[ISFJ] Stop Helping Everyone or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Help Myself

Stop Helping Everyone or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Help Myself

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This is a discussion on Stop Helping Everyone or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Help Myself within the ISFJ Forum - The Nurturers forums, part of the SJ's Temperament Forum- The Overseers category; lol. I really need to see Dr. Strangelove sometime. I dig the title. Watched "Clockwork Orange" last weekend, which was ...

  1. #1
    ISFJ - The Nurturers

    Stop Helping Everyone or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Help Myself

    lol. I really need to see Dr. Strangelove sometime. I dig the title. Watched "Clockwork Orange" last weekend, which was strange to say the least :P

    Anyways. Onto the thread.
    There are people out there that share this thought:

    "I help everyone, but no one helps me :'( "

    And I believe this is a trend that carries on with us ISFJs and it's time for it to stop ;)

    Took me a bit to wrap my head around this, but look at that statement again. Do you realize how insane it is? The solution is to stop helping people who will not return the favor. It's tough, and I'm still working on it. but I'm making progress.

    Assertiveness is a must. People who are gonna be dicks to you, deserve for you to be a dick back. I save my niceness, for those who are nice to me, genuinely nice. I really like being nice honestly, but Im not gonna be beating myself up over the fact that some people will use that to use me.

    Here's a good example, I'm pretty happy for myself. So at work today, I was working with this girl, and she was talking to a new manager of ours, and they were joking and stuff. Not doing anything. I just got back from break, so she had a till to be able to sell stuff. A customer approaches her till, and she directs him over to my till, and continues talking to the manager. I'm thinking "what the [email protected]? She could easily help them, and not only that, she's not doing ANYTHING instead" so I was getting pretty bent out of shape over this, and annoyed, so I finally decided to do something about it. I went and grabbed a pen, meanwhile checking if she was still logged on to be selling. I go up to her
    "You can sell cards right?"
    "well... yeah I can but..."
    "Alright, I'm going on floor then"
    and I left the counter. And walked around the floor for a couple hours. I mean seriously. This way shes actually doing something, and Im actually doing something. We come to work, to work. Simple as that, and I dont deserve that.

    So i think you really gotta start stating your mind. Start standing up for yourself. I think a few of us deal with stuff like this, and guess what? We kind of bring it on ourselves.
    PyrLove, Aquamarine, Thumper and 5 others thanked this post.



  2. #2
    INTJ - The Scientists

    Good job!

    I actually have problems with this, too. For me, the issue is standing up for myself to people I love. I'm all about saying 'No' to strangers, acquaintances, and co-workers. It's telling my daughter that I need some alone time and don't want watch another anime with her, or telling my SO to do the dishes tonight so I can have some downtime that is difficult.

    I have to remind myself of what the flight attendants tell passengers about the oxygen masks: Put yours on first, then help the person with you.

  3. #3
    ISFJ - The Nurturers

    @ChanceyRose - I understand !! lol. Yeah same, I find it hard to say 'no' and stuff to family. but for sure, you gotta look after your well-being, as should the people you are saying 'no' too :)
    PyrLove thanked this post.

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  5. #4
    ISFJ - The Nurturers

    Quote Originally Posted by bob_toeback View Post
    lol. I really need to see Dr. Strangelove sometime. I dig the title. Watched "Clockwork Orange" last weekend, which was strange to say the least :P

    Anyways. Onto the thread.
    There are people out there that share this thought:

    "I help everyone, but no one helps me :'( "

    And I believe this is a trend that carries on with us ISFJs and it's time for it to stop ;)

    Took me a bit to wrap my head around this, but look at that statement again. Do you realize how insane it is? The solution is to stop helping people who will not return the favor. It's tough, and I'm still working on it. but I'm making progress.

    Assertiveness is a must. People who are gonna be dicks to you, deserve for you to be a dick back. I save my niceness, for those who are nice to me, genuinely nice. I really like being nice honestly, but Im not gonna be beating myself up over the fact that some people will use that to use me.

    Here's a good example, I'm pretty happy for myself. So at work today, I was working with this girl, and she was talking to a new manager of ours, and they were joking and stuff. Not doing anything. I just got back from break, so she had a till to be able to sell stuff. A customer approaches her till, and she directs him over to my till, and continues talking to the manager. I'm thinking "what the [email protected]? She could easily help them, and not only that, she's not doing ANYTHING instead" so I was getting pretty bent out of shape over this, and annoyed, so I finally decided to do something about it. I went and grabbed a pen, meanwhile checking if she was still logged on to be selling. I go up to her
    "You can sell cards right?"
    "well... yeah I can but..."
    "Alright, I'm going on floor then"
    and I left the counter. And walked around the floor for a couple hours. I mean seriously. This way shes actually doing something, and Im actually doing something. We come to work, to work. Simple as that, and I dont deserve that.

    So i think you really gotta start stating your mind. Start standing up for yourself. I think a few of us deal with stuff like this, and guess what? We kind of bring it on ourselves.
    its just so scary though because that girl could have an in with the manager and get you in trouble. She can say you are not a team player and you abandoned her in the till. Yes its unfair but thats why i hate jobs like that. :( I feel like people will literally judge you as a bad person (even say so) when you stop being the person that does all for everyone and thats why its so hard to stop. I dont like being thought of as a bad or selfish person and while i know its not true, it still hurts for some reason.
    PyrLove thanked this post.

  6. #5
    ISFJ - The Nurturers

    My mom recently told me to stop hanging out with my former best friend on her schedule all the time, because whenever she beckons, I'm there. It's hard, because I haven't been doing anything for the last month (since the school year ended and I haven't found work) so I accept any invitation to go out and do something, but she's walked all over me and said terrible things to me for years now. I justify my decisions based on my boredom and the good times I had with her, but I can completely see where I'm being too nice to someone who won't accept me as family after I've been there for her more than everyone in her real family. It makes me even more angry because her last two relationships have been with guys who are very close to their families, and she gets highly involved in their families really quickly.

    ^See? Right now, I'm explaining everything to try to make my decisions seem better. I know I have a lot to work on, but I've been recognizing my problems a lot easier lately. I hope I can be like you, and stand up for myself better.

  7. #6
    ISFJ - The Nurturers

    @Mendi the ISFJ - Yeah I know. But its silly. I mean, she IS dating one of the managers >> but jesus christ, Im not gonna be walked all over. If they talk to me though, I'll just say I was working, and she wasn't. Because thats the truth of the matter.
    @emily64 - Yeah I can dig it, we try and rationalize our sadness. By saying we are helping them, or that we wanted to, or didnt want to do something else. and it really is hard to over come. There's a book my brother told me about, I havent read it yet. Its called "The Flinch" you can find it on Amazon kindle books and its free. Its basically about how we rationalize ourselves out of things before actually trying them and stuff. Its got a bunch of things to try so you can overcome it. First being taking a 5 min cold shower and not rationalizing your way out of it. I did this morning, had a 7 min one. Pretty powerful :P

  8. #7
    INTJ - The Scientists

    It can be really difficult to let go of the negative people and behaviors. When I've had to do that I'm always torn up with the fear of what, if anything, will replace them. @emily64 , you mentioned that you jump at the chance to get out because you don't have that much opportunity to do so. I know it's unnerving to think that you may be stuck at home so why not take this chance to get out on your own? By letting go of the negative person you leave room for someone or something more positive. You have to love and respect yourself before you have any love or respect to give away.
    Mendi the ISFJ, emily64 and teddy564339 thanked this post.

  9. #8
    ISFJ - The Nurturers

    bob,

    Seems like you made a bold first step. I'm not sure if I would've done that if I were in your position.

    But let me ask you, how would you feel about approaching this girl afterwards and verbally confronting her about the situation? I.e. explain to her that when she is on the job and chatting with other employees while you are working, you feel frustrated because you still have to work hard while she is just standing there not helping out. THIS would save you the internal anger build-up that will certainly keep happening if you never confront this girl and she never changes her work habits.

    Just a thought
    teddy564339 thanked this post.

  10. #9
    ISFJ - The Nurturers

    @old_bean - lol, yeah that's a tough one right there. We'll see. I'm probably working with her again today so we'll see how that goes... Might just need to tell her how it is lol.

  11. #10
    ISFJ - The Nurturers

    Quote Originally Posted by ChanceyRose View Post
    Good job!

    I actually have problems with this, too. For me, the issue is standing up for myself to people I love. I'm all about saying 'No' to strangers, acquaintances, and co-workers. It's telling my daughter that I need some alone time and don't want watch another anime with her, or telling my SO to do the dishes tonight so I can have some downtime that is difficult.

    I have to remind myself of what the flight attendants tell passengers about the oxygen masks: Put yours on first, then help the person with you.
    I have the same problem too.

    So now I'm asking ' Why does it have to be so difficult?'. I know people won't judge or be angry at me but I FEEL like they will. And then I will agonise over that FEELING until it becomes a mountain out of a molehill.

    I don't think I am a drama queen because I am not doing it for attention. I feel (there it is again) like I can't help myself and where my mind goes...
    PyrLove and bob_toeback thanked this post.


     
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