[ISTP] ISFP x ISTP Dating - Advice from an ISTP?

ISFP x ISTP Dating - Advice from an ISTP?

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This is a discussion on ISFP x ISTP Dating - Advice from an ISTP? within the ISTP Forum - The Mechanics forums, part of the SP's Temperament Forum- The Creators category; tl;dr Any advice on how to handle my sensitive ISFP-side with his sometimes direct and (in my view) offensive ISTP ...

  1. #1

    ISFP x ISTP Dating - Advice from an ISTP?

    tl;dr Any advice on how to handle my sensitive ISFP-side with his sometimes direct and (in my view) offensive ISTP comments when he's unable to comfort me and I don't want to come across as immature?

    Full story:

    So I'm ISFP and am dating someone who I analyzed to be ISTP. We're very similar in most things but there's a strong F-T difference, I think.

    I tend to dwell on things that he says for sometime and if I bring it up later, he will always be surprised and say "you're still thinking about that?!".

    For example, 2 days ago he said "My ex was a great kisser." That's a perfectly fine statement I suppose (and also a stupid and inconsiderate one) but I took it as "you're a bad kisser and I miss my ex" and still have it in the back of my mind every time we kiss now as if I'm being compared and need to prove that I'm a good kisser. (BTW I'm not a bad kisser at all, but it's just one of several examples where he says something I find offensive and then keep dwelling on it.)

    Any advice on this? He's quite bad with talking and I basically have to drag a somewhat comforting response out of him, like by asking "So what things do you like about me more than your ex?". I don't know, I'm a very sensitive person but I don't think he is in that regard. It happened several times now and I'm not sure how to handle that. I don't want to come across as immature (which he sorta implied by saying I'm not "mature enough"), but I do feel quite bad for a long time after comments like that. And then I feel bad for feeling bad. If that makes sense.

    I honestly don't think it's a matter of maturity, though. I'm just sensitive by nature and if someone I care about says something I find offensive that thought will slowly spiral out of control in my mind if I'm not comforted, making it much bigger and worse in my head than the comment really was.

    Aside from that we get along perfectly. We have the exact same interests, we like each other greatly and love spending quiet time together just hugging and kissing. It's just this issue where he seems to be a bit direct sometimes and then doesn't know how to fix it (and nor do I). And I feel bad for being so sensitive. I want to make him happy, but I can't help feeling this way about certain comments. ^^;
    Last edited by lucia4; 10-10-2014 at 05:19 PM.



  2. #2
    ISFJ - The Nurturers

    Tell him, "I know I'm too sensitive, but I can't help it. When you said, "....." it made me feel "...." because "...." I need to hear from you that I'm wrong and I want to know why you said what you said."


    That should do it.


    Edit: and Thanks so much for adding the Tl;Dr part XD

  3. #3

    Thanks! That's a good point. :) <3
    We're both not great at communicating. I keep my feelings inside or become passive aggressive and he's not good at verbally comforting. I'm not sure what part of ISxP that is, haha.

    I wonder though, what do you mean by this part:

    "I need to hear from you that I'm wrong and I want to know why you said what you said."

    By being wrong, do you mean my oversensitive reaction to certain comments? Why would I want to hear from him that being oversensitive is wrong when I already know that? I think I'm misunderstanding this part. ^_^;

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  5. #4
    ISFJ - The Nurturers

    @lucia4

    Let me rephrase:

    "I know I'm too sensitive, but I can't help it. When you said, "My ex was a great kisser" it made me feel "inadequate and inferior" because "I felt like you were comparing her to me" I need to hear from you I am wrong about you comparing us and I want to know why you said that she was a good kisser so that it will put to rest my insecurities."


    Better?
    lucia4, sogood and Negativity Bias thanked this post.

  6. #5
    ISTP - The Mechanics

    If he says something like "my ex-boyfriend was a good kisser" that you perceive as mildly offensive, then you should try to communicate to him exactly how you feel right away, and remind him try to be more careful and not say things like that. ISTPs LOVE direct, straightforward communication and will greatly appreciate it, no matter how little they communicate their appreciation.

    A mistake that some IFs make (I've witnessed it as well) is to bottle up their feelings and get to the point where they're about to explode, and the person they are angry at has no idea why they are so angry, because of lack of communication. I'm not saying you are like that, but try to avoid being like that as much as possible.
    lucia4 and Seralya thanked this post.

  7. #6

    ^

    That's really helpful guys, thank you so much! Should've thought about it that way a few days ago instead of bottling up my feelings and becoming slightly bitchy.

    then you should try to communicate to him exactly how you feel right away, and remind him try to be more careful and not say things like that. ISTPs LOVE direct, straightforward communication and will greatly appreciate it, no matter how little they communicate their appreciation.
    Yeah, he said something like that before. I'm very opposite of that (like you said). I'll work on being more honest and direct. :) Especially the part of "how little they communicate their appreciation" is good to know. He's totally like that, so sometimes I'm not sure if what I'm doing is right. Good advice!

  8. #7

    Try to interpret things as he means them, not as he says them. I try this with people I talk to, and it has improved my communication skills. But above all, (gently) let him know of a problem so he can fix it. It's always terrible when you get blown up on by someone who has reached their breaking point before you even realize there was a problem.
    lucia4 and Seralya thanked this post.

  9. #8

    I do actually let someone / him know pretty quickly about a "problem". I / we just both lack the necessary verbal skills to talk it out properly (if that makes sense). I let him know about it, but then he just leaves it "hanging" there, I don't want to continue bringing it up, he thinks I've forgotten, but then it grows in my head. So will just talk it through next time. :)

    The advice above is really good, though. I'll try Virgo's format next time. Really need a nice "template" like that.

    Try to interpret things as he means them, not as he says them.
    Could you explain?
    Virgo thanked this post.

  10. #9

    Quote Originally Posted by lucia4 View Post
    I do actually let someone / him know pretty quickly about a "problem". I / we just both lack the necessary verbal skills to talk it out properly (if that makes sense). I let him know about it, but then he just leaves it "hanging" there, I don't want to continue bringing it up, he thinks I've forgotten, but then it grows in my head. So will just talk it through next time. :)

    The advice above is really good, though. I'll try Virgo's format next time. Really need a nice "template" like that.



    Could you explain?
    Sure. Sometimes us ISTPs tend to say things that sound more offensive than we really mean them, and the purpose of what we try to say is lost. So if he says something offensive, try to determine if he actually meant it in an offensive way. If so, talk to him about it. If not, talk to him about what he was trying to say before the offensive/insensitive part distracted you.

    I, being an ISTP, have to do things the reverse; I try to determine what people are trying to say under their emotional clouding.
    lucia4 thanked this post.

  11. #10
    INFP - The Idealists

    Quote Originally Posted by lucia4 View Post
    Thanks! That's a good point. :) <3
    We're both not great at communicating. I keep my feelings inside or become passive aggressive and he's not good at verbally comforting. I'm not sure what part of ISxP that is, haha.

    I wonder though, what do you mean by this part:

    "I need to hear from you that I'm wrong and I want to know why you said what you said."

    By being wrong, do you mean my oversensitive reaction to certain comments? Why would I want to hear from him that being oversensitive is wrong when I already know that? I think I'm misunderstanding this part. ^_^;
    That YOU are wrong, not the HE is wrong.

    You: "It made me feel like you prefer kissing your ex to me and I need you to tell me that's wrong."


     
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