality.
    I think this statement works perfectly for intp or at-least for me. The fear of looking back and thinking how could i have let my self slip into such irrational behavior. The problem with that is, You'll only look back and think you were naive and irrational if it doesn't work out. I'm not saying you should ignore this, Just accept it. A little fear is good. It's what keeps people like us from becoming the extremely over emotional people who at times look like complete fools.
    Graficcha thanked this post.

  6. #496
    ISTJ - The Duty Fulfillers

    Quote Originally Posted by Graficcha View Post
    So.

    I reached the conclusion that maybe I hadn't done anything wrong by 'going with my impulse'.


    Scrutinizing myself, I found that I feel like I'm completely over friend A, no regrets, no lasting spite, and no hopes or intents to turn back the clock, not even should friend A miraculously come around again. Also, I feel that I am very much committed to friend B now, and while I've been pretty much bapped on the nose as a reward for my previous open-heartedness with friend A, I'm very much willing to give it my all and to not let myself become fearful of rejection and failure.
    Friend B tells me he feels like this is very much what he wants, even if he's getting scared that this is almost too perfect. We're both acting like starved bunnies being spooked by the sight of a delicious salad, because neither of us wants to be caught off-guard in naivity and irrationality.



    Opinions? Feedback? Tips on how to stop overthinking this?
    Good for you! You decided to take a risk and go for an adventure. Occasionally (once in five years or so), that's a fun thing to do. If you wake up in cold sweat and think WHAT HAVE I DONE???????????, then evaluate the worst-case scenario. It's not so bad, right?

    Some choices are dubious (swimming around alligators) or can't be undone (once the baby's here, you're stuck with it). This wasn't one of them. You got to behave like an SP without drastic consequences, had fun, and however that turns out, you'll have tons of stuff to mull over and analyze and keep your mind busy with.

    Are you the INTP who was really giddy recently about a lover-and-future-roommate in Belgium?
    @Iamtp says, "I don't usually realize the value of consistency and try and avoid it like the plague" - so here's your validation: You're now behaving in a manner consistent with dogmatic INTPness (avoiding consistency), and that in itself can be an INTP characteristic. Voila - instant rationalization. :)
    Nordom thanked this post.

  7. #497
    INTP - The Thinkers

    Quote Originally Posted by DaisyChain View Post
    Good for you! You decided to take a risk and go for an adventure. Occasionally (once in five years or so), that's a fun thing to do. If you wake up in cold sweat and think WHAT HAVE I DONE???????????, then evaluate the worst-case scenario. It's not so bad, right?

    Some choices are dubious (swimming around alligators) or can't be undone (once the baby's here, you're stuck with it). This wasn't one of them. You got to behave like an SP without drastic consequences, had fun, and however that turns out, you'll have tons of stuff to mull over and analyze and keep your mind busy with.

    Are you the INTP who was really giddy recently about a lover-and-future-roommate in Belgium?

    Yup, that sounds like me. Hadn't realized I had a presence over here, but yeah, I have been popping in here at every other stage in this transition xD Overall spazz levels and worrying's been declining gradually, starting to find back my good faith in making the best of things and not prematurely bracing myself 'incase it goes wrong'.

    This does mean a lot to me, I find it hard to be entirely lighthearted about something that I want to preserve into the longterm this badly (never before been so aware I'm such a future-living N), but I do try to just enjoy today and accept that, paradoxically, the best chances to make this work come with not being so darn fretty all the time, and relinquishing control.


    I suppose, in short, 'I am taking a risk', which feels pretty scary and unwise, but hey, you can't win if you don't play at all, or hold back too much :3
    I give this advice to friends of mine who are lacking in confidence, time to practise what I preach. 't Is a bit outside of my comfort zone but I want this, and I'm more afraid of missing an opportunity like this than to endure more heartache if it's just not meant to be. Not like the worst case scenario will kill or gravely harm me.

    @Jhopkins
    Dude, wow. You're absolutely right, hadn't even made that observation yet this consciously, that hindsight one.

    Thanks for the backup, you guys, I suppose it is comforting to hear that I'm probably not just being a complete rushed fool of a person in this.
    DaisyChain thanked this post.

  8. #498
    INFJ - The Protectors

    Quote Originally Posted by Marimeli View Post
    YES. My ex always got super possessive and insecure if i wasn't reminding him how I felt all the time, but he would totally blow me off and never say anything until I stopped telling him that stuff. Then he'd panic and be all sweet again.

    Hence the "ex." :)
    oh god. this is like reading about myself. my ex dumped me too. i suspect he was an IxFP. IM SO SORRY T_T
    Marimeli thanked this post.

  9. #499
    INTP - The Thinkers

    Quote Originally Posted by Inure Penumbra View Post
    oh god. this is like reading about myself. my ex dumped me too. i suspect he was an IxFP. IM SO SORRY T_T
    Heh... shucks.

    INT (effish)P x INTP seems to at least work better as a T-T conjuction because there's a mutual understanding that feelsies-talk doesn't come naturally, and even if from my side I occasionally do rather want explicit confirmation, I'll ask for it explicitly, too, without getting mad if it takes a while before I get the reassurance I need, and I'm not as quick to jump into doubts and take them seriously either.

    I wonder if F-F's get 'hurt' more in relationships due to the lack of T perspective on things.
    Inure Penumbra thanked this post.

  10. #500
    Unknown Personality

    Quote Originally Posted by DaisyChain View Post
    Good luck! Have fun!

    For bonus points:

    1. If the roller coasters get to your stomach, do NOT puke on her shoes.

    2. Keep close enough and attentive enough in case she trips on one of the twelve million children who'll be running around there. Grabbing her before she falls will make a beautiful impression.

    3. Before you part, smile that sincere, giddy INTP smile that y'all do so well, look her in the eye and say: "I had a really good time with you today."

    And then tell us about it!

    So we planned to be at her place 9am to go. Showed up 8.45a, no one was awake yet. Drove to pick up another person who was on the other side of town. We didn't get to the park until 11am.

    There were six of us. Four guys, two girls; three extroverts, three introverts.

    Spent a good 1.5 minutes driving around the safari. (Note - Remember to not feed the animals.) But they brought peanuts and bananas to feed the emu's and giraffes, so we did that anyway. The car was being surrounded by packs until they realized there was nothing left.

    Got into the park around 2pm, bought a flash pass for group of 6, spend the next 4 hours riding all the attractions: sky screamer, batman, superman, green lantern, bizarro, kingda ka, rolling thunder, congo rapids, nitro (3x).

    No tripping, no millions of kids running around, but toward the late-mid to end of the day before the park was closed, she was getting nausea .... I do believe this was due to not eating breakfast or having coffee.

    After the day was over, drove to the city and had Brazillian steakhouse for dinner. Was crazy expensive, but omg... endless good marinated meats being served. If you never had Brazillian Steakhouse before, it's highly recommended you have it at least once in your life. Not recommended to be frequently unless you have deep pockets.



    Quote Originally Posted by Iamtp View Post
    Not that you asked for my advice, but my one tip is - no matter how much you may dislike any of her friends, be really nice and charming to all of them. That's usually a big win if they all think you're cool and may raise your chances pretty highly, since they'll talk about you at some point without you present.
    Plus if you pay attention to one of her friends more than the one you actually like you can maybe get a signal one way or the other if she gets jealous. Jealous is actually a strong word, but she may try to get your attention more.
    Nothing of the sort. Everyone bounced back and forth between the E's and the I's of the group to ensure everyone was kept company, attendance, and awareness.

    Quite a many instances of awkward silences but quickly swept under the rug after a session of a ride.


    All in all, it was an awesome adrenaline filled day. But the fact remains, nothing happened. Nothing could have happened anyway. One of the guys was her SO... this guy is a trusted colleague / friend she knew when she moved to this area. From my encounters with him, he classifies as ESxP; with a mix between T/F - moreso F.

    From what I know, When people teased / confronted the ESTJ girl about the guy being her boyfriend, she throws temper fits saying just a friend and blah blah. When she visit her family back overseas, he joined her for the trip. Vice versa, if he had a family outing she would also go. So if not boyfriend, most definitely FwB. Which makes me a third wheel / light bulb. But whatever. Not gonna think much into this one.

    I am BEAT! All that whiplash and g-force punishment is gonna take a toll when I wake up in the morning.

    If you have questions, type away. I'll answer them in the morning if I don't get to them in the next hour. Otherwise, nothing to report here. More doubting if there's anything to report in the near future either.
    Nordom and DaisyChain thanked this post.


     
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