ENFP female with INTP husband; need help on best communication and approach for INTP

ENFP female with INTP husband; need help on best communication and approach for INTP

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This is a discussion on ENFP female with INTP husband; need help on best communication and approach for INTP within the NT's Temperament Forum- The Intellects forums, part of the Keirsey Temperament Forums category; Hi everyone!* My husband, an INTP, is a brilliant and fun-loving individual.* We have been together for four years and ...

  1. #1

    ENFP female with INTP husband; need help on best communication and approach for INTP

    Hi everyone!*

    My husband, an INTP, is a brilliant and fun-loving individual.* We have been together for four years and just got married in May (:*

    Our brains obviously operate very differently which has caused me some struggle in determining how to best approach him on some issues I have been feeling he's going through. The main issue being that I don't know exactly what he is going through and therefore do not know how to help him or what the best thing is that I can do for him. Here's what's going on..

    It seems my husband has fallen into a rut.. every day is the same thing, and I hate to say it, but this has been going on for a couple of years now.* Every day he gets home from work, takes a shower, and then it's right to the couch to watch television with whiskey and a joint. It just isn't a healthy lifestyle.* I've spoken with him about his mental health, anything going on internally and he just seems and acts so content. He has gotten so comfortable with this rythm that it almost seems he is afraid to take any steps to make changes to these habits. His mind is too brilliant to be wasted like this but I don't know how to effectively help him and am hoping some of you can offer advice.*

    I completely undersand that INTPs need their space and aren't typically gun-ho for a social setting.* I've done research on his personality type and am really trying to learn how I can be the best spouse to him.* When I tried directly confronting him on this habit he accused me of giving him an ultimatum , so I learned pretty quickly that wasn't the right approach. At this point I am starting to feel like a broken record; I have expressed to him so many times that this lifestyle doesn't make me happy. And I am not being a hater on drinking or weed either, I will partake, it's the every single day aspect of it all that is the issue.*

    When Nick and I first met he wasn't like this. He would run every single day and while he has always been very stubborn, it wouldn't require a battle for me to get him out of the house. I have been trying to encourage him to start running again but haven't had any luck yet.

    It's also tough where we live right now because we are both transplants and don't know many people so he doesn't really have friends.* I have made all of our friends for us and even then he doesn't ever go out and do anything with just the guys.* How do I ease him into getting back into things that he used to enjoy without seeming forceful?* I know the first step in changing your lifesyle is the hardest.. I know once he takes that step it's going to be like a lightbulb going off in his head, but I just don't know how to lead him there.*



  2. #2

    Do you want to help him, or just get him off his ass?
    If you just want the temporary solution of getting him off his ass, I'll tell you the secret.
    We INTPs are extremely vulnerable to guilt, and "not living up to expectations". Whether we admit it or not.
    Don't directly guilt trip him.
    If you just want to get him up, just do work around him while he's sitting on his ass. Something hard, like picking up something heavy. Guys have the "hero complex" where we'll feel compelled to help a girl in need - it's a masculinity thing. If he says "can we do it in a bit?" Or "later", don't guilt trip him. Just say "No, I'll just do it myself", and just do it.

    It works everytime.

  3. #3

    If he hasn't been responding to your unhappiness and you truly can't stand the way he's acting, an ultimatum is the right way to go. If he seems happy this way and disinclined to change and you find it intolerable, give up. It's over. Do not waste your time trying to change a person, especially someone who isn't particularly dysfunctional. If, however, you think he's acting this way mainly because something is wrong, and you are willing to wait for him to fix it, that's the thing to focus on. Don't try to get him back into old habits and hobbies; that's his decision. Don't assume the reasons for his behavior. And don't project your values onto him (you may think he's wasting his "brilliance," but that opinion is irrelevant to what he should do with his own life). INTPs tend to care about understanding things more than we care about achieving things. You've just got to decide whether you want to deal with that. Ask him whether anything is wrong, and, if so, whether and how you can help. I don't know whether this is an INTP trait, but I prefer to be left alone to solve my own problems unless I explicitly ask for help. So he might be fixing or end up fixing things you don't know about. If you need some indication of change for your own peace of mind, tell him that.


 

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