[ISTJ] ISTJ dating INFP: dating and courting: He's ignoring me? Sexual-ness ruined it?

ISTJ dating INFP: dating and courting: He's ignoring me? Sexual-ness ruined it?

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This is a discussion on ISTJ dating INFP: dating and courting: He's ignoring me? Sexual-ness ruined it? within the ISTJ Forum - The Duty Fulfillers forums, part of the SJ's Temperament Forum- The Overseers category; Hi I had a question for the male ISTJs to answer. I'm a super sensitive INFP and I'm dating an ...

  1. #1
    INFP - The Idealists

    ISTJ dating INFP: dating and courting: He's ignoring me? Sexual-ness ruined it?

    Hi I had a question for the male ISTJs to answer. I'm a super sensitive INFP and I'm dating an ISTJ.

    (to sum up the essay I wrote below... I've been seeing this guy for a month (my ex.. we decided to start over and take things slow this time.....) and it has been amazing, him courting me and taking me on dates, skyping, calling almost nightly, texting, opening up to me emotionally (as best as he could do).. things he never used to do. He was really showing me a different side to him that I knew was hard for him to do. this last weekend though we got carried away... it was so amazing on saturday.. so romantic.. I should've left sunday morning while things were cutely romantic .. and for some reason I did because I was so in love with him and wanted to show him I cared about him (he told me that morning he didn't want to put a time limit for sexual stuff though when we first got in contact he said he'd wait months..)... He made it seem like we were in a relationship from the day before how all the sweet words how he said we're meant to be together and stuff...I wanted to wait at least 3 months before sexual stuff cuz my soul really gets involved and sex is just scary for me... and i wanted to make sure he was emotionally attached first.. We didn't have sex but I feel like it was just as bad how he's been ignoring me.. :/
    So he left on monday to his 2 week post deployment leave to visit his family and he's been ignoring me since TUESDAY night. it's now FRIDAY... no pain quite as bad as this pain. the false promises... so cold to just ignore me for 5 days ...

    MY QUESTION FOR ISTJ MALES: does he just need space? did the sexual thing we did ruin everything since it had only been a month? is he unable to double task his family time and texting me? Is being out of state make it impossible for him to communicate? is he completely tired out from the affection that he needs a break? are his words truth or just lies ? can I reverse when he comes back by starting over, getting to know each other- with no sexual stuff for 3 months like I intended?
    Last edited by Siggy; 04-07-2014 at 05:51 AM.
    niss thanked this post.

  2. #2

    There is so much pain in your post ... I'm so sorry for what you are going through.

    I'm not good at being PC or letting people down easy, so I'm asking in advance that you forgive me if I am too harsh.

    He's not a good catch and is not worth waiting for. Real men don't use such manipulative tactics to get sex. He's only into you for himself - for what you do for him.

    Cry your little heart out - I know you are going to, and it is completely understandable. But never, ever get back into any type of communication with him ever again. Don't answer a text, a phone call, a facebook message, nothing, nada, ever. You must do this because of the value you have for yourself.

    And never engage in sexual contact with another person until you are confident that they have your best interest at heart.

    Last edited by niss; 04-05-2014 at 02:26 AM. Reason: typo

  3. #3

    @niss, that was really sweet and well written.

    I feel, (I'm almost a split E/INFP) that you're like me. You fall in love, you cannot handle it -- it's so much and you just want to give affection to that other person because you cannot help yourself. The sad part is that often when we give we don't see something back (oh, unrequited love!) or they give back with conditions is manipulation (like @niss pointed out). I've felt taken advantage of on affections (not even sexual ones) and it hurt quite a bit. For me, I learned to not trust so easily through mistakes of this nature, but it's so tough to not love someone.

    I had a really bad breakup once with someone whom was manipulative... and I was still in love with him. It was the hardest thing to do and to stay away and not contact. I decided I didn't want to play anymore because I was getting too hurt and it just wasn't worth it anymore.

    I will suggest something though, time does actually work. I ended up doing new things and meeting new people and throwing myself into work. It distracted the mind that all it wanted to do was fixate. I still have the issues in terms of other things that I worry about that I fixate, I plan more, I look over strategy when it's not doing any good anymore and I'm just doing it because it's there.

    To be honest, and based on my hindsight, I won't trust this guy. I don't think you should either. I feel that you have so much to give and your post sounded really hurt... he doesn't deserve to make you feel this way. No one does, but especially not him. I now give time and effort to those that show they care for me, through actions moreso than words -- my boyfriend (INTP) helps me out around the house, holds me, treats me really well... feelings don't come natural to the surface in words, but is expressed in actions he takes. Sometimes the words do show up, but it's not 100% required all the time. Sometimes I can just sense or look at someone and I can see it in their eyes.... it's hard for me to explain, but its there.
    Last edited by PeachyKeener; 04-05-2014 at 12:38 PM. Reason: spelling mistakes... always
    Juniah, niss, mushr00m and 4 others thanked this post.

  4. #4

    I agree with above. My bf is also in the military and he always makes time for me. This is the first relationship I've had where I feel like I don't have to ration myself or my feelings, and it's amazing! So believe me when I say that there is someone out there who will give you back all of the love you give them and MORE. Someone who you never have to question, "Why aren't they texting me back?" and someone you can trust to take care of your heart. I've been in manipulative situations before, and it's really sad. Feeling like you are giving more than you are getting is the first red flag. Learn from this situation, and eventually you'll find the right guy for you. :)
    Juniah, bluefizzure, PeachyKeener and 5 others thanked this post.

  5. #5

    @Juniah , I'm sorry that this guy did that to you. I'm @MBTI Enthusiast 's boyfriend, and even when I was deployed to a bare base in Africa with no internet, and only 2 Sat-phones for 100-ish people, I still found time/means to talk to her almost every day. If someone cares about you enough, they will find a way to communicate that love to you. Based on his reactions and what you've told us, it honestly sounds like he was using you for sex/female companionship. I couldn't imagine being on vacation and not seeing my girlfriend as often as possible. We cherish our time together and go to great lengths and expense to ensure it happens.

    ISTJ or not, if someone truly cares about you, they will do everything they can to overcome difficulties and be with you. Like @niss said, this guy is not worth it. Don't think less of yourself for "falling for it", just be a little more cautious in the future. Hold the men around you to high standards, and don't lower your own for them. Our generation is having a "maturity crisis", where a combination of lack of proper father figures, degradation of morals, porn, and other factors have contributed to many men our age acting like boys. There are still plenty of good men out there; don't give up
    Seamaid, FreeBeer, PeachyKeener and 5 others thanked this post.

  6. #6

    o.o...wow, some ISTJs are just awesome. (felt like sharing that)
    Last edited by LibertyPrime; 04-08-2014 at 11:50 PM. Reason: typos
    niss, MBTI Enthusiast and PeachyKeener thanked this post.


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