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Low Self-Esteem

[ISFJ] 
8K views 6 replies 6 participants last post by  Lady K 
#1 ·
I've recently discovered that my mom is ISFJ. She's a great person and wonderful mother. One thing that makes me sad though is how she seems to have extremely low self-esteem. She will put herself down a lot and say negative things about herself. No matter how many times I try to tell her the opposite it just seems like she doesn't believe it.

For example: She doesn't know how to drive. She often mentions that she wishes she could drive to go to the store, visit my brother at the cemetery or just have a little bit more freedom as to not have to depend on other people. When others express their interest in teaching her how to drive she will immediately say something like "I'm too old to learn anything new," or "Your brain is much better than mine, I'm not good at learning anything," or even "I'm just not good at anything."

Is very low self-esteem common among ISFJs? And if so, how can one help you understand how wonderful you people truly are? :sad:
 
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#2 ·
I think it's just that ISFJs get very set in their world. For instance, my mom and I are both ISFJs, but we both handle some situations with my sister differently and we've talked about it. She just figures my sister is going to walk all over her and that she just has to go with it, that's just how the world is in general. I have told her that I'm not okay with getting walked on. I love people and I don't mind being helpful to my loved ones, but I won't get walked on. Our talking about it hasn't really changed the point of view for either of us.

It seems to be common for ISFJs to get cornered into a very negative world though. They're just so nice and people don't give them the recognition they deserve, so it's just easy to start believing and finding information that reinforces the belief that they are lesser.

I'd say the best thing with your mom is to praise her for specific things she does. She's looking at what she isn't, but she needs to know that others recognize specific good things that she is.
 
#3 ·
My mother is an ISFJ as well and that sounds very like her. Her main issue isn't driving but learning english language. She would immediately change subject to something else when I ask her about it. I would try to go back to original topic but she would make jokes or just even just quit conversation. It is very frustrating >.<

Sometimes she comes through as having low-self esteem as well, though she very rarely makes self-deprecating comments. It is as if something inside her telling her that she cannot, that she won't, that she is not able to, just to keep her locked down in this fixed position. I haven't found how to remedy this. If I lived home I'd just sit down with her couple times a week and make her do it, but long-distance I can't persuade her to make any effort in that direction.
 
#4 ·
I can relate to that, and it fits my mum a bit too - she's set in being 'not academic like [my] father', not good at technology, or knowing how to drive. She seems to be able to balance this with things she's good at, and the self-deprecation comes across more as humour, though I suspect there's probaly a more serious edge to it.

She's told me she didn't start speaking until she was three, due to circumstances at home - I think this is perhaps the same thing, an undertone of not thinking things can change, a sort of 'No one will hear me/No one will listen'.

I relate to it in my perfectionism - not being able to fill impossible standards I've created - and to an extent how socially capable I am. Through my mum's support I've changed it a little - it's a confidence thing. I've mentioned it before in a topic, my mum worded it along the lines of that I've decided they (the person I'm with) don't care about me, that I'm there, or have any interest in what I've got to say, essentially that they probably don't like me. This comes from being the 'weird' kid in school at about 4-6, eventually changing schools because I didn't fit in.
So it feels like what's the point of putting myself through that stress and pain.

I wouldn't say it relates so much to being a doormat for me, or being too nice.


How to help...uhm...

Criticism is something I can only take when it's put forward in a very unagressive, even lighthearted way, by someone I respect, and tends to be honest...

I'm not actually sure...I guess it was nice, this one time when I got very drunk and texted a friend and ended up spilling a load of stuff, and they were just very reassuring and affectionate, using examples, focusing their attention on me - I felt reassured they were intested, cared, and were being honest and direct. I could feel the sincerity in their words I guess. I know they would have hugged me if they'd have been there physically. Although hugging can need to be a bit...situationally appropriate, and to the person - my mum, who's not very physically demonstrative I would feel uncomfortale being hugged by.

I hate feeling like I'm in a chair with an intense psychoanalyst - I tried counselling and it just made me feel tense - too much too soon with someone I didn't know well or had a chance to get a feel for. I can take it with my mum, but that feels more like thoughtful consideration and advice from a figure of authrority who cares.

But I don't really like being put on the spot with someone.
 
#5 ·
I relate to it in my perfectionism - not being able to fill impossible standards I've created
This is where I would say that my low-self esteem comes from. I am not surprised that most ISFJs seem to have or do have problems in this area. I don't agree that it's going to be about how nice we are though. I imagine we're all probably just too hard on ourselves. Constantly wanting things to be right, to be good, perfect, including ourselves.
 
#6 ·
My mom is also an ISFJ with low self esteem. She seems to have it though because of having a very cold family life growing up. Also, she says that when her parents were angry she used to joke by putting herself down and it was the only time her mother would laugh and it basically reinforced the behavior. It's a reall sad situation and it makes me angry.
 
#7 ·
My situation was kind of the opposite, but definitely reinforced by my family. My father was physically abusive, and I spent the majority of my childhood trying to be "a good girl" so that he would stop hurting me. The behavior was reinforced further when we discovered he had a mental disorder and his doctors told me that I just had to be good, and he would be able to control himself with his new medicine. He wasn't able to control himself all the time, and I thought it was my fault when he hurt me, because of what they said. As a result, I believe I've spent the rest of my life in fear of failing at anything, being bad at anything because it means bad things happens.
 
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