I wonder if there is anyone else here who is or has been in these shoes.

I wonder if there is anyone else here who is or has been in these shoes.

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This is a discussion on I wonder if there is anyone else here who is or has been in these shoes. within the NF's Temperament Forum- The Dreamers forums, part of the Keirsey Temperament Forums category; I loathe having to suffer mine after years and years of abuse and having to care for her now at ...

  1. #1

    I wonder if there is anyone else here who is or has been in these shoes.

    I loathe having to suffer mine after years and years of abuse and having to care for her now at my expense in full with no help or support. This is something people need to avoid but for someone who is still a twenty something to have this burden is devastating as it kills your chances of making a life for yourself.

    Marvin the Dendroid thanked this post.

  2. #2

    Ahh, forgive me, but I just want to be clear about the situation. What I am getting from this and the link is that you are now caring for your mother (due to a disease/condition?), and you have resented/hated her for a while because she is a strict and emotionally distant person with whom you have never seen eye to eye with. Is that right?

  3. #3

    I am stuck having to care for her because she is unable to hold a job because she lost her license and over the years ruined her health and there is no SSI or anything like that so it is all on me. She is a very lazy person and just uses people for her convenience, she will only do things and be nice to other people when she is wanting or needing something in return other wise she does absolutely nothing for days at a time. She has been the biggest source of stress besides suffering the work place and I recently quit my job last weekend just to get a break so yea there is too much on my shoulders. I am only venting now so it doesn't become some big crisis later in life or going off like a bomb or having some major break down. I desperately want to get a few thousand miles (more like half a world) between the two of us but you know how the world is these days where to do anything requires money.
    Aiwass, Marvin the Dendroid and Voyageur thanked this post.

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  5. #4

    Hi. I have not been in those shoes, but that's okay.
    Is there anyone else to take care of her or split the burden?
    Have you calmly explained to her how you feel?
    Has she been abused in her past and has an immature mind?
    Does she have mental disorders or anything actual to keep her from working?

  6. #5

    She knows and no there is no other support, as for abuse goes lower class white family abuse happens by default and she had it bad. There is nothing I can do as this is beyond my abilities.
    Marvin the Dendroid thanked this post.

  7. #6

    I see people in a care-giving situation with their parents often, but usually not alone as a 20-something year old.
    Sometimes you see burn-out. Sometimes a spouse or a child just can't do it all anymore, this is often when the patient could take better care of themselves, but don't. Like when alcohol, smoking, or morbid obesity are concerned it gets tougher on the care-giver. Still, I've seen people give amazing love and cheerful care-giving.
    Is she ill? Does she need 24 hour supervised care or just partial? What assistance is in your state (if you are in a US state?) is there? Many states offer certain hours of care-giving depending on the illness of the patient. I'd call Senior services in your town and inquire, ask to talk to someone who knows about care-giving options. If she doesn't require 24 hour care, I would likely move out and visit her. If she does require 24 hour care then she could move into a group home if certain requirements are met--sometimes even morbid obesity will count if there are mobility restrictions. It should all get looked at by a case worker and calling her doctor and talking to the doctor can give options sometimes too. If she doesn't meet the criteria, then likely she is capable of helping herself-- in which case, I would let her take the consequences of her own actions. She can't mean for you to devote your 20's to her, and if she does, that is wrong and you should get out--- you can still visit, etc. Nothing to say you can't help around the house if you feel it appropriate. Negotiations are always easier from a position of power, for instance, if you CAN move out you can say, "You need to start doing X or for sure I will move out and I am looking at a place now..." Or just basically lay out what you are willing to do and what you are not, or what she needs to change in order for you to feel better helping her. I hope this helps, it's worth a shot, anyway.
    Good luck.
    Windblownhair and Voyageur thanked this post.

  8. #7

    She knows I want to move out but money as always is the wall and chain holding any real progress back. She is capable of taking care of herself for at least 10 to 15 years should she lose some weight but you know how people are these days even though she can care for herself now and isn't disabled that much at all. I Really want to leave the states and start fresh on a clean slate and try to make a decent life for myself.

  9. #8

    Then you should. She will have to step up.
    Start working on gathering data about your possibilities and tell her about what you intend to do. Look for jobs where you want to go. If you have friends or relatives out of state, look into that it can give you somewhere to stay for a month while you get your feet under you. If not, then look at jobs, college, etc. If you are interested in college then private colleges are cheaper for out-of-staters, or you can change state residency (work) and then go to college where you end up. Look into pell grants and the like.
    Many people start with nothing. I've seen people get out of all sorts of situations. Every foster kid at 18 has to figure out EVERYTHING on their own from their birthday on. Not easy, but I see people who have made their own life happen starting from zilch all the time.
    Windblownhair and raschel thanked this post.

  10. #9

    Your situation is a hard limit for me. My mom and I have had a strained and, in the past, abusive relationship. We aren't close, I'm unable to feel close to her because she is inconsistent, unreliable and a liar. Two years ago she came out with this crock of shit that she has a debilitating series of illnesses that are completely made up and not real. Her diseases are considered to be in her head according to the medical community. Almost a year and a half ago, she was evicted from the house she rented and has since been living in tents. Prior to the eviction, she was living in a tent in the backyard anyway due to her illness. I believe because it's summer she's actually staying in a hotel based on some of what she says. I try not to talk about it because I refuse to go down the rabbit hole with her in regards to her made up illness.

    So, in essence, my mom has always claimed to have various ailments and illnesses throughout my life, which I believe is a ploy for sympathy. When I was in 9th grade, she had an inoperable brain tumor (her claim, I never saw medical records) and she was supposed to die. Mysteriously, without talking about it after about a year, it has become a non-issue. This is one example but for me, this was the defining lie, the reason I don't trust her, and my "breaking point." This lie fucked me up. I thought my mom was going to die when I was 15. It was a difficult year for me. This is just backstory so the audience understands I'm not a monster ignoring my mother's illness. She has a pattern of this kind of shit. She's a liar.

    Now the part where we talk about how this relates to you. My mom is clearly in a position where, if I allowed it, she could live with me (or pitch a tent in the back, idk). But given her history, given more than I'm discussing here, given that I'm done with her lies, I have not offered and I never will. I don't believe at this point she will ever even ask. In fact, last year we had a hurricane and she claims she took shelter under a bridge for the duration. Had I known about that before the hurricane was upon us, I probably would've let her stay with me. She didn't tell me or my brother until it was unsafe for us to travel to her. I suspect it was another lie to make us feel sympathetic or something.

    So...do I relate to the opening idea of taking care of my mom, whom I dislike, because nobody else will? No. I don't. I won't be doing that. She's much older than I am, perfectly capable of caring for herself, she just chooses not to. That can't be my problem because I refuse to enable her any more than I already have.

    Whether or not you reach your breaking point and decide enough is enough, is up to you and it's personal. I can't offer advice. I can't tell you "just pack up and leave" or any variation of that sentiment. You will do what you want to do, and changing your circumstances will happen when you're ready.

  11. #10

    Another moment of drama, she decided to tell me now that she has an abscessed tooth and that I needed to come up with the money. I explained to her that I couldn't cover the expense right now and naturally she got pissed off. I took care of my grandmother and was ok with that as she provided me a place to live and that there was other help but taking care of Mom is a different matter as I cant put up with her any longer. I am going to get things sorted sometime this year or at least by sometime next year and say to hell with it and move overseas.

    The guilt trips don't work on me much at all anymore and only serve to stress me out that much more and piss me off. To any young and middle aged people out there don't do this to yourselves even if you are not in a good position yourself as you will only lose years that you will never have back.
    Marvin the Dendroid and Voyageur thanked this post.

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