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This is a discussion on Q&A about dating INTPs, and INTP dating: within the INTP Forum - The Thinkers forums, part of the NT's Temperament Forum- The Intellects category; I'm here because I am deeply confused by a male INTP's behaviour and I think some advice would be useful. ...

  1. #7731

    I'm here because I am deeply confused by a male INTP's behaviour and I think some advice would be useful. Sorry for the "essay", but I wanted to explain the context (and sorry for the spelling mistakes as English is not my first language and I'm writing very quickly).

    Context:

    INTJ female, 32 years old: I've had long/serious relationships (married once to an ESTJ- longest relationship 6 years dating, 2 of them married), and also some short term, infatuations, and even one night stands. I have come to discover that what I want is a deep connection with other person, developed through time, and based on attraction to each other (not infatuation), understanding and respect, and I am willing to work on it with a person which I truly like.

    INTP male, 32 years old: his longest relationship lasted 1 year (University), the rest of relationships less than 6 months. He describes himself as "weird" and "boring", but "falls in love very quickly and intensely" and says he fucked up all these relationships.

    The issue:

    So, someone who knows us both thinks we are perfect for each other, and introduces us.

    We started to talk non-stop since Day 1, we had a good first date (just checking each other- we went together to see a soviet Sci-Fi film from 1920s, talk a little, nothing happened, but then he writed me and said he wanted to repeat). Since the first time we talked, we have been having looooong conversations every-fucking-day; we understand and get each other, we have the same interests (we love art, love music (we both play the piano), books, films...), we share the same values, we have similar lifestyles (I mean, if staying home doing "our things"- reading, working on our projects- on saturday night is a lifestyle- which I do think, of course), similar educational/career pathways (Straight A's students, he's an engineer working for a big company, I'm a journalist and lawyer working in a think tank) etc. We went on a second date, we talked for 5 hours while having dinner and at the end we kissed and ended at his place. We had a third date, everything went amazing as well, he invited me to sleep over. The following week, something triggered his anxiety and he started acting weird, but at the same time, he talked non-stop everyday and wanted to see me and "book" new dates.

    So, we went on our 4th date, everything was amazing again... until he suddenly stopped me in the middle of the street, very nervous, because he needed to "say something". He said:

    That we were perfect for each other, that knowing me had been one of the best things ever happened, that he thought I was the most intelligent person he had met, and he founded me fascinating... and, as he didn't want to "lose" what he had with me, he wanted to be honest. Then he said he didn't see a relationship with me could work because he didn't feel "chemistry", that he usually feels this "chemistry" the first 2-3 weeks (?) and go totally crazy for the girl, and so he had been feeling really sad that he didn't feel this "thing" for the most perfect girl he had found for him, all he ever wanted (I reckon it is not lack of attractiveness- though I know it could be as this is personal and he could find others more attractive of course- but I am usually considered a "canon-beauty" and even worked as a photography model).

    I told him that I was freaking out a little because 3 dates is too soon for me to discard a relationship, and that I think it is impossible to feel "in love" with someone you don't know, so if he had told me that he was in love at this very moment I would have think he was wrong and it was an irrational feeling based on nothing that only reflected a fantasy, as he didn't know me. I told him that anyway it was a licit feeling, and it was great for him to be able to feel that so soon with others, but relationships are very different and he just know one kind of relationship, and short-term, and I am afraid that this is more an "infatuation" than a "love" feeling, and I wouldn't discard something that has this potential because it lacks that feeling of infatuation. I also told him I have a different timing, and I just don't develop feelings for someone I have been dating for a month, but I saw potential. He insisted he could be "scared" and self-sabotaging... but he knows himself and we lack this "spark". We talked for a while, then I don't know why we kissed and we end up sleeping together.

    The day after I was still confused (and also hurt, because I felt like I apparently lacked something the other girls had to drive him crazy), he insisted to walked me to the underground station and he did weird things like trying to "show me the block so I could see the hospital and the national trade union building" (I was like "ok, this is weird... but cute somehow?"). Then I thought about this all the afternoon and it didn't make any sense. This feeling worsened as he was sending messages all the time trying to talk about films, sending links to art exhibitions to go together, and even stating that "someday we could watch a movie at my place together", so I told him straighforward I was very confused and needed a couple of days to think about what he said ("I don't think a relationship could work, I am telling this because I respect you and don't want to hurt your feelings in 2/3 months"), he said ok and remembered me that he still wants to have long conversations with me and hang out and "do things together" (?).

    I don't know what to do, because I think he is wrong, but at the same time I don't think I can "convince" him that relationships take time before discarding (and I can't say to him now that I think he is confunding infatuation and love, as it would mean all his relationships were somehow not-serious and it would hurt him without necessity). And of course, I feel hurt that he doesn't like me that much, and I don't want to invest the time and energy I was willing to invest, until now, into something that seemed great but would lead nowhere if he thinks so, because I don't want to get hurt in the future and I don't know how to detach emotionally from a meaningful relationship so I don't think this kind of arrangement without possibilities he proposed could be a good idea (as the things he wants to do together are bound to develop intimacy).

    I'm blocked, I don't know what to do.
    Last edited by ZharPtitsa; 08-11-2019 at 03:05 PM.
    Aridela thanked this post.

  2. #7732

    @ZharPtitsa I'm sorry, this is a tough situation to be in.

    I totally get the guy though, and I see no fault in how he handled things.

    I too, tend to get infatuated with people really fast, or not at all. Actually, if I was infatuated at some point and some times passes with nothing happening on a romantic level, I either stop seeing said person, or he moves into the friend-zone.

    I actually respect someone telling me from the get start they're not interested in me romantically instead of entering a relationship half-assedly, stringing me along for years (this has actually happened to me a few years back).

    So, it's kind of obvious what you can do at this point. You either accept what he has to offer (friendship) and stop thinking it will somehow blossom into a relationship, or just move along.

  3. #7733

    Quote Originally Posted by ZharPtitsa View Post
    I'm here because I am deeply confused by a male INTP's behaviour and I think some advice would be useful. Sorry for the "essay", but I wanted to explain the context (and sorry for the spelling mistakes as English is not my first language and I'm writing very quickly).

    Context:

    INTJ female, 32 years old: I've had long/serious relationships (married once to an ESTJ- longest relationship 6 years dating, 2 of them married), and also some short term, infatuations, and even one night stands. I have come to discover that what I want is a deep connection with other person, developed through time, and based on attraction to each other (not infatuation), understanding and respect, and I am willing to work on it with a person which I truly like.

    INTP male, 32 years old: his longest relationship lasted 1 year (University), the rest of relationships less than 6 months. He describes himself as "weird" and "boring", but "falls in love very quickly and intensely" and says he fucked up all these relationships.

    The issue:

    So, someone who knows us both thinks we are perfect for each other, and introduces us.

    We started to talk non-stop since Day 1, we had a good first date (just checking each other- we went together to see a soviet Sci-Fi film from 1920s, talk a little, nothing happened, but then he writed me and said he wanted to repeat). Since the first time we talked, we have been having looooong conversations every-fucking-day; we understand and get each other, we have the same interests (we love art, love music (we both play the piano), books, films...), we share the same values, we have similar lifestyles (I mean, if staying home doing "our things"- reading, working on our projects- on saturday night is a lifestyle- which I do think, of course), similar educational/career pathways (Straight A's students, he's an engineer working for a big company, I'm a journalist and lawyer working in a think tank) etc. We went on a second date, we talked for 5 hours while having dinner and at the end we kissed and ended at his place. We had a third date, everything went amazing as well, he invited me to sleep over. The following week, something triggered his anxiety and he started acting weird, but at the same time, he talked non-stop everyday and wanted to see me and "book" new dates.

    So, we went on our 4th date, everything was amazing again... until he suddenly stopped me in the middle of the street, very nervous, because he needed to "say something". He said:

    That we were perfect for each other, that knowing me had been one of the best things ever happened, that he thought I was the most intelligent person he had met, and he founded me fascinating... and, as he didn't want to "lose" what he had with me, he wanted to be honest. Then he said he didn't see a relationship with me could work because he didn't feel "chemistry", that he usually feels this "chemistry" the first 2-3 weeks (?) and go totally crazy for the girl, and so he had been feeling really sad that he didn't feel this "thing" for the most perfect girl he had found for him, all he ever wanted (I reckon it is not lack of attractiveness- though I know it could be as this is personal and he could find others more attractive of course- but I am usually considered a "canon-beauty" and even worked as a photography model).

    I told him that I was freaking out a little because 3 dates is too soon for me to discard a relationship, and that I think it is impossible to feel "in love" with someone you don't know, so if he had told me that he was in love at this very moment I would have think he was wrong and it was an irrational feeling based on nothing that only reflected a fantasy, as he didn't know me. I told him that anyway it was a licit feeling, and it was great for him to be able to feel that so soon with others, but relationships are very different and he just know one kind of relationship, and short-term, and I am afraid that this is more an "infatuation" than a "love" feeling, and I wouldn't discard something that has this potential because it lacks that feeling of infatuation. I also told him I have a different timing, and I just don't develop feelings for someone I have been dating for a month, but I saw potential. He insisted he could be "scared" and self-sabotaging... but he knows himself and we lack this "spark". We talked for a while, then I don't know why we kissed and we end up sleeping together.

    The day after I was still confused (and also hurt, because I felt like I apparently lacked something the other girls had to drive him crazy), he insisted to walked me to the underground station and he did weird things like trying to "show me the block so I could see the hospital and the national trade union building" (I was like "ok, this is weird... but cute somehow?"). Then I thought about this all the afternoon and it didn't make any sense. This feeling worsened as he was sending messages all the time trying to talk about films, sending links to art exhibitions to go together, and even stating that "someday we could watch a movie at my place together", so I told him straighforward I was very confused and needed a couple of days to think about what he said ("I don't think a relationship could work, I am telling this because I respect you and don't want to hurt your feelings in 2/3 months"), he said ok and remembered me that he still wants to have long conversations with me and hang out and "do things together" (?).

    I don't know what to do, because I think he is wrong, but at the same time I don't think I can "convince" him that relationships take time before discarding (and I can't say to him now that I think he is confunding infatuation and love, as it would mean all his relationships were somehow not-serious and it would hurt him without necessity). And of course, I feel hurt that he doesn't like me that much, and I don't want to invest the time and energy I was willing to invest, until now, into something that seemed great but would lead nowhere if he thinks so, because I don't want to get hurt in the future and I don't know how to detach emotionally from a meaningful relationship so I don't think this kind of arrangement without possibilities he proposed could be a good idea (as the things he wants to do together are bound to develop intimacy).

    I'm blocked, I don't know what to do.
    Dude's a manchild with no long term relationship experience, so he looks for a short term novelty feeling when assessing compatibility.

    That's sort of why his relationships fizzle within 6 months, he is conditioned to correlate volatility with relationship potential and doesn't know what a relationship with long term potential looks like. Sometimes it doesn't occur to people that the feeling of love often happens after some cultivation/as you get to know each other.

    There is also an element of subconscious self sabotage stemming from potentially detrimental associations learned from prominent role models n early childhood when forming a concept of what love is. Some people will reject a relationship for being "too good" which roughly translates to "you don't make me suffer in familiar ways that tickle my childhood issues/mirror the dysfunctional relationship dynamics I learned from my role models"
    Last edited by Necrofantasia; 08-11-2019 at 07:05 PM.
    stathamspeacoat and ZharPtitsa thanked this post.

  4. #7734
    INTP - The Thinkers

    Quote Originally Posted by ai.tran.75 View Post
    Not a relationship question more so pertaining to kids- what's your relationship like with children and do you feel like its easier for you to express emotions with younger children/babies curious

    Sent from my SM-G955U using Tapatalk
    Having kids was the best thing that ever happened to me. I no longer have time to sit around and play video games (or sit around and do anything, for that matter), but I was forced to mature - and I never fully understood love until I had kids. Yes, it’s much easier to express emotions to my children.
    Klaro26 and ai.tran.75 thanked this post.

  5. #7735

    Quote Originally Posted by ZharPtitsa View Post

    I'm blocked, I don't know what to do.
    You do what's best for you. Whatever you would like from him will not happen as the result of anything you do or do not do. If he does not believe there is a romantic partnership, it is not something you can influence. Maybe he knows this or maybe he thinks this. Either way, forcing = wasting your resources.

    As @Aridela said - take what he has to offer or move along. This is probably going to happen more than once in your life (and at some point you may be on the other side of this) but this is the function of dating. Sometimes all the boxes you want are checked and it still isn't right. Readjust and start again.

    It feels like a waste when you can foresee potential but remember, potential is not actual. It is a best case assessment and there are always kinks that can blemish potential.
    Klaro26, Aridela and ZharPtitsa thanked this post.

  6. #7736

    I agree with both of you @Aridela and @stathamspeacoat in what you say about moving on as there is nothing I can do, as dating is not an issue of "convincing" someone; if he's not sure, then it would be a waste of energy and time to do so- also I'm not in love either, I just saw potential, but as you point maybe in three months it is me the one not seeing the potential anymore (I have to tell myself sometimes to stop foreseeing too much into the future and stay a little more in the moment).

    So I've been thinking and talking with him and I reckon I will tell him just to stay friends but setting some boundaries, so I don't have many expectations and he doesn't take too much of my time and energy, but without closing the door, as I like the guy as a person and maybe it is not a match but it could be a friend, as we are learning so much from each other (and that is very valuable to me, if it weren't for this I would probably just say goodbye and disappear at this point, but I guess the balance of all the conversations and else is positive, so establishing boundaries will do). Also, as @Aridela said, I really appreciated his honesty, that is something sometimes difficult to find nowadays.

    I also agree with you @Venoshock concerning the assessment/explanation of the situation: I feel he's a little immature regarding relationships, and it could be lack of experience mixed with self-sabotage, that kind of subconscious feeling that everythings is "too good" (but also too "normal"), with no drama, and it seems too different from the idea of "romantic love", so you don't feel the spark, as it feels almost like a friend. I've been there too, years ago. I think I heard the idea of the "familiar suffering" some time ago (maybe in a TedTalk or something similar, if I recall correctly) and it amazed me, because it rings so true to me, reading it in your message made me remember that, and think about that perspective as well.

    So thank you all very much, all your advices have been really helpful to think about the whole situation from different perspectives and with more objectivity.
    Necrofantasia, Aridela and stathamspeacoat thanked this post.


     
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