I'm a 21 year old INTJ who borderlines INFP-INFJ based from an official clinical MBTI test I took just a few months ago. An ISTP female has caught my interest online and we've been "friends" and talking to each other and even played online games together for almost 5 months now. Just a few days ago I asked her if she could see our relationship going any further than friends and she says "no, I don't see this going further than friends.". I'm not sure if this is a friend zone because she used to say and made it clear that she doesn't believe in friend zone, yet she just basically did it to me.
I believe this might've been prevented if only I actually understood her and didn't hurt her 1 1/2 months ago. Basically, I blocked her in all social media platforms and even in the game we were playing and I stopped talking to her for a week without leaving any notice. I did this because I thought she didn't care about me, disliked everything about me, and just generally finds me repulsive. She would constantly express how much she dislikes me, how she finds my views disgusting, and tell me she would never like me because we're too opposite yet she would spend hours (2-12 hours) almost everyday talking/playing with me. I got so frustrated at myself and her so I impulsively blocked her during the moment of realization that she might just be stringing me along. I thought she was stringing me along unintentionally because she would go hot and cold, one day she would seem interested in me, the next 2 or 3 days she would seem disinterested. I needed a break from her inconsistency and I also wanna know what she truly felt about me, so I thought blocking her would kill 2 birds in 1 stone.
By observing how she would react to me going invisible out of nowhere I thought I might finally know if she cares about me and her true feelings or her intentions for me (I know it was childish), like if she actually dislikes me or just her being cold/blunt because it is somehow her way of showing affection??? idk... so why didn't I just asked her? Well, I was afraid of rejection and I thought knowing her, even if she did have feelings or interest in me she would never ever verbally admit it or just outright deny it. The result was... well it made her very upset, and she said I made her worried, she almost hated me for it and started telling me to fuck off and that she no longer gives a shit about me. So I left her alone for a month then we started talking again, she said she has forgiven me to an extent and that she does care about me and that she's finally willing to cooperate with me in rebuilding our friendship again but she said she needs a lot of time to get everything back the way they were.
Tbh I still don't know what she truly feels, She said she used to be interested in me but that all changed after what I've done. I think it really is highly probable that she dislikes me a lot and that she finds me disgusting but what I'm baffled about is that why does she keeps me around? I asked her about this and her response was "cos you're my friend. That's it, that's all", it just doesn't make sense to me. Why keep spending time with someone you dislike the more you talk to? But anyway, I don't wanna give up on her as I promised her before that I will never abandon her like everyone else in her circle of friends did to her (which i already broke according to her), and besides I see so much growth potential in our relationship. I think she's worth the heartache, I just don't know where to get the will to give up. Is there any faster way to mend the wounds, and a way get myself out of the friend zone and win her over without having changing myself too much for her? Also, she refuses to meet me irl for reasons she doesn't want to tell me, so how am I gonna do this online?