Im just going to bullet because it seems like ISTPs read the info better/faster that way
But I am an INTJ female and I tend to over-explain.
- met my ISTP a year and a half ago at a con. He was quiet and didn't speak much but we became acquaintances
- Ran into him a month later at another con. Again, quiet and couldn't get much out of him convo wise.
(recently he admitted that it was weird that he kept randomly running into me through out the weekend at both those cons while everyone else he had to actively seek out)
- October of this year, he was the first person I ran into at a con. He ended up walking around with me for a bit. And finally started actually talking when we realized that we do have something in common (travel). That opened the floodgates and we spent the entire weekend together wrapped up in our own little world. We just...Clicked.
-Since then we have met up almost once a week. Hiking, rock climbing, just dinner or hanging out at my place.
-This is where the mixed signals comes in.
-There have been no overt moves.
-I have had to initiate every single meet up. And when I asked him if this was how it was going to be? "Probably. But I wouldn't be here if I didn't want to be"
- I understand that he's a lone wolf. And I try not to bother him to texts or calls. We've only spoken on the phone twice since October and they were brief.
- When we're together we tend to gravitate towards each other. Very casual yet intimate? Like he'll always make sure he's sitting next to me when we're in a group. We're usually pressed up on each other when sitting. Our bodies will be turned towards each other even when we're speaking to other people.
-He's pulled me in for cuddles but that is the extent of our physical relationship and has been a recent development.
-I know that he's a very sexual creature (as am I) and bi as well. He used to sleep around quite a bit.
-But we haven't progressed further than super intimate cuddling in bed/on the couch. I understand that this may be a form of intimacy for him but I don't know how he is/was with other partners.
-His longest relationship is 3 months.
- When I asked him if he was attracted to me last week he couldn't answer. "There aren't many questions I can't answer but this is one of them. I don't know." (I know I'm attractive but I wanted to know if HE was attracted to me and I was flabbergasted by his response) This convo also happened while he had his arm around my waist and I was pulled flush against him for an hour chatting
-When asked when I would get to see him again, he suggested coming over to my place (first time) in 2 days. I thought he would get bored just hanging out at home so I suggested an activity. We agreed to meet up for rock climbing in a few days.
-He ended up coming over earlier than planned and we had a very...domestic day. Just hung out at home and talked for hours, went to the market so he could pick up ingredients, and he made dinner for us.
-Last night I point blank asked him if I was being friend zoned "No. If I were going to friend zone you I would have done it a while ago"
Is it the fear of commitment?
The fear of screwing something up?
I myself am terrified but I don't want to risk losing this opportunity with him.
Because we work so damn well it's terrifying.
I dislike that I'm the one that has to initiate everything because it makes me feel like I'm being needy.
I keep texts to a minimum and give him plenty of personal space.
He said he'd put in more of an effort to communicate better but that he responds to me more than anyone else.
He admitted to my sister that sometimes he feels like I'm a mind reader which is nice because he doesn't feel like he has to say a lot and I understand.
One of my biggest worries is that he just isn't attracted to me on a physical level since I haven't even gotten kisses.
- But his cuddles are super intimate. And he normally doesn't like/let people touch him at all.
- We have mentioned that this is an extremely slow burn for both of us
- Nothing has been defined. I told him I'm not asking for anything right now. But that I did need to know that it wasn't just me. That I wasn't the only one investing in whatever it is that we have. and he agreed that it wasn't just me.
- I would not be ok to an open/polyamorous relationship. It was a pretty big blow to my confidence when he told me he wasn't sure if he was attracted to me. And I know he has an on/off that he says is an awful person and it's just about the sex, but he hasn't seen her for a while.
- So where does that leave me? I have no problem with casual sex being just sex but not if I'm planning on a committed relationship.
- To me...if you're courting me I would not be ok with you sleeping around.
- But I haven't asked for exclusivity/monogamy because I don't want to scare him off.
-is he taking it slow because he wants to make sure before committing to anything?
I know I know, we INTJ's overthink everything.
But when we fall we fall hard and long term.
His personality helps tone down my control freak nature.
And I'm able to get him to relax and smile by anticipating his needs/wants, especially when he's stressed from work, without smothering him.
So I'm taking it one day at a time with this man. Which for me is incredibly difficult because I'm a planner. But I feel like this slow burn is good in that we are actually building a foundation of friendship and what not without jumping into the bed right away.
SO do I keep at it or just brush my hands of this?