[ISTP] How to win over a female ISTP online who has friend zoned you after hurting her

How to win over a female ISTP online who has friend zoned you after hurting her

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This is a discussion on How to win over a female ISTP online who has friend zoned you after hurting her within the ISTP Forum - The Mechanics forums, part of the SP's Temperament Forum- The Creators category; I'm a 21 year old INTJ who borderlines INFP-INFJ based from an official clinical MBTI test I took just a ...

  1. #1
    INTJ

    How to win over a female ISTP online who has friend zoned you after hurting her

    I'm a 21 year old INTJ who borderlines INFP-INFJ based from an official clinical MBTI test I took just a few months ago. An ISTP female has caught my interest online and we've been "friends" and talking to each other and even played online games together for almost 5 months now. Just a few days ago I asked her if she could see our relationship going any further than friends and she says "no, I don't see this going further than friends.". I'm not sure if this is a friend zone because she used to say and made it clear that she doesn't believe in friend zone, yet she just basically did it to me.

    I believe this might've been prevented if only I actually understood her and didn't hurt her 1 1/2 months ago. Basically, I blocked her in all social media platforms and even in the game we were playing and I stopped talking to her for a week without leaving any notice. I did this because I thought she didn't care about me, disliked everything about me, and just generally finds me repulsive. She would constantly express how much she dislikes me, how she finds my views disgusting, and tell me she would never like me because we're too opposite yet she would spend hours (2-12 hours) almost everyday talking/playing with me. I got so frustrated at myself and her so I impulsively blocked her during the moment of realization that she might just be stringing me along. I thought she was stringing me along unintentionally because she would go hot and cold, one day she would seem interested in me, the next 2 or 3 days she would seem disinterested. I needed a break from her inconsistency and I also wanna know what she truly felt about me, so I thought blocking her would kill 2 birds in 1 stone.

    By observing how she would react to me going invisible out of nowhere I thought I might finally know if she cares about me and her true feelings or her intentions for me (I know it was childish), like if she actually dislikes me or just her being cold/blunt because it is somehow her way of showing affection??? idk... so why didn't I just asked her? Well, I was afraid of rejection and I thought knowing her, even if she did have feelings or interest in me she would never ever verbally admit it or just outright deny it. The result was... well it made her very upset, and she said I made her worried, she almost hated me for it and started telling me to fuck off and that she no longer gives a shit about me. So I left her alone for a month then we started talking again, she said she has forgiven me to an extent and that she does care about me and that she's finally willing to cooperate with me in rebuilding our friendship again but she said she needs a lot of time to get everything back the way they were.

    Tbh I still don't know what she truly feels, She said she used to be interested in me but that all changed after what I've done. I think it really is highly probable that she dislikes me a lot and that she finds me disgusting but what I'm baffled about is that why does she keeps me around? I asked her about this and her response was "cos you're my friend. That's it, that's all", it just doesn't make sense to me. Why keep spending time with someone you dislike the more you talk to? But anyway, I don't wanna give up on her as I promised her before that I will never abandon her like everyone else in her circle of friends did to her (which i already broke according to her), and besides I see so much growth potential in our relationship. I think she's worth the heartache, I just don't know where to get the will to give up. Is there any faster way to mend the wounds, and a way get myself out of the friend zone and win her over without having changing myself too much for her? Also, she refuses to meet me irl for reasons she doesn't want to tell me, so how am I gonna do this online?
    Last edited by RSpinoza; 05-02-2019 at 09:42 AM.



  2. #2

    Quote Originally Posted by RSpinoza View Post
    I'm a 21 year old INTJ who borderlines INFP-INFJ based from an official clinical MBTI test I took just a few months ago. An ISTP female has caught my interest online and we've been "friends" and talking to each other and even played online games together for almost 5 months now. Just a few days ago I asked her if she could see our relationship going any further than friends and she says "no, I don't see this going further than friends.". I'm not sure if this is a friend zone because she used to say and made it clear that she doesn't believe in friend zone, yet she just basically did it to me.

    I believe this might've been prevented if only I actually understood her and didn't hurt her 1 1/2 months ago. Basically, I blocked her in all social media platforms and even in the game we were playing and I stopped talking to her for a week without leaving any notice. I did this because I thought she didn't care about me, disliked everything about me, and just generally finds me repulsive. She would constantly express how much she dislikes me, how she finds my views disgusting, and tell me she would never like me because we're too opposite yet she would spend hours (2-12 hours) almost everyday talking/playing with me. I got so frustrated at myself and her so I impulsively blocked her during the moment of realization that she might just be stringing me along. I thought she was stringing me along unintentionally because she would go hot and cold, one day she would seem interested in me, the next 2 or 3 days she would seem disinterested. I needed a break from her inconsistency and I also wanna know what she truly felt about me, so I thought blocking her would kill 2 birds in 1 stone.

    By observing how she would react to me going invisible out of nowhere I thought I might finally know if she cares about me and her true feelings or her intentions for me (I know it was childish), like if she actually dislikes me or just her being cold/blunt because it is somehow her way of showing affection??? idk... so why didn't I just asked her? Well, I was afraid of rejection and I thought knowing her, even if she did have feelings or interest in me she would never ever verbally admit it or just outright deny it. The result was... well it made her very upset, and she said I made her worried, she almost hated me for it and started telling me to fuck off and that she no longer gives a shit about me. So I left her alone for a month then we started talking again, she said she has forgiven me to an extent and that she does care about me and that she's finally willing to cooperate with me in rebuilding our friendship again but she said she needs a lot of time to get everything back the way they were.

    Tbh I still don't know what she truly feels, She said she used to be interested in me but that all changed after what I've done. I think it really is highly probable that she dislikes me a lot and that she finds me disgusting but what I'm baffled about is that why does she keeps me around? I asked her about this and her response was "cos you're my friend. That's it, that's all", it just doesn't make sense to me. Why keep spending time with someone you dislike the more you talk to? But anyway, I don't wanna give up on her as I promised her before that I will never abandon her like everyone else in her circle of friends did to her (which i already broke according to her), and besides I see so much growth potential in our relationship. I think she's worth the heartache, I just don't know where to get the will to give up. Is there any faster way to mend the wounds, and a way get myself out of the friend zone and win her over without having changing myself too much for her? Also, she refuses to meet me irl for reasons she doesn't want to tell me, so how am I gonna do this online?
    Tell her this, "I recently met a girl in real life, and she told me that she likes me a lot and wants to get into a relationship with me, and I'm wondering if I should say yes. You know, I've always been interested in you, but I won't be able to wait forever. I need an answer right now. I remembered you said before that you used to be interested in me, so are you still interested in me now? If your answer is no, then I'll give up on you forever and start pursuing a relationship with that girl.."

    And if she replied no she isn't interested in you, then it's time for you to pull all the way back on her. Since she doesn't give you the romantic relationship that you're craving for, then it's pointless for you to give her the friendship that she is looking for.
    Since she rejects your romantic love, then you will reject her friendship.
    Just distance yourself from her until you eventually disappear from her life completely.
    If she asks you why you're suddenly rarely online, just tell her that you're busy pursuing a relationship with the girl you met irl so you didn't have time to go online anymore.
    Why give her your friendship when you're getting nothing out of it? Relationships is similar to investment, when you invest your love in someone, you're hoping that they will eventually love you back. But if there is 0% chances of them ever loving you back, why would you still want to continue investing your love into them?

  3. #3

    Dunno man, even if she does like you or begins to like you at some point it won't be an easy road. Seems like you guys have mega issues even as "friends" - a relationship will only make that worst IMO.

    Also liking someone/being interested in someone/having some chemistry doesn't mean you should be in a relationship with one another if you can't even handle your feelings for one another as friends, or treat each other like friends should.

    My relationship with my ex started online and it resulted in me blocking him several times due to hurtful things that were said and done out of his insecurity. We had a toxic relationship with red flags but I tried and tried to fix him until he would eventually meet me. Being together in person was great for a few months but soon enough all the problems started again and I genuinely wish that I never met him or at least broke up with him as soon as things went south again. There are red flags in your relationship and I felt emotionally drained just reading your situation.

    Why are you hanging onto her?
    What do you like about her? So far you've given no reason for why you actually like her?
    In what ways is she nice and improves your life?
    What growth potential do you really see?

    I think you need to question your reasons for holding onto this relationship/this girl instead of finding ways to make a toxic relationship work. I also think she has issues way outside of understanding in an MBTI context and neither of you seem ready for a mature/healthy relationship.

    Just my opinion after having many toxic relationships and wishing I gave up and saw the signs much earlier than I did.
    Egao thanked this post.

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  5. #4

    Even if you try she will probably see through you, we are good at seeing through lies and will trust even less when we are lied to

  6. #5

    Quote Originally Posted by JennyJukes View Post
    My relationship with my ex started online and it resulted in me blocking him several times due to hurtful things that were said and done out of his insecurity. We had a toxic relationship with red flags but I tried and tried to fix him until he would eventually meet me. Being together in person was great for a few months but soon enough all the problems started again and I genuinely wish that I never met him or at least broke up with him as soon as things went south again. There are red flags in your relationship and I felt emotionally drained just reading your situation.
    Was this particular relationship with an ISTP (if I may ask)?

  7. #6

    Quote Originally Posted by Egao View Post
    Was this particular relationship with an ISTP (if I may ask)?
    It was an ESTJ but he had a personality disorder. I got the feeling the person OP is talking about could also have a personality disorder - nothing he posted in the OP indicated anything to do with her MBTI type - it's all about relationship trust to excessive amounts and overreactions which tend to occur in personality disorders rather than personality types IMO.
    Egao and Sweet but Psycho thanked this post.

  8. #7

    Quote Originally Posted by JennyJukes View Post
    nothing he posted in the OP indicated anything to do with her MBTI type
    I agree.
    I was asking because it is sometimes said that some ISTPs get significantly better at relating once they are in the relationship, but I don't know if there's any truth to it.

  9. #8

    Sounds like she doesn't like you and at most only tolerates you. I'd say move on and not continue with such emotional turmoil.

    ISTPs really don't mince words and actions usually and accurately reflect how they view you. As is the case with SPs and their Se.

  10. #9

    My opinion is not to pursue her. I don’t see any good points to actively pursuing her. Also, I know two people who had a relationship like this and he married her because he thought it would fix things but only made his life a million times worse and he is still paying for it. Also, she’s so hot and cold (for apparently no reason?) so I am going to suggest bipolar or borderline personality disorder or something similar.
    JennyJukes thanked this post.


     

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