Ok so I've been with this guy who I'm near certain is an ISFP. Everything I've read seems to fit him perfectly. I feel really strongly for him and the attraction was immediate and intense. I think this is the closest to love I've ever been.. I love how he's so in the moment, seems balanced, sensitive, empathetic but also casual, spontaneous and no pressure which is similar to me. It's like he is opposite to me in the in all the areas that I'm lacking. Cheesy as it sounds but the ying to my yang. But then similar to me on all the essential qualities that really matter to me. I guess it's the deepness and openness which I like and then as well as that he compliments my flaws, balances me out, shows me a whole new world, we make eachother laugh. He is a talented artist and I think he's basically a genius in ways which I don't think I could ever really be as they seem naturally to him it's just him and for him it's basically just a way to express himself. I actually wish I was ISFP! But that's another story. I think so far and on paper it is the type that I most admire for sure. Like a really great beautiful mystery. And I like mystery, puzzles, things which I don't fully understand...
So anyway a bit if background, we are both trying to find our feet in a new city. We both moved here two months ago and met as soon as we'd moved. We'd met up a few times in the first month. Slept together. Then I got freaked out for some reason. I think it was feeling a loss of power or control or something made me feel insecure. I felt like he didn't really know me and I started questioning if he really liked me even though he had sent me some sweet messages which I appreciated but didn't know how to reply to. So I ended up sending him a message saying that I think we should stop seeing eachother for a couple of weeks just to sort my head/life out first as I've only just moved here and there's too much going on and we don't really know eachother. He was upset but seemed to sort of understand in the end. I really just wanted it to be perfect and to be really good to him and for it to be as good in real life as it felt in my head. I wanted to make sure the circumstances were as good as they could be before proceeding as I really liked him a lot but noticed our differences and really wanted it to work I scared that it wouldn't I wanted things to be right.
So that worked out ok in the end he seemed to forget about it anyway and after a two week break we then spent the next month together seeing eachother a lot and it was great. A few minor hiccups earlier on but I was happy. Then he had to go away for two weeks over Christmas as he'd already booked it. So far he's been away a week. I'd quit my job so now he's away I have to find a new one and a new place to live as I had to move out of my old place actually just a couple days before he left so I'm actually sub letting his room at the moment as we thought it would be easier for both if us that way and didn't seem awkward to do. However, I've been feeling pretty down this last week. The weather is cold and I don't have many other friends here. But really I know it's silly but I sort of feel like I don't have my own life or space. His room is too small for all my stuff so there's no where to put it. Anyway I've been feeling a bit down understandably but fine. Hes been calling me everyday and everything was fine. Then one day I guess I felt a bit more down for various reason and I felt on the phone I had said little things which were too personal. Not about being depressed or anything too weird just things that I wouldn't usually share but was feeling lonely so said something just to make contact/conversation.
Then I started freaking out again thinking he wouldn't fancy me anymore and he would start taking me for granted or something. You see I like to maintain a level of mystery and space it's my character and I feel part of my attractiveness. I feel I'd said something which was over familiar and not part of my character. I felted insecure and not like myself which is a feeling which really scares me (probably something do to with because that's how my ex bf used to make me feel and he treated me badly and took me for granted). So I messed up. I sent him this horrible spiteful message saying how I don't why he was surprised when I said I sort if fancied a guy at one of my house viewings, did he expect me to be thinking about him all the time or something? that he's been away a week and I've forgot about him (ow!) and he'll have to start over with me when I get back. Reading it back now it's horrible. Again I felt a loss of control and wanted him to fancy me and not to think I was being over familiar. I think that what I thought was my worst fear, falling out of the fun phase if the relationship by over familiarity and him not fancying me and thinking I'm stupid. Now I realise I am stupid and that is far worse and I dealt with things in the worst way. I just went mad.
Now I feel awful like a really bad person and terrified I've ruined everything. He half acted ok about it but then it must have really pissed him off inside because he sent me these weird messages and some sick joke to get back at me where he pretended he had an STI and said he doesn't know how many house viewings I've been on implying I've been sleeping with other guys as done sort of joke. I'm sure exactly what to make of it. He jokes a lot about his little insecurities sometimes but nothing like this in this spiteful way to get me back. It has really upset and affected me even though I know it was a weird joke. I feel he did it to ruin things on purpose so he wouldn't have to break up with me and have responsibility as he probably doesn't know what to make of my horrible text but hates me now. We've since talked on the phone like its ok, he suggested I stay at his place with him for extra week and we halve the rent and he said he doesn't mind but he clearly does he must do it was really awful what I said. I've tried to apologise as best I can... Now I'm crying, drinking vodka by myself and I have this empty numb pain in my chest. What can I do? Have I ruined it? Is it too late? I love him I just want things to be perfect I just have a really stupid, bitchy way of trying to solve or not solve things sometimes. I feel this time I've gone too far and it's over but he won't say it or admit it. I just want things back how did I even manage to do this.
Sorry for the long rambling essay. It's hard for me to write down my thoughts concisely at the best if times. And thank you very much in advance to anyone who reads it and replies with any insights or feedback.