This INTP needs your help understanding what to do!

This INTP needs your help understanding what to do!

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This is a discussion on This INTP needs your help understanding what to do! within the Myers Briggs Forum forums, part of the Personality Type Forums category; Hello, all. Some recent tribulation has spurred my interest in the advice of those more emotionally inclined than I am. ...

  1. #1
    INTP - The Thinkers

    This INTP needs your help understanding what to do!

    Hello, all.

    Some recent tribulation has spurred my interest in the advice of those more emotionally inclined than I am. Well, actually I'm panicking, and I'm surrounded by post-modern sensualists who don't seem to understand, so I really need some insight from those willing to give.

    In short (depending or your idea of it), I dated an INFP for a little less than three years. Admittedly, she began as a Psych experiment in the interest of proofing a few of my theories about people -- but of course I eventually developed the attraction I deceived her into believing I had for her the whole time. I began being honest with her -telling her about my manipulative nature- and so surfaced my primitive child-like emotions in what I've come to call love.

    But with this attachment came the principle-smashing hypocrisy of our mis-match.
    I disagree with recreational drug use, she loves weed. I'm all about saving my sexual experiences for a lifetime lover -- she's a bit of a nympho.(not that I didn't enjoy that aspect, I just regretted it every time.) I'm a traditional kind of guy: The list goes on.

    It was a bad relationship -- I didn't feel understood, and her unyielding loyalty led her to tears if she thought I was even slightly disappointed in something she did or said! This led to me feeling guilty throughout the entire relationship, because my nature is causing pain to some one I care about.

    We broke up six months ago, but she just sent me a three page list of things she misses about us and what she wishes were true. She still can't have a conversation on the phone with me without crying. She blames it all on herself.

    I feel like a shit bag.
    That underdeveloped emotional side of me is eating me alive.

    What should I do in this situation?
    What would allow her to move on?
    How can I get her to understand
    on an emotional level that she's just hurting herself more?

    Thank you for taking the time and having the attention span to read this.
    I linger on any advice.



  2. #2
    Unknown Personality

    Letting her know that you have moved on might help, but it will most definitely hurt her more. She will thrive on encouragement, but it is hard to encourage when you want her to move on...
    I resonate with what you said about the undeveloped emotional side, and i think it would be best for you to listen to that and swim in it, even if your initial reaction is to recoil at the sight of any negative (or even sometimes positive) emotions. The only way i have ever been able to move on in relationships and keep that undeveloped emotional facet of myself from destroying me is developing and listening to it...
    As far as the girl goes, truly hear your emotions without the doubts you usually feel about them and act on them. Let her know what you need from her and leave it at that. If she decides to hurt herself by self-destructing that is her choice and you cant take that weight on, otherwise you will be on the path of emotional turmoil, not her. i know how much it sucks, but it works. if you were a feeler i would tell you to develop you logical thought. :)

  3. #3
    INTP - The Thinkers

    Thanks, Nickster. Emotions are so bothersome! I mean look where they got her! bah.
    I recognize that her emotions are her responsibility, and that I should leave it to her to overcome.
    But she says many things in an attempt to win my attention, and some of them are horribly self-destructive,
    thus worrisome.

    I guess I'm just ambling around this confrontation . . .
    Do you suppose there is a specific method one might apply to an emo-centric person
    for the purpose of clarity and resonance?

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  5. #4
    ENTJ - The Executives

    Quote Originally Posted by Mitch Poole View Post
    Hello, all.

    Some recent tribulation has spurred my interest in the advice of those more emotionally inclined than I am. Well, actually I'm panicking, and I'm surrounded by post-modern sensualists who don't seem to understand, so I really need some insight from those willing to give.

    In short (depending or your idea of it), I dated an INFP for a little less than three years. Admittedly, she began as a Psych experiment in the interest of proofing a few of my theories about people -- but of course I eventually developed the attraction I deceived her into believing I had for her the whole time. I began being honest with her -telling her about my manipulative nature- and so surfaced my primitive child-like emotions in what I've come to call love.

    But with this attachment came the principle-smashing hypocrisy of our mis-match.
    I disagree with recreational drug use, she loves weed. I'm all about saving my sexual experiences for a lifetime lover -- she's a bit of a nympho.(not that I didn't enjoy that aspect, I just regretted it every time.) I'm a traditional kind of guy: The list goes on.

    It was a bad relationship -- I didn't feel understood, and her unyielding loyalty led her to tears if she thought I was even slightly disappointed in something she did or said! This led to me feeling guilty throughout the entire relationship, because my nature is causing pain to some one I care about.

    We broke up six months ago, but she just sent me a three page list of things she misses about us and what she wishes were true. She still can't have a conversation on the phone with me without crying. She blames it all on herself.

    I feel like a shit bag.
    That underdeveloped emotional side of me is eating me alive.

    What should I do in this situation?
    What would allow her to move on?
    How can I get her to understand
    on an emotional level that she's just hurting herself more?

    Thank you for taking the time and having the attention span to read this.
    I linger on any advice.
    I'm posting in an effort to help. If I come off as overbearing or inconsequential it's only to the fact that you did this to this poor girl. You are a shitbag. You can at least own up to that and that's good. You have that much to work with as in 'the only tool in the shed you have to get the job done'. I do have good news, however. You can fix it. I'm only basing this post on what you have said in your initial post. If you didn't give all the information, then of course I may have to reiterate what I am about to say. I'm taking your post as literal as you did post it in an open forums. I'm going to be as constructive as possible and keep to the points that were stated only in the initial post.

    After telling her about all your manipulation you put her through you did one thing wrong. You continued being the same man you were and didn't learn from your experience even if it was a wrong doing or not. You didn't become stronger from it. You are still crying for her while speaking to her on the phone. You let down your wall of strength which provided her security (which was very bad) and showed forth your weaknesses. She has taken it upon herself by finding her own security and strength to help you, which is why she is blaming it upon herself. She may feel very lost right now because the only sense of security she last had was the one that you thrashed to the ground when confessing your manipulation then further destroyed what was left by staying with her and trying to continue building a relationship from that point on. You can't build a relationship after losing a sense of security. You have to rebuild the sense of security then find out what is best to do from that point on.

    You have been separated for six months. Some women don't need three months to get over a relationship (whether bad, decent or good) and some need a good year or year and half to get over the feelings that are still there. In reality, sometimes those feelings never leave and it is only the will of the woman that gets herself up and moves on. What you are doing by continuing to show weakness when she contacts you is further enforcing her role to take charge and be stronger for you, while putting aside her own will to move on. Plain and simple, you were a shitbag and now you're being a wuss.

    Even if you believe that you are not a good match for this woman (and you should have ended it when all of the signs started to become apparent) you feel it is your duty to make it right, but you are failing at every attempt because you have given up your strength, which is the last thing a man should ever do. The only thing you 'can' do in this situation is to give back what you took from her. Women need security. They are 'by nature' the bearers of children. It is an innate feeling that is needed for them to be the women they need to be as life presents itself to them. Men are 'by nature' the hunters that continue to build their strength every day they go out to hunt for food to feed their families.

    I only assume (as you did not state) that everything was right and good until you came out of the dark and confessed your manipulative ways. But, after that point she lost her sense of security while being with you, which may have been the cause or many of the reasons it was "a bad relationship" as you state. You never built back that security she needs as a woman in a relationship. You must to start with that.

    Because you are a shitbag and this is something I would never do to a woman I should charge you a fee for the information on how you can get your ass out of this. But, I come here as a friend. Everyone makes mistakes. Some people more than others, but we are still all from the same Earth. I come here to help you and to help you in helping her. I only hope you heed my advice.

    For starters, you need a wake up call. So, here it is. Grow up. Gain the strength you need in order to provide -any- woman security in a relationship. If you never do this you yourself may never be able to move on and with that the woman you are dragging with you may have that much harder as not being able to or lengthening the time it takes to move on as well. You have to think. Clear your mind and just think for the time being. You say your emotional side is underdeveloped. I have some news for you. Some of the most successful men in the world still may not have their emotional side developed and for the most part men don't need to unless you want to be the man who hangs out with the girls on 'girls night out' and tell your sobbing stories and make them feel sorry for you instead of hanging out with the guys and playing poker with the game on the tv in the background while telling titty jokes and having some male bonding moments. You're a man. I'm a man. Listen to me. "Don't go there."

    So, what do you do when you talk to her next? Don't start talking feelings, Let her do that. Listen, think and then respond. Don't respond, listen and then think about how you could have said it differently. Get productive in your daily life. Don't sit around playing video games (Not that you do. Just don't do it.). Learn something new. Read a book or find something that has always interested you and just take the steps in fulfilling your own enjoyment. Don't be predictable (This might be the best piece of advice I can give you). Unpredictability provides challenge and puts you in a position to be funny or even sarcastic, which brings up the next one. Buy, find, rent, borrow or steal (ok, at least leave an IOU behind), however you have to, any books on the topic of being funny. Don't read joke books or one liners. I'm talking about reading a book on how to be a full fledged comedian. Even if you don't want to be a comedian, it will give you a better sense of mind when talking to women. In other words, stop making her cry, stop making her feel bad. Make her laugh like she had never laughed before.

    And one more piece of advice. Don't bring up the past to her ever again.

    Good luck.

  6. #5
    INTP - The Thinkers

    Fuck.
    I sat here for an hour, responding to this message, and it all was lost because I was typing it while not signed in.
    I wish I knew how to close a thread.

    I wrote a response to each of your paragraphs individually, each similar in length to yours, Miles.
    I will try to confine ALL OF THAT into a few sentences:

    You're hilarious. Imagine Samuel L Jackson yelling that bit about "Girl's night out" to a nervous little white kid.
    This post was about damage control for her. I'm okay with where my life is heading.
    Miles and I have very different values in a relationship.

    Thank you , Miles, for posting you full and honest opinions.

    I wish I could take this thread down right now. No one could reply properly with the absence of all the words I just lost.


     

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