[ISTJ] I am worried that my ISTJ is not loyal anymore. - Page 2

I am worried that my ISTJ is not loyal anymore.

Hello Guest! Sign up to join the discussion below...
Page 2 of 8 FirstFirst 1 2 3 4 ... LastLast
Results 11 to 20 of 79
Thank Tree137Thanks

This is a discussion on I am worried that my ISTJ is not loyal anymore. within the ISTJ Forum - The Duty Fulfillers forums, part of the SJ's Temperament Forum- The Overseers category; Originally Posted by Miss INFJnity THIS !!! After a spilt with the mother of his kids, he was single and ...

  1. #11

    Quote Originally Posted by Miss INFJnity View Post
    THIS !!! After a spilt with the mother of his kids, he was single and depressed for 5 years or more... . And after I taught him about the personality types, he almost immediately found a gf. And now he is going to -as he wrote to me some time ago- study MBTI more to figure out how to make this relationship work.

    (I wonder if you're INFJ or ENFJ? :) )
    Gee, I wonder why she wanted to split with him... Imagine waking up every day to somebody who tells you "you should work in a hospital with old people because they can't stop talking, just like you" when you try to communicate with him about your feelings. You're BOTH way better off without him. Let's hope that his new girlfriend is the stereotypical ESTP who never wants to talk about feelings and only wants to have sex and play video games.

    If I were you, I'd invite the ex-wife for a glass of wine. She needs it.

    In the future, DON'T make the mistake of staying in a relationship that doesn't make you happy. We've both had to learn this lesson the hard way, so let's not repeat it! Deal?

    (After talking to TricoFeathers, I think I might be an ENFP :P)
    Miss INFJnity thanked this post.

  2. #12

    Quote Originally Posted by Tyche View Post
    As far as not reading about your type, he's known you for a long time and likely doesn't need a type description to tell him about you. You can know a person's flaws without mbti.
    I agree that he is busy with her and that's fine.

    Back to the quote ^ ... : He told me this: "I still can't make the whole picture of you but those texts you wrote, gave me a bit more information how you feel and see things. " and then he changed the topic. So... after 10 years he still can't makle the whole picture of me. Ummmmm... WHAT?.... BUT OK, since ISTJs work on data and facts, I I didn't only provided the "dry facts" about me, but also gave him examples if how those theories work in my life. (I was raised by ISTP / ESTJ duo... I know -ST- need facts and precision in desrcibing the problems to solve it ;) ) . Basically I revealed EVERYTHING about myself, values, way of thinking... .

    So ,yeah, what you said is aboslutely true. It doesn't take knowing MBTI to know your friend. In this case I have no clue to his behaviour. From my INFJ point of view he plays stupid.

    And now check this out (this is how he described his new gf; and that's something HE wanted to share, not something I asked for) :

    "She's fast in her decisions, doesn't have things in good order at home, makes things happen after a short thinking, isn't not at all so pedantic as I am, what's common, the same silly level of humor and we both have 2 kids, so there's things to talk and share. Now I'd need to arrange time to read about the different people types.I have my imagination she may be a bit like you have your personality I still remember the sentence you wrote to me.
    Message was like this " if we lived together it would be doomed already " .So I wonder what will happen now in here
    but.... you never get to know if you don't even try. I've not had interest to try for a long time and now, back to business" .

    So he has no clue about me after 10 years, but after 1 month he got to those conclusions about her. WHOA. What I read from those messages is:

    "the same silly level of humor and we both have 2 kids, so there's things to talk and share" - I don't have kids and we were talking about his serious problems so ...yeah... no chance for "things to talk and share".

    "Now I'd need to arrange time to read about the different people types" - he does this, because he cares; he didn't do it for me, because he didn't care about me;

    "I have my imagination she may be a bit like you [...]" - wait, he said he doesn't have a clear picture of me, so ... ;) ;

    "I've not had interest to try for a long time and now, back to business." - his own words; as you know I was there for a long time, so for a long time I wasn't an object of his romantic interests (which is great);

    This is just a part of his last message to me. It was all about him and the lady. He didn't even ask me: "How are you?".

    I didn't know how to react, so I congratulated him and said I am happy for him and that I hope she's a great girl and that I hope their relationship will be really great. He read that message, but didn't respond.
    Last edited by Miss INFJnity; 02-01-2019 at 09:26 AM.

  3. #13

    @Emancipation - DEAL :D ! LOL

    "Let's hope that his new girlfriend is the stereotypical ESTP who never wants to talk about feelings and only wants to have sex and play video games." LOL !!! Once he asked me why do I think that two people like us living under the same roof would kill each other and the relation would be basically doomed from the beginning. Well... I told him that the only suitable match for him would be [ put a definition of hardcore, extreme ESTP here LOL] . Yeah, talking about feelings seems to be a deal breaker here! .

    (You sound exactly as my beloved ENFJ friend ,that's why I asked about your type. . I'm not very good in analysing my own feelings / emotions /actions, and ENFJs have this amazing, spectacular ,unique talent to explain why do INFJs feel what they feel in a particular situation)

    P.S. I deeply empathize with his ex, seriously... . If he had her on his FB, I would befriend her !
    Emancipation thanked this post.

  4. Remove Advertisements
    PersonalityCafe.com
    Advertisements
     

  5. #14

    “Let's hope that his new girlfriend is the stereotypical ESTP who never wants to talk about feelings and only wants to have sex and play video games”.

    Sounds like you’re jealous to me. Why do you keep putting down S types? I know plenty of ESTPs who talk about their feelings..
    Sela, 007phantom and Selinda thanked this post.

  6. #15

    Quote Originally Posted by Surreal Snake View Post
    “Let's hope that his new girlfriend is the stereotypical ESTP who never wants to talk about feelings and only wants to have sex and play video games”.

    Sounds like you’re jealous to me. Why do you keep putting down S types? I know plenty of ESTPs who talk about their feelings..
    I said stereotypical, and I don't know many ESTPs but the one I notice a lot on the forums (Sensational) is very likeable. It was just a joke that Miss INFJ got and laughed at. And I "keep putting them down" apparently? Where?

    Damn, that came out of nowhere. I'm just helping someone out.
    Miss INFJnity thanked this post.

  7. #16
    ESTP


    ESTP female here.
    Sela and Miss INFJnity thanked this post.

  8. #17
    ESTP


    Quote Originally Posted by Miss INFJnity View Post
    Thanks Selinda :) . Yes, exactly as you said. He used to repeat that he is very grateful that I'm always there for him and that I put enormous effort into his problems and that I never ask for anything in return. (Well, I don't like to be a burden and I ask for advice only if I really need help. I'm not clingy / needy type.)

    I wonder if I should tell me how I feel, or maybe it's better to leave it as it is. I bet he will contact me once something goes wrong in his new relationship or once he is bored ... . Then he'll need me to "save him". The thing is, I don't want my relationships with people to look like that. In such situations I don't know how to react (it's as if I lose the connection between feelings and actions.... I can feel, but don't know how to act. And that sucks.) I'd say I'm one the verge of Door Slamming him. INFJ hate one-sided relationships with people.

    Thank you so, so much for offering some adivce to me if I need it. And vice versa - if you need some INFJ insight, PM me :) .
    My advice is to leave it as it is, and if he does contact you for help then in the interest of healthy self-care only give what you feel comfortable giving, even if that's nothing. I don't like the comments he has made to you, implying that you're too talkative. They're disrespectful. I wouldn't want to engage with someone who spoke to me that way.

    I think you're better off looking for sources of support elsewhere, rather than from this guy.
    Miss INFJnity thanked this post.

  9. #18

    "Let's hope that his new girlfriend is the stereotypical ESTP who never wants to talk about feelings and only wants to have sex and play video games”. -Emancipation explained it's about the stereotype, it has nothing to do with putting ST types down. Different people need different things. It's fact. It would be good for him, if he found someone who doesn't expect from him things he cannot provide. Logical thing. :) Only in such case his relation will be long-lasting.

    My closest relatives, my parents are ISTP (father) and ESTJ (mother). I love those -ST-s but their ability to understand my feelings is : non-existent (ISTP) and very very limited (ESTJ). It's quite rare to meet -ST- person, who is able to understand -NF- on emotional level. Yes, there are exceptions, but still - exceptions. For example @Selinda is someone who is "speaking my language" so I see noooo problem with the fact she's ESTP! AT ALL. I love her advice and insight.

    It doesn't make -ST- people worse, stupid, unloving, not trustworty... not at all. But since -ST- and -NF- people speak "different languages", it may impact our relationships in a negative way.
    As a matter of fact, my ISTJ friend should be with a person with similar emotional / logical/ rational (you name it) needs, in others case the relationship will be doomed. Maybe he should be with ESTP, maybe with ESTJ.

    I guess this comment about being jealous was to me - nope, I am not. :)
    Last edited by Miss INFJnity; 02-01-2019 at 11:43 AM.

  10. #19

    Thanks @Selinda for this advice. It's very reasonable!

    I think if he tries to contact me for help, I will tell him politely, that actually I already told him everything I had to say and now it's up to him to use the info. I'm not going to be his "coach" or therapist.
    If he won't express any interest in my life, I will just leave it like that and stop contacting him. For the sake of healthy self -care, indeed.
    Selinda thanked this post.

  11. #20

    ISTJ's will ghost people that they care about, even those most close to them when they have focus elsewhere and have no reason to suspect any harm comes from it. It's a pretty common theme if you read other "help me with my ISTJ relationship" threads here. To them it's not the kind of "ghosting" that others think it is. They don't do so intentionally, or with malice or to manipulate, or any motive really. It's just a reality of their type. They do this because they trust that they can, because they value and believe in the strength of the relationship.

    If you and he are close and on good terms and something comes up like a new relationship, job, responsibility, major distraction,,, you can expect he will just "disappear" at times. He will pick up like nothing ever happened some time later if you do nothing.

    If you project your feelings onto them, they will be overwhelmed, and may even get angry/defensive because they never, never intended any harm. They find "feelers" overwhelming already, this just makes them shut down/out/away,etc. It can even justify their belief that "feelers are irrational" and use that for cause to distance further.

    If you have put him in "permanent friend zone" and some new woman comes along, you should expect he'll put his energy into that relationship. He's loyal to you because he's ISTJ. He expects you to be the same. This means he expects you to be OK with this distance, that's what friend zone is... You want what's best for him, this relationship is what he wants to pursue, so you should want this too. If you were loyal to him, you'd make the efforts to maintain the friendship as needed, including not imposing on his new relationship. You getting confused or upset is probably confusing and upsetting to him. This is kind of an obvious logical outcome.

    Yes, tell him how you feel. Be prepared for him to not relate. It won't be refusal, it will be he literally does not relate. I predict his perspective wont' match yours, which will make problem solving difficult.

    ISTJ's don't see the need to nurture a good relationship the way feelers do, it's just a fact of life. If you need nurturing, he won't do it on his own. If you still want or need it, you need to rethink your approach or the friendship itself. He's not going to automatically give you want you need. It's basic incompatibility. He's no less loyal now than when you tow were more emotionally intimate.

    Keep in mine too, "friend zone" status is very different from "viable relationship candidate" to a man. I don't think this is a type thing, I think it's a universal for men. Emotional Intimacy isn't the same between the sex's, and this is one area where I think it's more apparent.

    You are in a difficult situation, but I don't see this is him being callous, or indifferent, or lacking loyalty.
    007phantom, Selinda, L P and 3 others thanked this post.


     
Page 2 of 8 FirstFirst 1 2 3 4 ... LastLast

Similar Threads

  1. [INFJ] Is it a myth that INFJ is quite Passive-agressive?
    By PlasticRenaissance in forum INFJ Forum - The Protectors
    Replies: 46
    Last Post: 06-27-2019, 04:39 AM
  2. Replies: 9
    Last Post: 10-23-2018, 06:02 AM
  3. Replies: 4
    Last Post: 10-13-2018, 02:46 PM

Tags for this Thread

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
All times are GMT -7. The time now is 12:11 PM.
Information provided on the site is meant to complement and not replace any advice or information from a health professional.
© 2014 PersonalityCafe
 

SEO by vBSEO 3.6.0