ISFJ help so that i can better understand my girlfriend.

ISFJ help so that i can better understand my girlfriend.

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This is a discussion on ISFJ help so that i can better understand my girlfriend. within the Myers Briggs Forum forums, part of the Personality Type Forums category; If people would share their type and their experiences with communicating with ISFJs then that would also be helpful. My ...

  1. #1

    ISFJ help so that i can better understand my girlfriend.

    If people would share their type and their experiences with communicating with ISFJs then that would also be helpful.

    My girlfriend and I have been in a relationship for 6 months now, previously we were flat mates and became good friends very quickly, spent mostly every day together for 7 months before we decided to get into a relationship. One significant difference between us is our communication styles, not so much in person but texting is brutal. we are at the same university but she's an international student so over the holidays I don't get to see her and texting is the only option (cant make calls to UAE). This Summer we haven't seen each other for over 2 months and it feels as though that with each day, I get more paranoid. So i was wondering if any ISFJs out there can help me understand how you communicate.

    I know that she loves me without a shadow of a doubt, she speaks of the future (family, kids, marriage ect..)vividly and i find this attractive but her love seems tame, I doubt that what she says is true because she says so little, there is no attempt at further elaboration or expression, just response after response with no depth. I am liable to feelings of worthlessness, a fear of a lack of usefulness which condemns me to feel replaceable, these feelings return in phases but are exponentially more often while we text without any physical interaction. She spends 16 hours a day scrolling through Instagram but struggles to spend time and effort writing a remotely interesting reply, everything's on the surface and straight to the point... Blunt, bold, and often cold. I feel that ISFJs care about a lot of things but only under obligation, if im upset then you will come running to my rescue, If I ask you to do something then you will do it, but knowing that the only reason you do something is because you were told to, not because you genuinely wanted to, that scares the shit out of me because if it isn't authentic, I dont want it. I want to know that i mean enough for you to take initiative and express it authentically. I don't want to seem like a fragile little snow flake, I can take a beating and take the truth, what I cant take is the paranoia which occurs when i'm told one thing but the actions don't sync up and i'm left uncertain. A mild but true example,

    Me: "Heyy, how are you?"

    ISFJ: "hi, im good"

    *I think shes going to continue or return the question but 5 minutes goes by*

    Me: "okay guess you dont want to talk"

    ISFJ: "wait noooooo baby no i do want to talk. how's my baby?"

    Then I dont want to talk to her because the only reason she wants to continue the conversation is because she doesn't want me to feel as though she doesnt want to talk to me, yet if she wanted to talk to me, she would have made the effort to do so in the first place.

    She is an avid replier, always feels as though it is her duty to have the last word so that the other person doesn't feel ignored, yet the reply is completely useless, this reply typically comes in the form of "*laughing emoji*", "yeah i know", "oooooooh", "OMG", "fdlltudygjgdlghdjflo"(if somethings cute) and my personal favorite, "awwwwwwwww". I constantly remind her I miss her, I randomly send her pictures that i have of her and remind her that shes beautiful, I tell her that she should never feel self-conscious around me, that i wont judge her and be open about my own insecurities so that she doesn't feel alone. I do this because I can see she is gaping with insecurities herself and she appreciates this and cries but it is seldom reciprocated, often compliments are followed with a back handed comment to make sure I don't get full of myself. Im not saying that I want my girlfriend to treat me like a princess, I just feel the relationship is imbalanced but she refuses to acknowledge it and appears oblivious to it, even after ive told her and I fear that one day it might bubble over and i end up hurting the person I love.

    could you please explain to me the ISFJ style of communicating and the reasons why (even with people close to you) its so direct and boring? My girlfriend says its because she "doesnt know what to respond", after i suggest to her brainstorming possible things to respond instead of just conceding that there is nothing to respond, she says "how can I think of ways to respond if I dont know what to respond" excuses like that make me so mad and have single handedly gotten me addicted to smoking. Ill leave it on that kinda funny note.


  2. #2

    Honestly in my experience it all sounds like she's sort of fed up, when I have no investment in relationships anymore (can be for a multitude of reasons) I tend to give filler replies. When I'm invested I really, really care and it shows - I make effort to be attentive to my partner. Unfortunately ISFJs can hold on to relationship out of "habit" and "duty" and sometimes don't even realise they're fed up. I think what you need to do is ask her if she can stop what she's doing so you can have a one to one conversation - maybe a video call so the concentration is on each other? - and tell her how you feel, that you feel you are putting in all the effort. Maybe try plan a movie night date where one of you streams and you spend time that way? Maybe she needs to remember why she likes you and shouldn't get too complacent and take you for granted. If she's not willing to spend that time with you then I think you should stop making the effort with her and she'll soon realise how it feels. In a healthy relationship it needs to be two-ways, same goes for when you're reaffirming her and making her feel good, if she loves you she should want to do the same for you. At least that's how I feel in my relationship.


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