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Q&A about dating INTPs, and INTP dating:

[INTP] 
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#1 ·
Post your questions about dating INTPs, and dating -as- an INTP in this thread.

The INTP forum gets a lot of threads asking for advice on romantic relations with INTPs, and for advice on how to engage in romantic relations if you are an INTP. I have moved some of them to the advice section, but I don't particularly like moving threads out of type sub-fora, so I'm making this thread and stickying it for those who want to ask the intp forum these specific questions.

When someone posts a new thread of this nature and I don't catch it, any of you are more than welcome to post a link to this thread as a response to show them where their inquiry belongs.

It might be good to have all this information in one place anyway as a guide for newcomers with similar questions, so that people don't have to keep giving the same advice.

*If someone feels that their intp romance related question really needs its own thread, thats fine. This is just here to keep things organized more, and perhaps create a knowledge base for this topic all in one place.
 
#1,677 ·
I am attracted to a female. No idea what to do about or how to proceed.

A few things:
She works under the same roof I do, but in a different area.
We have not talked to each other, other then a few work related questions. Nothing social.
I am unsure if she is even aware of me.
I am pretty much socially inept. I have basically failed every attempt at an interpersonal relationship with a female.

I can probably get to her to do some random banter, if I could figure out what to say and how to approach her.

Advice?
 
#1,678 ·
Could start with referring to her as a lady, a girl, a woman, a person :p

Maybe try working on yourself before you go work on someone else, figure out why you lack the confidence so much and what you can do about it. You're allowed to talk to people, say what you think, be there, you know.

Now, considering she operates in teh same professional space, perhaps it's best if you first find out what your workplace's policy is on more than professional or friendly contacts. If there's clear disapproval, I'd just get this out of your head entirely.

Otherwise, find out where she spends her breaks maybe, get to know the people she works with as well a bit (mind, no stalking, just friendly interest with minimal amounts of scheming's going to be the least creepy). Happen to show up where she is, and just say hi. Being in the same space includesit's socially desirable to at least acknowledge each other. If at that stage she proceeds to pretty much squarely ignore you, again, abort mission.

If not, you can show you are interested in what she does. Tell her you noticed her around and you've been wondering what she does here, maybe test the waters with some compliments, what attracted you in her? I'd keep it fairly 'formal' here, no need to talk about her looks, but maybe you've heard of projects she's completed, maybe you enjoy how she seems to liven up the workspace, you've heard she's very considerate, or ambitious and daring...

Hell, WHY DO YOU EVEN NOTICE HER AT ALL. Why is she 'special' enough to want to approach her? What does 'attracted to' lean to you, that they have a pretty face and your nethers are getting aware? Or that you're getting genuinely interested in her as a person first and foremost?

If your interest in HER is genuine, you should show her that, that you truly want to know what she's doing, how she's doing, and that you find this whole person that she is very worthy of attention and possibly support if you can give it. If she then doesn't seem very engaged in return, well, bummer for you. You can still be supportive to people you find admirable in general.
 
#1,683 · (Edited)
QUESTION:
I'm in a relationship with an INTP (online for now unfortunately - "it's complicated"). We have known eachother for more than a year but it's been an real intimate relationship (as in we are lovers) since the beginning of June. We're becomming more and more intimate, and he trusts me with a lot that I know he shares with no one but me. What's puzzeling me is lately (the last month or so?) he has stopped using my name, and stopped calling me sweethart, dearest and stuff like that. I know we have grown closer this last month, we've gotten into some pretty deep stuff, so I'm not having doubts about the relationship.

He's even started to tell me where he's going and how long he will be gone for. ;) In the beginning he often didn't do that. I never asked him to do that, but I really appreciate it.

Is he trying to keep it together, and not become to emotional?? He's very stressed about some stuff right now, I know he's having a hard time. But why has he stopped using my name??

I only want to understand. I'm not interested in forcing him into any kind of behavior.

PS We are both adults, not teenagers.
 
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#1,685 · (Edited)
I think he might take it that way (that I want him to). I did say in passing not long ago, "I love when you call me stuff like that" - it was in relation to something - so it didn't look completely out of place. I know better than to ask him for things. Then he really puts on the brakes. The thing is he's under a lot of stress lately, and the last thing I want is to add to that.

The other day I was feeling strangly, and had some doubts about our relationship (how we'll be able to make it work - nothing else). I had a lot of gloomy thoughts and told him just a little bit about those thoughts - and he got very upset. He took it as me not thinking he was invested in the relationship. I really don't want to go there at all. He also took it as me wanting him to tell me how he felt about me. Which he refuses to do... Not that I have ever tried to force anything out of him. On the other hand he gives me the most amazing compliments some times. I'm just completely puzzled over him suddenly "forgetting my name". It must mean something.

I realize he doesn't sound like a lot of fun the way I describe him. ;) But he is. This is just an area where he gets very upset. I'm hoping it means that he cares. I love him.
 
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#1,686 ·
Just keep piling words up until you get across what you say, as INTPs we do love a nuanced talk. It doesn't matter if you're trying to get across something a bit complicated or 'not what it sounds like', it's okay to acknowledge this and keep trying anyway. Heck, it might even be relaxing for him to have such a heart-to-heart about how you've seen your relationship evolve.

Maybe you might also let him know that it's not that unusual for you, or for anyone, to get a bit down in the dumps sometimes, and that he please shouldn't be too worried, moments of dreariness and ugh and bleh do pass, the less fuss you make about them.

Doesn't sound like fun? Man he sounds a lot like my own and I love the everloving shit out of'm. What we try to do is keep out communication as open as we can, and share the good AND the bad things, just to have them out there and let each other know what's up. We're gonna stick together through the good AND the bad times, he's allowed to know when I feel like crap and to worry if he feels worried, and I'm allowed to know when he's not doing so well.

We both know we're not obligated to always be happy for the other, the only thing we ask is that we don't hide away, that we remain honest, and that we give ourselves the space to just feel really shit for a while. We both have our problems, and it'd be incredibly hard if, when we need to be taking care of ourselves first, we have to worry extra about the other. I expect him to be kind to himself and look after himself well, and vice-versa. That he has his depressive slumps is not a failure of mine, or even of his.

That you have your doubts when you're not feeling so good is also not a failure, it's just a thing that happens, and at worst it's telling you to take your relationship seriously and not stop the monitoring. See the bright side: you want to make the best of this, you want this to be a good thing for the both of you, and it IS tricky to figure it all out and 'know' everything. Doubts are pretty normal there.

He just may feel obliged to do something about it, or feel like it's something he caused by 'failing' somehow. You can tell him that's not the case, just that you hope you can remain open between the two of you. It's alright to take the time and simply talk things out like this, you KNOW you don't have anything bad to say to him, so you might as well try to make sure he notices this, too. You're not at all trying to tell him you want to break up or that he should do better, so explicitly frame it as that. Give him your security back, let'm know it's okay between the two of you, if anything the support might help him get through the stressy period better.

And you, as well, actually. Taking the time to explicitly reforge the ties and just talk about 'you two' can be quite the boost, I find.
 
#1,687 ·
Thank you! I think I have to read this again and answer when I'm not at work.

I can see you have some good points, but also some suggestions that wouldn't work with him. They're not all exactly the same. ;)

Talking about the future stresses him a bit at this point. We used to joke about it before though. :)
 
#1,688 ·
Oh, I rather meant talking about NOW rather than what's to come. You know, the entire 'right now we're sticking together and it'll be fine, we'll figure things out as they come' deal.

We often try to over-plan things in our minds a bit, and contrary to the Perceiving expectations, not knowing what's to come can really paralyse us. Sometimes we just need to hear it'll be okay, and that we're capable of handling whatever life throws at us, so no need to already stand there shivering in advance.

Right now there's things you both think and feel and want, and want to share as well. With 'talking about the future' I don't mean 'start deciding where you're going to live and what job you're going to get and whether you should have five or eighteen kids', I did mean the more fluffy kind c:

Oh well, I'm sure you'll handle yours to the best of your abilities, and I hope he'll know to appreciate it XD Keep at it, I'm sure he'll slip into safer waters at some point.
 
#1,691 ·
I don't know... My hormones have been crazy since about the beginning of June. ;) I don't know if there's anything else to do than wait. The other day we were teasing and bantering, and suddenly out of the blue he sent me some pictures of himself (explicit ones), so yes, he does things to make me happy too. ;) I just feel a bit lost.

I do know that I've never felt anything like this before, and I just want more. I can take some pain in the meantime. I just wish I knew how long "the meantime" will be.
 
#1,692 ·
So fluffy~

Yeah, I'd just try to enjoy the good times as they are and cope with the less fun ones. It's rare enough to even get to 'go through this' at all, at the very least you'll come out more experienced afterwards XD

Physiologically speaking 'the meantime' should be about two months at most, that's when the craziest crush loads of dopamine fade. They can return, though, under the right circumstances, if you're lucky~ But normally you'll settle into a less allovertheplace mode of appreciation and closeness. Ah, love really is like being ill for a while, but it's the best kind.

I've managed to go through it twice with my own, once after we met, and once a few years later when we actually got together. Never had a more stress-free finals period, hot damn that felt so good.

(( On a sidenote I just managed to help my foxie out finding him a direly needed core reference for his Stoichiometry poster assignment when he was already on the way to last minute print it, late professor feedback be damned. I feel so useful, teeeee~ anything that makes life a little less pointlessly shitty's a win-win. ))
 
#1,693 ·
I had a thought this morning: He's been into me pretty much the whole time we've known each other. Maybe in his mind using sweetheart or my name feels equally emotional? I mean, my name has some meaning for him that it doesn't have for me. For me my name feels neutral, just a piece of info I use when I fill out forms.... Do you think that might be it? It feels really weird to me that he doesn't use it. Maybe he doesn't even know he stopped using it?

Re:"the meantime"; some problem at work (anybody's guess how long that's going to last) and some personal stuff is the reason for him withdrawing. I had nothing to do with it (pretty sure ;) ), but still I might easily crowd him now, when he is touchy about everything.

Yay! Working together is great, that's how we met; through our hobby/obsession. ;)
 
#1,697 ·
If you do a quick search, you'll find that the answers are already out there. @Marino answers your question beautifully. http://personalitycafe.com/infj-forum-protectors/7415-infj-intp-relationship.html If you can understand and value INTP logic, you're off to a good start. The INTP needs to accept your traits as well.

I feel that I could quickly fall in love for an INFJ, but I fear it. My love would be a blazing fire at first, but eventually the fire would smolder as I find that my logic is not as important to the INFJ. INTP have a limited capacity for providing your emotional needs.

As an INFJ in a long term (seven year) relationship with an INTP, there has been some friction of the type you mentioned. It has moderated over time. It has had a long time to moderate!

I started out pretty needy, I'll admit. He started out as being pretty absorbed in his various activities that he did that were not about me.

He had early fears that he could not adequately respond to my emotional needs. It would make him feel terrible inside, like he had failed to be a proper human being.

I had fears that I would be spending a lot of time alone. I don't need to be interacting all the time, but I need my person, you know?

We have some compromises in place. He makes time for me when he gets home from work. We have dinner together and talk about our day. If he's doing something that he can do wherever I am (like surfing the internet), then he will bring his laptop and join me.

He has learned to cuddle me a bit more, to touch playfully, to hug me or rub my back when I cry. If I unleash a torrent of anguish, he just rubs my back and listens.

I have learned to be a bit more alone. I developed some close friendships that help me sate my need for human interaction if he is not available. Being the INTP he is, he is perfectly fine with this and not jealous.

I guess that's about it. Your fears are not unfounded, but there are ways to adapt.
 
#1,698 ·
I don't have too much experience with girls, and the stuff that happened, all was spontaneous. It just happens, it's right, it's meant to be.
Usually I'm (dancing) at a party when a girl I already know from somewhere comes up, we talk and suddenly we kiss. Sometimes it leads to dating, sometimes it's just 15 minutes of making out, whatever.
I don't have any game whatsoever, I'm not even a player. Hell, I barely know the sport.
But in the past 3-4 months I've realised I started getting a lot more attention from girls. And I feel it's time to do something with it instead of waiting.

Last night I went out with a friend. We smoked some weed, drank some wine and went to our favorite bar to play some pool. Wednesdaynight there's a live jazzband and it really gets me going. I dance (subtly) inbetween shots and less subtle whenever I pot a ball. I skat/beatbox silently and smile in unbelief whenever there's a really nice part.
Suddenly I see two girls in the corner looking at me. When I look in their direction they look away and continue talking. This keeps happening every now and then until my friend notices as well: "Hey, Mr. don't look, but, there's two chicks in the corner checking you out". Despite having noticed them, I say "really?" in a surprised way.
Some more looks go back and forth and my friend wants to pick them up. "Should I ask them to play with us?"
"You can do whatever you want, but I'm too stoned for asking that" I say. I honestly was too stoned, but more than that I just was too afraid.
When we finish our game my friend goes over, asks them, but they're actually waiting for someone to come.
Yeah, rejection, but nothing too bad. We continue playing, but they keep checking me/us out. It made me want to do something.

I thought that asking them to play with us was stupid. My friend was focussing too much on the pool. He always does. He can't just go out,have a drink and talk. And they were checking me out mostly, so I should've gone over? I should've gone over and just asked them to have a drink with us. How does one do that?
"Hi, I couldn't help but notice you looking at us and we wonderd if you wanted to have a drink with us.."
"Hi, it seems our looks have met, but I don't think we have, I'm Mr."
"Hey, do you girls mind if we sit with you?"
"Hey, do you want to have a drink with us?"
etc etc

All of those things sound pretty stupid to me. And the chances of it working with total strangers seem slim to none-existent..
Ugh, social awkwardness
 
#1,699 ·
I thought that asking them to play with us was stupid. My friend was focussing too much on the pool. He always does. He can't just go out,have a drink and talk. And they were checking me out mostly, so I should've gone over? I should've gone over and just asked them to have a drink with us. How does one do that?
I think they wanted YOU to ask them, not your friend. Don't be too diplomatic. For example, "I want to have a drink with you. What do you say?" Simple, direct, and you DON'T seem like a pushover.
 
#1,700 ·
I think the two last lines would have worked just fine, but not the first ones. I think I would have felt a bit weird if someone told me he had noticed me looking at him (even if we both knew it to be the case). And the second suggestion sounds like a lame line, a line I would react negatively to.

Sounds to me that you just need to take some baby steps, and you'll be fine. I think maybe your friend tripped you up there.
 
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#1,702 ·
Hey, I'm not your average girl (I'm a woman btw ;) ), so I don't know what girls in general like. I _hate_ lines that sound rehearsed. What I love about INTPs (and I DO love them!), is their originality. Just be yourself and don't try to impress. That's what works on me anyhow. Or... "my" INTP tried to impress me once and it was so strange and comical that I found it endearing (he claims that he just told me facts ;) )

Also if you're at a place where they play live music, you can always talk about that. Do they like the music? If not - what kind of music do they like? Music can be the gateway to - just everything. :)
 
#1,703 ·
All i can say is be prepared to hear alot of weird ideas...

I once fed my girlfriend a diet of hormones to grow her breast after a week's research on progestrones... she claimed that he boods never grew, but the fact that she out grew all her b cup bras proofed otherwised....muhahahaha

Oh.. and i use my other half as a lab rat... not thing dangerous or harmful to her health, you'll be amazed at how much data you can collect on human test subjects.
 
#1,711 ·
So I'm going to ruin the trend here of tossing banter at each other and actually ask a question about INTP males' behavior (how ironic given that I'm an INTx).

I was seeing a (self-proclaimed) INTP for ~4 months and everything was fantastic, and then when I started to ask him what he thought about taking things to the next level/being serious he put the brakes on. After this I was disappointed/somewhat hurt because everything definitely appeared mutual. (He also never really mentioned much about his feelings...if he had any).

Now, fast forward 3 months. We kept in touch a little (ie: we never just stopped talking to each other completely, he makes sure we are in touch) and I saw him after not seeing him in about 3 months (after things started to slow down). It went well. He paid for me, was a bit nicer/more open like when we first started dated the first time around. After we catch up, he texts me 2 or 3 days later saying he wants to see me again within the next week/asap.

What. the. heck. :confused: Does he want to date again? casually/seriously?

We're both attracted to each other, so there's no kidding myself that we can "just be friends". And he knows I won't just have recreational sex with him.
 
#1,712 ·
@paige1136 To be honest about one's feelings is an important part of the INTP's maturity. Three months ago, he was probably afraid of making himself vulnerable. He may want to be with you, but his fear of emotional vulnerability got in the way, so he ran away. He needs to learn that he needs to be completely honest in order to feel comfortable around you, otherwise his emotions will haunt him.
 
#1,715 ·
I have a question, also about an INTP male. For background info, we had both already previously expressed interest in one another. We only know each other through the internet and sometimes we have webcam skype phone call conversations.

I've read many articles on INTPs (especially since at one point I believed I was one, I relate to many of the articles). The articles tend to show that INTPs enjoy talking/debating/exploring thoughts with another, especially if they like the person. Sharing their personal "encyclopedia" of sorts. I also thoroughly enjoy these kinds of conversations and crave for them.

Problem is that this INTP doesn't seem to talk very much? I'm generally the one that initiates the conversations, as well as starting the philosophical/intellectual sort of topics. Sometimes it is difficult to even get him to pursue a topic very far at all. I can understand that he might just be more reserved, but I would have expected him to try to start or desire those kinds of conversations more. On our webcam chats, we both generally just do our own thing, listening to music and browsing the net. I'm fine with this for the most part, but inside I'm honestly craving deep discussion. While he seems to be content with the silence?

So it makes me wonder, is he just a unique INTP? Or is he not so interested in me already?

It just boggles me because I was so excited when finding out he was an INTP, I really wanted to share thoughts about the world with someone that also enjoys that.
 
#1,720 ·
An INTP asking a question about INTPs. orzzzz Um, let's see, how should I start..... has any other INTP, ever, let's say, have been confessed to, but sort of ran away/turned away and rejected the person whether you liked them or not, becaused you couldn't bear the thought of being uncertain. You could never know whether they're serious or they're after something else, like appearance, wealth, or whatever. And another reason probably because you've already thought about the break up before even dating, since nothing lasts forever..... Sorry, it's probably worded really badly... x__x
 
#1,723 ·
I'm not sure I understand this question. To me, to be emotionally intimate means to be emotionally vulnerable. This happens when one shares things they aren't usually comfortable sharing with somebody else. So, it's impossible for me to develop emotional intimacy FOR somebody else--they must do it themselves. The cue or sign that I'm developing emotional intimacy with you is if I tell you something very personal, making myself vulnerable to emotional attacks.

If by "emotional intimacy" you mean "feelings for" or "attraction to," then I can answer a little better. Feelings for a girl usually come on pretty quickly, and will only be discouraged when said girl does something stupid or cruel. As for cues and signs, in my case, there aren't many. If I talk to you, and you are a girl, I probably like you. If I STOP joking around, if my conversation suddenly becomes sterile and unimpressive, then it might mean that you make me nervous, which probably means that I like you.

If I completely missed the point of your question, I apologize and humbly ask for clarification.
 
#1,728 ·
I probably only have base INTP traits, but then for me, if I really like a woman, I'm forward and simply tell her.

I guess compared to the INTP stereotype, I'm not goofy or wholly socially awkward, so I have no issue in expressing my feelings. And feelings of love and/or affection are not difficult for me to express either. Per the INTP standard, I probably have a very high feeling component because I've been told I can read and relate to others well.
 
#1,735 ·
She's pushing you away because you're the only guy in her life capable of fully understanding and accepting her situation. That makes her emotionally vulnerable which is very uncomfortable for her.
I do think you need to be completely honest with each other. You sound like a good guy who'll be there for her no matter what if she'd let you, but at this point, you're just wasting each other time. Even if you're okay just being her friend, it's beyond frustrating to try to help someone who refuses to accept it. :\
 
#1,736 ·
I'm thinking about asking a coworker out for coffee. I was going to buy everyone on the crew coffee as a bit of holiday cheer anyway, but thought I would see if I could get her to join me. I don't want to put her on the spot or have things get awkward. But at least if she rejects me well, then I know for sure.

Not really looking at dating but just someone to hang with I guess.

Trying to socialize a bit more I guess.
 
#1,737 ·
How do I relationship?
I used to think a relationship was like being friends, but with sex.
Since I'm not the most normal person, I find it hard to have friends I really like and trust. In fact I think I don't trust anyone fully. I like a lot of people, actually all people, but that doesn't mean I want to see them on a daily or even weekly basis.
When I do get into a relationship, I maintain it through teasing and love. Teasing girls is easy, just say something honest about their appearance and they go nuts. Then I give them love and say I'll love them no matter what; "even if you lose like.. an arm" "wow gee, thanks..".

The problem is that I don't think I'll find someone who fully understands me. Who can cope with whatever weirdness is occupying me. Who can cope with my complaining about the stupidity of people. The girls I've been with so far either pretended to do so, but lost me at some point or just took my mind of it - with sex, you bastards!
Another problem is that I get too attached fast. I don't care about it, I don't care about it, I don't care about, I need you every minute of every day! That's when I start expecting, and even though I wasn't promised anything in the first place, I'll get dissapointed.
 
#1,748 ·
hehe my boyfriend intp does exactly that, teases me about things and then shows me that they don't really bother him, he just likes my reaction. He makes me feel so comfortable (through touch rather than words though) that I don't really fall for the tease as much, but sometimes he catches me off guard :p
i think it's an intp thing, i tell him he acts like a 10 year old, teasing girls he likes because he finds it hard to act stereotypically romantic :p

anyway, just be yourself, someone will eventually stick with you, as long as you aren't being an asshole and such.
 
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