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𝗔𝗿𝗲 𝗬𝗌𝘂 𝗊𝘁𝗶𝗹𝗹 𝗔 𝗊𝗶𝗻𝗎𝗹𝗲ᅵ 𝗖𝗮𝗻'𝘁 𝗙𝗶𝗻𝗱 𝗔𝗻𝘆𝗌𝗻𝗲? 𝗣𝗲𝗿𝗵𝗮𝗜𝘀 𝗜𝘁'𝘀 𝗧𝗶𝗺𝗲 𝗧𝗌 𝗊𝘂𝗿𝗿𝗲𝗻𝗱𝗲𝗿 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗝𝘂𝘀𝘁 𝗟𝗲𝘁 𝗬𝗌𝘂𝗿𝘀𝗲𝗹𝗳 𝗕𝗲 𝗛𝗮𝗜𝗜𝘆
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Not all of us will be able to be lucky enough to be in a great relationship to get a match or a date, let alone be lucky enough to have great friends. It's just the uncomfortable truth, and the reality of it is that some us will still be isolated lonely despite how socially skilled we are, being rejected for our looks for not being beautiful enough not being attractive enough. Some of us will never find a relationship, never have sex, only to meet the fleeting realization that you'll never be able to meet these people's expectations, the fleeting moment that you realize that you'll never be able to measure up to the opposite genders expectations. Some of us will have zero friends, like literally zero genuine friends, except from your computer or A.I. So how do you not be miserable throughout this? How does one keep their sanity? How does one remain happy and healthy?

You don't want to just be mediocre happy, but happiness at the elite level, and if you want that, you got to respect yourself, it's time to give yourself that love that you always wanted from your romantic partner who you never managed to find, from your friends who you wanted but who you ended up with fake friends who don't really love or value you, the long-term effects of self-compassion on daily life include a decrease in depression, increased happiness, increased life satisfaction, and better physical health.

“There’s a mind-body connection,” Dr. Neff says. “When you relate to yourself in a kind, connected, mindful stance, it reduces your cortisol levels and increases your heart rate variability. Physiologically it puts you in a healthier state, which translates into better physical health, so people are more motivated to practice self-compassion,” she says.

“Self-esteem is a judgment of self-worth,” says Kristin Neff, Associate Professor Human Development and Culture, Educational Psychology Department, University of Texas at Austin and author of Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. “It’s like a judgment that ‘I’m a good person’ or ‘I’m a bad person’ or ‘I’m somewhere in between’. And it really focuses on kind of the worst of the self,” she says.

Self-compassion, on the other hand, isn’t a judgment of worth. “It’s a matter of treating yourself with kindness, care, and support, the way you would treat a good friend.

So even when you feel you’ve done something badly or you aren’t feeling so good about yourself, you’re accepting and kind to yourself,” Dr. Neff says. It’s more of an emotional attitude toward yourself.

A Deeper Look At Self-Compassion

Kindness is one of the main features of self-compassion, but it also includes mindfulness, Dr. Neff says. “We recognize we have strengths and weaknesses and we’re able to be with them with a little more equanimity, a little more perspective, and balance,” she says. “And, more importantly, it’s a sense of common humanity. There’s an inherent connectedness in self-compassion.”

Self-compassion is about recognizing that everyone’s imperfect and everyone struggles in life, yes even the hottest people meets their demons and imperfections, their short comings from time to time. It’s part of the human experience and what differentiates self-compassion from self-pity, Dr. Neff says.

And, it helps differentiate self-compassion from self-esteem. Self-esteem is very much about, “am I special and above average?” and “how do I stand out compared to others.” Whereas, self-compassion is more about, “this life is difficult for everyone. Everyone’s imperfect, but I’m recognizing my connectedness to others in my imperfection,” Dr. Neff says.

Healthy Self-Esteem V. Unhealthy Self-Esteem

People with high self-compassion also have high self-esteem, so in essence, self-compassion is kind of a healthy source of self-esteem, Dr. Neff says. But there are different kinds of self-esteem and different ways people can feel worthy.

An unhealthy source of self-esteem is when someone feels better than others or sees themselves as perfect. It’s a narcissistic way of distorting reality.

Self-esteem can also be unhealthy when it’s contingent on success, “when we only feel good about ourselves when we succeed, when we look the way we want to look, or when we get that promotion we want. And, it can be contingent on other people’s approval. Because of that, self-worth is linked to self-esteem,” Dr. Neff says.

“Healthy self-esteem is unconditional; it’s a solid sense of value and worth. It’s not dependent on success, it’s feeling worthy because you’re a flawed human being and know that everyone else is doing the best they can.” Dr. Neff says.

“Self-compassion gives you a stable self-worth, whereas self-esteem goes up and down depending on how your day is going. Your sense of self gets rocked every time you have a little setback.”

In a study Dr. Neff conducted comparing how self-esteem and self-compassion predicted stability of self-worth over eight months, she found that it was the level of self-compassion that predicted how stable people’s self-worth was, not how high their self-esteem was.

The Benefits Of Self-Compassion

Self-compassion seems to have better outcomes in terms of how people cope with failure, Dr. Neff says. “Self-compassionate people take more responsibility for their actions. They don’t excuse behavior. It actually promotes apologizing and taking responsibility,” she says.

Self-compassion is also concerned with the alleviation suffering. And that’s why self-compassionate people are less self-indulgent.

“They take better care of their bodies, they eat better, they exercise, they go to the doctor—so they aren’t self-indulgent in terms of physical pleasures,” Dr. Neff says.

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They also take more responsibility for their mistakes. “When you do make a mistake and you feel emotionally safe to take responsibility, it leads to more action to actually improve things.”

How To Cultivate More Self-Compassion

By utilizing a few simple exercises, you can help yourself to become more self-compassionate. It just takes a little practice.

  • Talk to yourself as you would a friend. A very simple way to be self-compassionate is to say, ‘what would I say to a good friend who was going through the same difficult situation?’ “That gives you the template for how to relate to yourself,” Dr. Neff says. It’s about using the skill that we’ve developed and honed well for others and turning it inward.
  • Practice mindful meditation. Mindful meditation increases self-compassion. “One of the benefits from being less resistant to our suffering and having more awareness is that it increases self-compassion,” Dr. Neff says. Mindfulness is the first step to self-compassion. You can’t have self-compassion without mindfulness. So, you have to be willing to turn toward the discomfort you have about yourself and relate to it with acceptance,” Dr. Neff says. “When you do that, it’s the first step toward being kind to yourself and to have the perspective needed to recognize this is part of being human.” Put your hand on your heart and say, ‘I’m so sorry you’re suffering, what can I do to help?’
  • Write a loving letter to yourself. Writing a compassionate letter to yourself from the perspective of a kind, loving friend. Focus on what you might be struggling with about yourself but have compassion, caring, and kindness. Give yourself advice you think this friend would give. “Even small amounts of self-compassion can make an important difference,” Dr. Neff says.

The Power of Self-Love and Self-Compassion

Ten tips to enhance your longest relationship — the one you have with yourself.

We often make broad generalizations about who we are, how we function, and how we think, feel, and behave. Sentiments like I am a mean, selfish, ineffective, unlovable person, or other derogatory adjectives or attributes become second nature to us. This perpetuates the desire to get rid of the aspects of ourselves that we would prefer not having because our perception is that we would be better off not having “it” or being “that way.” We have the idea that we can successfully get rid of fundamental parts of who we are and control our thoughts and feelings about it.

Good luck getting rid of our emotional sensitivity, envy, worry, anger, negativity, and other parts. We all try masterful ways to deny, avoid, and discard those unfavorable parts of ourselves. By going through that process, rather than ridding ourselves of those parts, we further intensify the struggle with them. Our frustration and disdain exacerbate. Often to our chagrin, we recognize that no matter how hard we try, we are fundamentally who we are, and our thoughts and feelings are what they are. This keeps us in the cycle of self-loathing and self-hating.


How We Treat Others vs. How We Treat Ourselves

When I ask individuals how they would approach their children or others who they cared about when they expressed being frustrated and hating parts of themselves, they inevitably say “with compassion and care.” When I ask them why they don’t approach themselves the same way, they invariably say they don’t know how to and for as long as they can remember, they have been frustrated, disappointed, or angry at themselves for “being” that way. Also, that over time, they “lost” their desire and will to be patient, caring, and compassionate toward themselves. Tough love has never been a strategy that worked, yet we still gravitate toward it and impose it on ourselves in the hope that we will finally be able to force out our unwanted parts.


It is the self-loathing part that needs the most empathy and kindness. If it were approached with compassion there would be more openness and opportunity for flexibility, leaning in, working on, developing, evolving, and growth. Research on self-compassion shows that it assists with better health, relationships, motivation, self-confidence, self-fulfillment, resilience, and emotional balance.

Ways to Foster Self-Love & Self-Compassion:

  1. Be conscious not to label yourself with broad generalizations of who you are and what you are about. For example, stick to the thoughts and feelings in the particular circumstance, rather than globally identifying yourself that particular way. For example, “my mind is being negative right now” as opposed to “I’m so negative.”
  2. Notice that we all have many parts to ourselves, some parts are more favorable, and there are other parts that we would like to work on and further develop. Being human and embracing our humanness, realize that we are all imperfect and there is and will always be parts of us that we need to work on. You are a work in progress. While you are living, there is never an endpoint to your development and growth.
  3. Be realistic about the feasibility of change and focus the evolution around “you” and avoid comparing yourself to others’ accomplishments or where they are at. The level of progress is individualized, and everyone works at their own pace. The goal isn’t to be a different you, but rather be more like you, and your very best self.
  4. Understand that although the part you are challenged with can be disappointing and frustrating at times, it is also the part that guides you and provides you with important information as to what your core values are and who you truly want to be.
  5. Notice when you are being hard on yourself and are distaining that part. Equally, notice the intrinsic value(s) that’s formative for you in that moment. For example, if you get down on yourself for being overly protective of your child because you worry in the moment, notice the worry, your thoughts and feelings about getting worried, and identify the value that is operating (parenting values, safety values, etc.) and thank your mind for reminding you what’s truly important to you so you can take the necessary steps to meet your needs and values.
  6. Recognize that although you have an emotionally sensitive, angry, self-centered, worried, or another type of moment that you do not necessarily need to act on that thought or feeling. You get to decide how you want to behave based on identifying and recognizing all the values that may be operating in that moment (in the example above — independence, individuation, etc.). You can make a decision or choice that is well thought out, processed, and mindful, and is in line with being your best you.
  7. That part of you is likely to be something you have been challenged with since your childhood. You may have gotten messages from other people or society at large that you shouldn’t have it, or you should rid yourself of it. This process may be a shift in the way you are dealing with it and with yourself in general. It takes time and practice to see and treat yourself differently.
  8. Practice providing compassion and kindness toward the challenging part. When it shows up, notice it with curiosity and openness and avoid judging and berating yourself. With imagery you can imagine hugging that part, saying something compassionate to it and/or inviting it in to gently and kindly just be with you without wishing it were absent or trying to push it away. Even when negative or uncomfortable thoughts and feelings about it are looming, acknowledge it, and purposefully and proactively show it loving kindness.
  9. When you are distressed or challenged, mindfully ask yourself, “What am I experiencing right now?” and “How am I thinking and feeling about it?” You can additionally compassionately ask, “What do I need right now?” and “How will I be kind to myself when I suffer?” There is often no choice but to accept that things are and will continue to be painful. If we can be kind to ourselves in the midst of suffering, rather than avoiding, distracting, warding off, or beating ourselves up because of the suffering, then we can be with our anguish and sorrow with greater ease.
  10. To help you connect with your self-compassion, consider writing one of these three letters (adapted from Kristin Neff and Christopher Germer):

  • Think of an imaginary friend who is unconditionally wise, loving, and compassionate, and write a letter to yourself from the perspective of your friend.
  • Write a letter as if you were talking to a dear friend who was struggling with the same concerns as you.
  • Write a letter from the compassionate part of yourself to the part of yourself that is struggling.

After writing the letter, you can put it down for a while and then read it later, letting the words soothe and comfort you when you need it most.

Take the time to be compassionate toward yourself. The longest relationship that you will have with anyone is the one you have with yourself. You are worth all your time, efforts, and love — because you truly matter.

Happiness is within you. All the ingredients that you need to be happy have been installed within you when you were manufactured by your creator. There is no happy pill, happy drink, happy vape. When you achieve happiness, it all happens from within, with no outside intervention is needed. Happiness is an emotion, and all emotions are already installed within us.

Let me explain this a little better, if you were to win the lottery, where would the good feelings come from? They money, the banker, the smell of cash? It will totally come from within you. The proof is, that if you were mistakenly told that you won the lottery, you would be excited, despite the fact, that you didn’t actually win.

The opposite is true as well, if you were to win the lottery and you didn’t know that you won, you wouldn’t be excited, even though you won 100 million dollars, since no one told you about it. This proves that good feelings have nothing to do with what goes on outside of you. It’s totally based on the internal thoughts you have. What goes on outside of you is clearly not where good emotions come from.

So now that the secret is out that you are prewired internally with every emotion you will ever experience in your life. You are all preloaded, with all the great emotions you can experience. And we established that all great emotions are already within you. What aren’t people happy? Why don’t we use all the preinstalled great feeling we have at our disposal?

The answer is that we think that we don’t deserve to feel great. Let me now again ask the question I began with, Do you deserve to be happy? On some level you don’t, otherwise why aren’t you happy. You have all the ingredients within you at your disposal. There has to be a reason why you don’t allow yourself to experience the great emotions you are able to.

One reason why we don’t allow ourselves to be happy, is because we think that we don’t deserve to be happy. We may have had an authority at some point in our life. Be it a parent, a teacher, someone we trusted, or someone we admired, who was disappointed in us. They didn’t like or approve of something we did, something we said, or something they thought we did or said. And the message we received as that is we don’t deserve to be happy. Because we are bad, rotten, no good, inappropriate, disrespectful, arrogant, out of control, hurtful, and the list goes on.

Authority has massive power to influence our global beliefs, as well as the beliefs we have about ourselves. Think how much a doctors concern affects our beliefs. We can go from feeling totally healthy to feeling like a sick person, with the concerned face of a doctor. This concept applies tenfold to children, authority has complete power over them. This allows them to be influenced by their parents and educators.

Therefore if you were told by authority or understood that they implied, at some point during your lifetime to date, that you don’t deserve to be happy, that could very well explain why you don’t think you deserve to be happy. When you don’t think deserve to be happy, your subconscious mind will do its job to make sure you are in line with your deeply held beliefs. It will not allow you to access the emotion happiness that resides within you.


The time is now to recognize, that the authority who told you that you don’t deserve to be happy, no longer has the power or right to determine how you see yourself. There is a new boss, there’s a new captain on the ship. You are the new boss, you determine how you see yourself. Your determine how you want to feel. You decide what emotions you want to access and experience. You make the decision, that you deserve to be happy. You not only deserve to be happy, but you choose to be happy. Because you deserve to be happy, it’s your birthright, all you need to do is claim it.

Don't you deserve love?

Sometimes we build up a protective armor because we do not consider ourselves valuable and lovable. For some people, this feeling is particularly strong. They believe that they don't deserve to be desired by someone else. And even though they are attracted to someone and the feeling is mutual, they can't really let themselves go. The reasons why people have such sad thoughts can be many. It is not uncommon for them to have a false self-image or basically low self-esteem. Sometimes they have also had negative experiences with an ex-partner who kept them down and made them feel unlovable or worthless.

Thoughts like "no one who really gets to know me will want to be with me" are at the forefront of their minds. And although they don't have this feeling on purpose, of course, it always creeps back in at the very moments when they could actually be happy. Self-doubt eventually leads to anxiety. Because when you feel unlovable, but another person shows you that they love you, you wonder if something could be wrong. This increases your fear of being hurt, disappointed, or taken advantage of. It is a downward spiral that you can only break yourself.

You are valuable & lovable

If we don't love ourselves, why should anyone else? Self-rejection works like negative hypnosis: the more negative Beliefs the stronger your self-doubt will become. Before you can form a close bond with another human being, you must first of all understand the most important Saving the relationship of your life: the relationship with yourself.

Realize that you are unique and wonderful - just the way you are right here, right now. You are perfect right this second and no matter what you do, think or feel, you will always be valuable and lovable. A little guide for more mindfulness and acceptance can be found in our magazine article "How to learn to love yourself". In addition, you should avoid dealing with people who tell you the opposite. Whoever says that you are not worthy of receiving love should no longer be among your close circle of friends or acquaintances. Because you are worth it!

You are lovable and valuable.

The fundamental question to answer is this: ‘If you don’t love yourself, then why should someone else?’

And yet it’s so easy to fall into a cycle of negative hypnosis, where you internalize negative beliefs about yourself. As the self-doubts mount up, your self-worth evaporates.

The fact is that you need to rescue and nurture your relationship with yourself before you can open your heart fully in a close relationship with someone else.

You are a wonderful and unique being, right here, right now. If you are struggling to reconcile yourself with that fact, the first thing to do is avoid people who bring you down by implication, word, or deed.

Sadly, there are people out there who are intent on doing us harm. It’s up to us and our own self-esteem, to choose whether to stay close to these people or whether we make a conscious choice to believe that we are worthy of better and that we deserve to be loved, appreciated, and cherished for what and who we are.

Anything that undermines your sense of self-worth has no place in your future as you rebuild your self-respect and learn to love yourself once more.

You may find that practicing mindfulness will give you mental space to burrow deep down into your core emotions and begin your journey back to self-love.

Here’s the bottom line: when you finally make the choice to accept yourself as you are and love yourself unconditionally, completely and deeply, pretty soon you’ll discover that people in your orbit won’t be able to help themselves from loving and accepting you in return.

1. I don’t deserve love because I’m not attractive – FALSE

Let’s get something out there right away: No matter what you may believe, you are 100% not too unattractive to be loved.

Take a look around you; I mean a really close look and not just at the ones who rate as ‘pretty’ in our (somewhat unrealistic) culture.

You’ll see that there are people of every shape and size; people of all different colors; people with a whole range of different facial features; people who are differently able to do things.

There are people out there who may look outwardly perfect but believe that they are ‘ugly’ due to flaws that are invisible to everyone else.

And then there are those who would grace any beauty magazine cover but don’t have a brain in their heads or are incapable of loving any other being than their beautiful selves.

The word attractive doesn’t even have anything to do with the way you look. What it means, literally, is having the ability to attract others and it’s never just superficial looks that achieve that.

If you’re looking for ways to make yourself more attractive, rather than the superficial stuff, one of the things that is most attractive traits is actually the ability to listen, to be truly interested in what others have to say.

Being a good and animated conversationalist is guaranteed to bring dividends that hiding yourself away because you mistakenly believe you aren’t pretty enough never can.

Get out there and do what you do, be who you are. Find like-minded souls who share your passion for Star Wars or hiking the backwoods or wandering the halls of museums.

While you’re following your interests and sharing them with others, the way you look becomes secondary to the way you’re experiencing life and all it offers. And that enthusiasm can be very attractive indeed.

And all the while, pay attention to the way you present yourself. It’s so easy to let things slide if you believe yourself to be unattractive and then it becomes self-fulfilling.

Clean clothes and hair are a must; stand up tall, paste on a smile and fix those bright eyes on the world around you. Remember that people who are interested are interesting.

2. I don’t deserve love because I’m a bad person – FALSE

Okay, so the first question that needs answering here is: ‘Who says you are a bad person?’

The fact is you’re more likely to be the victim here than the perpetrator. Someone in a position of influence, be they parent, teacher, lover, sibling, has told you this untruth, which is actually part of their coercive control technique or power play.

In reality, you are an individual who is as deserving of love as anyone else.

The fact that you have been brainwashed into believing that you are unworthy of love is something which needs to be seen for what it is and turned on its ugly head.

Such negative programming is often so deeply engrained that it’s not easily reversed. However, talking therapies, either with trusted friends or a professional, can help to reveal where this erroneous self-belief came from.

When the cloud you’ve lived under for the longest time is lifted, you’ll be able to embrace a future where you are ready to love and be loved.

Another reason you may feel you are a bad person is down to your history in previous relationships. Perhaps you behaved very badly, let someone down, or hurt them deeply.

That does not mean that you can’t mend your ways and find true love, but you’ll have to forgive yourself first, as well as committing yourself not to make the same mistakes all over again.

It may have been a particular set of life circumstances, or a perfect storm of ill-matched personalities, which triggered the hurtful actions which you now regret.

It is by making mistakes that we learn, grow, and develop as humans, so you are most likely a better, more rounded person with the benefit of your past experiences.

Cut yourself some slack and don’t write yourself off as a bad person who is unworthy of love. It’s just not true!

3. I don’t deserve love because I come with too much baggage – FALSE

The truth here is that everyone has baggage, be it physical or emotional.

Shedding an emotional burden is hard to do. But, if you’re still consumed with negative emotion, the leftovers of a damaging former relationship – be it anger or longing or regret – then you do need to get beyond that before you’re relationship-ready.

So, the fact that you’re burdened with these emotions doesn’t mean that you don’t deserve to love again, just that you’re not ready for it yet.

Healing from a significant heartbreak is a normal process and can be a lengthy one if the former love was deep. Give yourself that healing time.

Talk about your emotional burdens with close friends or family. If that avenue proves unhelpful, then consider spending time with a professional counselor to help you move on.

This, together with the other great healer – time – will allow you to open your heart to someone who will love you and your baggage unconditionally.

But what if your baggage is more physical than emotional?

Maybe you are saddled with debts or financial problems from your past, due to bad luck or poor decisions.

Maybe you have a child or children and a troubled relationship with your former partner which has turned co-parenting into a minefield.

Maybe you are living with and caring for an elderly relative.

Sure, these are all burdensome problems, but they don’t make you undeserving of love.

Let’s face it, there are very few mature adults out there without one similar burden or another.

You are in the driver’s seat here, responsible for your own destiny. Allowing yourself to believe that your current circumstances preclude love is likely to be self-fulfilling.

Seek out some support groups for people in similar predicaments and you will see that your burdens are far from unique.

Be sure to be outward-looking and keep the door open. You never know when a special someone will step through it, baggage and all.

4. I don’t deserve love because I’m too broken – FALSE

Perhaps you feel you have too many scars and too much past hurt to be loved.

Maybe you worry that these negative and damaging past experiences make you unworthy of having a healthy relationship and make you unlovable.

Wrong.

No one is so broken that they don’t deserve to be loved.

No matter what the nagging inner voices say, you are good enough. But the fact remains their toxic whisperings can be pretty convincing.

It’s easy to be so taken in by them that you find yourself self-sabotaging your relationships, so those voices are controlling your fate.

That is if you let them


Although you may never succeed in quietening them completely, you can learn to reduce the volume and replace them instead with positive thoughts that you are absolutely good enough.

You may believe right now that your emotional battle scars make you unlovable, but think on this anonymous quote: “A scar simply means you were stronger than whatever tried to hurt you.”

Therefore, although you may see yourself as weakened by your past hurtful experiences of love, the truth is that your scars show your strength, not your weakness. You are a survivor.

Maybe there are circumstances and events from your past that you’re not proud of and maybe some of them were self-inflicted; you just couldn’t help yourself at the time.

But don’t get hung up on the belief that these mistakes make you a broken person. In fact, they make you a fully paid-up member of the massively flawed human race, scars and all.

Don’t lose sight of this fact: any person who is worthy of your love will embrace the messy parts as well as the good parts. Chances are they will be joining the party with a fair few scars of their own.

5. I don’t deserve love because I’m weird – FALSE

Here’s the thing, oftentimes people who think of themselves, and/or describe themselves, as ‘weird’ are actually very smart individuals.

They’re deep thinkers, who are more mentally mature than the average in their age bracket. In short, they’re gifted people, although they struggle to realize this fact.

Instead, they go down the unhelpful rabbit hole of comparing themselves unfavorably to others who they see as fitting the ‘norm.’ They ask themselves why they don’t fit in and what’s wrong with them.

The idea of being loved for who they are by someone who will embrace their very difference and love them for it can seem unattainable.

Does this sound like you?

The fact is you are not weird – you are actually truly special, with a capacity for deep truly wondrous thoughts.

It’s just your perception that no one will ever ‘get’ you in all your uniqueness that sets you apart and makes finding love seem a remote possibility.

You are who you are and you can’t change that, but you can, perhaps, change the way you interact with others, the way you express yourself.

How about channeling some of that fearsome intelligence into figuring out how to do that?

Joining groups of people who share your passions, be that keeping reptiles, bungee jumping, or collecting bottle caps is a great place to start.

Once you have successfully reset where you see yourself alongside all those so-called ‘normal’ people, you’ll need to watch out because you’ll have people falling at your feet, wanting to love and be loved by the exceptional being that you are.

They are three seemingly simplistic words: “I deserve love.” Yet there are people who can’t bring themselves to believe those words, let alone say them, and this in itself speaks volumes about their character.

Those who believe they are unworthy of love are not being modest, stoic, or poetic; they are denying themselves a fundamental need that all humans crave. Moreover, according to research from PsychTests the belief that one is undeserving of love can have a significantly negative impact on a person’s well-being.

Analyzing data from 6,712 people who took their Self-Esteem Test, PsychTests’ researchers examined two distinct groups: Those who believe that they deserve love and those who don’t. The differences between the groups were staggering:

68% of people who believe they are unworthy of love also admit they don’t like themselves (compared to

6% of people who believe they deserve love).

62% also think they are boring and uninteresting (compared to 14% of people who believe they deserve love).

70% feel they are not good enough for anyone (compared to 16% of people who believe they deserve love).

46% will change their personality, opinions, or appearance in order to be accepted by others (compared to 16% of people who believe they deserve love).

42% have an intense desire to be liked by everyone (compared to

28% of people who believe they deserve love).

60% have a strong need for approval (compared to 20% of people who believe they deserve love).

54% give more weight to other people’s opinion of them than their own personal opinion (compared to
10% of people who believe they deserve love).

57% also believe only attractive and/or successful people deserve respect (compared to 22% of people who believe they deserve love).

Along the same vein, 62% of people who believe they don’t deserve love prefer to associate exclusively with people who are successful and/or popular (compared to 24% of people who believe they deserve love).

66% characterize themselves as a “failure” (compared to 9% of people who believe they deserve love).
66% believe they are “worthless and useless” (compared to 10% of people who believe they deserve love).

64% believe they will never achieve anything significant or become anyone important (compared to 8% of people who believe they deserve love).

48% are devastated when someone criticizes them (compared to 12% of people who believe they deserve love).

48% are extreme perfectionists (compared to 13% of people who believe they deserve love).

60% have a strong fear of rejection (compared to 24% of people who believe they deserve love).

37% will not admit when they have made a mistake (compared to 9% of people who believe they deserve love).

54% avoid conflict for fear of upsetting others (compared to 28% of people who believe they deserve love).

51% frequently seek reassurance from others before making decisions (compared to 38% of people who believe they deserve love).

32% constantly ask for validation from their loved ones (compared to
19% of people who believe they deserve love).

“When you watch how babies interact, it’s not hard to see that they have an inherent sense of their own value,” explains Dr. Jerabek, president of PsychTests. “When they cry, there is no doubt in their minds that they will be comforted. When they are happy, they expect nothing less than for others to share in their bliss. In essence, we are born with an inherent understanding that we deserve love. Unfortunately, this assumption gets eroded in some of us.

If we don’t receive the unconditional love and support we need from our parents as we grow, we begin to believe that love is conditional, depending on things like good grades, good performance in sports, unquestionable obedience, etc.

We come to believe, especially during our teenage years, that to be loved and accepted, we have to look and behave a certain way.
So we move through life believing that love doesn’t come easily, that we must fulfill certain conditions in order to be worthy of it, and the more conditions there are - many of which we place on our ourselves - the less and less we feel we deserve love.”

“Believing that we deserve love begins with one crucial factor: A healthy degree of self-love and a strong sense of self-worth. Without these, finding someone to truly love us, just the way we are, will be impossible. Once you start to treat yourself with love and respect, others will follow suit.

You won’t abide by mistreatment; you won’t want to be around people who set conditions on their love, who want you to change to fit their expectations. You will set healthy, reasonable boundaries.

You will be filled with such an abundance of self-love that love from others will simply be an added bonus.”

Do I deserve to be happy?
It’s a common view that you have to earn your happy ever after. The fact of the matter is that you have already earned it, just by being human.

Nearly everyone will agree that everybody deserves to be healthy. In fact, healthy is the default state for human beings. We don’t talk about achieving or earning good health. The feelings of happiness, satisfaction and well-being are all a part of mental health and should be the norm.

However, we’ve got things a bit backward. Being stressed and unhappy seems to be the norm; happiness is a reward for hard work. Here’s how it should be:

“Happiness is its own reward.”

Research has shown that happy people are healthier and more productive, achieving more. Achievement in a field that is important to you promotes feelings of fulfillment and satisfaction, thus creating more happiness. It’s a positive feedback loop.

If you don’t believe that you deserve happiness, then think of it this way: a happier you can be more helpful to others and give back more to the community. You deserve to be happy because your happiness will help others.

The things that get in the way of happiness
There are numerous obstacles on the way to happiness. Some are situational, like financial or career-related factors. The old adage about money not buying happiness is only true if you already have enough of it; for others, financial security is an important contributor to happiness.

Other obstacles are emotional. Guilt, self-criticism or feeling undeserving are all common hurdles that are hard to overcome.

Firstly, we all have moments that we aren’t proud of. Maybe you hurt someone or told a lie, maybe you made a mistake or messed up a big project. By sticking on to these negative experiences and beating yourself up about them, you’re diminishing your ability to feel happiness.

Secondly, feeling guilty can be one of the biggest barriers to happiness and it can come in many forms. When my aunt passed away a few years ago, I was overcome by guilt because I hadn’t been very close to her while she was alive. This guilt lengthened my grieving process because I was so focused on the missed opportunities to build a closer relationship with her.

At the same time, my mother was dealing with survivors’ guilt: my uncle had passed a couple of years before my aunt, and my mom, the eldest of her siblings, was the last one alive. As we grieved together, it quickly became clear that neither of us would be moving on until we had addressed the guilt rather than the grief. My mother went to a counselor and I went to my aunt’s grave to tell her everything I wanted her to know. Only then did we start to move on.

Thirdly, some people may also feel guilty because if others aren’t happy, they have no right to be, either. This feeling is sometimes brought on by the well-meaning exclamation of “Some people have it worse than you!”. In general, comparing yourself to others is a perfect recipe for lower self-esteem and diminished happiness.

How to overcome these obstacles
If you feel that you don’t deserve happiness, here are some ways to combat the guilt and other obstacles on your way to become a happier, more fulfilled version of yourself.

1. Define happiness
Remember how happiness is deeply personal? In order to pursue it, you have to define what happiness means to you. Your personal definition of happiness can also help you understand why you feel undeserving of it.

For example, if happiness is all about relationships to you, you may find that you are stuck on the mistakes you may have made in previous relationships. Understanding this can help you make peace with them and move on.

2. Find closure
If you feel guilty about something you did – or didn’t do – seek to make amends. Apologize or say the words you’ve always wanted to say, either in person or in a letter. You won’t even have to send the letter, just getting the words out of your head and onto the paper can help.

I was seeking closure by going to my aunt’s grave after her passing, and it helped me to let go and move on.

3. Exchange the self-criticism for acceptance
No one is perfect. By expecting perfection of yourself, you’re limiting your chances to be happy. Instead of beating yourself down for every mistake or perceived flaw, accept them as a part of yourself.

You may think that you’ll never be happy because you’re not beautiful or smart enough. When you start your journey towards happiness, you may think that you can be happy despite not being beautiful or smart enough.

What you need to realize is that you can be happy because you are you and you are human. Your appearance and intelligence have nothing to do with this.

4. Accept your decisions and actions
We’ve all made some bad decisions, but we only call them bad because we have the gift of hindsight. Knowing what I know now, I would have never dyed my hair black in 8th grade, but at the time, it felt like the best idea.

When people make decisions, they always pick what is the best option at the time. I have never met anyone who knowingly picked the worst option based on the information they had.

You are no exception. Accept that you acted on your best knowledge at the time, even if it turned out to be a mistake (it took me a year to grow out the uneven black dye). Let go of your regrets and move on.

Closing words
Happiness is its own reward and every human being deserves to feel fulfilled and satisfied.

For some, feelings of guilt and unworthiness may get in the way of happiness, and they can be very difficult to overcome. However, by examining your own ideas of happiness and the feelings that are holding you back, you can overcome these obstacles and create a happier life for yourself, because you deserve it.

“Uncertainty is the only certainty there is, and knowing how to live with insecurity is the only security.” ~John Allen Paulos


 
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This is a really long post, but yes, I agree care start's with the self - if you can prove this people will see said ability and realize they too can be cared by you if you have already that abundance of it for you're self.

the thing is, I think people confuse caring for you're self with giving into temptations of things you want rather than do what's right in principal and by extension good for you and by contrast a very real 'need'.

We don't like being told what to do, so it's the process of life for us all to go our own stubborn way till we discover the truth for our selves. I think that makes the realization of things people had told you more rewarding and puts them in the proper context later rather than living in regret like "why didn't I listen to them when they told me!" it's cause you couldn't help it.
 

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I have a lot of single by choice friends. Some of them really do have a lack of interest in relationships while others are more of a (varies by the day) complicated situation. I think relationships require a unique emotional intelligence and maturity that might be hard for some individuals to gain without direct experience. I think the older you get without that experience the tougher it is to date other adults your age. I think the decision to be single for a very long time is not a decision to be taken lightly. I respect the decision to stay single if the person has given it a lot of thought and it makes sense to them.
 

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This is a really long post, but yes, I agree care start's with the self - if you can prove this people will see said ability and realize they too can be cared by you if you have already that abundance of it for you're self.

the thing is, I think people confuse caring for you're self with giving into temptations of things you want rather than do what's right in principal and by extension good for you and by contrast a very real 'need'.

We don't like being told what to do, so it's the process of life for us all to go our own stubborn way till we discover the truth for our selves. I think that makes the realization of things people had told you more rewarding and puts them in the proper context later rather than living in regret like "why didn't I listen to them when they told me!" it's cause you couldn't help it.
I literally internally shutdown when I need to meet new people or go on a date in a none business setting. I think I'll die single
 

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idea: self compassion = loser
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It makes no difference if you call yourself a loser because, at the end of the day, you have to be there for yourself and take care of yourself no matter what. You're supposed to be kind to yourself, and you're not supposed to berate yourself just because someone told you you're a jerk. It is your responsibility to be present for yourself. And regardless of whether you win or lose, you are expected to be there for yourself, to be gentle and not to be harsh with yourself.

These are not just “nice” ideas. There is an ever-increasing body of research that attests to the motivational power of self-compassion. It is important to understand that while it was never your fault that you have these genes or that genes or that your ugly or unattractive.

Self-compassionate people set high standards for themselves, but they aren’t as upset when they don’t meet their goals. Instead, research shows that they’re more likely to set new goals for themselves after failure rather than wallowing in feelings of frustration and disappointment.

Self-compassionate people have more intrinsic motivation in life — trying hard because they want to learn and grow, not because they need to impress themselves or others.
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I have a lot of single by choice friends. Some of them really do have a lack of interest in relationships while others are more of a (varies by the day) complicated situation. I think relationships require a unique emotional intelligence and maturity that might be hard for some individuals to gain without direct experience. I think the older you get without that experience the tougher it is to date other adults your age. I think the decision to be single for a very long time is not a decision to be taken lightly. I respect the decision to stay single if the person has given it a lot of thought and it makes sense to them.
Personally I'm still working out what was or wasn't a choice in my life, being single is just one of them.
 
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Perhaps I should have wrote 'losing', which is in essence a form of surrender. Life is not about winning or losing, not for me, and hopefully not for many others, although I recognize the naiveté of this idealism. Everybody is correct at some point, to some extent - not this thread, board, social media, campfire conversations or a hour with a therapist. - but in the personal way that is speaking accurately to their experiences. What enables contentment for one person may cause stress or fatigue to another. But if we just surrender, perhaps a person will stop worrying about something. This "idea" isn't a bad idea, it just needs to be massaged into what it should ultimately become for every person: acceptance. What compassion lacks, acceptance possesses.

Any reader here could take issue with me, "it's the same thing!" IMO surrender is acquiesce, mire, loss, being without power, personal or otherwise. It's acceptance that allows people to reconcile that while the world isn't fair, there is no currency or tender for contentment, whether naturally occurring, learned or earned. Ironic also, content people often appear attractive to others. There's no ambiguous free lunch with acceptance either. If you accept yourself and are happy, you'll be more inclined to accept others. If you can't, then there is only your hypocrisy to work on. But I jest now. :)
 

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Perhaps I should have wrote 'losing', which is in essence a form of surrender. Life is not about winning or losing, not for me, and hopefully not for many others, although I recognize the naiveté of this idealism. Everybody is correct at some point, to some extent - not this thread, board, social media, campfire conversations or a hour with a therapist. - but in the personal way that is speaking accurately to their experiences. What enables contentment for one person may cause stress or fatigue to another. But if we just surrender, perhaps a person will stop worrying about something. This "idea" isn't a bad idea, it just needs to be massaged into what it should ultimately become for every person: acceptance. What compassion lacks, acceptance possesses.

Any reader here could take issue with me, "it's the same thing!" IMO surrender is acquiesce, mire, loss, being without power, personal or otherwise. It's acceptance that allows people to reconcile that while the world isn't fair, there is no currency or tender for contentment, whether naturally occurring, learned or earned. Ironic also, content people often appear attractive to others. There's no ambiguous free lunch with acceptance either. If you accept yourself and are happy, you'll be more inclined to accept others. If you can't, then there is only your hypocrisy to work on. But I jest now. :)
I think you have it right.

It's the difference between the fact most people, if they allow themselves to be honest, do know what is wrong with them and their lives vs actually doing something about it. I've met a lot of people, including myself, who will happily acknowledge an issue within themselves, even one pointed out by another, but they aren't actually willing to go the extra step to do something about it; they just want to wallow.

I've certainly done it. For example, right now I have some issues with work (as do most of us I think) and while I may actually be correct in my assessment of some of those problems, I may even genuinely be a victim of unfair circumstances and working conditions, but I also recognise (in reverie) that I am not really helping to make it better. I'm getting stressed and shouting at the universe to solve my problems for me, when in reality there are things I could do and there are choices I could make, I was just very reluctant to make them.

And I've always struggled to maintain a relationship with the reality that a lot of people really don't want or need to hear your problems; a lot of them have too many of their own so it's hard to be forced to care about another's.

And sometimes the only choice is finding the best way to walk away and do something different, which is never easy, but nearly always necessary.
 

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I'm trying to be okay with either. If the right woman came along, I'd be on board. If she doesn't, I'm okay with that too.
 

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Regardless of my relationship status, I'll be happy no matter what life throws at me. Suck on that universe!
 
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