This is a discussion on Q&A about dating INTPs, and INTP dating: within the INTP Forum - The Thinkers forums, part of the NT's Temperament Forum- The Intellects category; Originally Posted by tanjorstr I'm 18 and about to be a junior in university... Why do I feel like I'm ...
Hmm...you're probably right, but I can't accept that as I'm too young haha :P One of those things...
But that makes sense. Unfortunately, I have little patience. So is there nothing I can do about that right now? Are love and genuine romantic relationships just inaccessible to youths?
I can do that... Like training wheels. Useful for learning about myself and about other people a bit but overall not the most important things in the world :)
Also, I haven't been treating relationships as substantially meaningful and necessary for me to live and find purpose in life. I've just been wondering lately why they don't seem to work or seem to work in this way for me. I like the way you described that...learning experiences. Thank you! :D
When I said he is a man of action, I mean that he is always doing something for me or for my kids. If I call and ask him to fix something, he does not hesitate. If he goes to a get together and I have to work, he brings me food home. If he says he is going to do something he does it. Its obvious that he cares to say the least. But as to how he feels beyond that I really don't know. These posts aren't some sort of search for validation of whether I should stay or anything like that.
I guess what I'm really trying to figure out is how to better communicate with him. How to get him to open up more. I think I said it before...I know with this type they do things in their own time. If he doesn't tell me he loves me soon, its not the end of the world. He is my best friend and I trust him more than anything. But I want him to know he can trust me too. He says he doesn't say I love you anymore because in his past relationships he has been hurt when he said it. So now he only says "This is it." That completely confuses me. This is it as in "this is what to expect?" I'm fine with the situation and have no plans to leave him. "This is it, " as in I'm the one? Or "this is it," I've been hurt and I'm too afraid to say it. We talk about all sorts of stuff, but not really about anything of serious. If it starts to turn that way, he quickly changes the subject. Sorry for the ramblings as I'm tired. I'm just curious to get other's opinions. Thanks for reading. :)
What you say about your feelings towards this person you mentioned suddenly 'turning off', I've recently had that, too. A friend I'd been very close to and long-distance-bff'd for a good year and a half (in total we'd known each other five years or so).
At some point, things just turned around and basically, suddenly I didn't matter anymore, if I got hurt, no care, no fucks to give. I did what I could to see if there were any misunderstandings and possibly salvage things, but once I got a clear answer of 'no', it was... surprisingly easy to let go. My emotions ran rampant for a while, but I never felt like I wanted to turn back time. It didn't work out for a reason, I'd say. I tried, we both gave it a chance, it wasn't meant to be.
You deserve to find someone who's 'with you' on the basic things, you're right in not wishing to settle for someone who thinks being cruel to a friend is ok for whatever sort of excuse.
In my teenage years I had my small slow tryouts of the dating game. Twice I met someone that just 'clicked' in the manner of 'hey, this is fun, we get along, we're not weirding each other out and it's comfortable to do stuff together'. Like you say, they're excellent training wheels, they're opportunities to learn what you like, to figure out what you really want and what not, to slowly make your way into some confidence in this behind-the-screens personal, intimate give-and-take game that people play while looking for a mate/just sex/a buddy.
I did notice that I, too, seemed to be rather fixated on some level of long-lastingness. The friends I 'dated' in our own geeky manner where mutual try-outs, brief crushes, a good time together, but when push came to shove and I was asked if it was to go further, I said no, and ended in good friendship. Just follow your instincts with that, and never grow wary of communicating.
You're still young, so am I technically, and it can sometimes really ache inside to find this one person you wish you could stay with until you're old and wrinkly. Not everyone has such ideals, not everyone has such aspirations, but hey, they're out there, those who'll have the desire and the guts to enter such a commitment, to at least take it seriously and try things out. I suppose ideally you'd have been more at peace with temporary bonds for a little while longer, but hey, everyone their own thing, their own tempo.
Take your time, try not to feel too rushed, you're quicker in it than many others. But I'm quite sure you'll find someone someday who can handle that wish of yours in good faith and with realistic expectations, someone who'll like you and you can like back.
I found mine, I think, and I still can't quite seem capable of daring to believe it just yet. It's wonderful.
I've had high school romances, two to be precise and the only two "serious" relationships that actually developed into relationships, but meh. At least from what I can tell from that age, guys are usually not worth it. Men develop slower than women when it comes to cognition, ergo the stereotype that men are more immature than women during high school and college.
It can be nice to have the experience of a relationship but generally speaking I am not sure I miss them anymore. First one was a douche, second one douche but a little less douche (I was madly in love with him though). Also, if you're that young your Fe is still almost non-existent. Unless you hook up with another NT guy chances are they will probably be a little disappointed because of your lack of showing physical intimacy etc. Pretty sure the second douche was an INFP which probably explains a lot why I liked him so much and he made me realize my love for NFs in general. There is something very attractive to me about their tender sensitivity.
Like nadja wrote, relationships during high school and college are more kinda out of convenience than for the sake of really caring for another human for most of the part. If you don't have any issues about sex (feeling asexual and think sexual organs are the most gross things found on the human body - I still think that way lulz) and would like to explore, dive in I suppose. But don't expect it to last because it will most likely not.
And I suppose - do follow the stereotype and hook up with an older guy. It will totally be worth it from a maturity viewpoint.
Thanks for the response. this was slightly useful, but I guess really the only thing I can do is go with what I feel...which kinda leaves me back where I started. At any rate, at least I may know a bit more going into some "relationships"/romantic interactions than I previously knew. I guess I forgot to say that I'm in my third year of college, by the way, and looking for something long lasting isn't surprising considering I'm almost out of my undergraduate stuff and on to the rest of my life (whatever that means when other people say it...not something I normally say). I guess my problem is I'm just not sure whether to let myself fall in love or not, because right now love seems like a decision mostly to me. I take the idea from a movie, Dan in Real Life, and while it comes from a movie it's still someone's idea of love, and I agree with it to an extent. So...I guess I'm just unsure about whether or not I can actually love or feel much care for anyone if I can just detach myself so easily and move on so quickly. It's like I process emotions faster than I should sometimes...
Also, I should point out that I'm not actually an INTP. Well... I am, but it's like I can and do sometimes feel as much as a feeler, and my T is kinda on the border between T and F, so that might make a difference. Sometimes I feel like my personality isn't static/stable enough and is too dynamic and fluctuating depending on situations. (Sorry if I sound a bit self-centered and self-pitying. Rest assured I don't pity myself very much.)
I know how you feel. I've just taken my masters so I'm a grad now. Basically, either you meet a guy or gal you like or you don't. We INTPs like it slow so if you like each other it will most likely come rather naturally to you eventually if the relationship is mean to go in that direction.