What is your relationship with guilt

What is your relationship with guilt

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This is a discussion on What is your relationship with guilt within the SJ's Temperament Forum- The Overseers forums, part of the Keirsey Temperament Forums category; What is your relationship with guilt ? ( assuming that you have intentionally or unintentionally hurt someone you cared for ...

  1. #1

    What is your relationship with guilt

    What is your relationship with guilt ? ( assuming that you have intentionally or unintentionally hurt someone you cared for deeply )

    How do you handle it ? Do you get angry with yourself ? Upset ? Apologize for your intentional/unintentional mistake ? Express anger through it- forget about it easily or you have never felt the emotion? Or something entirely different?

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    Last edited by ai.tran.75; 06-27-2019 at 06:47 PM.
    Llyralen thanked this post.

  2. #2

    I’m very hard on myself when I feel like I’m at fault or responsible for something. Like if I spilled soda on somebody’s couch, I might even offer to pay for the cleaning cost. I know it was just an accident but still, it was my fault. Sounds silly but I really am quite hard on myself. It’s pretty draining.

  3. #3

    I get very upset with myself. Lots of internalized shame. I take responsibility for my actions but guilt still hits me hard. But I also refuse to be guilted for something I didn't do or that isn't my fault. As a kid I would take that guilt even when it wasn't deserved and it really fucked me up. Nowadays I stand up for myself more and refuse to let other people throw guilt on me that I'm not responsible for.
    ai.tran.75 and Bunniculla thanked this post.

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  5. #4

    Always thinking about my guilt

  6. #5

    Sometimes I have to remind the xSFJs around me to not be so caught up in guilt when dealing with other people. They can always feel they've not done enough, even when it's someone they don't even know that well. I tell them while they may think it's very little, it probably is more than enough for the other person. I teach them to be more in-tune with their true wants, their true feelings, and to be more selective when it comes to the people they allow to influence their lives, whether daily or in general. The few xSFJs who are good / reasonable enough to at least understand and accept me appreciate my keeping them in check when they go overboard with their feelings of guilt in interpersonal affairs. Sometimes I do come off a bit like an overly analytical, critical, guardian-like figure and I don't intend to hurt them, I just want them to not beat themselves up over their perceived failure to make people happy. They also learn from me (hopefully) that being overly inviting and "out there" isn't the key to making everyone happy. Some people appreciate a slower, more deliberate kind of engagement where they are free to make their own decisions and move at their own "pace."

    I also let them know when someone in their life is clearly unhealthy and having a negative influence on them. They may not realize because they're too caught up in obligation and all the "should dos." They're also a bit less decisive when it comes to removing toxic people from their lives. I can also have trouble with this, but I tend to recognize these dysfunctional patterns very quickly (whether I choose to let go quickly, I don't always let go easily though I have become a lot more assertive over time). The few who've come to me for advice regarding issues of guilt and other issues in their relationships get a perspective that they likely won't get from most of the people who surround them (or simply can't be bothered to give them because they may very well be emotional vampires). I feel it's a kind of clarity, even intensity and firmness in opinion that they don't come across every day because they can be so busy maintaining their social circles and letting people consume their energy.

    A tip for you guys though. When talking to NF, perhaps N in general, refrain from focusing too much on the details in your daily life unless something really interesting / important has happened. Cut to the chase, focus on what you intend to say, the message you intend to communicate, your goals, your deepest feelings. Our minds work better without all the "clutter".
    Last edited by WraithOfNightmare; 08-03-2019 at 08:24 PM.

  7. #6


    Since youíre an Nf - perhaps you wouldnít mind answering this thread . Iím collecting different perspectives, thank you
    What is your relationship with guilt?

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  8. #7

    Making any kind of relationship with guilt is like willingly submitting to torture.

  9. #8

    I've already answered this thread.

  10. #9

    Quote Originally Posted by WraithOfNightmare View Post
    I've already answered this thread.
    Iím sorry if I offended you in anyway, itís not my intention but my question was whatís your relationship pertaining to guilt not what advice you give to SJ users

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  11. #10

    If I have intentionally or unintentionally hurt someone I deeply care about (the latter is far more likely than the former), I would likely ruminate over it for quite some time and I would feel the weight of the world on me when it comes to making amends and repairing the relationship. If I am willing to go to great lengths to repair a relationship, that means I view the person as more or less irreplaceable in my life and someone I cannot see myself without. If it were just a good, but somewhat casual friend, I'd feel a bit bad about it for a while but I'd get over it because in a relationship like that there would likely have been a major point of conflict that from my point-of-view is unworthy of being reconciled.

    If I unintentionally hurt someone I deeply cared about out of what I perceived to be something done for their benefit (but I do admit the self-interest and preoccupation with my "personal" side projected onto them can be strong) there would still be a prideful part of me that believes I did no wrong or didn't do as much wrong as the other person perceived I had done. As much as I hate to admit, I am not one who says "sorry" easily. I guess for me it would be learning to REALLY put myself in that other person's shoes, to let go of this personal pride and stubbornness, and to take more responsibility for what I did / said to them. This doesn't come easily to me because being dominant Fi, I can have a hard time admitting I am wrong.

    If I am really distressed and in pain over having hurt the feelings of someone I don't want to lose in my life, that shows how much I care about them.
    ai.tran.75 thanked this post.

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