[ISFJ] Please help me with my dilemma

Please help me with my dilemma

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  • 1 Post By hello317
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This is a discussion on Please help me with my dilemma within the ISFJ Forum - The Nurturers forums, part of the SJ's Temperament Forum- The Overseers category; My brother rents an apartment with me and my husband. He has gone through some things such as a divorce ...

  1. #1
    ISFJ - The Nurturers

    Please help me with my dilemma

    My brother rents an apartment with me and my husband. He has gone through some things such as a divorce and foreclosure. He has a full time job that pays a decent wage (nothing extravagant). He owns two vehicles, both of which are not running and have expired plates. He claims that it will be very expensive to fix them up to plate them. He is generous with me as im not currently working. He buys things for the home and fixes things ocassionally.

    About 6 months ago i started letting my brother borrow the car to go to work. This leaves me without a ride, but because im not currently working a steady job (ocassionally translating) so i dont need the car every day. When i know in advance that i will need the car he does try and find a ride. He mentions that he worries that the people giving him a ride are not super happy about it.

    I need to make some changes with the car that will either require that he either pay the insurance or not drive the car any more at all. How would you approach this... considering that he will not have a ride to work and with very little notice? I dont want to be the bad guy but i cant just let this continue. Any suggestions?



  2. #2
    Unknown

    My approach would be to be as direct and honest about what's going on as possible, which gives him all the information he needs to understand and to pick a solution that works best for him.

  3. #3
    ISFJ - The Nurturers

    Ive discussed it with him and told him that i need to use the car more often as its mine... but he hasnt taken any steps to get another ride. I understand how it sucks when you dont have money and dont have anyone to help you so i feel really guilty thinking about taking it away completely.

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  5. #4
    Unknown

    Quote Originally Posted by Mendi the ISFJ View Post
    Ive discussed it with him and told him that i need to use the car more often as its mine... but he hasnt taken any steps to get another ride. I understand how it sucks when you dont have money and dont have anyone to help you so i feel really guilty thinking about taking it away completely.
    I can understand that you would feel guilty about this, but I think your best bet is to be direct about it. Try, "I need my car back, starting a week from next Monday." If you're specific like this, it demonstrates that he can't do it on his terms. This gives him more than enough time to find another means of transportation.

  6. #5
    ISFJ - The Nurturers

    I can see that how you would feel guilty about this. I would have too. But......why can't he take public transportation. That way, everyone's happy. If he doesn't have enough money to take public transportation, he should have sold the cars. He can't just take your car forever. It's fine if it's just for a few months. There has to be a certain period that he's going to borrow the car. It won't be unlimited time.

    My way of approaching it is to tell him to sell his cars. It's hard to tell him directly as we don't like to hurt people's feelings. We don't wanna be the bad guy. So by telling him to take public transportation, hopefully he gets it. If no....then you have to tell him bluntly.
    Stephen thanked this post.

  7. #6
    ISFJ - The Nurturers

    Quote Originally Posted by hello317 View Post
    I can see that how you would feel guilty about this. I would have too. But......why can't he take public transportation. That way, everyone's happy. If he doesn't have enough money to take public transportation, he should have sold the cars. He can't just take your car forever. It's fine if it's just for a few months. There has to be a certain period that he's going to borrow the car. It won't be unlimited time.

    My way of approaching it is to tell him to sell his cars. It's hard to tell him directly as we don't like to hurt people's feelings. We don't wanna be the bad guy. So by telling him to take public transportation, hopefully he gets it. If no....then you have to tell him bluntly.
    there is no public transportation that goes from where we live to his work. He could take a taxi but they are so expensive that he wouldnt. He doesnt have alot of friends, so he usually relies on family, none of the rest of the family lives within a 30 min drive.

  8. #7
    ISFJ - The Nurturers

    Quote Originally Posted by Mendi the ISFJ View Post
    there is no public transportation that goes from where we live to his work. He could take a taxi but they are so expensive that he wouldnt. He doesnt have alot of friends, so he usually relies on family, none of the rest of the family lives within a 30 min drive.
    If that's the case, then he needs to rent his own house where he could take public transportation. Or if he lives closer to his work place, he could just go there by foot. I understand that he's short in budget, but he's working. That's also why he should sell his cars. I know this sounds very mean as you two are siblings. But sometimes there's no choice.


    P.S. I notice that there are more people riding a bike now. Maybe he could try this too.

  9. #8
    ISFJ - The Nurturers

    Quote Originally Posted by hello317 View Post
    If that's the case, then he needs to rent his own house where he could take public transportation. Or if he lives closer to his work place, he could just go there by foot. I understand that he's short in budget, but he's working. That's also why he should sell his cars. I know this sounds very mean as you two are siblings. But sometimes there's no choice.
    i dont see him moving, and selling his non-running cars will make very little money if anything, but i guess its just time that i dont care anymore about this, i will need a car and i cant let him have it forever.

  10. #9
    ISFJ - The Nurturers

    Quote Originally Posted by Mendi the ISFJ View Post
    i dont see him moving, and selling his non-running cars will make very little money if anything, but i guess its just time that i dont care anymore about this, i will need a car and i cant let him have it forever.
    If you really need a car, then it's a perfect excuse to tell him bluntly. It's the truth, it's not like you make this up. So don't be afraid to tell him.

    He could ride a bike if it's not too far btw.
    Stephen and LotusBlossom thanked this post.

  11. #10
    ISFJ - The Nurturers

    This is a super frustrating situation. Let me see if I can help:

    You know what? If he needs his own car then he needs his own car. Put your foot down. You're not being the bad guy. I promise.

    Say, "I've given you plenty of time to figure out your own mean of getting to work. You cannot be dependent on me forever. I need to use the car. You have two cars. Fix them somehow and use one." I mean, come on.

    He is a grown man with a full-time job. He can budget his money so he can fix one of his cars or get a new one. I know people who have bought used cars for super cheap and they run. Tell him to get his butt in gear by a certain date because you need the car yourself. Give him, like, two weeks to find another means and then that is his means of transportation from now on. As, @Stephen said, be specific and clear.

    Don't be afraid. Tell people what you need. Communication goes a long way. Put your foot down.
    Stephen thanked this post.


     

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