ENFP trying to say goodbye to an ESFJ

ENFP trying to say goodbye to an ESFJ

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  • 1 Post By Anon317
  • 1 Post By tangosthenes

This is a discussion on ENFP trying to say goodbye to an ESFJ within the Myers Briggs Forum forums, part of the Personality Type Forums category; There is this issue I'm not getting over. I used to date an ESFJ till about a year ago. We ...

  1. #1
    ENFP - The Inspirers

    ENFP trying to say goodbye to an ESFJ

    There is this issue I'm not getting over.
    I used to date an ESFJ till about a year ago. We got along very well, had a lot of common interests, had a great time talking to each other, and above this we enjoyed a fantastic sex life. But he had a hard time committing to the relationship, and went astray several times. (I must admit I met him at a time when he was in love with a married woman who loved him back but didn't seem to want to leave her husband for him). So he cheated on me with at least two different women. I lost my confidence in him and got very paranoia and unpleasant, trying to control his every move by being the smothering ENFP I can become when uncomfortable in a relationship. All this lead to our break-up last year. He then immediately started a relationship with one of the girls he cheated me with, still desperately trying to keep in touch with me and stay friends. But I couldn't bear it, I refused to stay in touch. The profound feelings of hatred I felt for him as well as for her made me keep away and I felt bitter.
    Then after a while we saw each other again and started meeting again, and also we started to have sex again, which we still do today. It's like an addiction. But at the same time it puts me in the position of being his mistress, and it doesn't feel right. I experience very high ups and very low downs lately, and feel like I'm never going to be able to stay at a distance from him. Although this would be the only solution, I think. (And so does my therapist.)
    When he comes too close I start hurting him for what he did to me and make him pull away, and when he retracts too far, I start missing him and I reach out to him myself.
    It's extremely difficult to remove him from my life, we have a lot of common friends/activities, and by not doing this I make it impossible for myself to meet someone new and start over.
    What can I do? Please help!
    Any comment is welcome. Feel free.

  2. #2
    INFJ - The Protectors

    idk , i don't want to say something that would make you actually do something ,since i am no expert in relationships , but the situation you got there seems very complicated and i don't know if you two loved each other or not .. but if i were you , i would simplify .. does this person love you and wants a long term relationship with you ? from what you said , it doesn't look like so.. also here it's just what i would do .. regardless of my feelings for him , i cannot be with someone who doesn't feel the same way about me as i do about them .. so i would just forget him no matter how hard it is and try do distract myself with work , hobbies and anything else till i find true love .. which i really hope you do !

  3. #3
    ENFP - The Inspirers

    Thank you so much, Anon317 for your reply!
    It is as you say a very complex situation, which we seem to want to keep in place for some odd reason, given that he is not planning a longterm relationship with me, but with the other girl. So in the long term I keep hurting myself over and over again by permitting him to come close.
    You know what: I think you might be right. Maybe simplifying things the way you stated could solve the problem in my head. We don't have the same kind of feelings for each other. Full stop. And forget about the past we have together and forget about the sex.
    And as for the distraction: I am currently planning some dates with other guys (even gay ones) and discussing a lot on fb. It helps. The difficult moments are the lonely ones. Where everybody is so busy there isn't time for chatting or meeting or... And then it gets tricky for me, ENFP to the fullest who needs a lot of attention. So I need to find me some other stuff to do to pass time. Maybe a second job to secure my financial future a little more. I would really love for everything to fall into place, if you understand what I mean.

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  5. #4

    Sometimes you have to do things you don't want to do, but your future self loves you for
    Orfea thanked this post.


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