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This is a discussion on Q&A about dating INTPs, and INTP dating: within the INTP Forum - The Thinkers forums, part of the NT's Temperament Forum- The Intellects category; Originally Posted by idealjane Are INTPs normally flirty like this, or is this something typically reserved for someone you are ...

  1. #581
    INTP - The Thinkers

    Quote Originally Posted by idealjane View Post
    Are INTPs normally flirty like this, or is this something typically reserved for someone you are attracted to?
    There are some of us who've conquered the dating game as part of their skill tree, but from the sound of that, sounds like it's much too genuine and close to himself to be that sort of pretendy game.

    Overall: nope, we definitely, definitely don't do that with just about anyone, if we ever dare to go that far at all. All of that sounds a LOT like the sort of hints-giving we can get up to, the little prods to try and find out if we're being appreciated and understood. Best feeling in the world when we find out there's a connection. *heart aflutter*
    DaisyChain, Entropic and idealjane thanked this post.

  2. #582
    INTP - The Thinkers

    Quote Originally Posted by SA1988 View Post
    My girlfriend continually worries because she says I'm too much of a nice guy to everyone, so girls might think I like them when actually I'm just being my normal 'nice guy' self and I don't like them at all.

    INTPs are good at being nice to everyone, and in particular they 'mirror' other peoples' styles, as a way of creating some form of social equilibrium.

    So you need to figure out if he's just mirroring your 'loving' style or if he's actually into you.

    As an INTP, I can say that he's probably either totally devoted to his partner, or he's stuck with her and hasn't ended the relationship because he's too nice to cause a stir and tells himself 'it's not so bad really'.

    So you need to figure out how he feels. The best thing to do is find out what he thinks of his partner. Also try saying really subtle things to show you like him. If he likes you too, then all he needs to know is that you like him back and you'll have him hooked.

    However if he doesn't actually like you in that way then... hmm... nothing bad will happen if he knows you like him. In fact he'll probably be nicer to you in a strange, guilty way, where he doesn't mean to have been guilty but just wants to make sure you feel okay about not getting what you wanted.
    My INTP buddy's one of those 'nice guys'. He's kind, friendly, patient... but there's always a distance that doesn't hang between me and him in those situations. There's a difference between being chivalrous and thoughtful, and truly opening up a little bit, and, ironically, daring to be *less* nice than the constant front of amiability.

    Methinks the moment you can think of a guy and he's 'always nice' and just never seems to express dissatisfaction or frustration, fear or despair, that's a good sign there's still some distance. Us INTPs can be harsher about our own emotional weaknesses, and pretty ashamed about 'lacking', about struggling with things that rationally don't make sense, emotions getting in the way of how we'd like to be able to deal with problems.
    'FUCK I feel so idiotically bad, this isn't helping, I want to stop feeling bad and move on I hate this, no don't take me seriously I wished we could all just ignore how bad I'm feeling and maybe it'll just go away then'.

    We can be quite annoyed about ourselves, and in turn annoyed that we're annoyed and ashamed to admit we don't have it all figured out and wary of sounding like idiots that keep overthinking everything and argh-
    For 'nice guys' it can be quite the hurdle to 'emburden you with these awkward unimportant fusses'.

    The more you close the gap, the more you might be let into those doubts and worries and frustrations, and the good things, too, those mushy romantic ideas and the dreams and hopes and irrational small cautious wants and desires.

  3. #583
    INTP - The Thinkers

    Quote Originally Posted by idealjane View Post
    And there is definitely this very long, drawn out luring thing which started off with just some inside jokes and stuff, but it has become more "flirty" of late, more innuendo-ish, and I could swear he's been hugging me just a bit longer than he used to (and he's not a hugger). I am definitely following him with this "luring" as it is so much fun and makes me feel really good and warm inside, and it's so subtle that I find it irresistable. And yes, I find he giggles around me (and I around him) nearly constantly, which is a behaviour not present in his other friendships that I have seen. Are INTPs normally flirty like this, or is this something typically reserved for someone you are attracted to?
    *sigh* I can relate big time although it was somewhat reversed. I worked with an INFP and we played those same sort of games and chatted a few times a week. Lots and lots of innuendo too. Most of it was because she just had a filthy mouth, but she definitely liked me, and got me to flirt back -it took months though before I was comfortable for numerous reasons. I stayed away from hanging out one on one because she was having marital problems and was starting to become more and more direct in her overtures. Turns out she cheated on her husband a few months after I deliberately cooled things off.

    Hopefully something works out in the future with you and him if your observations are correct.

    Just one other thing to keep in mind. If things are really great with his sig other, a lot of that good feeling and "flirtiness" could be because of that. I have definitely misjudged women "flirting" with me to just having lots of extra goodwill to spread around for everyone. Personally I'm a billion times nicer to everyone when I'm semi in love, and start high fiving strangers, and returning phone calls.
    rakstamgalds, DaisyChain, Entropic and 2 others thanked this post.

  4. #584
    INFP - The Idealists

    First, I just want to thank all of you for your helpful insight. I appreciate your time and consideration of my issue.

    As an INTP, I can say that he's probably either totally devoted to his partner, or he's stuck with her and hasn't ended the relationship because he's too nice to cause a stir and tells himself 'it's not so bad really'.

    So you need to figure out how he feels. The best thing to do is find out what he thinks of his partner.
    Just one other thing to keep in mind. If things are really great with his sig other, a lot of that good feeling and "flirtiness" could be because of that. I have definitely misjudged women "flirting" with me to just having lots of extra goodwill to spread around for everyone. Personally I'm a billion times nicer to everyone when I'm semi in love, and start high fiving strangers, and returning phone calls.
    Ok, so I've asked him both indirectly and directly about his feelings for his SO before and I'm not sure what to make of it. He wrote this love song (using a technique I had recently told him was my favourite- again, don't want to read into this something that's not there) a few months ago, and he never writes love songs. When he played it for me, I asked him the simple question of who it was about. He's always very quick to answer, but he seemed to be buying time, and he was all like "what do you mean?" So I asked again who the song was about, and he was like "oh, it's about SO, I guess." So I said to him that I thought it was wonderful he felt so in love with SO to write this song and that he is lucky to have found someone he feels that strongly about. He said "I guess" and that it wasn't necessarily about being in love but that his SO asked him to write them. After me probing a bit more, he stated that he is married now but does not think it will last forever. He quickly emasculates anyone my friends set me up with, but is also clear that he has made a commitment and once told me "I am not allowed to sleep with other people because I made a vow." Again, not that I was asking, because I'm not interested in beginning a relationship that way.

    Also, we were talking once about the people in my life not always loving me for who I am as much as for what they can get from me, and he snuck in the comment that he loved me in a much healthier way, which is the first time I've heard that from him. He did not indicate if this was as a friend or what. On the other hand, he has made a clear distinction out loud once or twice that I am not his spouse, which is true, but also seemed an unnecessary thing to say at the time. I can't tell if he is trying to tell me, without saying it directly, that he doesn't feel that way about me, or if maybe he does feel that way about me and is trying to keep a healthy boundary there so that he doesn't break his commitment.

    All of that sounds a LOT like the sort of hints-giving we can get up to, the little prods to try and find out if we're being appreciated and understood. Best feeling in the world when we find out there's a connection. *heart aflutter*
    Thanks for this comment. It really is the best feeling in the world to find that connection. If only there weren't roadblocks. However I am trying to trust that what will happen will happen in the right time, or not, and that life will go on either way.

    My INTP buddy's one of those 'nice guys'. He's kind, friendly, patient... but there's always a distance that doesn't hang between me and him in those situations. There's a difference between being chivalrous and thoughtful, and truly opening up a little bit, and, ironically, daring to be *less* nice than the constant front of amiability.
    Methinks the moment you can think of a guy and he's 'always nice' and just never seems to express dissatisfaction or frustration, fear or despair, that's a good sign there's still some distance. Us INTPs can be harsher about our own emotional weaknesses, and pretty ashamed about 'lacking', about struggling with things that rationally don't make sense, emotions getting in the way of how we'd like to be able to deal with problems.
    'FUCK I feel so idiotically bad, this isn't helping, I want to stop feeling bad and move on I hate this, no don't take me seriously I wished we could all just ignore how bad I'm feeling and maybe it'll just go away then'.

    We can be quite annoyed about ourselves, and in turn annoyed that we're annoyed and ashamed to admit we don't have it all figured out and wary of sounding like idiots that keep overthinking everything and argh-
    For 'nice guys' it can be quite the hurdle to 'emburden you with these awkward unimportant fusses'.
    The more you close the gap, the more you might be let into those doubts and worries and frustrations, and the good things, too, those mushy romantic ideas and the dreams and hopes and irrational small cautious wants and desires.
    I would say the distance gets shorter and shorter. I would never have called him a "nice guy" or "chivalrous" as a defining characteristic. But for a long while he was always very "professional" when dealing with feelings. A while ago, something came up in his life that caused him great stress, and he sort of unleashed his previously unspoken stressed feelings on me all at once, and apologized later, admitting that it was him and not me. I got the impression at the time that he was trying to seem all together or not show me his weaknesses/bad moods. Since then, he is much more open about his fears and worries, and is much more honest about his goals, priorities. We have talked at length about his true desires and how to achieve them, which is so satisfying to me as I feel honoured to be a part of his process. I guess my feeling is that he is letting me in a lot more now.

    I really can't tell if he has feelings for me or just simply doesn't mind that I have feelings for him. I wrote this song which was really sexy and played it for him. He kind of just stared at me for awhile, and then made a joke which emasculated this guy was seeing. Not sure what any of this means.
    Nordom thanked this post.

  5. #585
    INTJ - The Scientists

    Quote Originally Posted by idealjane View Post

    "I am not allowed to sleep with other people because I made a vow." Again, not that I was asking, because I'm not interested in beginning a relationship that way.

    I can't tell if he is trying to tell me, without saying it directly, that he doesn't feel that way about me, or if maybe he does feel that way about me and is trying to keep a healthy boundary there so that he doesn't break his commitment.
    My 2 cents.

    I am a thinker therefore I will stick to my commitment regardless of how I feel.

    Especially when I am in a relationship, I can convince myself that its only friends because I know I'm in a relationship, and you are aware that I am in a relationship, so it can only be friends for us. There are times where I just click with certain people, and they are so fun to be around, and I enjoy joking with them and being with them. But my perception of your intentions have been written in stone, therefore I will take every flirt, and joke as what you are to me. A friend.

    The way to change that perception is by you clearly and objectively saying that there is something more on your side.

    but I've never cheated on a SO, and I don't think it's even possible for me.

    But if a friend whom I really click with tells me she likes me, I'd consider breaking the first relationship, and then going out with that girl. (cause Im an asshole)
    Last edited by mr. rozay; 06-26-2012 at 12:25 PM. Reason: to all the grammer nazi's... suck it.
    Nordom, Graficcha, idealjane and 1 others thanked this post.

  6. #586
    INFP - The Idealists

    This is really sound advice, Mr. Rozay. I guess I'm just going to have to take a risk if I want to un-friend-zone myself :) Again, thanks to everyone for your help. As always, INTPs have come through with the best information!
    mr. rozay thanked this post.

  7. #587
    ISTP - The Mechanics

    First post, Happy to find others that look at things from a similar perspective because no one else understands my thought processes! Was getting a little hopeless.

    Anyway, I may be a little different because I developed my S quite a bit. (think i'm using that right) But when for me, when I like someone I will actually go out of my way to contact them. If an INTP is contacting you, that's a pretty good sign because we don't have as much of a need to socialize, so reaching out to someone is significant. Also, if they're giving you even 5 minutes more of conversation than normally observed, they seem to smile more when speaking to you, even just the fact that we notice you is a sign that we may be interested.

    As for INTPs that are looking to date, I know for us we want to be sure about our relationships. Don't want to invest time and energy into someone without knowing that it's true, however as a male, I've learned that we have to move quickly. Like start to physically escalate within in a month, and if aren't getting farther up the ladder in terms of touching and such, then move on. A month is usually a good time frame to know whether or not someone is interested in you.

    Personally, I had a hard time with small talk. (Why am I going to ask about your day when niether of us really care? If you wanna talk about something with me, ASK!) But I came a realization that small talk is a way of finding something to talk about with someone else. I had to confirm that with others who more socially adept, haha. I like this thread, alot of theories and thoughts flow along the lines of relationships and the interaction of men and women. I could go all day, but I have to go to work.

    Again, happy to find this forum.
    mr. rozay, idealjane and CuriousMan thanked this post.

  8. #588
    INTJ - The Scientists

    Quote Originally Posted by idealjane View Post
    This is really sound advice, Mr. Rozay. I guess I'm just going to have to take a risk if I want to un-friend-zone myself :) Again, thanks to everyone for your help. As always, INTPs have come through with the best information!
    I wouldn't say you're exactly friend zoned. More of a potential, but because of my commitments these are my boundaries.
    Iselia, idealjane and Daevor thanked this post.

  9. #589
    INFP - The Idealists

    Thank-you for the clarification, that's a little more hopeful. Hmm...now to figure out how to respect his boundaries and still make it clear how I feel...

  10. #590
    INTJ - The Scientists

    Quote Originally Posted by idealjane View Post
    Thank-you for the clarification, that's a little more hopeful. Hmm...now to figure out how to respect his boundaries and still make it clear how I feel...
    in all honesty, if he's married then I wouldn't even do that. The odds are against you, on top of you losing a good friend, and business partner. If he does leave his wife to be with you, then how do you know he wouldn't do the same to you if he found someone else? Feelings eventually fade (we know that, so we take that into consideration when we make our commitments).

    If he's not married... then go right ahead. Just ask him if he sees you as something more-than a friend in the future. It's safe, and you don't really make yourself vulnerable.
    Nordom, DaisyChain, idealjane and 1 others thanked this post.


     
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