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This is a discussion on Q&A about dating INTPs, and INTP dating: within the INTP Forum - The Thinkers forums, part of the NT's Temperament Forum- The Intellects category; Originally Posted by Marimeli Get out of my head. :) We INFPs DO have a tendency to latch on. And ...

  1. #601
    Unknown Personality

    Quote Originally Posted by Marimeli View Post
    Get out of my head. :)

    We INFPs DO have a tendency to latch on. And then they consume so much of our energy and time thinking about it, and the situation, and what should I say, and how does he feel, to the point that every conversation ends up elating or depressing you. And trying NOT to analyze every detail of them doing something that SEEMS meaningful (but was it? but he knew that... but i'm reading into...except i told him...) It's not that you don't know what you should do; it's that you can't imagine what would be left behind after.

    Lord, I don't think I can say anything to help, because God knows when I've been through this (a lot) nothing anyone said, no matter how reasonable, really made a dent in it until it ran its course one way or another. But GIRL i've been there. Solidarity is a small comfort but a comfort nonetheless. :)

    And if I'm totally off base, I'll be crazy over here in my little corner by myself :P
    You aren't off base at all. This is what makes me think i am an INFP.
    Marimeli and idealjane thanked this post.

  2. #602
    ISTJ - The Duty Fulfillers

    Quote Originally Posted by kikikins View Post
    Yeah it's amazing how something so obvious is overlooked. That book was pretty spot on. I think there should be a book called She's Not that into You since the door swings both ways. I wasn't digging how the author alienated women while giving men so much power over the dating game.
    What I got out of it was that his message to women was: "You are too fabulous to put up with a POS like this guy."

  3. #603
    Unknown Personality

    Quote Originally Posted by DaisyChain View Post
    What I got out of it was that his message to women was: "You are too fabulous to put up with a POS like this guy."
    That's a good healthy message to get out of it.
    DaisyChain and idealjane thanked this post.

  4. #604
    INFP - The Idealists

    We INFPs DO have a tendency to latch on. And then they consume so much of our energy and time thinking about it, and the situation, and what should I say, and how does he feel, to the point that every conversation ends up elating or depressing you. And trying NOT to analyze every detail of them doing something that SEEMS meaningful
    Yes- you know exactly what it's like to live in my head! And the elation-depression roller coaster is so intense. Lately I've been doing a lot more yoga to just give myself a break from that headspace and focus on me for a while. The thing is, I usually intuitively know how people feel about me- I tend to know when people like me or don't or are attracted to me and so it is really rare when I find someone I can't read. And then it's like this puzzle that I just have to figure out and it feels like solving the puzzle will bring all the pieces out there in the universe together and I will finally get it. LOL- of course I know it doesn't work that way, but it feels that way. But when others are so much easier to read, and he is this enigma, it's very hard to move past it- I just want to know him completely and solve the puzzle. I have a sister I am really close with who is also an INTP, and I find her fascinating as well- obviously in a different way- but I just can't wait to spend time with her and find out what she is thinking. It's almost as if I can read everyone else but INTPs and so they are the people who most intrigue me and satisfy my desire for intellectual stimulation.

    Maybe read the book "He's Just Not That Into You". A real eye-opener, but in a good way.
    At first I thought "ouch" but then as I've been thinking more about it, I am realizing the point here, which is that it really doesn't matter if he's in love with me or not; what matters is if he is willing to do something about it. And at this time, he's not, so I have the answer I need for now. I will check out the book- thank you for the idea!
    Marimeli and DaisyChain thanked this post.

  5. #605
    ISTJ - The Duty Fulfillers

    Quote Originally Posted by idealjane View Post


    At first I thought "ouch" but then as I've been thinking more about it, I am realizing the point here, which is that it really doesn't matter if he's in love with me or not; what matters is if he is willing to do something about it. And at this time, he's not, so I have the answer I need for now. I will check out the book- thank you for the idea!
    Yes, sorry - I should have elaborated. The ISTJ bluntness comes across the wrong way... The book is meant to lift you up, not cut you down. It's a message of empowerment and standing up for your needs.

  6. #606
    INTP - The Thinkers

    I've had difficulties with relationships (as most INTPs).

    All of the girls I've dated, I met online. And I don't know if I subconciously pick them from a list or what but there's deffinetily a pattern. They were all Taurus. They were all short, loved to eat but it din't reflect on their figure. The last two even had the same birthday and name lol. And all of the realtionships ended in the exact same manner.

    The first girl I dated was my first love. She was smart, sexy, playful and pervy. We were pretty new to this whole relationship thing (we were firsts) and there were some awkward moments. The thing is they didn't feel awkward, we had so much fun together. We didn't really fight at all but she got depressed sometimes and she eventually dumped me via chat. I was baffled because the way I saw it our relationship was pretty damn good. But we were kids, so...yeah. We ocassionaly see each other but I don't like that because I still have feelings for her. Dated for about 2 1/2 months. She was probably ESTP/ISTP.

    The second girl I dated I didn't like that much but I still cared for. Dated for 2 weeks. She dumped me via Skype.

    The last girl was amazing. I met her when I was going through a depression and she helped me a lot. We started dating exaclty 2 years ago. It was probably the best time of my life. She was so energetic, funny, clever, talked a lot and...girly overall. We had so many beautiful moments, we made a list of stuff we should do together. We had such an understanding although we were very different. There was one problem though. She was too outgoing, had so many friends and saw that as "her" time. I wanted to see her as much as possible. Actually it's the way I am in all my relationships. I want to be with the person all the time or at least, as much as possible. The way I see it, if you really like someone, you should dedicate most of your time to them. She had a different point of view. We had an argument about that once or twice. Dated for about 2 months. Again, dumped on Skype. ESFP/ENFP?

    I either go for the wrong type or expect my girlfirends to be too clingy. I have a fear of rejection and maybe they sense that, so they leave me when it's not too serious yet. Or they feel like I tire them and limit their freedom. Not exactly sure because I don't understand it. All I want is a serious relationship where I know I can count on the other person and they care for me.

  7. #607
    INFP - The Idealists

    I wanted to see her as much as possible. Actually it's the way I am in all my relationships. I want to be with the person all the time or at least, as much as possible. The way I see it, if you really like someone, you should dedicate most of your time to them. She had a different point of view.
    The INTP in my life also likes to spend as much time as possible with the people who matter most to him. But this is a quality that I really cherish in him because he is so consistent in his attentions (texting and hanging out nearly every day) that it makes me feel like I matter to him, and quite frankly, I love spending this much time with him. There is this book I read and shared with him a while ago called "The 5 love languages" which we found interesting. It turns out the best way to find happiness in a relationship is to find out what your love language is (how you prefer giving and receiving love) and what your partner's is. The five languages are touch, gift giving, acts of service, verbal affection, and quality time. I am a touch and verbal affection person, as an INFP, and he identified himself as a quality time person, which sounds very similar to you. Once we understood our differences, interpreting each other's behaviours and intentions was so much easier. It also became easier for me to communicate in his love language and he in mine. I really wish you the best. I'm certain you will find someone who loves quality time too- perhaps try an INFP, lol.
    Marimeli and Neuroticon thanked this post.

  8. #608
    INTP - The Thinkers

    Quote Originally Posted by Neuroticon View Post
    I've had difficulties with relationships (as most INTPs).

    All of the girls I've dated, I met online. And I don't know if I subconciously pick them from a list or what but there's deffinetily a pattern. They were all Taurus. They were all short, loved to eat but it din't reflect on their figure. The last two even had the same birthday and name lol. And all of the realtionships ended in the exact same manner.

    The first girl I dated was my first love. She was smart, sexy, playful and pervy. We were pretty new to this whole relationship thing (we were firsts) and there were some awkward moments. The thing is they didn't feel awkward, we had so much fun together. We didn't really fight at all but she got depressed sometimes and she eventually dumped me via chat. I was baffled because the way I saw it our relationship was pretty damn good. But we were kids, so...yeah. We ocassionaly see each other but I don't like that because I still have feelings for her. Dated for about 2 1/2 months. She was probably ESTP/ISTP.

    The second girl I dated I didn't like that much but I still cared for. Dated for 2 weeks. She dumped me via Skype.

    The last girl was amazing. I met her when I was going through a depression and she helped me a lot. We started dating exaclty 2 years ago. It was probably the best time of my life. She was so energetic, funny, clever, talked a lot and...girly overall. We had so many beautiful moments, we made a list of stuff we should do together. We had such an understanding although we were very different. There was one problem though. She was too outgoing, had so many friends and saw that as "her" time. I wanted to see her as much as possible. Actually it's the way I am in all my relationships. I want to be with the person all the time or at least, as much as possible. The way I see it, if you really like someone, you should dedicate most of your time to them. She had a different point of view. We had an argument about that once or twice. Dated for about 2 months. Again, dumped on Skype. ESFP/ENFP?

    I either go for the wrong type or expect my girlfirends to be too clingy. I have a fear of rejection and maybe they sense that, so they leave me when it's not too serious yet. Or they feel like I tire them and limit their freedom. Not exactly sure because I don't understand it. All I want is a serious relationship where I know I can count on the other person and they care for me.
    Hm, can't add that much beside two things:

    You didn't really specify if you exclusively talked to these peeps online or just met them via chat and then met up IRL. In my case I 'meet' people a lot but sheer distance keeps me from seeing them.

    There's this 'thing' with having a steady, stable, secure relationship of enough mutual trust that not spending time together doesn't send you loopy with anxiety and doubts. Consider this, try to see the needs of the other, try to maybe see that having an independent life on top of the shared relationship is a healthy part of staying together without being smothered, and continuing to have experiences apart, that you can share later.

    Okay, three things.
    Not many young people have a desire to enter a stable monogamous relationship in all seriousness yet. This narrows your options, but for a relationship to work, you'll want to be on the same line in how serious you wish to be about it. Perhaps you feel pressed and anxious because you could already tell these girls you dated weren't interested in the long-term?

    I know I won't settle for less than 'we'll both try to make this work, for real, living, working, being together, because that's what we want'.
    Neuroticon thanked this post.

  9. #609
    INTP - The Thinkers

    Thanks for the responses!

    Yeah, I think the quality time desribes best my situation, but I really like touch and giving gifts as well. If I can find an INFP it might work, but it's still hard for me to define types lol.

    And I talked to the them for some time online before I met them irl. I try to make compromises as well, never did I say "Me or your friends - choose" or anything along those lines. But seeing each other once or twice a week for like a few hours isn't close to enough in my eyes. And yeah, the "young and serious relationship" thing that everybody tells me. Well, they all got one right after me so touché :/ Maybe I actually need a girl that is older than me.

  10. #610
    INFP - The Idealists

    Quote Originally Posted by idealjane View Post
    Yes- you know exactly what it's like to live in my head! And the elation-depression roller coaster is so intense. Lately I've been doing a lot more yoga to just give myself a break from that headspace and focus on me for a while. The thing is, I usually intuitively know how people feel about me- I tend to know when people like me or don't or are attracted to me and so it is really rare when I find someone I can't read. And then it's like this puzzle that I just have to figure out and it feels like solving the puzzle will bring all the pieces out there in the universe together and I will finally get it. LOL- of course I know it doesn't work that way, but it feels that way. But when others are so much easier to read, and he is this enigma, it's very hard to move past it- I just want to know him completely and solve the puzzle. I have a sister I am really close with who is also an INTP, and I find her fascinating as well- obviously in a different way- but I just can't wait to spend time with her and find out what she is thinking. It's almost as if I can read everyone else but INTPs and so they are the people who most intrigue me and satisfy my desire for intellectual stimulation.!
    Yep, that's probably why my romantic past is strewn with the love-corpses of many an INTP. I feel exactly the same way about them, and that intriguing unreadability can drive you crazy when you later have no idea how they feel about you or what went wrong when/if it all blows up in your face. Which is why I developed romantic bluntness as a defense mechanism. I wonder if INFPs are intriguing to INTPs in a similar way?

    I love that book "the five love languages," though, btw. People DO tend to show love the way they wish people would love them instead of loving people the way the other people wish to be loved. I actually have three love languages (physical touch scores highest, closely followed by words of affirmation and quality time). 3/5. And of COURSE I married a guy whose love language is acts if service. Lol. It's like speaking a foreign language, honestly, sometimes. But it DOES help you understand another person's desires and motivations.
    @Neuroticon
    being dumped on the Internet is SO DISRESPECTFUL. I'm so sorry that happened to you. I too believe that if someone really likes you, and you are important to them, you will be on their mind a lot and they will want to be with you a lot. But that's because that's how it is when I'M in love with someone. The reality is, there are lots of people who fall completely in love with someone but manage it differently...they may not think about you very much at work, for example, or they limit time with you because they're afraid to lose themselves or their identity in the relationship. And they don't understand that by not explaining that to people like us, they're making us feel tha they're relatively indifferent, in a take-us-or-leave-us kind of way. Have you ever thought about being open about this in the beginning of a relationship? Nothing gross or emo like, "I demand a minimum of one hour per day on the phone"or anything, but when all those inevitable first-datey conversations about exes come up, instead of talking about what was wrong you talk about what was right: "I really loved the way she always made a point to call after work" or "we always chatted online on Saturday mornings because it was 'our time.'" speaking personally, I hear a guy say stuff like that and I'm taking mental notes that these are ways to please him in the relationship. That might be an INFP thing but I optimistically hope, instead, that it's a natural human thing to do when you like someone and want to be with them.

    Optimism might also be an INFP thing :P
    Neuroticon thanked this post.


     
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