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Q&A about dating INTPs, and INTP dating:

[INTP] 
889K views 8K replies 856 participants last post by  islandlight 
#1 ·
Post your questions about dating INTPs, and dating -as- an INTP in this thread.

The INTP forum gets a lot of threads asking for advice on romantic relations with INTPs, and for advice on how to engage in romantic relations if you are an INTP. I have moved some of them to the advice section, but I don't particularly like moving threads out of type sub-fora, so I'm making this thread and stickying it for those who want to ask the intp forum these specific questions.

When someone posts a new thread of this nature and I don't catch it, any of you are more than welcome to post a link to this thread as a response to show them where their inquiry belongs.

It might be good to have all this information in one place anyway as a guide for newcomers with similar questions, so that people don't have to keep giving the same advice.

*If someone feels that their intp romance related question really needs its own thread, thats fine. This is just here to keep things organized more, and perhaps create a knowledge base for this topic all in one place.
 
#3 ·
Ok, so I have deleted the silly posts which were inevitable here ; P
But I really do want it to be a serious thread for those types of inquiries.

If anyone wants to contribute some serious advice for those posters in general (because intps just love talking about romance) then you're welcome to it.
 
#4 · (Edited)
Okay, I'll just say something from my experience which I think might be helpful.

1. If you're an extrovert, be ready to make little adjustments and compromises. You might want to avoid this.

2. If we don't talk much or give you all the attention you seek, it does not mean that we aren't interested. If we aren't interested, you'd definitely know. I can't speak for the rest but I suck at pretending to be interested in a relationship.

3. If you're 'intelligent', knowledgeable (and other similar words), it is a bonus (Read: requirement). It's impossible for us to be stimulated (and hence, interested) if all you talk about is Gossip Girls, or something.

4. If you're an 'N', you probably have better chances than an 'S' but then again, that's generalizing too much.

5. We do have feelings. (OMG, IKR?)
 
#13 ·
One tip that someone might find useful, but that is likely fairly obvious: Our frequent lack of emotional display is not a bad thing. Emotional displays come and go for us, and when we're not feeling it, it is very hard to be "out there" and demonstrative. Personally, being outward, personable, demonstrative, etc. makes me nervous when I'm not really feeling it. And even if I'm feeling it it can be hard to display.

I have had girlfriends tell me I was emotionally distant, I've had at least one girlfriend freak out about something totally neutral I said about how she looked in a shirt (she said it made her look fat, and I said something like "Well, don't wear it, then."), and then I've had girlfriends think I was "too" feely (when they do come out it can be intense and makes at least me feel insecure).

Ah... Basically, emotions can be tricky for INTPs. So, if you like us, bear with us in that regard.

Though, other INTPs may have no such problems... I don't know...
 
#1,455 ·
I get so many likes for this comment and it turns out I'm not even an INTP. huahuahua

Internet typology stuff seems more and more over the years to be just a bunch of people looking for neato identities and fitting in with descriptions and people that can hardly be verified to be cogent/adherent to the theories anyway. : m
 
#20 ·
Try to remember that in the end they're just people, and don't really know what they're doing in their lives any more than you do. Maintaining a relationship isn't some intricate challenge dropped from above, it's a mutual effort. The other person probably shares many emotions and doubts with you, just perhaps less consciously. Sorry if this doesn't relate, but this is what I constantly remind myself to prevent death from paranoiac over-analysis.
 
#21 ·
Tips for fellow INTPs:

You don't need to rush. You are not worse than others just because you haven't found a perfect mate yet or had fewer boyfriends/girlfriends than someone.

Don't get into a relationship with "whoever" just because you think that they are the only one who showed interest in you.

Sometimes serendipity just happens, but you might need to put yourself out there. You can't win in a lottery if you haven't even bothered to buy a lottery ticket. You might find pleasure in meeting new people, they sometimes turn out to be interesting.

Read this and this.
 
#4,257 ·
I have not been successful in my attempts to find a relationship. I`m not interested in meeting new people anymore in order to find a date. When there is such a little percent of people compatible with me, I should be in several friend circles - in which I should pretend to like everyone though that`s not the case- & when I finally feel attracted to someone I learn he is in a committed relationship, what motivation to continue?
 
#29 ·
What's funny about INTP guys is that they want you to be clingy (if you weren't they'd flip out). But they will never reciprocate the kind of behavior they expect from you.
UNTRUE! Proof:

 
#28 ·
I remember being kind of snarky about expressions of emotion in my early relationships. Part of me ate it up on the part of the other person, but I never wanted to do it myself, and sometimes I would talk down to the other person / be dismissive.

It took me some years to experience the value in such displays and initiatives. It's mostly a matter of balance, too...
 
#99 ·
I've been the exact same way. I'm still working on not being paranoid that people will suddenly stop liking me. That I think is at the root of the matter. When someone is addicted to you, you can be sure they're not going to leave you.
 
#37 ·
Reasons why my relationships have failed:

1. I was a teenager. A stupid hormonal teenager/very impulsive.
2. I fell out of 'infatuation'/got bored/not stimulated enough.
3. I thought I wasn't good enough/low self-esteem/whatever, and it was me who'd end up wrecking the relationship.
4. External circumstances.

Never has there been a 'lack-of-emotions' problem so big.
 
#52 · (Edited)
If we don't talk much or give you all the attention you seek, it does not mean that we aren't interested. If we aren't interested, you'd definitely know. I can't speak for the rest but I suck at pretending to be interested in a relationship.
See, that to me is ambiguous. Not talking much and not paying attention, to me, are signs of lack of interest. And from the threads I've seen spawn up, this appears to be the major issue, how to tell regular interested I'm-not-paying-attention-to-you to the kind caused by lack of interest. Can anyone shade this out for me, please?
@Marimeli: I will do my best. Disclaimer: I speak from personal experience and little else, so trust me at your own risk.


First of all, we INTPs are not naturally inclined to pay attention to other people. When we are thinking about something (which we almost always are), we will have a tendency to focus on that something and whatever tangents come up. We could sit in a room for hours and not notice almost any aspect of our surroundings, including the people.

This changes somewhat when we are interested in someone. Then,
1) the tangents mentioned above will often lead to them, and
2) They become the subject of our thoughts much more frequently.

So, if you notice an INTP paying attention to you, it is likely the case that they are interested in you for some reason. It could be that they like you, or it could be something else (for example, something you said piped their curiosity), but the former will tend to be the case for longer periods of time.

Having said that, even if we like you (and are consequently paying attention to you), we often lack the experience necessary to properly make use of these observations, especially when it comes to body language / emotional queues / etc. And even if we do come to the right conclusions, were are lightly to not trust them, due to aforementioned lack of experience. This means two things for you:
1) Subtle doesn't really work with INTPs. Subtle hard for us to pick up, and even when we do pick it up, hard for us to put significant faith in, so we both prefer and are much better at straightforward interactions.
2) Just because an INTP is not picking up "obvious" things about you does not mean they are not paying attention. Often, it means that these things are not as obvious to the INTP, and they think that if you wanted them to know something, you would tell them (and from their perspective, the way you are communicating it doesn't count).


So although paying attention is very much a measure of interest for INTPs, you might not always be aware that we are paying attention to you. And certainly, we can be paying attention to you without "give[ing] you all the attention you seek", which is what Ishan Jalan mentions in the passage you quote him on.




I've never felt like INTPs were emotionless. But I have known some who were sort of in a bubble. Maybe they can tend to forget that the things they say or do have emotional consequences for others in ways that the sme things might not for them, like the example above with the shirt. Like people shouldn't fish for compliments, but in my experience when they DO start fishing it's because they don't feel like they're being noticed, right? So you an cut off some of those annoying behaviors in others by thinking ahead of them
You are completely right, though perhaps you underestimate the extent to which this is the case. It isn't so much that we forget that "things [we] say or do have emotional consequences for others"; it is that this often does not register AT ALL. You list yourself as an INFP, so that would make your first function Fi. This makes you keenly aware of what individual characteristics drive people in different directions, as can be seen from your post: "Like people shouldn't fish for compliments, but in my experience when they DO start fishing it's because they don't feel like they're being noticed, right? So you [can] cut off some of those annoying behaviors in others by thinking ahead of them".

See, the "thinking ahead of them" thing you mentioned is a natural solid Fi ability; putting yourself in someone else's shoes and seeing how they would feel about different things. WE DON'T DO THAT. Or rather, we can, but it takes considerable effort and focus, and it isn't something which comes naturally.

This, by the way, is a major problem for us in close relationships, both romantic and platonic. The people close to use perceive our behavior as not caring, when in fact it is not understanding. Though to be fair, tin many circumstances, that is bad enough.



That's my 2 cents. For the record, I'm quite curious as to whether it matches the experiences of other INTPs (and non INTPs, for that matter).
 
#54 ·
@Marimeli: I will do my best. Disclaimer: I speak from personal experience and little else, so trust me at your own risk.


First of all, we INTPs are not naturally inclined to pay attention to other people. When we are thinking about something (which we almost always are), we will have a tendency to focus on that something and whatever tangents come up. We could sit in a room for hours and not notice almost any aspect of our surroundings, including the people.

This changes somewhat when we are interested in someone. Then,
1) the tangents mentioned above will often lead to them, and
2) They become the subject of our thoughts much more frequently.

So, if you notice an INTP paying attention to you, it is likely the case that they are interested in you for some reason. It could be that they like you, or it could be something else (for example, something you said piped their curiosity), but the former will tend to be the case for longer periods of time.

Having said that, even if we like you (and are consequently paying attention to you), we often lack the experience necessary to properly make use of these observations, especially when it comes to body language / emotional queues / etc. And even if we do come to the right conclusions, were are lightly to not trust them, due to aforementioned lack of experience. This means two things for you:
1) Subtle doesn't really work with INTPs. Subtle hard for us to pick up, and even when we do pick it up, hard for us to put significant faith in, so we both prefer and are much better at straightforward interactions.
2) Just because an INTP is not picking up "obvious" things about you does not mean they are not paying attention. Often, it means that these things are not as obvious to the INTP, and they think that if you wanted them to know something, you would tell them (and from their perspective, the way you are communicating it doesn't count).


So although paying attention is very much a measure of interest for INTPs, you might not always be aware that we are paying attention to you. And certainly, we can be paying attention to you without "give[ing] you all the attention you seek", which is what Ishan Jalan mentions in the passage you quote him on.






You are completely right, though perhaps you underestimate the extent to which this is the case. It isn't so much that we forget that "things [we] say or do have emotional consequences for others"; it is that this often does not register AT ALL. You list yourself as an INFP, so that would make your first function Fi. This makes you keenly aware of what individual characteristics drive people in different directions, as can be seen from your post: "Like people shouldn't fish for compliments, but in my experience when they DO start fishing it's because they don't feel like they're being noticed, right? So you [can] cut off some of those annoying behaviors in others by thinking ahead of them".

See, the "thinking ahead of them" thing you mentioned is a natural solid Fi ability; putting yourself in someone else's shoes and seeing how they would feel about different things. WE DON'T DO THAT. Or rather, we can, but it takes considerable effort and focus, and it isn't something which comes naturally.

This, by the way, is a major problem for us in close relationships, both romantic and platonic. The people close to use perceive our behavior as not caring, when in fact it is not understanding. Though to be fair, tin many circumstances, that is bad enough.



That's my 2 cents. For the record, I'm quite curious as to whether it matches the experiences of other INTPs (and non INTPs, for that matter).


This has got to be the best explanation I have ever read for this issue. I mean, people come on this forum and bitch about the lack of interest thing all the time and it has never really been dissected so much to where I can actually understand.
 
#53 ·
@ Lozan:

That was a well-reasoned and thorough post, and I highly appreciate both the candor and the thoughfulness with which it was excuted. Subtlety has never been a strong suit of mine, so that has probably been what allowed me to have as many long-term relationships with INTPs as I have; I'm pretty much a "what you see is what you get" kind of girl. And I'm sort of new to the idea that putting yourself in someone else's shoes is a cognitive function ability; I have always thought it was sort of a matter of common courtesy that we always try to instill in children: "do unto others," "walk a mile in someone else's moccasins," "how would you feel if..." and the like. So of course when someone shows a (perceived) complete lack of interest in how I might feel about or be affected by something, I naturally would chalk it up to lack of interest.

One thing I WILL say for the record is that INTPs can remember the strangest things that might mean something to a partner. It might not be the thing that constantly bothers you that you wish they would anticipate, but it might be that one time you went to a park and you were delighted by the ducks on the pond and waxing poetic about the shapes of the ripples on the water, and they might bring you a calendar of ducks and water scenes like eight months later for Christmas. Er... that's a made-up completely hypoethetical story. And I think regardless, this is yet ANOTHER example of why open communication is absolutely essential to any relationship--ESPECIALLY when it is not comfortable for you to engage in it (simply because it's something that has to be developed for a relationship to work).

Thank you again ;)
 
#78 ·
One thing I WILL say for the record is that INTPs can remember the strangest things that might mean something to a partner. It might not be the thing that constantly bothers you that you wish they would anticipate, but it might be that one time you went to a park and you were delighted by the ducks on the pond and waxing poetic about the shapes of the ripples on the water, and they might bring you a calendar of ducks and water scenes like eight months later for Christmas. Er... that's a made-up completely hypoethetical story. And I think regardless, this is yet ANOTHER example of why open communication is absolutely essential to any relationship--ESPECIALLY when it is not comfortable for you to engage in it (simply because it's something that has to be developed for a relationship to work).

Thank you again ;)
Heh :) On a related note, how to thank an INTP: Being thanked for something an INTP considers minimally decent behavior makes an INTP *really* uncomfortable. And INTPs have *very* high standards for their own behavior. (On the other hand we really don't give a crap what *other* people do, just so long as it doesn't affect us or the people we care about.) If an INTP *does* do something to make you happy, the way to thank them is to tell them in as much detail as you can *how* they made you happy, so they can update their models of you and do it again in the future.

Nothing makes an INTP happier than using their leet analytical skills to make somebody they care about happy.
 
#64 ·
So for those of you having trouble...

the short of the messages here is that the primary problem is you

so one of the big questions is... what's holding you back? *aside from being an intp*

There's only so much fapping some of us can take about how you don't have any self confidence, you're living under a rock and waiting for the world to end without ever knowing what love may be...

so here's another question for you... are any of you actually confident in other areas?

If so... share those areas with us... and maybe we can turn your passion filled interest of collecting third world stamps into a guide for how to lick your potential love interests into a relationship.

*(and for those looking to date an intp... we could also go over how to manipulate their interests into an attracting trap

Visualizing a relationship is better served when you've got some private time to yourself. The post buddhist zen philosophy, there's plenty of fish in the sea, well that's all fine and dandy... but if you can't even manage to get a date, let's not jump towards plotting your future shotgun wedding just yet.)
 
#66 ·
I've often admired the beauty of women breast feeding infants as a form of art and nature... however, when the world capitalizes on nature and twists it for marketability reasons, it takes the entire sentimentality and nature out of it and makes it repulsive and disturbing. Thread Link

For example, in London, there's a restaurant that sells breast milk ice cream.... yes... breast milk from women... not goats, not cows, not sheeps.... women.

I believe I read or saw a video somewhere also that there's a cafe where they order breast milk to coffee and tea from waitresses breast... pumped right then and there... Perhaps your forte, sir?
 
#70 ·
If you're looking for a chick that might be into that... book mending and preservation comes to mind as a topical interest to explore or exploit and to find those that might know what a book might be.

While it's a bit of a sausage fest... there are still plenty of women into it and developing an addiction to the glue keeps them coming back for more.

It's pretty evenly split with a mix of gilfs and naughty librarians... the younger chicks (which is pretty much anyone under 40 in this crowd) are usually split between those with daddy issues and gothic lolita fetishes.

Be sure to avoid the scrapbook chicks... while they tend to look on the more traditional side, 99% of them are nuts.

The scent of old leather and mahogany, what self respecting naughty librarian could resist?

Potential pickup lines: "How would you like to come over and run your hands over my leathers while I polish my wood"

You might also have some game with the historians, antiquities dealers, etc...

some more details on the genres would be useful.
 
#73 ·
There's a decent probability...

if you're going the book mending route and it's a situation that calls for the glue... just let the fumes over take your senses enough to allow the infp guide you through the process even if you're compelled to do it better once they leave the room...

leaning on the stereotypes, if they feel like they're actually helping you... it's a boost to their ego and it opens the doorway to gaining their affections more than dealing with a know it all prick to which they have nothing to offer or is unwilling to accept what they can offer.

The same could apply to some intp chicks... but they're more of a mixed bag, if only there seems to be more variables in how their profile is expressed. In my experiences... you can throw them for a loop with a cheesy line... they will recognize it's a cheesy line but if you're able to laugh it off but maintain that smoldering intense (non death) stare... but you might have to skip the glue and show off your threading skills.
 
#93 ·
A couple questions I have been trying to figure out recently:

1) sexual tension. I am pretty sure I feel this toward someone, but how do you know if the other person does have sexual tension toward you? Also, what does it feel like?

2) during my quest to figure out of a lady may be interested in me I came across something called chemistry. I can kind of see this but not quite sure what the signs would be.
 
#97 ·
If she is really friendly and outgoing toward other people including other guys but for some reason she gets really timid and shy around you...she wants you, bad. Unless she's an outright bitch, that just means she doesn't like you.
If she faces her entire body toward you and looks interested in everything you say then she is probably feeling you. Whenever I like someone, I care way more about making conversation then usual.


Sexual chemistry is amazing but it's dangerous. I personally think it is just this primitive, raw, sexual attraction toward someone. You just want them, really bad. It is typically short-lived and doesn't really mean anything in the long-run. It's like the human mating dance. You feel this type of chemistry, I think it's pretty obvious.
A different type of chemistry is this immediate feeling of security when you are around that person. They just make you feel comfortable being yourself. The entire positive interaction comes naturally, "small talk" doesn't really exist because no matter what you two start talking about, it is fucking awesome. You can tell if the person is genuinely interested and they ask your opinion and they start opening up about personal things like their family and their feelings.
 
#98 ·
I have caught eyes with this girl a few times across the sales floor. She looked down and away. Once she came up to me, chatted a bit. I asked her about her weekend and stuff, she kind of mirrored me in terms of stance. But the kicker was after the fact where she ran back to do something and came back out walking behind me and slowing down almost pausing as if she wanted to say something or wanted me to say something. Not sure but I took notice. It gave me this weird feeling.

We do talk, I do get a bit suggestive but very vague at times, with a sly smile on my mug. Once she backed into something whilst we where chatting and we both giggled. A few times she has dropped something and smacked herself with something when in the back room with me.

However, she really don't talk to me unless I guess as a last resort. The major discussions we have had where of food, and photography as she know I was a camera junkie. She will talk and almost hang on to another co-worker, younger then I am, better looking then I am, she sometimes follows him around and my buddy told me she followed him around too. Yeah, she is just not interested in working. But then again, I am not always interested in working either.

So, yeah seems like I am the last resort to talk to.

Both of us have trouble with eye contact it seems. She don't hang around me, perhaps she don't need to. A couple times I ended up in the back room with her just chatting and BSing while working.

The thought has occurred to me that she is just using the guys there (including myself) as a babysitter while she goes home to her boyfriend thinking about all the attention and validation all the guys are giving her.

Probably best if I just stop trying to analyze the situation and forget about her. She is taken anyway (though I do wonder just "how taken"). Much younger then I am. And I am not much in the looks department, but she is very easy to make laugh.

Attraction sucks :(
 
#100 ·
I have caught eyes with this girl a few times across the sales floor. She looked down and away. Once she came up to me, chatted a bit. I asked her about her weekend and stuff, she kind of mirrored me in terms of stance. But the kicker was after the fact where she ran back to do something and came back out walking behind me and slowing down almost pausing as if she wanted to say something or wanted me to say something. Not sure but I took notice. It gave me this weird feeling.

We do talk, I do get a bit suggestive but very vague at times, with a sly smile on my mug. Once she backed into something whilst we where chatting and we both giggled. A few times she has dropped something and smacked herself with something when in the back room with me.

However, she really don't talk to me unless I guess as a last resort. The major discussions we have had where of food, and photography as she know I was a camera junkie. She will talk and almost hang on to another co-worker, younger then I am, better looking then I am, she sometimes follows him around and my buddy told me she followed him around too. Yeah, she is just not interested in working. But then again, I am not always interested in working either.

So, yeah seems like I am the last resort to talk to.

Both of us have trouble with eye contact it seems. She don't hang around me, perhaps she don't need to. A couple times I ended up in the back room with her just chatting and BSing while working.

The thought has occurred to me that she is just using the guys there (including myself) as a babysitter while she goes home to her boyfriend thinking about all the attention and validation all the guys are giving her.
Take it from me, stay away from that girl. I know her type all to well I like to refer to them as attention whores. People are more probable to fall in love with someones who lives close or works with them though. She might be into you but shes hanging on other guys and has a boyfriend. Leave it alone, plenty of fish in the sea.
 
#102 ·
Any of you guys (or gals) done any cold approaches to meet women (or guys for you ladies) at like, say a bookstore? It feels to me like I am bugging someone if I want to go up and say "hi" to an attractive lady or something, or perhaps she may think I am a creep or something. But I guess if there is a "buying" signal, it may be a bit easier. What does a socially inept INTP look for before trying a cold approach?

I am sure after a few random, Hello's I may be able to squeak in something more eventually.

This sitting around and waiting for a lady to fall into my lap is not working and honestly, I am starting to feel like a loser. Like I am missing out on life because everyone else around me has a relationship or has kids, or what not. Never mind the fact that I don't drive (pathetic, I know, but I really was never too interested in driving) and live at home mostly because I don't want to be totally alone.
 
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