[ISFJ] What's an INFP to do to give back and give affection?

What's an INFP to do to give back and give affection?

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This is a discussion on What's an INFP to do to give back and give affection? within the ISFJ Forum - The Nurturers forums, part of the SJ's Temperament Forum- The Overseers category; I'm adventurous and very much outwardly so. I've got this friend who I've finally gotten close to, due to a ...

  1. #1
    INFP - The Idealists

    What's an INFP to do to give back and give affection?

    I'm adventurous and very much outwardly so. I've got this friend who I've finally gotten close to, due to a fair amount of chance, but she's really interesting. I've never had anyone like her in my life before. She doesn't share much, but what I've managed to extract convinces me that she might be even more daring and incredible than I am! And smarter and wiser, obviously, though I'm hardly shabby myself.

    I wrote all this down and gave it to her, and she seems to have taken it well. I come off strong, and my words are even more glaring, but she's doing a lot of things to protect me and comfort this tortured soul. Not the reaction I was expecting. She helps more than anything I've tried or hypothesized. I almost don't know how to react when she swings her arm on my shoulder and walks on. I'm only familiar with high-fiving, superficial external emotion. But this is so much better. I can separate everything else for the moment, which is something I can never do. And my thoughts don't race. She's a living soothing opiate. I've never been luckier.

    My excellent, valiant ISFJ's, I know her tensions and troubles equal mine at the least. She made me burden her. There's something so easy and accessible to her, that I can tap into deep-set issues that I don't let anyone know about. But how do I reciprocate? I hate how I might make her feel used, and myself, for being so narcissistic and needy.

    Thanks for your time and perspectives! Best of luck saving the world, and would-be-heroes like me! I run straight for the fire. :D



  2. #2
    ISFJ - The Nurturers

    Not all ISFJ's are the same, but if she's like me, I would say the biggest thing is to make sure you tell how much you appreciate her and what she does for you, especially when she does things you value. Just make sure she knows you love, appreciate and value her. It's also helpful to be a good listener any time she has any problems, issues or concerns that she wants to vent about.

  3. #3
    INFP - The Idealists

    Fairly straightforward. Alright, just keep open about communication then, which I always do. No dramatic gestures? That's too bad. Those are my favorite to orchestrate.

    But why does she hide her problems from me? I understand the not wanting to be a burden thing, but it doesn't burden me at all. In fact, watching her suffer gives me much more pain.

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  5. #4
    ISFJ - The Nurturers

    Quote Originally Posted by mintyphoenix View Post
    But why does she hide her problems from me? I understand the not wanting to be a burden thing, but it doesn't burden me at all. In fact, watching her suffer gives me much more pain.
    Well, first of all, you have to make sure this is clear to her if you haven't already. You have to very clearly spell out to her that you would much rather her confide in you rather than watch her in pain.


    But how you respond to her when she tells you her problems is also very important. I think this thread spells out my feelings on that pretty well:

    https://personalitycafe.com/isfj-foru...rrections.html



    So sometimes it takes an ISFJ a while to get completely comfortable opening up to someone. For me, I have to know that I'm not bothering the person, and I also have to know that they won't try to change me or judge me, just accept me for who I am.
    mintyphoenix thanked this post.

  6. #5
    INFP - The Idealists

    Ok, thanks. I'm going to read through that thread.

    What I am concerned with is if I have gotten myself in unnecessary danger trusting so much and easily. I confide in people I deem thoughtful and compassionate. I've never been exploited or betrayed, because my strong intuition has never been wrong before when it came to choosing friends. I've been extremely careful. I constantly evaluate and refine my choices, test them too. But I can't so much get a read on this ISFJ. So, are you guys deceitful at all? Because I just realized how much damage she is capable of doing, if she ever became spiteful...

    And that would crush me, with pulverizing force.

    I think she's great, but is that part of your darkness? For us, we get darkly moody and cynical. But we don't really lash out.


  7. #6
    ISFJ - The Nurturers

    Quote Originally Posted by mintyphoenix View Post
    But I can't so much get a read on this ISFJ. So, are you guys deceitful at all? Because I just realized how much damage she is capable of doing, if she ever became spiteful...

    And that would crush me, with pulverizing force.

    I think she's great, but is that part of your darkness? For us, we get darkly moody and cynical. But we don't really lash out.

    Trigun64 kind of mentioned this a little in this thread:

    https://personalitycafe.com/isfj-foru...seriously.html

    Quote Originally Posted by Trigun64
    One of the problems that people do not realize is that ISFJ's have the capacity to just destroy people because of there Si. We had, if provoked, the ability to just go over every imperfection and every deep seated concern that another has, and just bring those to the surface and utterly humiliate and degrade someone. We do not do this, because its not the right thing to do. Thats one of the things that make ISFJ's interesting, we have this powerful and horrible ability that is balanced out by our nature.

    People are so trusting of us that sometimes they do not even realize it. I have had people talk to me, and then when I bring up something we talked about later, they can not believe that they shared that with me. People also take this trust for granted. They will just pour out all of their problems and concerns on and ISFJ, but whenever an ISFJ needs someone, it is very hard to get them to listen.

    The biggest thing that happens for ISFJ's is that we bottle up emotions too long and then they come bursting out in one big wave of negativity. So ISFJ's in general do need to practice healthy ways of sharing our problems and letting out our emotions.


    I don't know if deceitful is the right word for the ISFJ dark side...I think maybe disingenuous would be a better word.
    mintyphoenix thanked this post.

  8. #7
    ISFJ - The Nurturers

    Quote Originally Posted by teddy564339 View Post
    The biggest thing that happens for ISFJ's is that we bottle up emotions too long and then they come bursting out in one big wave of negativity. So ISFJ's in general do need to practice healthy ways of sharing our problems and letting out our emotions.
    I agree with this. I've said this elsewhere too, but I know that I need to talk to people or else if I let it go for too long it does come out in this huge wave (and a lot of 'old' resentments will turn up). I have some 'safe people' I vent to on a regular basis to avoid this kind of blow up too often.

    mintyphoenix: I think it's safe to trust an ISFJ but if they are anything like me you would need to talk things through with them, and notice when they are getting stressed, or else they could let loose with the devastating things they know when they do explode. Now I know that for me personally, I can bring those things back up to the person but I wouldn't betray the confidence to anyone else, so the explosion will be at the person concerned, not to a third party. I don't know if that helps your fears or not, but even if I get spiteful I don't tell other people things about anyone.
    mintyphoenix thanked this post.

  9. #8
    INFP - The Idealists

    Ok, thanks. I understand that you are not malicious, which is reassuring.

    But this part scares me greatly:

    "We had, if provoked, the ability to just go over every imperfection and every deep seated concern that another has, and just bring those to the surface and utterly humiliate and degrade someone. We do not do this, because its not the right thing to do."

    I'm not the provoking, pushy, mean type, so I don't think I would be the cause of her ever losing control. And facing her wrath afterward. But I have witnessed her manipulating me by exploiting my values, catering her argument to my Achilles's Heels. I was not happy with her when she tried that to get her way. I still head steadfast and staunchly refused. But she succeeded in making me feel terrible.

    She knows too much though, truths that are best left buried. The public would have a field day if some of this stuff came out. And I'm really camera shy.

  10. #9
    INFP - The Idealists

    Sts, you did allay my worst fears.

    "Now I know that for me personally, I can bring those things back up to the person but I wouldn't betray the confidence to anyone else, so the explosion will be at the person concerned, not to a third party. I don't know if that helps your fears or not, but even if I get spiteful I don't tell other people things about anyone."

    I'm ok if she wants to use it as shot if she's aiming it at me. It'd just be horrifying if she told the world. I realize she would have to be absolutely sinister to do this... To me, she's lovable and angelic. Since SJs are unfamiliar territory for me, I want to get a better feel for you guys. You know, just in case.

    Thanks for taking the time to reply. :D Means a bunch to me.

  11. #10
    ISFJ - The Nurturers

    Personally, even if I did blow up at someone over many, many problems, I would NEVER air their problems out to the world.

    I am a good listener and confidant for my friends, someone they can talk to and know it will go nowhere. In fact, my girlfriend was actually surprised that the innocent comments she makes haven't made there way to anyone else, that I'm a "black hole."

    A great example is when I was assisting a friend on a school film and I started chatting with one of the actors about video games. The conversation developed and led to him talking about his home life and close matters to his heart, and he commented "why am I telling you this? I don't usually, you just seem like someone to talk to." That chance conversation has actually developed into a possible friendship that I look forward to pursuing.

    Do I, personally, unburden myself easily? No. I have few friends I share by burdens with, and those I do talk to, when I REALLY really need to, have earned that privilege through years of close friendship. Now, none of those friends actively pursued my inner thoughts and sought to unburden me, like you are seeking to do, but it still takes time.

    Just a few of my thoughts, take them as my personal experience and thoughts on this subject, nothing more. :)
    mintyphoenix, sts06 and Trigun64 thanked this post.


     
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