[ISTP] I Can't Get Along with my ISTP BF's Female Friend, What Should I Do?

I Can't Get Along with my ISTP BF's Female Friend, What Should I Do?

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This is a discussion on I Can't Get Along with my ISTP BF's Female Friend, What Should I Do? within the ISTP Forum - The Mechanics forums, part of the SP's Temperament Forum- The Creators category; So I'd like to start off by saying that this is an issue that I have had with this girl ...

  1. #1

    I Can't Get Along with my ISTP BF's Female Friend, What Should I Do?

    So I'd like to start off by saying that this is an issue that I have had with this girl before I started dating my boyfriend. To keep a long story short, she rushed my sorority twice and did not receive an invitation to join, and because I was an officer in the organization at the time, she blames me for not getting in. Her and her mom like to call me a "swamp monster" behind my back because she like to gossip to her (apparently about my appearance), and she is overall the spoiled, beauty pageant cheerleader type who throws a fit when she doesn't get what she wants. So right off the bat we obviously don't have a great relationship.

    I have been dating my boyfriend for 2 months now, and things are very good between us. Sometimes we struggle a bit with his communication (sometimes he says stuff we good intentions that come off as hurtful, but I always make sure to tell him when he does this so he understands and so we can work on it as a couple.) I feel like he is my person, we complement each other very well and have very similar personalities and views on life (I'm an INFJ if anyone wants to know haha.) Overall, the relationship is great and I am very happy with how things are.

    This is the only major issue I have had since we started dating. From the get-go, she made it well known to people within our mutual friend group that she didn't like the fact that we were dating. She has told people that he could do better, and I found out at one point that she was spreading rumors about me that I was telling my boyfriend he couldn't hangout with her or any other girls, along with other things. It was all false, so I talked to my boyfriend about it and explained how much it hurt my feelings that she was actively trying to spread rumors about me. He responded kindly that it was mean, but a little dismissive as well. When I told him she got in my face at a party, and I was going to hit her before someone stepped in between us, his comment was "please don't get into a fight with her, because it will make my life really awkward." I felt like he was just saying that because he didn't want to get caught in the middle of it, and wasn't thinking about my feelings very much. They are decently good friends. They had classes together, do projects together, and hangout in group settings a lot. She has known him longer than I have for reference. I feel like her presence creates tension in our relationship, and it just makes me feel really uncomfortable.

    Since that happens, he often avoids telling me that he's hanging out with her, usually mentioning other people in the group but not her. The other day he went someone with her to look at a dog she wanted to adopt, and sent me pictures of the dog, and when I asked him in person why he went there, he struggled to get out that he had gone with her. I trust my boyfriend, he has never given me a reason not to trust him. I think what makes me so uncomfortable is that he spends a lot of time with someone who is very verbal about the fact that she doesn't like and has told people that she thinks we shouldn't be dating. She is just such a mean-spirited person, I really don't understand how he can't see that. She must be a very good actress.

    Overall, I'm not sure how to handle the situation. Im very verbal about the fact that she isnt welcome at any of my sorority's functions or at my house in general because she has been so rude to me in the past, but at the same time I don't want to be the girlfriend who blocks her boyfriend from seeing people (I don't want to be the girl she claims I am.) I just don't know how to tell him that him spending so much time with her really bothers me. What should I do?



  2. #2

    Hi Elizabeth,

    I'm an ISFJ with an INTP boyfriend and similar sort of problems.

    We had a girl that admitted to me that my boyfriend is her ideal type but that she was happy for us though her actions/manipulation seemed otherwise. She pushed the boundaries a lot by asking me personal questions about my boyfriend (like what he was like in bed!) but we both put it off as her being overly friendly and I didn't want to look like the possessive/jealous girlfriend so we put up with it. After a particularly calculated move by her (and this went on for over a year) I basically started being cold with her (again not wanting to confront her because she always had an excuse and was quick to turn it back onto me) to which she went to my boyfriend and called me aggressive and asked him to talk behind my back. I'm happy to say, only after many arguments, that he told her that he felt uncomfortable being asked to talk about me and that he wouldn't get involved with our issues. She has left us both alone since. So I totally understand your frustrations.

    I would be able to see the small manipulation and shadiness in her actions and I told my boyfriend plain and simple that whilst I trusted him I didn't trust her. He said he understood my feelings, though at times felt I was paranoid, but like you I felt dismissed when something happened and he didn't set boundaries with her. He is really not great at setting them when it comes to people who aren't obvious with their manipulation (I think he's also an enneagram 9) so he'd keep the peace with them even though it was clearly bothering me incredibly, and they weren't even friends! This impacted our relationship quite a bit and he wanted it all to just go away on its own. Unfortunately it doesn't happen that way. I had to sort of reverse the roles when anything happened; I would ask him to think about the situation happening with a male to myself. To him, he thought because he didn't like her in that way and nothing would happen, that should be enough for me, so I had to try get him to get into my shoes to understand that even if that's the case, it doesn't stop me feeling hurt.

    My boyfriend was mostly upfront about things she was saying to him however when it was escalating I asked him several questions I wanted to know for my peace of mind. He thought back and realized in hindsight that things that happened or were said were actually very calculative and manipulative he just didn't realise it at the time (whereas I always had a really bad gut feeling about her). I told him he didn't need to confront her or ignore her completely but that if she came to him about anything about me, our relationship or anything that felt inappropriate, he was to tell me. Of course, several days later she did do something inappropriate and we decided we would both ignore her from that point forward. She got the picture when my boyfriend said he wouldn't talk behind my back and I guess she realised she couldn't manipulate him anymore (though part of me thinks she just tells everyone he doesn't talk to her anymore because of his crazy, jealous girlfriend lol). I think at least with my INTP, not sure if you feel this is the case with your ISTP, because things aren't bothering him he doesn't feel the need to defend himself, me or our relationship, while it's something I felt was really important. Once I explained that to him he was better able to set boundaries and make it clear he was in a relationship and that came before his hope of things disappearing or being harmonious for himself.

    I think with him already telling you white lies or avoiding telling you the truth it's a bit of a more delicate situation because you don't want him to feel the need to lie even more. That's what she wants. I think, and I'm sure you've done this a lot already, he needs to be reminded that it's not that you don't trust him, it's just that you'd like for him to defend your relationship more and make it clear that he is with you for a reason and if she doesn't like it it's none of her business.

    I'm not sure what really to do, as mine was only solved through some arguing and tears and sometimes that's the only time my boyfriend is able to understand how bad it really is hurting me (when he physically sees it) and realises that what's most important to him is that I feel comfortable and secure in our relationship and that little things like setting boundaries and defending our relationship can help that.

    I'd be interested to know ISTPs take and also if anyone could give insight into mine, though I think we're good with this specific situation, if anyone had advice on how to handle it better when a woman is pushing boundaries into our relationship and how I can deal with it without seeming like a crazy, jealous girlfriend. I wish I was better at confronting and setting a boundary from the beginning (aka when my gut tells me I need to) rather than letting things build up and up until I explode.

  3. #3

    So there's several issues. For instance, friends are relative. Different people fit different needs, and as long as someone interacts with me in way I deem enjoyable, what they do in the rest of their time with other people doesn't interest me. This is relevant here, because implicit in this is a perspective on people that holds there is no "true nature", and hence I'm never going to determine that someone is "actually unpleasant" and consider this a reason to stay away, as long as they aren't unpleasant towards me.

    This obviously creates tensions in a situation like the OP's, where there are different impressions of the same person, and, even worse, ideas about personalities clash ("true nature" vs. no such thing).

    I take from the OP that he spends time with her. The very short bottomline is that he sees no reason not to (in particular, the fact that she doesn't like you and vice versa is not a reason not to -- at most, it's a reason not to spend time with both of you at the same time), and therefore will continue to do so. What you do with that is up to you.


    Also, a few words on trying to "manipulate" us. This is ... hard. (I was going to say impossible.) At least with what I consider "manipulation", we might have to discuss definitions. Because we do what we want -- literally -- and on top of it, miss anything subtle. So hints and clever machinations are plain useless, because we just bulldoze on, completing missing that there was a way we were supposed to react or something we were supposed to do, and if you bludger us over the head with it, we either like it, in which case it's not really "manipulating" anymore, or we don't, in which case you get kicked out of the way. So ... uh.

    I don't think I ever blamed an action or a decision of myself on "manipulation". In that sense, hold him responsible, not her.


    Edit: As for practical advice ... talk ... I guess? Relationship means compromises, so he should care about your feelings (and vice-versa -- naturally). Of course, there is a risk that he weighs pro's and con's, and you draw the short end of the stick. We can be radically consequent -- if there is a binary choice, and one option is taken, it will be followed through until the very end. This could mean her, and not you.
    Last edited by Northern Lights; 03-29-2019 at 09:38 AM.
    Agent Washintub and twirler thanked this post.

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  5. #4

    I have an istp partner ( enfp though ) his best gal buddy hated my guts during the first 2 years that we were together and she was his ultimate bff . She shows me an attitude when she sees me and glared at both me and my friends when we bump into her in public . She would call him "BFF!" And talk to him while purposely talking to him and ignoring me . He found the situation hilarious, whereas I avoid her mainly for the sake of knowing that she cared deeply for my husband.
    He knows that she disliked me - and that I'm uncomfortable by it so he doesn't plan event for us to be in the same room with one another.
    Suddenly one day my istp decided that he wanted me to have coffee with his infj bff at a bookstore and that day she and I ended up conversing for hours and we clicked , her opinion of me changed afterwards - turned out her perception of me was off bc most of my husbands exes were jealous of her and made up rumors about her attacking them or assume that hes cheating on them with her- when I came along she was done with being nice to his gf . However he told her ( this I didn't know) that he loves me and hearing her bash about me would only distant their friendship apart hence she wanted to get to know me personally herself.

    I understand how uncomfortable it must be to have someone disliking you but talking about it will only make your partner more uncomfortable.
    You voiced your opinion already - now I say be the bigger person and ignore her , hes with you and her opinion shouldn't matter to him
    if she bugs you deeply write her a letter expressing your thoughts about it - whether of not you choose to give her the letter is your choice
    Sent from my SM-G955U using Tapatalk
    Last edited by ai.tran.75; 03-29-2019 at 09:36 AM.

  6. #5
    Unknown

    she is in your life because you keep resisting her.
    youre looking at her screaming NO and expecting her to leave your reality.
    you cannot eliminate what you incorporate into your reality
    my advice: withdraw all attention to this girl.
    dont make her an issue at all.
    be a fun girlfriend and invite your partner to do wonderful things so she becomes irrelevant.
    Agent Washintub thanked this post.

  7. #6

    Quote Originally Posted by Diving for Light View Post
    she is in your life because you keep resisting her.
    youre looking at her screaming NO and expecting her to leave your reality.
    you cannot eliminate what you incorporate into your reality
    my advice: withdraw all attention to this girl.
    dont make her an issue at all.
    be a fun girlfriend and invite your partner to do wonderful things so she becomes irrelevant.
    Yes and no. I've noticed a trend that most ISTP males have a female best friend. I am no exception and usually feel at a loss if I don't have one. I think of it like an Fe balance kind of thing. It's one thing for a girlfriend to say I'm an asshole or something because she disagrees or whatever, but it's another for a different girl with no romantic attachment to say the same.

    But to address OP: communicate. For the love of all that is holy, 99% of all relationship issues can be resolved by simply talking and expressing sympathy. If it's not returned in kind, just leave. Relationships are filled with compromise, and if one side refuses it turns into a expressway to disaster. So, with that in mind, don't expect to just up and give up a friend either. You might just have to settle for not being in the same room as her and leave it at that.
    elizabeththeauthor and twirler thanked this post.

  8. #7

    Quote Originally Posted by Agent Washintub View Post
    Yes and no. I've noticed a trend that most ISTP males have a female best friend. I am no exception and usually feel at a loss if I don't have one. I think of it like an Fe balance kind of thing. It's one thing for a girlfriend to say I'm an asshole or something because she disagrees or whatever, but it's another for a different girl with no romantic attachment to say the same.

    But to address OP: communicate. For the love of all that is holy, 99% of all relationship issues can be resolved by simply talking and expressing sympathy. If it's not returned in kind, just leave. Relationships are filled with compromise, and if one side refuses it turns into a expressway to disaster. So, with that in mind, don't expect to just up and give up a friend either. You might just have to settle for not being in the same room as her and leave it at that.
    I agree with this advice.

    Was this girl there before you? In my experience with ISTPs, history carries a lot of leverage. ISTPs can be really loyal individuals and if they are Enneagram 9 too -- well, I think it'd be hard to ask them to pick sides only two months into the relationship. That said, in the end, the ISTP will "do what he wants" anyway. @Northern Lights

    Also, I think showing your boyfriend that you are actually hurt and not just involved in some conflict is key. Sometimes I address things with my ISTP angry-mad, but I'm really hurt underneath -- he only sees the mad me (never thinks there is something else going on) and that is never, ever effective with him. However, when he sees that I am actually sad and vulnerable, he is totally open to having the conversation.

  9. #8

    Quote Originally Posted by twirler View Post
    I agree with this advice.

    Was this girl there before you? In my experience with ISTPs, history carries a lot of leverage. ISTPs can be really loyal individuals and if they are Enneagram 9 too -- well, I think it'd be hard to ask them to pick sides only two months into the relationship. That said, in the end, the ISTP will "do what he wants" anyway. @Northern Lights

    Also, I think showing your boyfriend that you are actually hurt and not just involved in some conflict is key. Sometimes I address things with my ISTP angry-mad, but I'm really hurt underneath -- he only sees the mad me (never thinks there is something else going on) and that is never, ever effective with him. However, when he sees that I am actually sad and vulnerable, he is totally open to having the conversation.
    History does carry a lot of weight with me. I think that can be said for most ISTPs, so I agree with you. (And 8s as well). And I can promise you one thing, if a girl I was dating ever put me in an ultimatum (let alone two months in), she would be the one to get the boot. I don't play those games. I don't get involved in squabbles with other people in general. Hell, I didn't talk to my own mother for almost 3 years because she dragged me into an argument with one of my cousins and tried to use me as a go-between. Your issues with another person are just that... yourissues.

    And yea, if you come to me angry, my first mental response would be, "fuck off". After that I'd either get defensive or just tune you out completely.
    twirler thanked this post.


     

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