NOTE: This will be a long post, so please bear with me.
I'm 18, F, INTP and I have troubles with emotions. Not that I don't have any, but it's hard for me to recognise them until it's too late, especially when it comes to potential love interests. I find it hard to know when I am 'in love' with someone or if it is just me, having strong feelings for them. I realized that it's because I try not to address my feelings even when I notice that it's there.
"I always felt too vulnerable and feared attention, judgement, and hurt. The easiest most effective response? I consciously decided to not give a shit, and binged in my self-indulgence, loving myself whilst being respectful to those who expressed love to me, but not reciprocating. Simply pedaling what I knew they wanted from me to make them happy." From a fellow INTP on quora.
This is the best way to describe the reason why I act the way I do. In addition, due to childhood traumas and shitty relationships from the past, I decided that I never want to get too attached to people because I hate it when they make me feel so helpless, and it really pains me once they leave. Thus, the detachment in my part.
But recently, I met this guy (25M). He was very open and honest with me, he was like this huge ball of innocence in a body of a grown man. And it felt too good to be true. He shared his self to me, but I was so filtered out with him because I was afraid that if I became as honest as he is, I would get attached, and I swore to myself to never be that kind of person. Despite being filtered with him, I kept going back to his place. And at the time I was doing all these, I never thought much of it. But now, I'm realizing that the reason I kept going back was because I liked spending my time with him. I never truly shared myself to him, and yet I still caught feelings. What more if I did?
Point of this is, when we were together in bed, laying down, he brought up the topic of 'us.' He asked if I was seeing other men, and I asked if he is seeing other women. He said that there is a girl he's been talking to, but he wants to focus on what we have. And me, blocking any emotions, I abruptly said that 'we should end our thing. whatever this is.' He told me that I should give it some more time. The next day came by, I was still being hard on myself. I was trying to rationalize things, and I was thinking to myself that it's better to end whatever we have because experience has taught me that allowing my emotions to gain control has very disastrous results. As I was waiting for my ride, he told me, why was I rushing to leave. I shrugged it off because I was feeling so many emotions, and now I regret keeping mum about it. Then, he started to act distant, and I took it as a sign that I am no longer welcome anymore. So, I left his place the moment my ride came. (A friend told me that he must've acted like that because he was hurt by my decision. But in my mind, he acted like that to me because there's really no point of being nice to me anymore.)
This event triggered something in me. While I was on my way home, everything finally dawned on me, and it was like I was overflowing with feelings. Everything that I've repressed just came crashing down on me. I thought to myself 'why did I end things with this guy? All the signs were there, and I was too blind to see it. He even asked me out on a date, but because I fear sharing myself, I never gave him a clear answer.'
Hours after I left his place, I called him. I told him that I wasn't honest with how I was feeling because I feared rejection and relationships. I also said sorry for only having the courage to tell him these things now over the phone, and not when I was still with him. I asked him if he wanted to date, but he said that we aren't on the same page, and it's been a month since he tried to ask me out. I asked him if I missed my chance with him, and he told me that I should think more about it. I said, I wanted to hear his answer, and he told me that he'll let me know. Honestly, I was taken aback when he said it's been a month. I guess, I didn't realize how much I enjoyed spending my time with him because of my own fears to face my true feelings. It's true, you only realize what you have until it's gone. Now, I'm beating myself up for being so guarded with my heart, when all this time, I actually liked him a lot.
My question is, should I reach him out again? It's been two days. I'm trying to give him time because I'm still hoping when he said, he'll let me know. If he never reach out, I'll take it as a sign that I should move on. Or should I reach out for the second time? It's just sad that I have to realize all of these only when it's too late. Why am I such a baby with emotions? This urge to run away from what and who I love is a sort of sadism I no longer pretend to understand. I'm taking this situation as a lesson. And that, maybe it's time for me to open up my heart again. I wish it was with him, but I'm not sure if there's much hope left for me.
I'm sorry if this was such a long post. I needed to vent out and I also wanted to hear your insights. Should I reach him out, and ask him if he's thought about it? Or should I wait until he is ready? I'm not used to feeling this much emotions, but instead of blocking them, I'm allowing myself to feel everything, and it's all too painful. I wished I was more in tune with my emotions when I had the chance.