This is a discussion on Q&A about dating INTPs, and INTP dating: within the INTP Forum - The Thinkers forums, part of the NT's Temperament Forum- The Intellects category; ce769866cfafbe312ce237ecd811d195--bojack-horseman-quotes-funny-scenes.jpg...
Hey fellow INTPs: does anyone else go on a purging frenzy after some kind of emotional upheaval?
I put this down as a dating question since this could crop up most with romantic relationships, but this applies in pretty much any scenario where things have had a chance to build up for awhile with people/someone and then boom, last straw.
Not a frenzy, but there is something of a "bullshit gauge" that, once full, makes me exhausted to the point I no longer care if the relationship is lost, so I don't hold back criticism anymore.
The standard result is scorched earth.
I can tell you generally know what I'm getting at, though it's not always about an interpersonal relationship in that sense.
At about 18-19, I remember getting really frustrated about wearing a bunch of clothes I didn't like, felt forced to wear because relatives sent them as gifts and I was expected to wear them or something, so I overhauled my entire closet top to bottom. I had been wearing this stuff for a long time, in some cases well over a year, and I just hit this fever pitch where I was done.
Normally wouldn't remember this kind of thing, except my ENFJ mom was furious. She wanted me to put everything back, I didn't want to, we butted heads like usual.
Social media. Again, I spent a really long time feeling divided between "friends" (read: people who wanted me to do stuff for free or who felt I existed solely as their free therapist), and their preferred messaging and social media platforms. I hit this point where I was done. I decided I was going to maintain only two platforms, obliterated the rest of my accounts, and then went and cleaned out the list of the remaining two of connections that I wasn't getting anything out of.
I would also like to ask, now, if there's a way to tone it down into something more productive for the day-to-day? It's nice when this will cause me to get some huge chunk of project done that's been sitting around for awhile, but I'd like to channel this into something I can use more often.
That aside, in trying to harness it for productivity, what I do is set at least one or two priority goals for a given day, without stuffing the entire day so I don't get paralyzed by pressure. On/off success. Motivation is an elusive bitch though.
Quantification goes a long way for me. S.M.A.R.T goals and all that
As long as there's some forward momentum I'll take it.
Thus, in brief: almost 6 months after these dates & conversation, we are still together, he fell in love (or so he says), and I fell in love too with this wonderful (though a little immature in love) person. He was the one who asked for a serious relationship and he is even making plans for the future in a realistic way. He has recently said he was wrong and he had understood that it was not possible to get to know each other and establish something serious in that period of time and had never had such a relationship (based on friendship and communication).
I have to say that, although my self-esteem suffered a little at the beginning and I came to feel unattractive or hurt to see myself "not worthy of love", it was worth betting on this. He's got his things (INTP-like, not very good at expressing emotions) and he's certainly not the most romantic man in the world, but after those early conversations the relationship is stronger and more intimate and I'm sure any problem he will communicate as honestly as he did in the beginning, I appreciate that very much. We have a very strong friendship (thanks in part to that not-so-romantic beginning) based on common interests (which we exploit on a daily basis), mutual attraction that has grown more and more in recent months, and our plans and ways of life fit perfectly. In addition, with time I have been able to verify that he is a very good person, something that I value very much and makes me appreciate him very much.
Finally, just wanted to add that this is obviously no "lesson" at all, and that every relationship- and person- is different, but it is an example that sometimes things that don't start like in movies (not in a romantic way) can go really well. Of course 6 months is very little and can end soon and badly, but for the moment it is developing excellently and we are both quite happy, it seems stable and strong, healthy in every sense, no red flags, and in principle I think the relationship has potential to continue to develop in the long term.
Hope this would be useful in some way (perhaps to give more importance to the joy of knowing each other when developing a relationship and the need to give it time and patience. Sometimes you have to distrust things that seem too perfect or fantasies, life and relationships are not like that in my experience).
P.D. Sorry for my English as it is not my first language, I have seen some mistakes in my earlier posts.
I think it is an issue of our ability to compartmentalize (live in our heads) and our poor communication skills (live in our heads). We compartmentalize bad feelings easily, and have resiliency that others would not as a result. Ne also works against us as we can find many reasons where it isn't as bad as it really is. We communicate in bits and pieces and expect ourselves to be "heard" (we hear ourselves, why doesn't anyone else?), and when we finally had enough -- BOOM! the hammer comes down, we draw hard lines / make drastic actions / react in ways no one expected. To us, we're like, "How did you not see this coming?" We saw it coming -- in our heads.
Two recommendations: 1) when you're upset about something, send a letter/email, taking the time to communicate how you feel and what you want; and 2) set and enforce healthy boundaries, and don't allow them to ever be violated.
INTP's and boundaries. No bueno, nor do we care. I have a great understanding and respect for all. Until 2 years ago, I had no boundaries, not really. I was ok with it. Then people started to tell me I needed them, I will be better off, etc.. that's all bullshit. People set "boundaries" like little gates to keep the annoyances out. You only control your own side. As I hear of boundaries, in this day and age, It makes me think of another way to say "i am selfish", in the way that you control all incoming and outgoing, as per what we think.
In the end, you have no control. That dirty hidden syringe that poked you from inside the mattress as you lay down in a bed at a cheap hotel. Just threw a wrench in your life!