So this is my first time joining as a member, although I've actually been following the forum for over 8 years now, more or less around the time I was typed as an INFP. This community has actually been my saving grace through many rough patches, helping me realise I'm not alone in the world.
The title says it all, I've been through depression, anxiety, skin-picking disorder, a possible ED and suicide attempts for the last 11 years. I've reached a point where I feel this is all my life's ever going to be, although I do my best to hide that from others.
I feel like I can never really trust anyone, because they'll just leave if they see the "real me". I have a large group of "friends", people whom I can talk to about my problems, who describe me as smart, shy, kind-hearted, gentle and caring, but I don't see myself in their words. I see myself as manipulative, attention-seeking, probably crazy, because that's what I grew up listening to at home. I'm always waiting for my friends to leave and that stops me from being vulnerable with them or opening up about how messed up my self-perception is. It also means no relationship ever goes beyond "friendship". I feel surrounded by people and yet terrifying alone and unworthy of love.
What are your experiences with these kinds of thoughts and feelings? How do you deal with them?