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So I was cleaning out my room today and found two diaries-one from when I was 9(or ten it didn't say but it was 3rd grade), the other from when I was eleven (I am 14 now). They're only about 5 pages each because I really just do not stick to plans. Forgive the childish vocab, I was reading Junie B. at the time. I know you're all basically complete strangers but I wanted to share this because I believe it will be entertaining in a 'I know right' nostalgic kind of way (the infp's mostly, maybe other 5w4's but mostly infp's). So I read them, and now I know this: Clearly, my perspective on the world has not changed but evolved for better or for worse. Clearly, I stayed on topic in my writing like a squirrel on crack.
As a side note, the whole 'invisible friend' and 'theories of the universe' things probably freaked out a lot of the adults. Haha. I'm such a strange child. All parentheses were in the writing, not added. Here's the first one (Warning-may trigger emotions unknown and overwhelming but maybe not) :

"
School problems​

Neil wants me to move over all the time. Jordan always puts his elbow on my desk. I've got a problem with that. I wish the teacher would move my seat. My sister wants a tablet really bad. I have two. One is for songs and fashion. The other is for my wish list. I didn't start that one yet. And now that I have you, I could give it to her. But she'll probably want a pencil with it. Too bad that I have to wait until Friday to do that. And too bad that you can't chat with me. And too bad that the tablet is purple, 'cause she wanted pink! And knowing you can't talk, brings me to another problem: I have no friends. My mom said that I'll be a famous singer when I'm 16, so I will have friends, and I'm anxious. I've got to be patient. But I'm not a patient person. I want friends. I want to be famous. I wanna go to Hollywood. I wanna see new people. I wanna go to new places. I want a D.S. I want lip gloss. I want a shopping spree. I want long hair. I wanna be a punk. I want my own room. I'm angry at Donte. He is a tattletale. I don't care for that person. Lucky me (I was being sarcastic, people!) I only have invisible friends. Alot of them. Infinity. But nobody sees or hears them, which makes me look crazy, 'case you're wonderin'-they are not imaginary! I am done so, the end.
Just sad/mad​
I'm not feeling so happy right now. Jordan, Tommy, Thor, Bruce, Brandon W. and Karisa were laughing at me this morning because I was singing at the end of the day yersterday. I told the teacher and she talked to them. I am messenger, so I took an envelope down to the office (I'm in school now.) On the way back, a girl named Aveena asked me what was wrong (I looked sad). I started to tell her, but as she reached her class, a teacher came out. She was really tall. I told her what I was telling Aveena, (she asked) and so she wanted to walk me down to my classroom. I don't like when grown-ups do that. The end.
Siblings​
My sister sleep in my room. She snores a lot all the time. She annoys me. She talks too much. She is not good at guitar, even though she thinks so. I am not either, but not as bad as her. And I know that I'm not the bad guy 'cause I don't sniff people's butts. My brother is not as bad. Ready for good stories? ----->"


LOL it's over now. At the end, please note how I proceeded to not write anything. I laughed when I read it. Here's the second one (the title was 'Diary of negative miserable things that just don't work for you so keep out):

"Dear Secret Keeper,
Hey. I am very annoyed. Life 11 sucks. You just don't get respect like you should. You get treated like a preschooler by all adults. Well, most. The others bug the crap out of you. I swear, that idiot art teacher should take a chill pill, we all know that, and she won't so she should jump in a lake. Sincerly, Skye.

I know I am just a stupid fat idiot crybaby who is weird and annoying and in the way and you're probably joyful without me. I was at the park, going to watch a new show at 8:00, and I was having fun. Then on the way home Joplin kept on whining about Shannon and wanting to go home and then I exploded on my last nerve because I just couldn't take it anymore. Then every time I cry everyone hates me but THE WORLD DOES NOT REVOLVE AROUND THEM. I told mom 'sometimes I wish I was an only child' which she says I think that a lot in a pick-on me way. But no, when I said it it's all like 'Skye, that is something you keep to yourself and it's rude not just to them but to me too' in that voice she KNOWS makes us want to apologize a million times so I did. And then I say how sometimes I just get mad sometimes, then she gets all sassy with me like 'so does she'. Oh, and guess what? I can't wear heels (high heels really, even though almost every girl in my grade does) I am not allowed to see pg-13 movies even though my younger sister sometimes does. Josh must hate me because the first two dates we had were kiddie dates-the only two were month-spaced out. Damn it, I can't wait 'till I move out. Anyway, this is it:
1.PG rated animated movie.
2.Playdate
I haven't even hugged or kissed him yet. I'm like the world's hugest loser. And I'm not allowed to have coffee, either. Most people in my school do, except a few wimps. Doesn't she know she is hurting my life? I'm already a weirdo as it is.
She wonders why I'm so miserable as the time. Take a wild guess! The her/dad divorce, her and Mike, the school dress code, my siblings, my reputation and last and most of all I HATE BEING A CHILD! But whenever I get ready to say something, she guesses and starts saying how many things she 'won't go there' or 'won't work with' and so I am left saying nothing.
They (adults) don't tell you anything about their half of the world and we're stuck being naive weenies. The kids who know about it blab and either it makes you feel worse or an an adult hears and they say 'no-no' and you want to scream 'Put a freakin' sock in it!' or both.
It makes you want to shoot yourself, especially with all this put together and the money issue. Kids don't get a say in anything.
Nobody believes me that I can create a time machine if I had the proper materials. Wanna guess? A two year old could guess that. It's because I'm a child. A miserable darn child who should probably shut up. But I'm not. The next page will tell how I could make it.
There would be a large properly materialed box with two walls and a well contained time machine between the walls. On one side, time would hold still, so we could travel to the past. I didn't figure out the second half yet.

Why doe my ma hate me?! She can't decide her feelings about my friend Kelly, but she's MY friend, NOT hers! And she thinks that my boyfriend Josh should go a little faster in the relationship. But again, he's MY boyfriend, NOT hers! Well, I think she should let me grow up already, and quit trying to control my life! Kelly is probably annoyed with me now, and I think Josh should go at any pace he wants to. Oh, and the other night, my ma just dissed me saying that it's not really a date until we can drive. (To her:shut the hell up) Well, I guess it's forbidded love. (I just hope he really likes me because that would be so romantic. And then we could sneak out on dates and kiss and nobody'd ever know our secret.)
I just don't know though, because our 'childness' seeming of our age with laws and our parents get in the way of phone calls, dates, and possibly chances. But I won't let her ruin my life. I hope neither of my parents or anyone I know that would eavesdrop on us and tell. I don't want my parents will chaperone the dance on Friday."


And that's it. Let me know your thoughts on it. I personally thought it was disorientating, but I am glad I found them.
 

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Why doe my ma hate me?! She can't decide her feelings about my friend Kelly, but she's MY friend, NOT hers! And she thinks that my boyfriend Josh should go a little faster in the relationship. But again, he's MY boyfriend, NOT hers! Well, I think she should let me grow up already, and quit trying to control my life! Kelly is probably annoyed with me now, and I think Josh should go at any pace he wants to. Oh, and the other night, my ma just dissed me saying that it's not really a date until we can drive. (To her:shut the hell up) Well, I guess it's forbidded love. (I just hope he really likes me because that would be so romantic. And then we could sneak out on dates and kiss and nobody'd ever know our secret.)
I just don't know though, because our 'childness' seeming of our age with laws and our parents get in the way of phone calls, dates, and possibly chances. But I won't let her ruin my life. I hope neither of my parents or anyone I know that would eavesdrop on us and tell. I don't want my parents will chaperone the dance on Friday."


And that's it. Let me know your thoughts on it. I personally thought it was disorientating, but I am glad I found them.
It is a date of you want it to be, not when you can drive, or cook, or earn money, or read, write, speak or do 'anything' in the world for that matter.

I am 11 years older than you and I do not have a driving license. But neither do I have dates. You are doing fine.

I would write about all the people I know, just like how you do. Thanks for sharing. : )
 

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I loved reading these :) thanks do much for sharing :)

It seems like there are a lot of instances where you were invalidated, such as when others laughed at your singing or your mom said you shouldn't say you wished to be an only child because it's rude. It might be rude, but it was your FEELING and it us never wrong to feel what we feel. It alerts us that something is going on within us that needs to be addressed and explored, and that's ok because it's how we grow emotionally. Just tramping things down and feeling ashamed for you feelings does not help.

You wrote so much but that stood out because my mother invalidated me frequently, and it's something I've only recently "noticed". I hope you're not offended I say that.

If i was your age, I would want to be your friend :) your diary sounds a bit like mine when I was those ages. It's great you keep them, for expression of what's real. Stream of conscious (squirrel on crack): it's the only way to write a diary lol :) that's how you get at what's deeper :D
 

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It was only reading this that I remembered how much I hated being a child 5 years ago. I saw a lot of myself in that, but you were a far more interesting individual than I was at that age!
 

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This reminded me of the times I wrote in diaries when I was a child. Since I was born I had the urge to write and vent. I had to throw all those notebooks away because my ISFP sister read them when I wasn't around.
 

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Thanks for posting that! It was really cute!!
It reminds me of all the tons and tons of unfinished stories to write. I remember one of my first stories actually filled a whole 80 page journal once. Unfortunately it was rubbish and had too many characters haha.
I didn't realize that my years as an elementary school kid were pretty crap until I started livin' it up in high school...now however I'm soon going to university and the pressure is on for me to do well in finals (eep!).
 

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They're only about 5 pages each because I really just do not stick to plans.
That's like the story of my life. I was never good at having diaries either.


Lucky me (I was being sarcastic, people!) I only have invisible friends. Alot of them. Infinity. But nobody sees or hears them, which makes me look crazy, 'case you're wonderin'-they are not imaginary! I am done so, the end.
This naturally provokes my curiosity.


Anyway, this is it:
1.PG rated animated movie.
2.Playdate
Hey, what do you have against PG rated animated movies? ;)

They (adults) don't tell you anything about their half of the world and we're stuck being naive weenies. The kids who know about it blab and either it makes you feel worse or an an adult hears and they say 'no-no' and you want to scream 'Put a freakin' sock in it!' or both.
It makes you want to shoot yourself, especially with all this put together and the money issue. Kids don't get a say in anything.
Nobody believes me that I can create a time machine if I had the proper materials. Wanna guess? A two year old could guess that. It's because I'm a child. A miserable darn child who should probably shut up. But I'm not. The next page will tell how I could make it.
There would be a large properly materialed box with two walls and a well contained time machine between the walls. On one side, time would hold still, so we could travel to the past. I didn't figure out the second half yet.
I understand the adult issue perfectly. Even at 17 they can still be annoying, mainly the ones that talk down on you.

And I would love to see your completed time machine one day. You want help with the second half? :wink:
 
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@ Vin the Dreamer I gave up on the time machine because I don't exactly trust myself or anyone for that matter, with the time space continuum. "Why are we all in oxygen boxes?" "Oh, because this idiot screwed up the point where earth existed and it won't come back for five years then we blow up and die" See that would be the problem, lol. XD
 
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@Skye Alexa - Oh yes, there's that problem too; humanity nowadays just can't be trusted to deal with time-travelling. Hopefully somewhere down the line people will gain enough responsibility so we can finally start making time machines. I'd love to see the day that happens. ;)

Cool name, by the way!
 
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First of all, I'm laughing at how very stream-of-consciousness it all is. That's definitely like me. Also, your writing evolved considerably in such a relatively short space of time. It never ceases to amuse me how later in life, the difference a year or two makes is far less significant both in terms of physiological development and also from a subjective point of view. Two years ago doesn't even feel that long to me now. But I know when I was that age there were innumerable lives lived out in those two years. Makes me think I should stick a rocket up my ass or something. But anyway.

I'm grateful in a sense that you were feeling self-revealing enough to post something like that. Even if we are different people, it is interesting to me to get such an insight into a child's mind. Also, you're quite articulate. I like that. Even if it is a little strange to read about relationship issues coming from an 11 year old. I remember thinking my friends were idiots for trying to have romantic relationships at that age because I intrinsically knew that whatever attraction I was supposed to feel I didn't, presumably because I was too young. Then when it hit me with full force in my early teens, well... you know, the whole shy, awkward introvert thing, and the whole 'everyone I like is taken' thing, and yeah. I'm 23 and I haven't had a relationship yet. If anyone's a loser here it's me, but it doesn't bother me all that much.

As far as hating being a child is concerned, please, please try not to fall into that trap. I was exactly the same myself. "Nobody listens to what I have to say", I would think to myself. "Just because I'm younger and my voice is higher pitched doesn't mean my opinions don't count." I was lucky really because I had parents who treated me as the individual I was, but outside of them, forget it.

But herein lies the rub: while you may now be overlooked because you are a child (albeit older than you were), there will often be other reasons that replace this. Maybe the person you're speaking to just plain doesn't understand. Maybe they simply have different views in life that aren't compatible with yours. It's true that things have gotten a little easier with time, in certain ways. But I had all these grandiose designs of being able to touch peoples' lives with my wisdom and observations. Unfortunately, reality is often far more nuanced than this. Also, everyone is more than likely trying their best in their own way. Nobody is perfect or omnipotent, regardless of age, and everyone makes mistakes. Trying to see things from others' points of view helps me to feel less personally offended at things I perceive as wrong, even if it is still frustrating.

As far as you saying your perspective has not changed, merely evolved - I have experienced the same thing as well and take comfort in the fact. It helps me be less fearful of the future when I know that regardless of what may be in store and however I may find myself to have developed, my core will stay the same.

What I will say is don't wish the time away. Everything will come eventually. In any case, I hope you'll forgive my lengthy rambles. Brevity never was my strong point. You may already know much of what I have said but I just enjoyed the read :proud:
 

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I should follow up that, I broke up with Josh a week after I wrote in the journal, haven't dated since, don't really want to for now. Also, my mother is an ENTJ. Putting that out there. I don't hate being a child anymore, people believe me in what I say now, but I tend to be labeled like a goddamn soupcan. Everyone is slapping labels on me and not bothering in the least to try actually finding to what soup it is! But whenever I say something I mean, people try to change me. As if their opinion was always right, unquestionably. I don't believe that. So, in order to not be trampled over, I say things I don't truly mean, or say nothing. This is held against me like a wanted sign to a pole. Not that I flat out lie, but nobody knows what the hell I'm trying to say and they make up their own interpretation of it and decide it's not good enough for them. Everything I say can be used against me. I don't hate being young, I hate existing. Not because of finding fault with myself, because of everyone else finding fault with me when they clearly don't know shit. I am kinda still alive just to piss people off. I usually see everything as nothingness, pointless and just listen to music. When the thought (realization, rather) arises that music is pointless, too, I truly start to feel dead. So I do random shit and daydream and act it out if nobody's around without realizing it until 10 minutes later, just blocking everything out and not caring. It doesn't last long, but hey, it passes time.
I also no longer dream of being popular, because last year, my family moved to a new state, and I got the chance to basically start over. It was in December, so I made it my New Year's resolution to be a more positive person. Lol, that was an epic failure.
The first day, I had no clue where to go, so I went to the office and they told me to wait in this one classroom until homeroom. A lady outside said classroom asked why I was late. I broke down crying, trying to speak clearly enough to say I was new here. She apologized, looking slightly puzzled, and let me in.
When I got to homeroom, a girl was told to show me where all my classes were. The girl clearly didn't like me, but I tried to be nice, still. Anyway, everyone was nice, so I considered the possibility of being popular.
Later that day, two seemingly nice popular girls asked me to text them later, and they were nice, I just could not wrap my head around the fact that anyone could actually appreciate my presence. I was paranoid, too-I hardly said anything, changed myself a bit in order to make sure they wouldn't turn around against me. I absolutely would not drop the doubt that they were faking liking me, so when they asked why I didn't call them the next day, I lied, saying I tried to, but they didn't pick up. I was truthfully too scared to.
Anyway, I just was always on edge, fake as plastic, or so I felt, juggling to keep up with drama I didn't give eight kumquat about, and at one point decided not to answer my phone. Or Facebook. Or keep contact with anyone from my old school. I kept making up excuses, and only talking to people in school. This distancing led one of those original two friends to befriend one person who hated me, had friends who hated me, and intimidated me. That person told my friend to leave me and her and my other original friend. I really just wanted to leave. Just go far away and not come back. The other friend changed so she could stay. I didn't. I started hanging out with the more average, slightly emo crowd, which was better, but not quite. I started on this whole avoidant-like pattern of just being clingy to a few people and just cutting off from everyone else which I felt guilty about but just couldn't stand being committed to so many people, it was overwhelming, draining, and a complete waste of effort.
In the second half of that year, I had this inflated ego, but only externally, internally I doubted everything. This lasted until summer. I managed to keep about 10 friends. I spent the summer trying to rework my image, picking at my doubts, denying myself, became a walking lie, but more emo, had a twisted ironic flare to it. The first half of this year, I lost about five friends, not really lost, but I'm avoiding everyone like the plague. I started acting more like myself. Everyone said it was so unlike me, that they wanted the old me back. I felt horrible, but could not stop. I get looked at like I'm crazy or an idiot. I'm hurt, but I don't show it. I only really make a point to talk to two people now, but there are 3 annoying other people who keep talking to me, even when I stop talking to them. I try reading a book. They yell at me for it. I move across the room. They FOLLOW me. Annoying as hell. One of 'em is violent though, the others don't mean to be annoying they just seriously are. I would love to move again, except this time without people. I just would not start anything this time. No problems created.
I can only stay with these two friends for so long before they know too much. I can't do this easily though, because I helped bring one out of depression from her grandmother's death, and the other, is the only one I am outgoing around, and I feel obligated to stay because I am the only one she originally talked to, since she was new here at the beginning of the year, but not from the same place I was. Thankfully, she has other friends now, and if I do this right, I can bury myself in books for long enough until they are oblivious to me. That will work for two of the annoying people too.
I can probably survive high school if I'm not with anyone. Just completing whatever has to be done, being pointless, but triumphant in that pointlessness. Oh that was fucked up. What a brilliant pattern I've created. And watch, somehow someone I know will find my posts here probably. I don't intend keeping contact with family after college. Except my aunt, because she actually has a clue what a personal bubble is. Have no idea what I'll do with my life. Don't really care.
Sorry bout the hopelessness novel. Had to be said though. I might be smarter than two years ago, but not quite better. There is not a cure to my problem and if there is, then anyone claiming to have it is a quack. 'Nuff said.
 
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I daydream about dissolving into thin air. People forgetting me. Better than screwing up what seems to be working for people. I would die, but I am deeply afraid I'll still be conscious even though I'm an atheist. I know that's not a rational fear but I am seriously avoiding death because I am afraid I am immortal. Someone needs to figure that one out for me in the most convincing way ever, because it's really contradicting.
 

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Can't forget this:
 

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I should follow up that, I broke up with Josh a week after I wrote in the journal, haven't dated since, don't really want to for now. Also, my mother is an ENTJ. Putting that out there. I don't hate being a child anymore, people believe me in what I say now, but I tend to be labeled like a goddamn soupcan. Everyone is slapping labels on me and not bothering in the least to try actually finding to what soup it is!
Let them taste once but don't give them all ;). In normal words, you will get more attention for you if you may say something appealing and you leave people to wonder and think about what you just said.
 
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Josh must hate me because the first two dates we had were kiddie dates-the only two were month-spaced out. Damn it, I can't wait 'till I move out. Anyway, this is it:
1.PG rated animated movie.
2.Playdate
I haven't even hugged or kissed him yet. I'm like the world's hugest loser.
Hahaha awww, that sounds exactly like what I was thinking at about age 12. I was "going out" with this nice boy and we always went to an old movie theater to watch films from the '40s (kinda classy for 12, I rather think!) and the whole time I wasn't paying attention to the movie, just moving my hand centimeter by centimeter closer to his and then chickening out. I never kissed him or held his hand but I do remember the first time we hugged... big moment...

I had (still have) a journal as well... this part seems relevant. This was the 6th grade. Oh memories.

For context, I was trying to come up with a sneaky way of hugging "B" (not using real names since these people are still friends of mine). Remember when one needed a plot to hug someone? There are definite perks to growing up.

Grammar... I was twelve and it was a stream of consciousness...

well A told B that I have been hug-plotting all this time - this is where I run away at top speed - (its true but I did NOT want him to know) and guess what B said. Oh crap.
How much does that suck? I mean, A said he was laughing, which totally makes sense to me (now when im trying to imagine the real B i should imagine him laughing and saying, "oh crap") but how much of an embarrassingly unceremonial dismissal to my little plot? I mean, he could have at least shown SOME appreciation for his #1 fan!! sheesh. As I said to A before, I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Huh! YIIIIIIIKES!!!

Ok, so, B n A were discussing me - no - yes - wellllll you know how A told B about my hug plotting and B though he said oh crap (see yesterday's journal) was a really good sport and didnt mention it at all (he is so nice yay :3)? well today we ate lunch me C B A and B starts spluttering "um, is there any movie you want to see, um..." and I give him and A shifty eyes and B and i start cracking up embarrassedly while A sits looking mad. But I shoulda congratulated poor B on trying at least, which is better than I woulda managed. If id managed to get up the courage just to try id just crack up and have to say, "nevermind."
Ok, well, youre probably thinking, "ok, this isn't scary," but what I assumed was that he was going to see if there was any time for me, A, and possibly D to get together (they discussed place and time for hugs, A and him yesterday) for reasons that should by now be obvious (starts with H and ends with G). And that is extremely likely. BUT the scary part is (OMG!!!!) what if he was really asking me out?! Like, just US?! AAAAAAAAAAAAAH! WHOA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SCARY!!!!! i mean, i doubt it, but.... i really have to think about that. (!) EEEEK ok im going to sleep.
 

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Honestly, that was heartbreaking to read. Everyone, it seems, must overcome their own struggles to find relative peace of mind and feel secure in themselves. I know I'm a long way from finished, as it's a lifelong journey, but I know I have made progress. I hope you don't mind if I address a few of your points.

I don't hate being a child anymore, people believe me in what I say now, but I tend to be labeled like a goddamn soupcan. Everyone is slapping labels on me and not bothering in the least to try actually finding to what soup it is! But whenever I say something I mean, people try to change me. As if their opinion was always right, unquestionably. I don't believe that. So, in order to not be trampled over, I say things I don't truly mean, or say nothing.
You'll find this happening throughout life. People are so caught up in their preconceptions of the world and the things going on in their own heads that they are rarely able to stand still and take stock of things for what they truly are. At the very least, you can take some small amount of solace in the knowledge that it's not personal. Often it's not about you, but about them. Still, that does little to stop the exasperation, I know. It's why I pick my company carefully; arguably too much so. However, while I do try not to change other peoples' beliefs, I will not abandon my own and I will not be dishonest. I stand my ground firmly; if I respect them enough to accept their position even if I do not agree with it, then I feel I am entitled to the same courtesy.

I don't hate being young, I hate existing. Not because of finding fault with myself, because of everyone else finding fault with me when they clearly don't know shit. I am kinda still alive just to piss people off. I usually see everything as nothingness, pointless and just listen to music. When the thought (realization, rather) arises that music is pointless, too, I truly start to feel dead. So I do random shit and daydream and act it out if nobody's around without realizing it until 10 minutes later, just blocking everything out and not caring. It doesn't last long, but hey, it passes time.
If you don't hate yourself, then that's a start. Other people picking faults where there are none to be found is their prerogative. It's funny, that is probably why I can occasionally be seen as arrogant even though in person I tend to be fairly quiet, and I don't think of myself as big-headed. I am committed to improving myself and have no problem admitting my faults, but I refuse to feel badly about things that are not my problem. Sometimes it's hard to discern between the two. A lot of my time in high school was spent feeling bitter towards other kids for what I saw as their lack of maturity, their lack of intellect and their unwarranted persecution of my character, among other things. Now I am far more secure in my identity and furthermore I am able to understand other peoples' points of view in far greater detail, I have a much easier time of it. I still can't say that I have many close friends, though... but at least the day-to-day stuff is easier.

Now onto the next thing. See, the whole thing about pointlessness is this. Why does the universe exist? Why does life exist? What meaning does it have? It's all a matter of perspective. If you're purely objective about it, then of course, there is no point. All of existence as we know it was essentially a game of chance. Living things only exist because of chance. They seek to keep themselves alive and to propagate their genetics. There is no ultimate 'meaning'.

However, I don't subscribe to the notion that just because there is no definite objective meaning does not mean I should not follow my own inner sense of meaning. I have felt like you describe, at times, and that is when my inner well of spirit dries up. Either I'm pushing myself too hard, or I'm trying to work through some personal issue, or I just plain need to get out and do something different, but as certainly as it arrives, it also leaves me. I have not always had to contend with that malaise, after all. Try shifting your focus off of external absolutes and onto yourself. Sure, depending on your perspective everything is pointless. But presuming you can do anything, what do you want to do? What means the most to you? What makes your heart come alive and gives you goosebumps and makes your hairs stand on end and makes you grateful to draw breath? Try to find it.

I also no longer dream of being popular
I must admit, my bias may be showing through here, and I know we are different people, but I am glad you don't. The thing about popularity is that in my opinion it is always an effort to maintain. Some people perhaps find that the payoff is worth it in the end; but I don't. While I have never really pursued popularity as such, I did become fairly well known in a certain community, and it was nothing like I expected. You find that people know you without actually knowing you. They form opinions of you based on the image of the person they perceive, without actually getting to know you as a person. Furthermore because they think they know you, and they might not like the 'you' they think they know, trying to reason with them is senseless and gets you nowhere. Alternatively, they really admire you and look up to you when really they are just putting you on a pedestal for whatever skills or traits you have or whatever you represent to them. It's silly. I don't care about popularity. I just want the people I care about to know me for who I am.

Anyway, I just was always on edge, fake as plastic, or so I felt, juggling to keep up with drama I didn't give eight kumquat about, and at one point decided not to answer my phone. Or Facebook. Or keep contact with anyone from my old school.
The whole fakeness thing is something that I don't believe you'll be able to avoid entirely. I often feel like that when I'm at work, or when I'm socialising with people in public. It feels unnatural, because at my core I am not a charismatic person. I let my persona do the work for me, and I am not saying he is much better either, but I can't seem to avoid this. However the goal is to minimise that as much as possible. To feel like you're in control rather than being defined by your environment. As regards the whole avoidant thing and sticking to a few people, that's the story of my life. I'm still struggling with similar issues, so I can't say anything there...

Ultimately I get the sense that you're focusing too consciously on the image you project to other people. While I can't necessarily say which is better because at that time I was completely uninterested and unaware so probably did myself a disservice. I would like to think though that you are able to become secure and confident enough in yourself to believe that you are an interesting enough person to want to get to know without having to appear like someone else. The problem with forcing anything is that if it isn't genuine then you will eventually burn out and feel the need to withdraw. It's really a form of self-sabotage. It might not come overnight or even in a year or two, but I'm confident that you will manage.

In the long term, we both still have much living to do and there will be plenty of time for you to find some of the answers you seek. It is impossible to know with certainty what the future holds - 'the only certain thing is uncertainty' - so I figure one might as well try to do the best they can.

I don't mean to be coming across as preachy or hypocritical. You're more than welcome to tell me to shut up if I'm being too inquisitive or intrusive. I just don't like seeing people in a bad way, particularly if I don't think they deserve it. We're all in the ride together, after all. I hope things get better for you.
 
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