[ISFP] Help needed: Long-lost friend??

Help needed: Long-lost friend??

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  • 2 Post By PerSempreJohan
  • 1 Post By ferroequinologist

This is a discussion on Help needed: Long-lost friend?? within the ISFP Forum - The Artists forums, part of the SP's Temperament Forum- The Creators category; I know that everyone thinks differently, but perhaps some of you can relate to the experiences and thought processes of ...

  1. #1

    Help needed: Long-lost friend??

    I know that everyone thinks differently, but perhaps some of you can relate to the experiences and thought processes of this mysterious friend, as you're the same type?

    It was when we graduated in 8th grade. I wasn't one of her closest friends, and I didn't know who was. (Thinking about it now, I couldn't have possibly even typed her as Introverted, had she not told me she'd self-typed as ISFP. I had thought that she was ESTP.) Before we graduated, she told everyone she was going to the same high school as most of us. And when the 9th grade started, I myself was so busy with learning to organize and time-manage with pointless, repetitive and boring studies (difficult for an INTP), that I didn't hear about her until halfway through the year.

    Some of our old friends (people closer to her) were asking if we had heard from her, confessing that they hadn't either. It was already the "tech age" we discuss today, and if one friend didn't respond to anyone's messages for two weeks, you could start to worry they're dead. I told them that, rationally speaking, it was more likely that she had just gone to a different school, but they had trouble believing their friend would leave without telling them or contacting them later.

    We soon forgot, because life was life. But recently, one of my friends brought her up in a conversation: According to one of our old teachers, she had moved away and gone to a different high school. Some of her friends were very shocked at the confirmation of this.

    It didn't matter to me then, but now I'm pondering the morality of this: She was absolutely fine at our school, there was no reason to cut contact. Those friends of hers were very worried, albeit irrationally so, and after this pondering, I've come to the conclusion that it had been neither a considerate nor characteristic decision on her part.

    For the most part, I am just curious to know what may have caused her to make that uncharacteristic decision. I don't have much experience with ISFPs (or social interactions as a whole), so I am hoping that you ISFPs out there can offer some insight.

    Here are some facts from my memory:

    1. The reason she didn't seem introverted at all was because she talked to everybody. She didn't have a fixed group of friends, just wandered around and talked with whomever.
    2. The only thing we could agree on about her was that she was extremely obsessed with football (soccer in Canada).
    3. There were at times random excited outbursts when she saw her favourite teams and players. (We used to call her Messi Jessie, haha.)
    4. Sometimes she was openly stressed/annoyed for reasons she didn't explain.
    5. She was skilled with small talk, and not bad with introspective philosophy, either.
    6. For a few weeks or so, she was suddenly very uncharacteristically discouraged and snappy. After that, she was fine.
    7. She remembered everybody's birthday. Football shirt numbers, too.
    8. Sometimes she was really "intense" or "into" obsessions of hers, such as football.
    9. She always presented a "different" perspective in discussions. May have just wanted for us to gain insight.
    10. During graduation, she was one of the only people who didn't cry.
    11. Honestly, she was better at academics than probably any of us. I recall the girls being extremely jealous of her grades.
    12. She was a good singer, they also talked enviously about her talent.
    13. The last time I spoke with her, she said she wasn't nervous for high school, and when I said that I hoped we had the same classes (so she could help me with my French), she said she hoped so too.
    14. Until this day, she hasn't contacted any one of us.

    Now, I believe she is actually ISFP, because I think her talk-to-everybody philosophy was just an attempt to be nonconforming; we always moved in groups. She may have been a more interpersonally confident ISFP (as in introverted, but not shy), choosing to use small talk instead of sharing deep and personal thoughts with others.

    Can you please think of some of your experiences and feelings, and perhaps relate that to what I've described here?

    Thank you for reading or even just skimming that, I know that was a long piece. But I would rather the door be opened to some possibilities than the possibilities remaining absolutely unknown to my friends and I.

    Again, thank you for any help at all you can offer, and have a great day

    P.S. Have any of you also had a friend cut contact with everyone and disappear, or have any of you ever done something similar? Any of that would be very helpful, thanks.
    a peach and Dagmar thanked this post.

  2. #2

    Maybe she just wanted to experience other school. You know sometimes it's just curiosity for new experiences in life. There's also possibility, that you don't know something about and you only saw an outside part of her, but missed something from her inside.

  3. #3

    Aww it's really cute of you, I think, to want more insight of your friend like this. (Putting myself in her shoes, I'd be rather flattered~) Though I feel you're putting a bit more thought into this than you need to. We really aren't all that complicated or a puzzle piece that is difficult to put together, or at least, I don't see myself that way and I'm sure she doesn't either.

    I relate to almost everything you have listed—from the random moods + outbursts, having really intense obsessions, floating from one person to the next and especially not staying in close contact with others LOL;;; She may very easily be an ISFP, though I'm not very sure what the question is here??

    When it come to cutting off contact and disappearing, I've been like this for as long as I could remember, and just haven't really ever went out of my way to fix it. Sometimes I'm too tired to talk and keep up a conversation, other times I forget and am really busy. I will think about everyone I've ever come to talk to and like over my life again and again throughout the years, and reminisce on friends very fondly, but am simply lazy in taking initiative to talk again. Whenever the rare moment pops up that I decide to do so, it's probably because I'm very curious to see how things are going for them, as I still do care a lot about everyone I've ever loved. Know that she does too, we aren't very open to everyone about how we feel but we do feel very immensely and have hearts full of love to give. Even when we get caught up in all that life has to offer, we'll never stop loving those once precious to us.

  4. #4
    ISFP - The Artists

    When I was in the 11th grade, I changed schools (to a private school) because I hated my school (public). I have no idea what others thought about me—never really gave it a thought, but I was lonely, empty, and felt very outside of everything—and that was despite being busy every day with people. I never really considered anybody I knew or hung out with friends. Like your friend, I would talk with anybody and everybody. I never felt like I was good at what you called "small talk", but I could fake it well. One thing i hated was cliques, and groups, and all those things that people do to box others in. It was all rather disgusting.

    But here's the thing. When I left that school--I didn't tell a single soul. I just didn't show up one day—yes, the school authorities knew. My parents took care of that. But I never said anything. I just disappeared. To this day, I see no reason why I should have said anything to anybody about it. It honestly was none of their business. They didn't care about me, nor for me. I'm sure they would like to think they did, but think about this. In your "connected" world, how long did it take for people to start realizing she wasn't there? Weeks? Seriously? And you think what she did was wrong? I think you merely proved the point—you all didn't really care. You want to think you care. You certainly want to come across as that you care, but nobody really does care. She was just an acquaintance—somebody you knew, and maybe hung out with, but she didn't have any friends in your school, and she had no obligations to you, just as you seemingly had no obligations to her. She's gone. Learn a lesson from this. If you truly care, then truly show it to the one you think you care about and for. You could have visited her, called her, or anything. Anybody could have, but nobody did. You all are expecting her to make the first move, but by doing so, you have shown yourselves to be just who she thought you to be... not really her friends.

    Sorry, but having gone through the exact same circumstances, my feelings are on her side. Here's what I would say to maybe help you understand a bit better. If she had felt that anybody she was leaving behind was anything more than an acquaintance from school--if she was leaving behind a true friend, she would have told that true friend. She told nobody. Let that sink in...
    Jagbas thanked this post.

  5. #5

    It might depend on the ISFP, but I sure think about up and leaving all the time. Partly because of where I am in life right now, but also because if i make up my mind to do something, and it's something I feel *needs* to be done, I don't let people stand in the way. In that sense, I've never really felt like there was something to tie me down in any one place, and I fantasize about traveling to obscure places by myself, or even moving somewhere seemingly random, all the time. I figure, the people that truly care about me and are a real part of my life will always be in my heart and I'll see them again. And the people that were just kind of there but not involved don't really need to know what I do with my life.

    It sounds harsh even to me, and yet it feels so normal. I haven't talked to most of my friends (I'd consider more as acquaintances) from middle school or high school since I've left, and I don't feel bad about it. One person always has to be the one to reach out, and if I'm not specifically reaching out, its probably because I don't consider those people to be of real influence or importance to my life. I still care about them as people, but I have a very small inner circle, and it takes a special person to stick in that circle like glue no matter where I go or what I end up doing.

    By the sound of it, this is not typical behavior of your friend, and I too, would think she'd tell at least one person about switching schools. ISFP's can be very unpredictable though, on any scale. I personally will consider something for weeks or months and not let on until I've already made a decision. Then I'll just do it, and everybody's like, where the heck did that come from? I tend to keep these thoughts to myself because a lot of times, I don't even know how I feel about it, so if i tell people before I know myself, it can be very frustrating and confusing. Fi is driven to make decisions by what feels right internally. What brings balance and peace.

    Anyways, hope that helps somewhat. Do you think you'll try and reach out to her again?


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