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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
This is in response to the common expression "You're too complicated"

This is in response to the INFJ description deeming us as "Complex".

This is for ALL THOSE MOMENTS you have felt SO Misunderstood.

This is for everyone who wants to understand an INFJ.



 

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1. I am super silly and would love to talk more, but irl I'm very shy for a long time (till I get comfortable).
I'm not cold and aloof.

2. I am not stupid. I may communicate with feely language but I like things pretty. I like that shit.
But I assure you, I am a logical being.

3. People frustrate me when they do that deer in headlights thing because I can logically communicate touchy feely subjects in a matter of factually manner and they are all freaked out and don't understand their emotions or whatever ... I wish people would trust me more.

4. I get uncomfortable a lot for stupid things, sometimes my brain confuses uncomfortable feeling with the feeling of danger. This is what anxiety is. I am not a mental case. I'm human.

5. I'm very forgiving. VERY forgiving. But it is Super HARD for me to forgive unless someone vocally recognizes it. I do not want to be a "nag" and be a horrible person bringing up mistakes. Just that, I feel minimized if people think I can read their emotions of regret etc, and assume that should be enough.
(maybe this is a fault of mine, idk ...)

6. Whenever I go a super long time of slacking trying to get in tough with you or you me, I get nervous. Which makes it even more difficult to reach out. I have rarely been friends with an introvert. Most likely for this reason.

7. I catch "vibes" like insanely well! But this does NOT mean I am a mind reader. Please communicate.
If not, my intuition just fucks with me.

8. I have a really hard time seeing my own "blind spots". What makes matters worse is that I am very stubborn. (this is the same place that my determination and passion comes from). Please be patient. I sometimes just need space even if I don't like it.

9. I am not a teachers pet or a favorite at work to be a bitch or a jerk. I really like working and putting my mind to work and coming up with new and creative ideas and solutions. When people see me as something malicious it gets me very depressed.

10. I don't mean to give the stink eye (or otherwise known as the evil eye or death glare). It usually is nothing more than I am in a social situation and scanning the room because ...
well ... IDK ... I just do that. *shrugs* :tongue:
 

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This is in response to the common expression "Your too complicated"
that you might have heard at one point or another,

This is in response to the INFJ description deeming us as "Complex".

This is for ALL THOSE MOMENTS you have felt SO Misunderstood.

This is for everyone who wants to understand an INFJ.

Not sure about you but every time in my life I have been told "your too complicated" I've just wanted to cry, because I don't think I am(to me at least) ... and like most people, I long to feel understood.

I want this to boil down to one thing rather than 10 for me... I'll pass on the 9. Pardon me for being such a spoiler.

When I'm angry, just leave me alone... Why? A lot of people still don't get that... even those I consider close. Let me cool off first. It would really help.
 

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3 main points I'd like you to know about me

I know my Creator
Genesis 1:26 Then God said, "Let us make man in our image, in our likeness, and let them rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth, and over all the creatures that move along the ground."
Genesis 16:13 She gave this name to the LORD who spoke to her: "You are the God who sees me," for she said, "I have now seen the One who sees me."
Job 42:5 My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you.

I was created
Psalm 139:13 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.
Psalm 139:14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
Psalm 139:15 My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
Psalm 139:16 your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
Psalm 8:5 You made him a little lower than the heavenly beings and crowned him with glory and honor.Genesis 1:26 Then God said, "Let us make man in our image, in our likeness, and let them rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth, and over all the creatures that move along the ground."

There is a basic instruction book for you,
to know me better, and understand my simple complexity, and also yours.
Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth
John 1:1 In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.
Jeremiah 30:2 "This is what the LORD, the God of Israel, says: 'Write in a book all the words I have spoken to you.
 

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1. We care deeply about people. We can't not feel what others in our direct vicinity are feeling; it's a reflex as natural as when your leg kicks out when the doctor strikes your knee with a reflex hammer. It is instinctive to respond to relieve negative emotion. When physically adjacent to others, or emotionally knit with them out of concern or out of real friendship, it is impossible to shut off feeling what they are feeling ~ the vibes infiltrate us and we experience the feelings in a way almost as if they were our own. When someone feels emotional pain, we feel struck with emotional pain. When someone feels angry, we feel it in the air. When someone feels critical, we sense the judgmental spirit. When someone lies, we sense the tension buildup and vibes associated with that. When someone is holding a grudge against us, we can feel it even if they deny it or pretend friendly feelings towards us.

Relational tension makes our muscles tight. Conflict settings are thick with negative emotions - and we feel every one of them and end up emotionally exhausted afterwards, which wears us down physically to the point of severe stress and fatigue. This makes us averse to conflict. There is nothing in us that is incapable of being direct or aggressive or that is afraid of conflict (although core 9s may be averse due to comfort). Fe holds us back most of the time from venting what we'd like to say or acting in line with our own negative emotions, because Ni predicts and is fully aware of how these things could affect others emotionally. We just have to limit engagement in conflict for physical reasons, and tend only to engage where we deem it really necessary or potentially profitable (in the long term or short term) in terms of getting a solution or forging peace, because it's inevitable that we will physically suffer for engaging in it afterwards, and our social life will suffer as well. So we don't feel very happy about people who try to pull us into unnecessary conflict or introduce disharmony by constantly starting fights.

We can sense another's emotion sometimes before the other person even realizes what they are feeling, and it is a physical AND emotional sensation. We can't just "not let it get to us," there is no on/off switch for an involuntary function.

You have no idea how emotions affect us, or how ambient emotions wear us out. So we are going to disappear off the planet sometimes just to try to get away from ambient feelings and be able to recover physical energy again. That means we may take a while replying to your messages when in that state, we may not return your calls or texts, we may turn down invitations to socialize together (which means sometimes they can pile up and we can get very behind for long periods of time even after we are back to socializing). That doesn't mean anything in our attitude has changed towards you or that we are not still friends just like before.

When you assume that something is wrong in the relationship because we temporarily disappeared, or aren't constantly available to communicate/socialize, or didn't reply in a timely manner, it only makes us more exhausted and makes it physically tiring for us to be your friend. We aren't going to be available to socialize all the time because we physically don't have the resources to do so, because our bodies wear out so fast from the experience of ambient emotion...not because we have any lack of love towards you.

2. Most of what we do that people don't understand - or criticize - is motivated by protectiveness towards those we care about, or an attempt to restore positive emotion where someone is experiencing emotional pain (sometimes it takes confrontation to stop someone from hurting someone else).

It costs us to be this way and sometimes it feels like a nightmare but we can't stand to watch people alone and hurting. Remember, as long as their pain exists, we feel it, and there is an instinctive reaction to do something to take it away.

3. Whatever you think I am, I can probably be the opposite of it, given the right set of circumstances. And this doesn't mean I have changed - I have always been that way - different circumstances bring out different, actually contradictory, sides of me. The best word for an INFJ is "oxymoron," our personalities have many facets, many of which seem incongruous with one another.

4. If you think you understand us, there's a 99% chance you don't. If you think you don't understand us, there's a 1% chance you're wrong. Please don't misinterpret that as a snarky comment, I'm just trying to say what the typical experience of an INFJ is - and those are percentages taken from my life experience. Most people in my life think they know some things about me. Approximately 1% of them tend to get it right, or see me as I actually am, or ascribe what are actually my real motives to the choices I make.

The rest get it wrong, but they also tend to feel very sure about it even though it's wrong - until by being myself I end up confusing them. And we never "change to throw people off the track" who have figured us out; if you think we're doing that, it's just because you never had us accurately figured out in the first place. We want to be understood so we try to portray ourselves accurately.

So assume at your own risk. xD

5. You are violating sacred territory if you encroach on our privacy. Please don't ask us personal questions or push us to reveal more than we are ready. Let us volunteer the information if/when we want you to know it.

It's okay to say 'what's wrong?' to express concern (at least I don't mind that, some people may). But don't probe about private things in our personal lives or for deep explanations of our personal thoughts or drives or vulnerabilities. Stay with neutral topics, talk about yourself, talk about the emotional effects of things on people. and until we know you very well, when you ask about us, don't make it deeply personal (stay with stuff like, how are you? or how is that [insert situation or problem we're experiencing that we told you about] going...or how are you feeling about it? (i'm concerned about you - and be emotionally supportive) or books we're reading or our hobbies or our job, etc.). If we confide anything to you, keep it between us alone or we might never share any information with you again.

@Ningsta Kitty, we understand you by the experience of being INFJs ourselves. we know what it is like to be completely misunderstood. we know how it feels to hurt and feel very alone. we don't want you to go through all that. we are here for you and you can vent to us, and we will do whatever we can to let you know you are understood and loved. :)
 

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1. Just because I talk a lot doesn't mean I'm an extrovert. It all depends on what type of environment I'm in, the state of my mind (i.e. alcohol in my system xP), and what you're worth to me. Also, I rarely talk during the day...so if I have a good conversation going on I take advantage of that opportunity.

2. I am not a "lie detector" until I know you well enough. Sometimes I can call others out on it when there is a lot of solid proof to prove someone is lying, like if I were to recall you saying something in the past but you repeat it again a few days/weeks/months later and you changed up the wording to give it a new meaning. I will remember. But overall if you were considered close to me I can see right through all the lies :p

3. Just because I can read into vibes doesn't mean I follow it. I try my hardest to ignore it unless it's really strong.

4. I don't really talk about what's on my mind. If you ask me I'll simplify it or I'll lie and say nothing. I mostly do it because I'm really bad at communicating things verbally.

5. I talk better inside my head, I have a hard time organizing my thoughts out loud. When I write them out it's a little easier, but sometimes my mind goes further in depth when I try to categorize it and then I add a lot of unnecessary detail. :) It drives me insane, because I'm almost positive I come off as a moron. >.<

6. Please don't hide anything from me. Because I tend to over think every possible outcome that led you to do or say what you did and if I over look one small thing I can accidentally judge you too harsh and throw you onto my "door slam" list, I'd rather hear the truth than assume and make things worse in my head. I want to see what exactly led you to do what you've done/said..And I don't like having to push people out of my life! SO STOP IT!!

7. If you talk to me a lot and I randomly stop talking for no reason it's not just because I'm recharging, I do enough of that, you just don't hear about it because I do it almost every day...xD It's because I'm avoiding you. Ask me and I will tell you.

8. I'm very forgiving...it sickens me. I have a weird method about it as well. Screw me over twice...FU third time I usually snap and throw you out of my life but I always leave them hanging by "if you ever TRULY need me for an emergency or something related to that I'll still be here for you."

9. I never initiate conversations. I have this idea in my head that whenever someone wants to talk to me I'll be all ears, but whenever I try to do it the other person is busy or I'm inconvenience to them. (It's happened enough for me to believe it.) So if you ever want to talk to me just start up the conversation. It's really not hard to talk to me either...I'M JUST SHY!! haha :)

10. I'm a walking contradiction. I'm constantly finding new ways to look at ideas/perspectives so it makes me change my mind a lot.
 

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1. I think a lot, and I have a lot of emotions. I don't express these things, first to protect you from their intensity, and second because I would still be talking into next year if I did.

2. I'm bad at initiating. If I don't pursue you it's not because I don't like you (though, if I do pursue you, you can pretty darn sure I do).

3. I hide my pain and anger. If you're seeing these things out of me, it's very bad news.

4. I try to be patient, kind, and forgiving, but these things are no indicator of defenselessness. Don't test me, for I can slam people pretty hard when they cross me.

5. I think in pictures and auras. I can't verbalize my thoughts very well unless given a heads up that I'm going to need to.

6. I've learned to "talk big" because of my work, but I'm incredibly sensitive on the inside. Don't be fooled by the rough and tumble appearance, because in most ways, it's just a mask.

7. I see the dark parts of you that you hide. Don't worry, unless you are aggressively hurting people, I love you just the same, and would help you with them if you ask.

8. I make most decisions and choose most friendships mindfully. If I appear hasty, it's probably because it's an issue I gave forethought to before it was an issue.
 

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Discussion Starter #10
@emerald sea thank you, thank you, and thank you! (your post described Fe perfectly).

@theorycraft :)
I expect a complete dissertation; puzzle solved within the next 2 months.
TWO MONTHS I SAY! -_- 2 months ...
 

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1. We care deeply about people. We can't not feel what others in our direct vicinity are feeling; it's a reflex as natural as when your leg kicks out when the doctor strikes your knee with a reflex hammer. It is instinctive to respond to relieve negative emotion. When physically adjacent to others, or emotionally knit with them out of concern or out of real friendship, it is impossible to shut off feeling what they are feeling ~ the vibes infiltrate us and we experience the feelings in a way almost as if they were our own. When someone feels emotional pain, we feel struck with emotional pain. When someone feels angry, we feel it in the air. When someone feels critical, we sense the judgmental spirit. When someone lies, we sense the tension buildup and vibes associated with that. When someone is holding a grudge against us, we can feel it even if they deny it or pretend friendly feelings towards us.

[snip].

We can sense another's emotion sometimes before the other person even realizes what they are feeling, and it is a physical AND emotional sensation. We can't just "not let it get to us," there is no on/off switch for an involuntary function.
@emerald sea and anyone else who relates to this awesome description - my recent experience is that there are things we can do to set limits on what emotion we receive from others. Stepping away is for sure a strategy, but I've found that for me there are also other options.
 

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1. If I am talking to someone else in a lively, charismatic and amiable manner and you are confused because around you I am quiet, aloof and cold it is probably because I get along better with them or I don’t like you. It does not mean I am fake or fickle. If you give me time to get to know you maybe I will be livelier around you, but don’t expect it.

2. I hate small talk, mingling and useless chatter. It is not you, it’s me. Don’t take it personally please.

3. If you see me shut down during an argument/fight and go quiet don’t keep yelling, asking me if I am ok, or trying to figure out what I am feeling. I don’t know what I am feeling, thus, why I am in my head thinking about it and trying to find a conclusion. You pestering me is going to make me snap at you.

4. Improve your argument instead of raising your voice in a discussion. I will respect you more and listen instead of feeling overwhelmed with the fact you are yelling and lack courtesy.

5. Don’t underestimate me just because I seem quiet and nice. I see everything, hear everything and am keeping a list in my head of all things concerning you. You know that one day you stole that thing from the store? I saw. That one day you gave that little kid a cookie and I thought it was sweet? I saw. That one time you were gossiping behind your best friend’s back to find ways to make her jealous? I heard. That one time you said you would help out and never returned my phone calls? I remember. That one time you held my hair when I threw up? I saw. So when you come up and act all nice to me, remember I am not as clueless as I might appear. I see the bad and good, and decide accordingly.

These are true for me. I do not know about all INFJ's.

Awesome thread by the way. :happy:
 

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@emerald sea and anyone else who relates to this awesome description - my recent experience is that there are things we can do to set limits on what emotion we receive from others. Stepping away is for sure a strategy, but I've found that for me there are also other options.
Oh I'd love to hear what those are! :)) And agreed! I think emerald sea reeeeally should consider writing an article! I was checking some out the other day and hadn't found one w/ her name as author ...
/maybe one day >.<

and thank you so much @Toristar ! :kitteh:

*sorry for the typos, I just noticed a bunch, I'll try to get to that before they turn to stone :p*
 

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Oh, I fear this list will echo what others have said, but here is what I, as an INFJ, want you to know:

1. Just because I vanish for a while, or don't reach out, doesn't mean I don't care. I care so deeply for people, but I get so drained, and sometimes making that phone call or responding to that text is just an enormous effort.

2. Honesty and authenticity is my currency. You are not responsible for managing my emotions. I'm pretty strong, and I can deal with almost anything as long as it's true and real. (Which is why I find myself in weird scenarios all the time; I'm sort of radically accepting as long as people are straight up real.) That means I can deal with you, your emotions, your baggage, and your truth, even if you know you might disappoint me, as long as you are true and real. I'm a big girl and I understand you better than you know - but if you choose not to communicate, or leave me to ponder your silence, I'm going to (a) go crazy; (b) start filling in gaps in weird ways; and (c) probably lose a lot of respect for you in the long run. Just don't pull a disappearing act on an INFJ who cares about you who you're dating or friends with, even casually. It's disrespectful, fucking immature, and with our "J" preferences for closure and understanding - will drive us completely crazy. Even if the reason to end things is as harsh as: "I think you're unattractive and annoying" that is probably much less damaging to an INFJ than not hearing anything at all. We seek to understand people in all of their wacky, contradictory complexity - give us something to work with (even if it's just our conclusion that you're an idiot or you have a lot of work to do on yourself), and we'll confidently move on.

2b. 2 can be straight-up INFJ hypocrisy and contradiction, because sometimes we can be very avoidant, and we pull disappearing acts all the time. However, as I've matured, I've gotten much better at communicating with people about my disappearing acts, and the reasons for them.

3. Related to the above - the way into my heart is authenticity and integrity. Being smart and kind and intelligent and funny also doesn't hurt. That means, being passive aggressive, playing games, having "game", or trying to be someone you're not to impress me is not going to get you any mileage. At best, I won't trust you, ever, because I know you're not comfortable enough with yourself to be real. When your emotional truth doesn't resonate, I'm going to get very suspicious about everything you're doing, and your motives. At worst, I'll just think you're a moron.

4. Also related to the above - never underestimate the paranoia of an unhealthy INFJ... especially if she's been hurt enough. It has happened in the past that I've (mistakenly) assumed the worst of people, which assumptions have actually caused great emotional injury to them. Even a moderately unhealthy INFJ can push people away like nobody's business. If you really care for your INFJ, try to communicate with us as directly and authentically as you can when we tend toward these little misunderstandings - that's the only way I trust.

4b. I am extremely suspicious and paranoid of anyone who comes in overnight with overwrought declarations of love and affection, or expensive gifts. Maybe it's my sort of unhealthy family life, maybe I don't trust anyone who proclaims to love me who I know does not even know me, or really see me - but I will assume you are somehow trying to manipulate me, and I will wonder what it is you want from me. I love simple, personal gifts and tokens of affection, and sincere expressions of love - when the time is right and I know that you know me.

5. I will judge you on how kind you are to others - don't think I don't notice. You may think you're charming me, but if you turn around and act unkindly to others, I see you! And I become very uncharmed at the slightest hint of smallness, shallowness, arrogance or unkindness.

6. Don't underestimate how much your INFJ notices. Subtleties, offhand remarks, even facial expressions. We see this all and file it carefully away for consideration or, if you're really bad, eventual artillery. Sorry!

7. An INFJ (maybe this is more Type 4) who feels guilty will emotionally self-flagellate forever. Speaking for this INFJ, I can be completely self-destructive and self-loathing when I know I've hurt someone or done them wrong. I'll beat myself up better than you ever could, for longer than you would ever know. If we genuinely seem contrite, please be kind to us. I have never forgiven myself for anything I've done that I am not proud of. Your forgiveness goes a long way, and is one of the most merciful acts you can do - help us forgive ourselves.

8. I'm sensitive, and in some cases may be over sensitive - try not to be too glib or sarcastic. I have a fantastic sense of humor, but often (Naively) take sarcasm to heart. I remember all the little comments that hurt, and I probably won't react or respond when I hear them, but as above - they get filed away and kept along with all of my other impressions of you.

9. We will attempt to fix all of your problems and we will be your rock, your support, your shoulder to cry on, because we do this so well for other people and we manage it well. We can be your guiding light in the darkness, and you never have to be alone in your darkness. But, I can't promise you that I won't resent it, especially if it feels like nothing is returned (and I don't ever give to get, but it just would be nice, sometimes...) We want to take care of the world, but when Fe gets drained, we may step back, very sadly, and think: "But who takes care of me?" Then we feel isolated, alienated, alone and depressed. We may push you out again (see step 4). An INFJ in love wants to be everything for her partner, but that same sentiment may overwhelm and exhaust her.

10. We will completely baffle you with our contradictions. Just be cool with it! Don't put us in a personality box. As @emerald sea said, we're a myriad of contradictions. Warmly social and deeply introverted; super goofy and deadly serious; supporting yet withholding... it's all been said before.

[Related to 10: I've been going through a rougher time lately, and today I got an email from a friend I doorslammed (rightfully so, I think), who said he wanted to be friends with the person I was before - and I kinda thought to myself... I haven't changed, but I'm occupying a darker headspace right now, one very familiar to me, though not to you, and this is just a facet of me you haven't seen before. I'm not cheerful all the time. This too shall pass, in fact I feel it lifting and I'll come back to lightness and grace. But this side of me is very much me - And, frankly, I don't need "friends" who don't want to be friends with all of me, because I already have people in my life who love and accept me for everything I am.]

- My 10 cents.
T.
 

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Oh I'd love to hear what those are! :))
For me, it's a matter of subtle consent. Other people have different strategies. There's all sorts of discussion and ideas/strategies in this thread.

In my case (trying to pare down what was for me a long-ish learning process as shown in that thread) - in my case, the key was seeing the subtle ways I give implicit consent to receive emotions, and getting very deliberate about clarifying, for myself, what I do and don't consent to receiving and why.

So for example, I began that linked thread because I was receiving all sorts of toxic stuff from someone close to me and I wanted it to stop. I ended up tracking back and finding the point at which I had, without knowing what I was doing, given blanket consent in that connection to receive anything and everything. That had turned out badly, so I asked myself what I truly was willing and not willing to receive. I revoked my blanket consent (in myself and also in conversation in that case) and named what I was actually willing to receive.

Since then, I've had to deal with a situation that began before I understood this consent thing, where I had - again without knowing what I was doing - given subtle consent to receive whatever came through a connection (this one work-related). I adjusted my consent in that case, but didn't do it narrowly enough (it's all a learning curve) and wow have I gotten knocked badly off-center this week from the fallout.

So for me, the key is that nothing can come into me without my consent, but I can give consent in some very subtle ways and not know at the time that's what I'm doing. I have no idea if this applies to anyone other than me. There are other ideas and strategies in that thread, and I'm sure elsewhere.

The problem with what I'm writing here is that it could be incorrectly used to blame us for how we get affected by this stuff. You know "well, you asked for it" etc. I want to be clear that this is NOT my perspective.

I think it's truly terrible that there is so much toxicity and deception out there, and I think it's crucial to stay clear that the root problem is NOT that we receive this stuff, but that it exists in the first place.
 

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@Ningsta Kitty ~ thank you for making me laugh with all your jokes in this thread :) - "turn to stone"? lol, i love it! xD

and you are very sweet to say that about an article - i'd like to write some if i had more time...maybe one day. but i'm not an expert like all these people who write articles around here, so it makes me feel unqualified. all i am is a lifelong personality typing junkie who just likes to read on the topic. xD

and, @Aquarian, thank you. :) i won't ask again since Ningsta Kitty already did...:)

---

oh, and i wanted to add to my initial post but will just type it here -

as far as privacy is concerned - if you're unsure because you want to ask us something that may or may not be too personal, it's okay if you just ask but give us a way out first. that is, say if it's too personal, we can feel free not to answer (and then follow that by acting like everything's ok and not pressuring us if we do choose not to answer). then we know you are respecting our privacy and not pushing us to give away information that we might not feel comfortable sharing.
 

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as far as privacy is concerned - if you're unsure because you want to ask us something that may or may not be too personal, it's okay if you just ask but give us a way out first. that is, say if it's too personal, we can feel free not to answer (and then follow that by acting like everything's ok and not pressuring us if we do choose not to answer). then we know you are respecting our privacy and not pushing us to give away information that we might not feel comfortable sharing.
Another FABULOUS point for people to know! :))

wishing this were stickied already >.<
 

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I love the list that everyone has, and I absolutely agree with the list OP made as well. Below is my share of the list... haha :p

1. Don't try and compliment me about how smart I am, or how healthy I am with what I eat - I can see through all that and know you don't mean a single word of what you said - it's just so we have something to talk about because you don't really 'understand' me, you know it, I know it - might as well don't try.

2. This sort of relates to (1.) but I didn't become smart in a day, nor was I born with it. I work hard, and sometimes I feel that is the only redeeming quality I have other than being 'nice'.

3. I'm quiet because I'm listening and observing you - deciding whether to trust what you say or not. Or I'm quiet because there's nothing worthy for me to contribute to the conversation so I don't. It's not because I'm angry, and no, I don't feel left out, and it's certainly not because I am 'antisocial' (I still cannot forgive that nosy mother of my classmate for saying that, argh).

4. I am nice, but I have my limits too. Cross that invisible or seemingly non-existent line and I burn all bridges between you and me. Period.

5. I can forgive people but it takes time, and unless you show some redeeming qualities I didn't see you had before I won't ever interact/talk/see you again. My good memory in that sense sort of hinders me from being too forgiving...

6. I love parties but I like them in small doses - if it happens every week I'd be a wreck.

7. Honesty is the best policy - in a relationship or friendship. If you want to tell me something - just say it, I know I come off as stoic but that doesn't mean I can't tell from your actions you're hiding something. I also tend to overanalyse a lot if I don't have a straightforward answer, and that can get draining and upsetting. If you want our friendship to end, or I've done something wrong and you don't know how to tell me - forget about all that and just TELL MEH - SAVE US ALL from unnecessary drama.

8. When I spend time with you, I want to talk about all sorts of things - the meaning of life, friendships, your future, my future - not bitching and gossiping and certainly not about the mundane and everyday - such as the TV shows I watched, what I did at work, etc. Life is a lot more than that.

9. Just because you shared the innermost personal information of your life to me doesn't mean I'll do the same. I appreciate it, of course, but to expect me to share a part of me as well is asking a lot - give me time to tell when I feel like it, otherwise I'll be more insecure and private than I already am.

10. I don't like taking sides because I can see both sides of what happened/be in that person's shoes - SO DON'T MAKE ME take one.
 

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I want you to know that when I share hugs it's a big deal to me that I just opened my arms to you and shared an embrace with you.

I want you to know that I have a sense of humor which relishes layers, subtext, word play, double meanings, connections, tangents, references, absurdity, morbid or dark humor, the superficial, the ironic, and so much more.


dot dot dot *giggles*

I want you to know that I don't speak for INFJs as a group; I can only speak for myself. When I try to speak for others I can make the mistake of misunderstanding them in the process, and I am sorry for that.

I want you to know that I'm not perfect, which is why I don't strive to be. I strive for clarity and progress. I'm okay with learning as I go, and I actually crave this. Personal growth is something that makes me truly happy; Perhaps it's wrong of me to want this to be the goal of other people, so when I overstep my bounds please share with me your thoughts on that.

I want you to know that I won't try to fix or solve your problems, because that's your responsibility- it's your life, but I want you to be aware of and keep in mind that what you do affects others, whether directly or indirectly, whether you want it to or not. That is the power you wield, so please don't abuse it. Mostly, I want to prevent future calamity and provide damage control after the fact, but I want to offer ideas to you for how you can sort through your thoughts and feelings.

I want you to know that communication requires us both to communicate, it's a 2-way street. You and I need to acknowledge each other, or else we're not communicating, we're just making noise. I will listen to you; Will you listen to me?

I want you to know that I don't expect you to agree with me, and I don't expect you to take any advice I offer, but I do want you to at least think about it. The human capacity for innovative thought is astounding to me, a marvel to me. That the thought process going through your head is actually considering something from a different perspective than before delights me. It's like going on an adventure in your mind. The chance for self-discovery is what I want to share with you, because it's something invaluable to me. If I can learn about you, in the process, it's all the more rewarding to me to have explored the possibilities together.

I want you to know that as much as I value communication, talk is cheap if it's accompanied by lack of action. If you're not interested in personal growth, yet repeatedly say you're not happy the way things are, I'll lose patience with you- and I am a VERY patient person. If you don't take any action, at all, I just might detach myself from you to prevent our relationship from becoming a waste basket for the care and attention I show to you when you've asked for it. I could have kept my mouth shut, but I chose to open a dialogue with you in the hopes that progress could be made. Progress is invaluable to me, so please don't take the efforts that I've made to be a part of your life for granted. At the same time, even when I'm detached, don't forget I'm here hoping that, when you need me, you know you can at least ask- so, take a chance on me.


I just want you to know: I love you. You might not like the ways that I love you. You might want me to love you differently from how you feel that I am loving you. If that's the case, please just tell me what you feel. Please, just tell me how I can love you the way you want to be loved. If I can't love you in the way that you want me to, I will keep trying until I get it right. Please, keep giving me chances and, for as long as you are treating me with the same compassion, I will return it to you.

I want you to know that if you decide to take, and take, and take some more from others and from me, though you seldom or never give -because, for some reason, you feel entitled to be gratuitously selfish- I'll serve you with a musical number of "So long, and thanks for all the fish." from The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy, I'll explain my grievances with you, and I'll proceed to effectively remove myself from your life until you come to your senses. I won't be putting myself in harm's way for you if it means I get exploited and /or hurt repeatedly. You don't deserve to be abused, nor do I. Even if you never understand, know that I will understand because that's what I consciously choose to make the effort to do.
 
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