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This is a discussion on Q&A about dating INTPs, and INTP dating: within the INTP Forum - The Thinkers forums, part of the NT's Temperament Forum- The Intellects category; Originally Posted by greenstone Yes, I can see that defense mechanism. Well, I'm 19 and he is 24. I wrote ...

  1. #5521

    Quote Originally Posted by greenstone View Post
    Yes, I can see that defense mechanism. Well, I'm 19 and he is 24. I wrote this list a week ago and I'll tell you, the pros were screaming real loud in quantity. I know that I won't be with him on the long run and God knows I don't keep my defenses down, I'm still learning how to deal with relationships properly and accept that this is a process I'll have to grow through. All I want to do is to show him that we can have a good time without being disrespectful, and I'll have to woman the fuck up and tell him that he's not being nice. The thing is that we seldom have a quiet time and I don't want to discuss these issues with him in front of everyone.
    Take him on a walk and lay it on him that he's not nice and help him work on things. My brother actually did that with his wife years ago because she's not a nice person, in general, and pretty much wouldn't talk to anyone but him in our presence.

  2. #5522

    Quote Originally Posted by ethylene View Post
    Always make the SWOT analysis. Always. I had not and it had cost me sooooo much time, money, damages self-esteem and bureucracy (not necessarily your case, but you get the gist).
    I see where you're coming from. Well, it's nothing serious, just a college thing. Let's share my analysis then:

    Strenghts:
    compatibility
    good friendship
    I don't find him boring or discharging
    familiarity
    connection

    Weaknesses:
    shyness
    defensiveness
    suspicion

    Opportunities:
    experiencing passion
    intense sex
    connection

    Threats:
    being at the mercy of his desires
    feeling disappointed

  3. #5523

    Quote Originally Posted by Doktorin Zylinder View Post
    Take him on a walk and lay it on him that he's not nice and help him work on things. My brother actually did that with his wife years ago because she's not a nice person, in general, and pretty much wouldn't talk to anyone but him in our presence.
    Yes, I think I'll just tell him something like "hey, you know that thing you do on my thigh? not cool"

    What happened after your brother talked to her?

  4. #5524

    Quote Originally Posted by greenstone View Post
    Yes, I think I'll just tell him something like "hey, you know that thing you do on my thigh? not cool"

    What happened after your brother talked to her?
    Well, I was disowned, so I don't know much, anymore, but last I heard, she talks to my father when she wants something and still hasn't spoken to my mother even though she's been married to by brother for a decade. She did talk to me a few times, though, but that was years ago.

  5. #5525

    Quote Originally Posted by Doktorin Zylinder View Post
    Well, I was disowned, so I don't know much, anymore, but last I heard, she talks to my father when she wants something and still hasn't spoken to my mother even though she's been married to by brother for a decade. She did talk to me a few times, though, but that was years ago.
    Sorry to hear that.
    That seems to be a pathological problem. Chronic bitchness.
    Doktorin Zylinder thanked this post.

  6. #5526
    INTP


    Quote Originally Posted by greenstone View Post
    Well, he is quietly douchey as in: touching my thighs when greeting me. That's the only thing, but bothers and degrates me.
    Have you told him you hate it when he does this?

  7. #5527

    an INTP worth his guts won't keep doing something that's making other people he cares about uncomfortable. You should make it clear to him what you like and don't like about his behaviour.

    If he is fixated on being an asshole he is either mistyped or he is doesn't care about you.
    Necrilia, Strelok, Ialti and 1 others thanked this post.

  8. #5528

    Quote Originally Posted by greenstone View Post
    Weaknesses:
    shyness
    Why is that a weakness?
    Necrilia thanked this post.

  9. #5529
    INTP - The Thinkers

    Quote Originally Posted by greenstone View Post
    I've been into this guy for a year now and we've hooked up twice 11 months ago.
    I came to know that I have certain feelings for him and he seems to feel this way too
    .
    However, there's a huge lack of constancy. One day he carries that cute aura: looks deep into my eyes, talks softly, looks nervous around me, I even catch him staring at me and at other times he's douchy: slides his hand across my legs when greeting me, seems all closed and defensive.
    [Observation: it often changes depending on who we're with. When we're alone of with close friends, he acts cute. When we're with too many people or who he doesn't know well, he's douchey.]

    With that, I don't know what to do. I really want to get this going and I'm aware that I'll have to make the move first, but his douchey side just makes me mad and proud enough not to go after him.

    Quote Originally Posted by greenstone View Post
    Well, he is quietly douchey as in: touching my thighs when greeting me. That's the only thing, but bothers and degrates me. He's not always like this, I'd say he's less of a douche than a nice friend. But, when he acts like that, I just feel down, you know? haha it's hard to see both positive and negative aspects of him so clearly. I don't want to have a relationship or whatever, just a good time with him, but he seems defensive about it, even scared of getting into trouble.
    Ok. If you have feelings for this guy, but also don't want a relationship, and if you hooked up twice 11 months ago...

    Alright. You see where there might be some mixed messages there?

    So.
    Step 1. Tell him to knock it off with the pawing. It's embarrassing for both him and you, and there's no world in which playing alpha male with weird "gropes hello" is either cool or justified.
    Step 2. Figure out what you actually want. Actually you should probably do this eleven months ago. Thennnn...
    Step 3. Clearly and bluntly communicate what it is that you're expecting from him. Barriers, time frame, friendship, emotional needs, the works. Either that'll work for him or it won't; but at least you'll know where you stand. And that's really really really important.

    Of course this is all assuming that you and he haven't really had that kind of talk before. Because you said "I don't want to have a relationship or whatever... but he seems defensive about it" I'm assuming that you probably addressed the issue once, but you probably didn't know exactly what you wanted (and that's because of your phrasing when you said "I came to know that I have certain feelings for him") at the time, and he's getting a little close for comfort. Which probably means he wants/thinks he has more than you're willing to give? And also that his ideas of "normal relationship" aren't exactly the same as yours; as in, he's getting creepy in public? The second part is all on him. The first is da both of yus.
    Necrilia and greenstone thanked this post.

  10. #5530

    Quote Originally Posted by Eryngo View Post
    Have you told him you hate it when he does this?
    I just did. He seemed embarrassed and said promptly that he'd stop. Actually, I just mentioned it and he said "you want me to stop, right?" I'm pretty happy about the result.
    Ialti and Eryngo thanked this post.


     

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