[ISFP] New relationship with ISFP male - have I messed it up already? How do I make it up

New relationship with ISFP male - have I messed it up already? How do I make it up

Hello Guest! Sign up to join the discussion below...
Page 1 of 2 1 2 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 13
Thank Tree12Thanks

This is a discussion on New relationship with ISFP male - have I messed it up already? How do I make it up within the ISFP Forum - The Artists forums, part of the SP's Temperament Forum- The Creators category; Ok so I've been with this guy who I'm near certain is an ISFP. Everything I've read seems to fit ...

  1. #1

    New relationship with ISFP male - have I messed it up already? How do I make it up

    Ok so I've been with this guy who I'm near certain is an ISFP. Everything I've read seems to fit him perfectly. I feel really strongly for him and the attraction was immediate and intense. I think this is the closest to love I've ever been.. I love how he's so in the moment, seems balanced, sensitive, empathetic but also casual, spontaneous and no pressure which is similar to me. It's like he is opposite to me in the in all the areas that I'm lacking. Cheesy as it sounds but the ying to my yang. But then similar to me on all the essential qualities that really matter to me. I guess it's the deepness and openness which I like and then as well as that he compliments my flaws, balances me out, shows me a whole new world, we make eachother laugh. He is a talented artist and I think he's basically a genius in ways which I don't think I could ever really be as they seem naturally to him it's just him and for him it's basically just a way to express himself. I actually wish I was ISFP! But that's another story. I think so far and on paper it is the type that I most admire for sure. Like a really great beautiful mystery. And I like mystery, puzzles, things which I don't fully understand...

    So anyway a bit if background, we are both trying to find our feet in a new city. We both moved here two months ago and met as soon as we'd moved. We'd met up a few times in the first month. Slept together. Then I got freaked out for some reason. I think it was feeling a loss of power or control or something made me feel insecure. I felt like he didn't really know me and I started questioning if he really liked me even though he had sent me some sweet messages which I appreciated but didn't know how to reply to. So I ended up sending him a message saying that I think we should stop seeing eachother for a couple of weeks just to sort my head/life out first as I've only just moved here and there's too much going on and we don't really know eachother. He was upset but seemed to sort of understand in the end. I really just wanted it to be perfect and to be really good to him and for it to be as good in real life as it felt in my head. I wanted to make sure the circumstances were as good as they could be before proceeding as I really liked him a lot but noticed our differences and really wanted it to work I scared that it wouldn't I wanted things to be right.

    So that worked out ok in the end he seemed to forget about it anyway and after a two week break we then spent the next month together seeing eachother a lot and it was great. A few minor hiccups earlier on but I was happy. Then he had to go away for two weeks over Christmas as he'd already booked it. So far he's been away a week. I'd quit my job so now he's away I have to find a new one and a new place to live as I had to move out of my old place actually just a couple days before he left so I'm actually sub letting his room at the moment as we thought it would be easier for both if us that way and didn't seem awkward to do. However, I've been feeling pretty down this last week. The weather is cold and I don't have many other friends here. But really I know it's silly but I sort of feel like I don't have my own life or space. His room is too small for all my stuff so there's no where to put it. Anyway I've been feeling a bit down understandably but fine. Hes been calling me everyday and everything was fine. Then one day I guess I felt a bit more down for various reason and I felt on the phone I had said little things which were too personal. Not about being depressed or anything too weird just things that I wouldn't usually share but was feeling lonely so said something just to make contact/conversation.

    Then I started freaking out again thinking he wouldn't fancy me anymore and he would start taking me for granted or something. You see I like to maintain a level of mystery and space it's my character and I feel part of my attractiveness. I feel I'd said something which was over familiar and not part of my character. I felted insecure and not like myself which is a feeling which really scares me (probably something do to with because that's how my ex bf used to make me feel and he treated me badly and took me for granted). So I messed up. I sent him this horrible spiteful message saying how I don't why he was surprised when I said I sort if fancied a guy at one of my house viewings, did he expect me to be thinking about him all the time or something? that he's been away a week and I've forgot about him (ow!) and he'll have to start over with me when I get back. Reading it back now it's horrible. Again I felt a loss of control and wanted him to fancy me and not to think I was being over familiar. I think that what I thought was my worst fear, falling out of the fun phase if the relationship by over familiarity and him not fancying me and thinking I'm stupid. Now I realise I am stupid and that is far worse and I dealt with things in the worst way. I just went mad.

    Now I feel awful like a really bad person and terrified I've ruined everything. He half acted ok about it but then it must have really pissed him off inside because he sent me these weird messages and some sick joke to get back at me where he pretended he had an STI and said he doesn't know how many house viewings I've been on implying I've been sleeping with other guys as done sort of joke. I'm sure exactly what to make of it. He jokes a lot about his little insecurities sometimes but nothing like this in this spiteful way to get me back. It has really upset and affected me even though I know it was a weird joke. I feel he did it to ruin things on purpose so he wouldn't have to break up with me and have responsibility as he probably doesn't know what to make of my horrible text but hates me now. We've since talked on the phone like its ok, he suggested I stay at his place with him for extra week and we halve the rent and he said he doesn't mind but he clearly does he must do it was really awful what I said. I've tried to apologise as best I can... Now I'm crying, drinking vodka by myself and I have this empty numb pain in my chest. What can I do? Have I ruined it? Is it too late? I love him I just want things to be perfect I just have a really stupid, bitchy way of trying to solve or not solve things sometimes. I feel this time I've gone too far and it's over but he won't say it or admit it. I just want things back how did I even manage to do this.

    Sorry for the long rambling essay. It's hard for me to write down my thoughts concisely at the best if times. And thank you very much in advance to anyone who reads it and replies with any insights or feedback.



  2. #2
    ISFP - The Artists

    I've been debating whether or not to reply to this... I hate, hate, hate giving relationship advice. I think it seldom helps, especially because we don't and can't know the whole situation, and can never know the other person's side, so we can't know what he or she is thinking, nor why they are doing or saying what they are (we seldom understand ourselves, for that matter), so advice is generally nothing more than a shot in the dark. Plus, I hate messy relationship stuff... ;-)

    However, when I see an INTP with ISFP, in particular, when the INTP is female and ISFP male, I somehow feel compelled to speak up.

    My first line of advice regarding INTP-ISFP relationships is almost always...

    RUN AWAY!!!

    There are certain relationships that will always struggle to which MBTI can give insights (or Socionics, for that matter--this is one area where the two are in agreement). These relationships are the sort that are called "enigma" relationship in MBTI and "Super Ego" relationship in Socionics. What they are are when the two of you have the exact same functions, but in inverted order, and inverted orientation. Let me illustrate:

    ISFP INTP
    Fi Ti
    Se Ne
    Ni Si
    Te Fe

    Notice that my strongest is Fi, and your weakest is Fe. My weakest is Te, and your strongest is Ti. Opposite ends, opposite orientations. Socionics adds that my point of least resistance or my vulnerable function is Ne, and yours is Se. Whether we call it this or not, what happens is that the INTP hates the most to give up autonomy/self-determination. So, what you experienced, that feeling of loss of control is related to his Se, which is his visible strong point. His ability to manipulate the physical world around him, and navigate it, and seemingly make you do what he wants is like a punch in your gut (or a threat on your sovereignty), and it scares you, and you will tend to lash out irrationally--typically using your Ne. Now, my weak point of vulnerability is Ne. This means I'm afraid of not understanding or being able to foresee what is coming. Fear of the future, or fear of not understanding, knowing or coming to terms with (or appearing to not understand. So, when your extroverted strength--Ne kicks in, it sets me on edge, makes me nervous, and I tend to lash out.

    So, you lash out, and I lash out. How do we lash out? I tend to lash out with my Te. Cold, emotionless sarcasm, bitter incriminations, attacks on your credibility or competence--an attack on your strong points, so to speak. You lash out, on the other hand, with Fe. Make me feel unwelcome, unkind or inhuman or worse, unworthy. The irony is that most of the time, this all happens without you being aware of it. Most of these interactions are subtle, and not intentional. By that I mean that naturally, what you are strong at threatens me, and what I'm strong at threatens you. We both feel like the other is undermining the relationship, or devaluing us, but the truth is that neither of these is true. Of course, what happens is that it can quickly escalate consciousness, and then, the fights are EPIC! That is what has happened to you two. I think that the reason it happened so fast is because both of you are under a lot of stress, and are being forced to live outside your comfort zone, so it was able to quickly escalate.

    My real point is this. This is the sort of relationship you can expect long-term. It won't really get better or easier. Now, if you are both well and truly committed to each other, you may be able to overcome these topsy-turvy self-view/other-view issues, but I can speak from long experience that it won't be easy. This early in your relationship, you really have to ask yourself if this is the sort of life you want to subject your ISFP friend to. You see, everything you are suffering, he's also suffering. You both think the other is sabotaging the relationship, when this is not the case at all.

    However, from my opinion, it is worse in the relationship for the INTP than the ISFP. ISFPs tend to have short memories, and are very emotionally resilient at the heart of it. They may seem fragile on the outside, but they can put up with a lot, because they are emotionally able to vent without outside interference or help. But the inferior Fe in the INTP truly is fragile, and prone to being broken, and having difficulties healing. Add that to other facets of the personality type--and the potential for long-term dissatisfaction, regret and pain, and you have a very unhappy long-term relationship potential.

    I'm sorry I can't paint a rosy picture for you, but it's only fair that you know up front what you are getting yourself into. I really can't offer advice, just enlightenment...

  3. #3

    WELL LADY YOUR IN LUCK

    intp types tent to over think everything and dont always concider what other people are feeling but at the same time thery try there best to show peple they really care about how much they care about them they take this to the extreme and can become over barring and over complicate even the simplist of situations.

    if you show that you are insecure
    isfps are very good with emotions and feelings they have a great deal of tolence for peoples need for emotional expression even when it comes out kinda choatic. my guess is the only reason why it would not work out is becuase your over analysing everything its like your Ne is seeing a million possiblities out of a single situation..

    the only time when a intp goes into a state like yours is when they are not sure of what is going on so let me tell you this

    as a isfp what we feel for people dont just change because they are acting weird we always check to see what is really going on and if we say stuff that is abit unlike us we also feel angry at ourselfs for doing so

    my guess is that you must just relax and dont over think so much and just relax
    if he was done with you he would have told you to go
    unless he is a guy who dont have a proper value system.
    but if he does that he would not just say mean things and wait for you to leave that is stupid.

    he would tell you straight forward that he dont want to see you again.

    what you can do is talk to him directly bring up the subject and tell him how you feel and tell him how you were feeling lonely and al the insecurity stuff and all that you said in the post ask his advice on it like you doing here and he will problely appriciate the fact that you opened up to him and start expressing how he felt about the whole thing.

    just leaving it will course the bollon to pop later on so deal with it as soon as possibel if he is not back yet call him and talk about sort it out A.S.A.P

    THATS MY ADVICE FROM A ISFP.
    if i was him and you did this to me and i even suspected that you cheated on me i would first check to see liek
    Kasatka and sometimes thanked this post.

  4. #4
    Unknown

    I can only second @ferroequinologist

    I discussed this relation with an INTP friend and he said to me that if he knew me in any other setting,
    he would feel threatened by me. I know exactly what he means cause it is so easy to feel the other is a threat.
    We meet at most once a month, often less and we need to keep that distance to not overwhelm each other.

    If I where you I would move on from such a close relation with him at first chance.
    You are stuck with the emotional bum end as pointed out.
    For all our seeming heart on the sleeve we really can take a lot of punishment.

    Now if you really want to pursue it, nothing is impossible.
    But you better educate yourself pretty deeply on the issues.
    And be prepared to bear the brunt of the lifting.
    Unless you are real lucky and get him interested in types as well.
    Even then it will not be easy, prepare to sacrifice a lot.

    Socionics - the16types.info - Superego relations
    sometimes thanked this post.

  5. #5

    that is so true

    intps can be a hand full and they can suck the life out of you because they are inferior fe and like all fe types they need to connect with people and feed from the crowd but there fe is not the most balanced function so they tent to keep it to themselves and not get to involved with people unless they see the person can give them something of value..

    isfp is very similar in this respect but the main diffence is that they approach people with a emotional stand point keeping there friend small because of people taking advantage of them they also suck people dry but more interms of sorting out there issue on a thinking level

    the strange thing is a intp and isfp relationship can only work there where there dominant Ti and a isfp inferior Te meets middle ground and the isfp dominant fi and a intp inferior fe can also meet middle ground. supporting each others weaknesses ... fi and ti is more about reflection (fi) being value based and finding a sense of right and wrong in the world seeing things of a persective of someone that wants to be good and optimistic about people seeing the good in others and (ti) being more subjective and self orientated seeing the detail of the situation looking at the why what where and how and looking for the best possible solution to issues that might be bothering them or others.
    the same principle can be applied to why a fi type could in theory support and help a inferior fe type in terms of reflection with there ti and understanding there own emotions and there emotional needs and learning how to actually deal with it

    the same for a ti to te

    but this will mean alot of internal work and overcoming of issue that is sitting internally for each type and actually going deep within to find the answers to questions that might not be so easy to deal with

    you could say that a relationship for a isfp and intp is not the easiest thing to do but if they talk openly and face each other honestly as two people it could lead to great development in both and growth that will help each out in there weaknesses

  6. #6

    Can I ask how old you guys are? You seem to really obsess over unimportant (irrational) things, imo. Also, you seem pretty impulsive (and this comes from an ISFP lol). I think maybe you should in the future, stop and think before you act. Think if that what you perceive as important is really important and how that would come across to the other person. You´re relationship has tendency to become unhealthy, as I can see, if you don´t control your impusiveness and irrationality. If you said something like that to me, I would probably think you´re crazy and give up on you.

  7. #7
    INFP - The Idealists

    Quote Originally Posted by ferroequinologist View Post

    Notice that my strongest is Fi, and your weakest is Fe. My weakest is Te, and your strongest is Ti. Opposite ends, opposite orientations. Socionics adds that my point of least resistance or my vulnerable function is Ne, and yours is Se. Whether we call it this or not, what happens is that the INTP hates the most to give up autonomy/self-determination. So, what you experienced, that feeling of loss of control is related to his Se, which is his visible strong point. His ability to manipulate the physical world around him, and navigate it, and seemingly make you do what he wants is like a punch in your gut (or a threat on your sovereignty), and it scares you, and you will tend to lash out irrationally--typically using your Ne. Now, my weak point of vulnerability is Ne. This means I'm afraid of not understanding or being able to foresee what is coming. Fear of the future, or fear of not understanding, knowing or coming to terms with (or appearing to not understand. So, when your extroverted strength--Ne kicks in, it sets me on edge, makes me nervous, and I tend to lash out. ..
    This is really good advice!
    I was recently pretty interested in a guy who I'm pretty sure is ISFP- I was particularly very emotionally attracted- because we have pretty similar values but the Ne/Se thing is something that I think would really become interesting over time- but also attractive!
    I mean I think particularly because extraverted sensing is really something I'm pretty unaware of and this guy was pretty tall- and he'd start to stretch his arms out and it was really pretty attractive!
    particularly because although I'm not particularly bad looking I'm not that aware of or particularly confident of myself physically so the Se thing is really pretty attractive.
    I have to say though that I am almost 100% Ne and I think that my rabbiting on about various connections and things that interest me and etc. etc. started to grate on him after a while- although I also found the fact that I annoyed him attractive too!
    also I think he may have a bit of a substance problem so it may not be a good long term idea but anyways...
    Anyway- I also agree with @LittleOrange and a bit young- that's OK! but my emotions used to go very up and down when I was younger- that's OK! but things do get a little easier later on I suppose and things are not so up and down-
    best of luck anyway! hope it goes ok! :-)

  8. #8

    I just wrote a long post which accidentally got deleted when I tried to edit it because I'm on my phone

  9. #9
    ISFP - The Artists

    Quote Originally Posted by pippylongstocking View Post
    I just wrote a long post which accidentally got deleted when I tried to edit it because I'm on my phone
    Here's your post:

    Mid twenties. He's a year older. Yes I know I have actually managed to calm a lot since then and force myself to not act out when I get in one of those weird moods (inferior Fe grip or whatever you call it as @ferroequinologist explained). I know I was the one who would lash out more and so the hardest and most upsetting thing for me was trying to forgive myself so I would shut down afterward and need time to fully forgive myself before I could go better to being myself back to normal. I know now the hard way that I need to just let these crazy feelings past and nog lash out and I do get over it after a little while as I have tried this a few times and it works although it can be painful it is worse than the regret of saying something stupid. I can imagine that I sound really immature. I am learning. After the 'fight' which I described in the original post, we both said that the way we acted wasn't us and that we didn't know where it came from and it was like we were possessed or something. Anyway I hope we have moved onfrom that now as it was really bad. But reading it back now and remembering it does make me worry that he hasn't completely got over it . And yes I'm sure he does think I'm crazy now (that's probably what I would think too) but oh well as long as he understands that's not really me. Like @Ricardo Migeal Malgas pointed out its because I didn't know what was going on. I just have to learn from my mistakes and reading about the functions ferroequinologist post has helped me a lot to understand most importantly about my inferior function and how to control it. Also of course I want us both to be ourselves but I'm trying to tone down my Ne sometimes so as not to make him uncomfortable. I wouldn't want him to tone down Se for me as it attractive anyway. But I think I was subconsciously holding back my Ne sometimes with him as I can tell sometimes he will appreciate and sometimes it could really annoy him. I am learning new things from being with him though and I don't have to express everything stupid thing that cones into my head just because I find it amusing so I don't mind filtering some of my Ne. I just have to be cautious to think before I speak but it's really just adapting to the person I'm with as I know more what they like and don't like which I try to do naturally anyway.
    Sorry for stream of consciousness I'm on my phone and can't be bothered to contruct a paragraph which isn't a syntactical mess. Sorry.

    Btw, if it's of any interest, I recently discovered that I'm probably an enneagram Type 9 which apparently could mean that as an INTP I could have higher Ne and lower Ti (I tested my function percentage before but can't remember) which might explain that maybe I am quite impulsive in general. Maybe an unhealthy Type 9 thing or maybe it's just when any INTP could suddenly become irrationally impulsive in same way if they were experiencing an inferior Fe frenzy I don't know


    Apparently, I loaded the page before you deleted the text. :-)


    sometimes thanked this post.

  10. #10
    ISFP - The Artists

    Quote Originally Posted by pippylongstocking View Post
    Also of course I want us both to be ourselves but I'm trying to tone down my Ne sometimes so as not to make him uncomfortable. I wouldn't want him to tone down Se for me as it attractive anyway. But I think I was subconsciously holding back my Ne sometimes with him as I can tell sometimes he will appreciate and sometimes it could really annoy him. I am learning new things from being with him though and I don't have to express everything stupid thing that cones into my head just because I find it amusing so I don't mind filtering some of my Ne. I just have to be cautious to think before I speak but it's really just adapting to the person I'm with as I know more what they like and don't like which I try to do naturally anyway.
    Sorry for stream of consciousness I'm on my phone and can't be bothered to contruct a paragraph which isn't a syntactical mess. Sorry.


    My opinion is that you don't want to make yourself too self conscious worrying all the time about your Ne. Just keep it in mind more for areas of conflict... but don't let your worrying become a hindrance.
    sometimes thanked this post.


     
Page 1 of 2 1 2 LastLast

Similar Threads

  1. Female ISFP - Male ESTJ Relationship
    By Annette03 in forum ISFP Forum - The Artists
    Replies: 8
    Last Post: 04-18-2016, 02:54 PM
  2. [ISFP] INFP male and ISFP female relationship
    By thor odinson in forum ISFP Forum - The Artists
    Replies: 11
    Last Post: 11-28-2013, 09:24 AM
  3. [ENTJ] Can a relationship between a ISFP Male and ENTJ Female
    By Tega1 in forum ENTJ Forum - The Executives
    Replies: 11
    Last Post: 07-26-2012, 08:46 PM
  4. [ENFP] ENFP female - ISFP male relationship - experiences?
    By Assassin in forum ENFP Forum - The Inspirers
    Replies: 4
    Last Post: 07-24-2012, 03:33 AM
  5. [ISFP] ISFP Male INFP Female Relationship.
    By Nightwind in forum ISFP Forum - The Artists
    Replies: 2
    Last Post: 08-03-2010, 10:09 PM

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
All times are GMT -7. The time now is 02:53 AM.
Information provided on the site is meant to complement and not replace any advice or information from a health professional.
© 2014 PersonalityCafe
 

SEO by vBSEO 3.6.0